Dear Cabbit...yes..

Feels like I can feel you wondering if I meant what I said..

That I'd still be there for you when your mom or dad go back into nonphysical...no matter what happened between us.

The answer is: Yes.

Of course.

Silly Cabbit.

Dear Cabbit... Accountability...

Was just brought several bits of unexpected information after talking with the boys and deciding together to make the best choice to protect all of us from any further disrespect and codependence from anyone, including you...

And I'm both feeling very sad for you, and also very excited.

You and several other Cancer guys in the collective are going through big energies of Accountability Karma.

From what I understand, it sounds like just about the same time I sent you messages about running out of time and not being accountable, you were getting hit with that same energy from stuff to do with your mom that you didn't handle on time, and several other things.

It gave me a vision

Of you seeing my messages and thinking about how similar it is to when I used to message you when I knew you were going through hard energy.

Though then I was being extra sweet and trying to help you through it.

I am actually still helping you through it even now.

I know it likely doesn't feel like that yet.

Though I have faith it will.

That you're seeing it even now, and more and more as the minutes tick by.

Spirit tells me the accountability energy and me allowing things to play out as you've Manifested them to be, rather then working so hard to "not be like your ex's", is about Spirit helping you see yourself and the life you've allowed to manifest by not choosing yourself in healthy ways, procrastinating, having shitty priorities, and by telling yourself your a victim/hero; putting yourself on a pedestal.

And the distance between us (the boys included), however long you can stand that, is about helping you learn to find faith in yourself and faith in us.

To know that you can start over at any time because we are capable of that.

ALL of us.

You're the only one whose been holding onto the past and refusing to allow any new beginning or cooperative energy. 

Cuz you haven't had faith in yourself.

Which then manifested situations where no matter how much I or anyone else shows we have faith in you and loves you, you couldn't and wouldn't hear it.

Until we had to acknowledge that for the time being, all we can do is back away and have faith that you will find your way.

Which is an interesting lesson to learn along with the boys.

It's scary at times and there's lots of unknowns.

Though we've decided to do it together, and even if you don't ever come back in, I'm grateful to you for providing the contrast that helped us become that close and genuine with each other.

Dear Cabbit... boundaries..

This is an interesting time.

Spirit tells me no more accepting bratty behaviors from you.

And what's funny, as I do that and allow myself to listen to my intuition and instincts, I'm seeing that the boundaries and energies manifesting are all the excuses and things you accused me of doing.

Like with the Cabbie and Bunnie doodles.

Should be interesting. 

Dear Cabbit...Balance...

Wow..

Between the visions, the data, the readers, and the energy I just spoke to on a vid about the first super full moon of the year; and we both know you are extra effected by what the moon is doing...

You were even called to it on your trip, when it was about full..

I have a strong gnowing that if you're not already single and embracing healthy choices, you will be very soon.

And with those commitments to yourself, will come corrections of our dynamics and the dynamics with the kids.

I look forward to that.

Dear Cabbit...feels like I need to protect myself better..

Idk if this is a reflection on how you're feeling or just my own tiredness with getting hurt.

Either way, as much as so much of me wants to know everything about your trip and how things in your life have been going, I am very very tired with feeling hurt by what you tell me.

Esp when it includes you confirming you're staying stuck in a situation where you're miserable.

When I know you only even got into that situation because of your ego. 

Not because you really wanted any of what or who you got.

I'm also upset by the dynamics.

That you seem to feel you can be cruel and fucked up to me and the kids, and should never be called on it, and never be served the same fucked up dishes you serve.

Then there's the cowardice.

Including distancing and delaying communication and healthy growth, most esp for our family.

All of which seems so contrary to what you say you want.

You want me out of the picture?

Then create a healthy safe environment where our kids can be with you and not regularly shed tears or be emotionally fucked with.

Get real about whether or not the rQoS is going to really be your partner or not, cuz if she is then she needs to recognize she's a parental figure in our kids lives and she needs to grow the fuck up and act like it, and she's not going to do that, then she needs to back the fuck up and let you have solo time with them for more then an hour every other weekend.

And if she's not going to be a healthy parental and addition to their lives, then she also needs to shut her mouth and not have any opinions about what you do or don't do with our kids.

Likewise, if you're not going to take initiative to learn about healthy parenting and family planning, then you need to STFU about what I decide is best for the kids.

You've had a thousand opportunities to speak up and talk about what you'd like me to do differently with the kids since you've left, and every time you've found yourself with nothing.

And I can tell it's because 1. You just wanted to argue and weren't expecting me to actually be open to feedback, and 2. You have nothing.

At least, nothing you can speak to that isn't dwarfed in comparison to all the bs you do.

Hell, I'd love it if we could both help each other work to become better parents.

