There are so many things I wish I could tell you about what happened recently, and why the golden thought tree has gone away..
It's actually kind of ironic and although it's sad and not okay, it's still something I think you would kind of snicker about if you knew. It's something I called out for a while, but trusted would not actually cause the level of consequences it has for him.
I watch the boys and how they seem to be shifting in our new reality without golden tree thoughts in our lives so consistently.
Another part of the irony is that I don't think it was so much about any profound thoughts coming from the golden tree that really made that big of a difference for any of us, especially with such shallow roots and without motivation to dig deeper beneath the surface. But I think over time, the biggest value that the golden tree provided to all of us was someone who was on all of our sides.
Having someone who didn't feel nice any one particular character in our story. Although funny enough sometimes I wonder if that's because he wasn't very good at taking notes..
And as he would often say himself, the older he got the harder it was to pay attention to so many details for so many people. And despite that I know we were one of the family groups that he had been tending for the longest, he still sometimes muddled up the details.
Which of course was not helped by your determination too craft alternative narratives to how things really have been. Which I know you know you have done, but likely have many years before you're willing to admit it.
I think that's kind of a part of what makes me sad about having been tended by the golden tree. It was good that he like you so much and part of why I kept us seeing him was because I knew it would help you feel like you didn't have someone against you.
But unfortunately much you told me back when we did solo tending and couples tending, he didn't really dig deep or push past your initial defenses and false narratives to really be able to help you.
Unfortunately he really didn't do that with me much either. I think part of why I got a little more out of it was because it I was more self-leading in it. But even when I wanted to dig deeper into a certain realms of shadows that I know still affect me now, he wasn't quite willing to go there. I think a part of him didn't see the value in it and the rest of him was mostly stuck in believing just talking on a regular basis was enough.
And it would be nice if it were.
Unfortunately I've known for a while that it wasn't and that possibly continuing with him might even be somewhat detrimental, especially when he started give you what you want in directing the boys too keep quiet about things going on. And to say that it's okay to be dishonest.
Funny enough we had some talks about that on different levels. Usually it came up when talking about politics. There was a point when it came down to me saying that politicians are supposed to be the example not the exception, when it comes to honorable and honest behavior. Because they are the ones who are supposed to be leading the rest of us, and if they get to be the exceptions to the rule then why would anyone else try to do good?
Or maybe a better way to put it is that if the example is dishonorable, then it's going to be people doing good that become the exception to the norm. And that's not the kind of world we should want.
But he was of the belief that it was perfectly acceptable for politicians to be bad unless they were politicians he didn't like. It very much reminded me of my dad and a lot of men of their generations.
And in many ways of your generation too.
And I had thought for a while about finding someone else that might be better for us, but I also recognized the bigger problem was that it took a very long time to get you to be willing to see anybody and even longer for you to open up even a little bit.
And although he was very good at keeping most things cconfidential, there were a few times that he was so excited by your decision to open up much more than you ever had before, and let him see some of the depths of you, that he couldn't help but tell me. Not what you said or what it was about. Just that breakthroughs had occurred and that he was finally able to start seeing why my love for you has been deep and true.
He actually admitted to me some months ago that for a very long time, he assumed that my feelings for you were just an attachment I had become used to. The over time my feelings would fade, and I would form new attachments to other lovers.
But they never did.
They still haven't.
He and I didn't talk about it so much over the past few years because it was more important to focus on personal growth and parenting. But he would check in from time to time and my answers still remained the same.
And I could kind of tell that he didn't have personal experiences in his own life to understand how I felt. So I just went on and kind of a space of knowing that time would tell the truth, and that I would remain honest with myself about my feelings. That I didn't need an external to validate how I felt.
So it was quite refreshing when he suddenly spent two sessions telling me about how he could see that you were not the shallow unintellectual being that he thought you were up until that time.
I remember in the past he said we were unequally yolked. And I think more than anything he meant intellectually, and in reference to depth of thinking and feeling.
I also think that much like you thought for a long time, that I was perceived to be someone who grew up with eeverything and could not understand the kinds of terrors you have been through in your life. Which I know definitely changed after I took that road trip, and started being the most honest with everyone that I've ever been.
But it was still quite amazing to have it feel like it came almost out of nowhere that he suddenly was telling me that he could understand why I love you, and somehow finally understood that it was not just an attachment I got used to. That it was and is genuine love. And that there are plenty of lovable things about you.
Unfortunately the value of his tending was not quite the depth of what I think we still need. I think it was what we needed for a while, especially because he was so non-judgmental about a lot of our alternative lifestyle stuff. But we need more. So I'm looking at different forms of attending that might get us into the next step..
Until then I can see and feel that you are sad too..
It's okay to miss him.
And on a certain level to feel abandoned.
While I can't share everything, I can say that part of the reason he's gone is for fear of facing the consequences of his decisions in a way that he could have kept helping ppl.
And while that does mean consequences like the ones he's facing now, which I know hurt him deeply eemotionally, I still think in a way it does mean that he abandoned us and a lot of other people.
Not intentionally necessarily.
But the impact is the same..