Though much like how our dynamics were before you ran away to join the circus, I'm the only one who ACTUALLY cares about how the boys grow up.

About how they feel about what we do.

About how what we do and say with them now, will effect them growing up.

Idk.

I just feel upset.

I'm tired of feeling punished for getting healthier; as a parent, as a person, as a partner, and as a friend.

And tbh, I'm pissed that you'd ever criticize me being a good friend or not, based on a few emotional moments, when you have been the shittiest friend ever, after you PROMISED me we'd always be good friends no matter what.

It brings me into memories of when we were splitting up, and I told you that you had to earn my friendship, cuz that was part of what I so hurt by.

That you weren't being a good friend to anyone, and least of all to me.

Even more then that, I hate knowing that you likely even apologized to those friends who you contributed to hurting their relationships, because they don't have good morals or integrity, so they never wanted nor expected an apology.

Which makes it easy to just say "I sorry I not good friend to you in those moments", and not even really need to be clear about what you're talking about.

Whereas with me, you've said sorry so many times and not meant it and not done anything to grow enough to not repeat those hurtful behaviors, and I have self respect and decent morality.

Which doesn't make it hard to apologise to me; unless you're placating or trying to bullshit me.

Which seems so ingrained in you that it disrupts your ability to have any genuine humility.

Fuck.

I hate this.

I don't want to be mad.

Not at you or anyone.

Though I've spent all year trying to figure out ways to back away and leave you to your circus to learn your lessons, while not being mad or leaving you to feel abandoned or like you screwed up too much with me.

I've yet to have succeeded with any of those methods.

Being kind, respectful, empathetic, understanding, patient, and "warm" in my friendship, has only succeeded in having you treat me even more like shit then ever.

And what REALLY sucks about that, is that I know I haven't done anything really wrong.

It's all about your ego and the rQoS insecurities.

Cuz she knows that out of every way she can try to imitate me, she can't be genuinely kind for it's own sake, emotionally secure, or authentic, and she's so wrapped up in controlling everything and maintaining as much power as possible, that she refuses to even imagine being capable of being truly independent.

Which I know is why she feels so threatened by me and the boys.

Cuz I can do all those things, and I don't do them for you.

I do them for me.

That's why my growth is consistent.

That's why I can hold healthy boundaries.

That's how I've been able to be so patient.

That's why she doesn't scare me a bit.

And why I scare her so much.

I have power.

Not because I demand it.

Not because I take it from anyone.

Not because I stole it or manipulated it from anyone.

I have power because I am genuinely kind.

Because I don't play the victim or the hero.

Because I'm genuine and thoughtful.

Because I actually care about others well being; even those I'm not fond of.

All power I know you would have too, if you'd get over yourself and over your fears, face yourself, and stop giving your power to the ppl in your life who seriously seem to enjoy keeping you more stuck then them.

If you'd learn humility.

If you'd set your ego down for a few minutes every day.

If you'd take your balls back and stand up for yourself to the ppl who actually are hurting you and working to hold you back.

If you'd learn your damn karmic lessons...

Though idk..

There's a part of me that feels like you're not gonna learn those lessons for some time now.

Most esp if I get back into a good place with you.

I mean, just look at what we just went through.

It took months of patiently holding boundaries with you while you were being a complete asshole, followed by having to be willing to completely blow everything up, just to get you to follow through on giving the phone back and it took our youngest blocking you and holding that boundary no matter how "nice" you acted, to get one half asses apology to him.

Life does NOT need to be that hard or complicated, and I should not EVER have to be that much of a bitch to be treated respectfully by you.

I shouldn't even have to wait MONTHS for you to do the right thing, or guilt trip you into helping me when I BARELY ask for anything from you, and I most certainly shouldn't be treated like shit simple because it makes the rQoS insecure or pissed off and because your cowardly ass doesn't want to trigger the drama you invited into the most important parts of your life.

That's not acceptable.

And I won't be treated those ways anymore.

Which I know is good just for my own self respect, though I can feel that being genuinely mad at you, distant, and not taking any of your bs, is pulling you in.

You always do that.

You always wait until I'm done done.

Then you change.

Then you grow.

Then you do stuff that if you'd just fucking done it sooner, none of the current drama would exist.

And so much of me wants to feel like that's a good thing.

I want to be happy for any growth and improving dynamics.

Though it feels like if I get myself into a good vibe with you, that you'll quit again.

Which means keeping myself mad.

It means doing exactly what you said you wanted, that I know you don't.

Like keeping a firm boundary about not talking about anything personal.

So I don't have to hear your hypocrisy about having put yourself in a shitty position that makes it complicated for you to do the right things for yourself or anyone else.

So I don't have to think about you being happy without me 

So I don't have to hear about you getting hurt over and over and over again.

So I don't have to hold my tongue about how easy it is to change your circumstances.

And so my own ego and pain body doesn't rip itself from be in a fury of curse words and coward calling.

Cuz that exactly what it feels this all comes down to.

You could live.

You could love.

You could be a great dad.

You could be a great friend.

You could've been and still could be a great partner & family member...

If you weren't such a fucking coward.

Which I hate calling you.

I hate writing it.

I hate having to acknowledge the truth in it.

And I hate that despite how much of a turn off that is, I still love you.

Though I'm tired of being hurt by your cowardice.

I'm tired of sitting here knowing how easy it really is to redeem yourself and live a honest life.

How easy it is to have healthy fun dynamics with me.

And knowing that regardless of how much you have admitted yourself, that you have fucked up and hurt me - that you would rather choose to hide from me.

Like you do with our oldest son.

Rather then face the reality that you've given us no other choice then to protect ourselves, because you won't face your shadows enough to be able to let you accept genuinely loving behaviors.

Idk...

I'm praying to Spirit for help..

Cuz it feels like I should be allowed to be upset with you, and you should be HAPPY to go above and beyond to redeem yourself no matter how long it feels right for me to be upset with you.

Though it feels like that might not ever happen.

Cuz you let fear control virtually everything you do.

Meaning that even if it's completely justified, healthy, and appropriate - if I don't yield and extend myself, that you'll stay stuck between victimhood and feeling like you screwed up to bad to be worth facing rejections that are very understandable, and being upset that I expect you to be a mother fucking adult now.

Cuz that means you don't get babied.

That you don't get anything you're not entitled to.

Idk.

I want out of the old cycles.

Where I give and give and give.

And am infinitely patient and understanding.

Where I'm doing all the work to reach out.

Where I'm the only one looking for resolutions.

Where I'm the constantly expect to change and give in and never expect or require anything.

Where not having good boundaries with you is met by bs cries of me being inconsistent, and having healthy boundaries with you is met by whining about how I don't "accept your flaws".

I can't go back to that.

And your "sorry for the delayed communication" bs, that is only even able to happen because you created an even more fucked up communication dynamic between us then we had before - that you've yet to acknowledge...

That just feels like you doubling down on the cowardice all around.

Then when you come over and show that you know you fucked this up, yet you refuse to say that, and then want to tell me all about the fun and shenanigans going on in your life.

About the money you spend on yourself and your replacement family, when you have refused to pay child support or even just be fucking helpful with YOUR OWN CHILDREN.

That so fucked up.

It hurts.

It's bs.

And I know you.

When you get your karma through the courts for being that way, you're just going to whine about it and act like it's unfair.

And I'll have to work through not feeling like an asshole for telling the truth and letting you get faced with your own consequences.

Fuck.

That song "landslide" is on the radio.

That reminds me of that first dinner with the rQoS...

When I sang it at the table..

And noticed you watching me with loving eyes..

It's 7:11 now too...

I hate this.

All of it.

😔

Dear Cabbit...idk if I'm strong enough...

I don't even know what exactly is happening this weekend..

All I know is that I feel like running..

Fast and far...

Both in my mind and in a literal sense...

And it tears me up..

Brings up an my tears..

Cuz I promised myself I could do it..

Be strong enough to hold on..

To be that kind unconditional one who could just...wait..

Idk how I'll feel later...or tomorrow..

Right now...I just feel like I don't want to feel anymore..

Cuz when I feel..

I don't feel strong enough..

Loving enough...

Intuitive enough...

I don't feel like enough...

Dear Cabbit...the pull...

The pull is so strong right now.

Esp with our youngest playing lots of reggae and Marley.

All the songs you love.

That talk about love.

About redemption.

About following your heart.

It's a return on the energy that came in after you left, that we talked about around the time that we had that first buzz inn dinner in granite.

When you talked about how she was playing uncle Kracker songs on repeat, and I told you how hard it was to feel emotionally okay when our youngest was constantly playing your music and that I had to see his name all the time, which is obviously the same as yours except the IV/V.

And I know from the wrangler you showed our youngest that you're working on today; with plates that equal 17...

That you're getting many signs and syncs too, that are making it hard not think of us.

Heck, just the fact that you were hearing Madonna's "like a virgin" in your head on the same day the gals and I were talking about virginity, tells me we are much more lined up and in sync that it appears.

Much like the side mirrors on the cars say "objects are much closer then they appear".

It feels like that's you and me rn.

We're much closer then it appears.

And are almost to that point of being back in union, this time much more awake and aware then we've ever been before.

Until then, I'm just doing my best to alchemize these sad frustrated feels into the joy of knowing you'll be free soon, and that if nothing else, I'll get to watch you really glow up and learn to be you.

To love you.

To love who you are.

To pursue your potential.

That'll be great to observe.

Dear Cabbit...taking bad advice..

It's interesting.

Our whole story has been full of you taking bad advice from toxic ppl who enjoy seeing drama and stagnation in your life, though it feels now more then ever, like you're giving up your power and taking bad advice in terms of co-parenting and interacting with me.

Funny enough, that actually doesn't feel like a bad thing rn.

It feels like a good thing.

Cuz it feels like the 180 of when I told you that I took some bad advice, when I could've approached things differently.

Esp with whatever this weekend trip is supposed to be about for you.

It feels like the return of you attempting to put the energy into that shituationship, that you should've put into us, and that it's going to really show you who you've been with and how you've hurt yourself and your loved ones giving into those who don't want to see you succeed and heal and enjoy being who you are.

It'll be interesting to see how that plays out.

Many readers who've been very accurate, plus my own cards and Intuition, are saying it's very likely that just before or after the full moon this weekend, you're likely to reach out to me with a volcano of emotions and repeat the "I wish I would've listened" moment that happened about this time last year.

Which feels good and bad.

As much as I do sometimes have feelings like I expressed in that regret note, I really hate seeing you in pain, and I know in order for you to really learn the lessons you need to learn and have refused to do the easier ways, mean you need to go through bigger more painful experiences.

And I've definitely been feeling a return on the energy I was in when you left and then I got more information on who you got tangled up with, where I'm afraid for you.

Thankfully, I'm much calmer and see that it's even more important to trust Spirit and let things play out, then I was then.

Rather then trying to save you, my lesson is to have faith in you saving yourself.

I'm spirit getting you out of that situation in ways that will ensure you don't get into them in the first place anymore.

Which is what I've been reassured is what's happening and why.

So that very soon, you'll be putting appropriate healthy effort into co-parenting and even friendship.

So you won't ever take me for granted like you have.

Or our boys or your sister.

Basically, so you'll learn to cherish the healthy connections you have, and release the unhealthy ones you've been too scared to release and remain free of.

Which is what I focus on.

Not the feeling of knowing you're fighting all the time and wrapped in drama.

Not the disappointment of seeing you'd rather ignore my invitation to participate in a drama free Easter with your family, then to simply say "no thankyou" or "yes please".

Not the stress of knowing that if you're working so much, you're stressed out and life isn't going well.

Instead, I focus on knowing that the more you work, the more time you spend away from the toxic energy at the house and away from karmics trying to keep you trapped and toxic yourself.

The more time and space you have to think about things.

And the more able you are to have the resources to get yourself free; either for your own apt, or to be able to afford that house on your own when you're living alone.

Knowing that as the hardest lessons you've yet been through, come in and break you down, they will help you grow and become the man you really want to be, that I've known you really have been this whole time.

Funny enough, that's part of why I sent that regret note.

I knew you wouldn't get it in that moment.

Though it's like the Andy Grammar song "wish you pain".

It may sound crazy, but I know what you don't; that through pain, growth occurs.

Just like you've shown it already to be doing, just from those words I bravely shared with you that told the truth about how I felt in those moments and what I was seeing.

I know you'll understand someday soon.

That'll be a really good day.

Dear Cabbit...finish line in sight...

Idk what sort of Maverick thing you andor Spirit has in mind for the rest of this week and this weekend, but it feels like it's going to help us cross the finish line in the old third parties cycles.

Most esp you.

I am feeling the back and forth pull of whether or not to seek safety in new connections, though I'm much more strongly feeling the pull of just sitting still.

Which is actually fun, cuz I'm remembering all the times you told me that sometimes you just want to grab my hips and tell me to "hold still", which we both know is cuz you like the idea that it would be a challenge to get me to hold still, and love that I love that kind of stuff...

Anyways..

There have been several important readings, of the few I keep track of (it's much fewer these days), that have affirmed that message.

Don't seek new connections.

Embrace ours faithfully and be present with it, while just having fun.

With videos and the kids and karaoke.

With getting back into exercising and cleaning and working on me stuff.

Blue glass, Butterflies, and Ladybugs.

Junebugs too.

Anyways, I also have a feeling that you're "up to something".

Which is an interesting recycle to when you thought I was up to something about this time last time.

Which I was.

It just wasn't as devious or as big as you might've thought, it had more to do with my relationship with myself, and in terms of us stuff, it had much more to do with overall long-term us stuff, then anything immediate in the moment.

Which is what it feels like you're doing.

And I very much get the feeling that this weekend is going to be very Maverick + McGuyver. 

It feels like it's more a test or setup for the rQoS then anything else, though it feels a bit like a test for me too.

Much like you were doing in those first 3 months from the hotels to the house; testing everyone to see what they were really all about.

Though now you see that I'm for real, and that your feelings for me are real.

And you're pretty sure hers aren't.

Though between the fact that you can't just maturely tell someone like her that you just want to be done and not have a ton of drama created from that, and that you're not fully sure it's safe to free yourself andor come back, you want to be absolutely sure of what your Intuition is telling you.

So you've set some kind of test trap.

11:44am 😂

Anyways, I'm gonna enjoy the absurdity of these thoughts, and of which of the many timelines will occur this weekend...

Cuz even if you genuinely have nothing strategic planned, I know Spirit does, and because of the alignment of the Libran Moon, I know this is all about justice and making things right.

Which means Divine Timing and Divine Interventions 😎

Dear Cabbit...in between our fights..

Idk, but today I keep hearing in my mind, something your sister said for months after you left..

After she heard who you were with..

And talked to you..

And assessed things herself.

She told me that in her mind, the rQoS got in the middle of OUR fights.

What's funny, is that the thoughts on my mind about it rn, aren't so much to do with how you try to play dirty like that, but actually that I feel really bad because this whole time you've thought you were stuck, when really, it's her whose stuck.

And with an ego like hers, that's really got to suck.

You and I are soooo deep.

In our fighting as much as our loving.

And obviously you've been torturing her more then I have! So naughty! Lol

It's interesting to have seen how things have unfolded.

Esp after rewatching that movie.

I'm still laughing about all the scenes I forgot about, like "what did you think I was doing that first hour? I was learning your tells. And consequently, your biggest one is...."

What's bestest about that, is that I wasn't trying to do that this past year, but that did happen.

I was already used to being hypervilgant about your tells from having to be so Intuitive with you far before the seperation; and now, after the past 14 months, I have seen you from a whole new set of angles.

And it very much feels like throughout that time I've learned all the tells you have that I couldn't see when I was sitting right next to you.

Mostly cuz you're so silly about being afraid of vulnerability and authenticity.

Such a silly Cabbit.

I wonder also, have you learned my tells yet?

I know you've been trying to look for the ways I'm like your ex's and karmics.

It's really cute at this point, that you're trying to claim my and the boys demand that you apologize properly for how you've behaved, is me being "controlling".

And that it ever was that when I expected you to do so with me before you left.

*Sigh*

If only I'd had the clarity then, that I do now.

I wouldn't have done much different.

Our journey is adorable so far, and I love that.

Though I do think about how many ppl told me that if I just worked on me and had fun, leaving you in your hot mess, that you would've been out of it by now.

I laugh at myself.

To think I was worried I didn't mean enough to you.

Or that she meant more.

Or that if I didn't keep in touch, you wouldn't have freed yourself and found Spirit.

After all this time, one of the biggest tells I've found to be most consistently true with you; your immaturity gives you away.

Just like it did when we were together.

Though now, despite your best efforts to hide in others shadows, you out yourself again and again.

I look forward to when you no longer feel the need to approach things like that, and can face your fears.

And face yourself.

Then you won't have any problem facing me or anyone with shitty opinions that you shouldn't have listened to before.

Dear Cabbit... ace of spades...

Okay, I'm not sure what to means but I'm really amused by having gone to wake our youngest up and then finding an Ace of Spades on the floor by the door.

The same card that Maverick manifested in the last game at the end of the movie. 

I put in your sweater pocket.

Feels like it'll be relevant at some point, lol

Dear Cabbit...my favorite sync in Maverick..

Hear the end.

The bath house scene.

When Bret said his papy taught him to "never put all his eggs in one basket"..

Followed by him explaining he knew what the last card would be, was "magick"..

Esp after how he did manifestation throughout the movie, like I show you..

And then having the big line in "amazing grace" following that..

"To save a wretch like me"..

Funny enough, whereas I'd usually assume that spirit lead you to movies like that synchronistically and you had no plans to watch something that would clearly lead you to beautiful thoughts about us...

Though I'm starting to get the feeling you're really awake and aware now..

And that you're watching movies like that, to help you re-member yourself and me...

That you might even have told me you watched it, as an intentional clue this time..

A delicious absurdity to imagine..

I look forward to finding out soon, lol.

Dear Cabbit...the park...

I'm sitting at the park by the yellow house, thinking about all the times our youngest has been pointing out to me all the cars and trucks that look like yours, and all the ppl who he thought were almost you, and how he has felt like you're gonna show up any minute and make things right..

I hesitate to tell him that I have been seeing the same signs and syncs, and feeling the same way.

Like you're just gonna show up to Mirkwood, and this park, and the house, and other places you know we go.

That you're gonna show up alone and he the dad we know and love..

Except even better..

Full of empathy and ready to make our boys your biggest life priority and never let anyone get in the way of that again..

Our youngest told me yesterday that he's decided to lean into what he's seeing and work on manifesting you to come to the park and play with him.

He's adorable, cuz for him, he much more wants you to be nice to me, they he wants you to play with him.

He wants both.

He's just been emphasising that he wants you to be nice to me again.

This feels like the times after you left, before the first granite buzz inn meal, when I told you how hard it was to leave you be when our very own kids were calling you in and showing me constantly..

And then you told me about how the rQoS was playing unkle Kracker on repeat and doing a ton of things that reminded you of me..

And you'd send be pics of all the signs and syncs you'd see at work and at the stores..

I trust and have faith in spirit and you enough to know that's going on on your end now, just like it was then.

And it feels like if I just leave you in that, you'll naturally do the right things.

That you'll come back to you.

Be the good boy that you really are.

Which is both easy and hard.

I'll explain another time though.

For now...time to refocus...

Rabble...

Dear Cabbit...sad money...

Just had a funny but sad vision.

In it, you got tons of money.

That inherence from your dad, money from your aunt, and lots of money in from work and some investments.

Maybe even the lottery or a big casino win.

You were surrounded by money.

Though you looked miserable.

And very alone.

In it, I could see you looking at pictures of me and the boys.

Crying, cuz you miss us.

It felt like you finally Manifested all the money you could ever want, and with that you thought that would make you happy.

Though it didn't.

What it did do, was make you realize how silly it was too prioritize money over your family and true love...

Dear Cabbit... Forgiveness Moon and Junebug Season..

So many things feel like they're happening at one time.

It doesn't feel so overwhelming to me, though it feels like I can feel that it feels overwhelming to you.

Like you've been crying.

Some might call it "ugly crying", though whenever I imagine you crying so much you get all snotty, although it breaks my heart to ever see or sense you in pain, I see nothing but beauty and strength in that expression of such deep emotions.

I've always appreciated you sharing those moments with me in the past.

It felt like the deepest sign you felt safe with me, and that felt like intimacy..

"Into me I see"...

Intimacy...

Anyways..

I just heard on the radio a little bit ago, that Junebug Season just started. 

Which is funny, I thought that was in June.

Though it's oddly fitting that it's now, cuz I also keep getting syncs of vday, which was last month.

So it's like even though it's March, the energy is still in Feb in some ways, already in April, and even already a few toes into June.

I keep feeling the energy of that note you sent me..

To come find me for your bday..

Which is funny, cuz even though you changed it when others asked you about it, to that meaning you were going to find yourself, it's the same thing.

Just wish you'd be courageous enough to be honest with everyone.

That either you did mean that you were coming to find me, or that you were coming to find you.

I wouldn't have been upset if you meant you were going to find you.

In fact, I was just going through old photos of us, and passed upon several that were in that green book of vulnerabilities..

Where I told you that it wasn't your love for me I questioned, it was your love for you..

Cuz when you love yourself, you always love and are good to me...

I also looked at pics of some notes you had written, talking about how we were spending so much time on your feelings and things you needed to heal, that my feelings didn't get attention and what I needed to heal didn't get focused on..

Then by the time you grew, I was so angry..

There were many beautiful emotions in those notes that I wish you'd have shared with me when we were sitting in the RV..

I can own that I was in a shadowy place myself at the time, and can't promise I would've taken it all 100% well if I'd known those feelings.

Though I know myself and my heart well enough to know I would've taken it better, and been able to hold space for you AND myself better if I'd known ALL of how you felt..

Though that's been a big challenge for a long time...

The splitting...

It's like, with you, I've not been allowed to have human moments where I'm not the most kind and patient and understanding person ever.

If I get mad.

If I have a tantrum.

If I feel the world is falling apart and can't get out of the spins...

If I'm tired and not as compassionate for your spinning...

If I have moments where I'm reactive or being a bitch; I not know have to hold myself extra accountable, but then I have to hear it from you for months and sometimes years.

Which I wouldn't mind if that was equal.

If it was more like how it was 4 weekends ago, when I shared the pain I sometimes feel about feeling like I can't "love" again, because of all the times you told and showed me "love" was childish, and then went and intentionally made up that you were giving all those things to the rQoS, including saying you were getting married for "love"...

When you heard that and said you understood the pain, and were happy I finally got it "out"...

Then you promised...

You made the best promise you've ever made...

You said you should've spoken with loving words for all those years before..

And that you promised that's how it would be from then on out..

It felt like those words were REAL...

Even though it seemed like you were drunk..

It also felt like you weren't "there" yet, in terms of being able to fulfill such a promise..

But that you were closer then ever..

That at least you SAW that..

You owned it..

You showed some accountability..

I saw visions then, that you would go back into a dark energy for a bit..

Though I didn't think it would be as deep as it was..

Least of all did I expect you to go back on your promise to apologize and make things right with the boys..

Nor to go back into the space where you belittle me and tell me I'm being controlling and judgemental to require genuine apologies and hold good boundaries until that happens..

I thought we got passed that..

And I still hear in my head how many times you demanded prefect consistency from me..

Not having empathy for how hard it is to have that with someone I love as much as you...

Esp when you say in one moment that you just need consistency and honesty from me, and then when I give both, you treat me like I'm a monster...

I have only ever wanted you to be happy..

I've bent over backwards trying to be a version of myself that I'm happy with, that you're excited about..

Most esp with consistency..

Now you have it.

Clear consistent rules and boundaries.

And it seemed like after some initial fits about the change, you felt better about it.

I have so many screenshots about you owning everything and preparing to address it, make proper space for the boys, and to just be fucking kind to me...

Then you went back to the other dimension hard..

I could tell things were going crazy over there..

And all I wanted was to go find you, hug you, and tell you to come home where it's safe..

And if you couldn't do that...

Then at least tell me what's REALLY going on...

So I know how to prepare myself, and the boys...

Give me the clarity and consistency you demand from me...

Though you wouldn't..

And with everything else going on in my and the boys life, plus my aching heart about everything you were doing to hurt me on purpose just to "prove a point" that never needed to be made..

And all the stuff with mom and dad health wise..

And how the boys feel hurt about your choices...

I cracked.

And instead of holding back for fear it would push you away, I listened to spirit when it said to show those feelings to you.

To follow through on going ALL the way on giving up.

To look at like, either this will help things heal after some towers or it'll finally create enough closure that I can stop reaching out and you can do what it appears in the 3d like you really want; to be freed of your responsibility and attachments to the boys, me, and everything we had...

It took a lot of faith and trust to do any of that.

To believe that I could really show you my human moments and you wouldn't run away for good. 

Or that at very least, if you did, the pain of losing you with finality, would be easier to process and heal.

Though then you blocked my number without either cutting all strings or saying you wanted to work things out and just needed more time.

Which I know actually means you want the second option.

Though it still hurts.

It's still immature.

It's still disrespectful.

It's still ambiguous.

I try to focus on knowing you're in a dangerous situation, and that you likely did that as much for my protection as for yours.

Though when you sent that email that the boys could easily reach out to you, not acknowledging at all that you have hurt them DEEPLY.

As much as I already knew you were still in the other dimension, that still hurt to read.

I know you know better.

I know you know you hurt them.

I know you know it's not that easy.

I also know you wanted to say so much more then that.

Yet you choose to be stuck.

You choose to hide.

You choose to sit on the fence.

To pretend you can never do wrong and that it should always be me and the boys who bend our boundaries for you and your karmics, and that it's wrong and judgmental to expect equal exchange in that way.

That sucks.

That's not you.

And more then anything, it makes my heart yearn for you to really see yourself..

To really see our boys...

And to really see ME.

That's one of the biggest things I've always wanted over the years..

Just to be really seen by you..

For you to take me off the pedestal...

Recognize I'm human too.

That I have growing to do too.

That we'll both always have growing to do.

That I don't expect perfection.

That I'm infinitely forgiving.

That I see you, and know your heart.

And so much more...

Idk..

In many ways it just feels like wasted words...

Falling on deaf ears...

That why I write it hear, rather then sending it to you or telling you directly..

It feels like you would see me as weak or needy or trying to make a move or something like that.

Rather then just being authentic.

Just wanting the connection healed, so if nothing else we can be healthy co-parents.

Yes, I want far more then that.

Though it feels scary to write that even here. 

Even this little.

You're so scared to love yourself and be genuinely loved by anyone else, that any expression of genuine love from me, seems like you feel it's a trap or trick.

Or it triggers the rQoS, and then you cowtow and pander to her like a cuck who doesn't want to be in that dynamic but you're too afraid to stand up for yourself and get out of it.

Which drives me nuts.

If you can stand up to me; even in times you should be yielding, then you can stand up to her, and ask your karmics.

Anyways...

This wasn't what I meant to write about..

Though idk at this point if you'll ever read this stuff, so who cares, right? 😔

All I can do is hope that what Spirit tells me it's true..

Which is that when the ladybugs and cicadas return...

So will the real you..

And that's when the real healing will begin..

That's when you'll choose yourself in healthy ways again..

And when you find yourself..

You'll find your heart..

And fix things with the boys..

And with me..

This time for real..

And it'll last..

Esp as it's predicted you'll finally do what I suggested..

Get single..

Date yourself for a while..

Not be under anyone's thumbs (mine included).

When you can finally figure out who you are when you're not getting entangled...

I pray for faith in lining up with that timeline..

It feels like, even if You and I never got into a real both feet in union in this lifetime, that my heart would heal in so many ways just to see you heal yours like that.

Like, even if you did find someone new and get married for "love"...

At least it would healthy and real and safe..

I could live with that...

Even though my heart still cries every night to be that person by your side...

To be RECOGNIZED as your gift and light..

To finally be the "good guy/gal"...

Rabble...

Dear Cabbit...Ugly Ducks..lol

Oh man, wish I could add pics to this blog without the app crashing.

At that Twin Lakes park, there is the fugliest boy duck I've ever seen!

Though he's so ugly he's adorable, most esp cuz of how personality.

He does this little tail wag like a puppy!!

I look forward to when I can take you there and you can meet him.

I've decided he's my new boyfriend, lol

Also, I'm seeing lots of syncs from our favorite movie.

Esp "ducks in a line", which obviously isn't a common way to say that phrase, lol

Seeing many "mermaid" syncs too.

Do you wanna kiss the girl again? 😜

Anyways, I'm highly amused at your email this morning.

Just as I didn't need to say anything last night nor to respond to you this morning, you didn't need to send anything this morning.

Yet you did.

Even funnier, I saw some visions of you sending me very early morning messages.

Must esp when you get back to being "you", and wanting to make the most of the day by starting as early as possible.

It doesn't seem like that's where you're at just yet, though it feels like soon.

Which is fine.

I'm gonna enjoy my new lover duck and all this freedom with the boys while you 'get your ducks in a line', lol.

Dear Cabbit...sigh...

Well..

I decided to come to mirkwood..

Thought there'd be karaoke, and that I'd find some comfort in that..

Though it's the jam night.

I thought then, that maybe I'd be up for jamming...

Even got the tall Midori.

Though I don't want it anymore..

All the jazz and reggae and singing of king bees wanting their queen bees...and "tell me that you love" me kind of songs..

Followed by ppl jamming in just your genres..

I know you'd have such a blast if you took your balls back, got out of your comfort zone, and got out here...

Strange thing too..

I keep feeling like I'm feeling you arriving here...

Seeing visions of you on stage..

Just having a good time for once..

I want that to become real so much..

Though for now..

I'm gonna head back to the yellow house..

Cuz our youngest is sending me pics of Monte's like yours..

He says he's missing you..

I told him I am too..

We agreed to have big hugs tonight..

Might sleep in the bedroom with him too..

We're all missing you...

Hope you come out of the other dimension again soon..

And decide to stay a long while... 😔

Dear Cabbit...your music...

I know it's a recycle..

Though idk exactly why..

I have my hunches..

Though I find myself sitting at a new park called "twin lakes"..

Listening to "Yesterday's Gone"..

Feeling like you're thinking about everything..

Most esp about me..

Feels like you're overthinking things again..

Triple thinking...lol

Idk.

These sads.

Blarg.

I know you need to feel them.

It's so hard to sit here knowing you feel so sad, and also knowing I need to let you feel it...and just sit here feeling it..

Not reaching..

Not rescuing...

Just having faith..

You'll see what I see..

You'll see the real you..

And the real me..

And in the meantime..

Feeling my own waterfalls..

Sigh...

I love you..

You're in my prayers my love..

Dear Cabbit...twin lakes of sad...

It's strange...

I've done many happy things today..

Then at about 4:44pm....I felt struck with sads..

I'm trying to look within myself to feel what that's about..

I can feel much of it is simply missing my "home"...you...

Though more then anything..

It feels like you feel sad..

About many things...

Idk..

Dear Cabbit...I'm gonna do it...

I've found myself wanting to drive to Arlington a lot lately.

There's some nice peaceful parks out here I like.

Though I think what it is, is that I want to be at mirkwood.

Not really sure why yet.

Though they are open now, so I think I'm gonna be brave and go in.

Even if only for a min.

Why not, right?

Dear Cabbit...recycle..

I'm amused, my love.

I look forward to the moment you feel that feeling somewhere between "I can't take it anymore", and "I'm excited to tell her I'm free...that I'm coming.."

Then the moments when I'm able to share what Spirit showed me when we were connected, and how it's showing me all the same stuff now, filling me with such a fun and incredible faith in you, in me, in spirit, and absurdly enough - in karmics, lol

Most esp funny to me, is the readers who've been very on target, who are now echoing exactly what I feel is happening:

Recycles.

You're trying to avoid that big ending with the rQoS, that you know needs to happen.

That you actually did already; this time last year.

When you were actively chosing to heal.

The same ending you avoided with me back then, and are avoiding with me now.

Though she's in old me spaces.

So you working late and pretending everything is fine, won't work for her.

Even moreso because we aren't connecting.

She might not be the brightest bulb in the drawer, but she's not exactly stupid and she knows that our connection matters to you.

Most esp cuz of the kids.

That's why she worked so hard to try to destroy it.

And now that it feels like that might've actually happened, she's questioning it, and likely driving you nuts between constantly needing reassurance and looking for "evidence" to back up that it's really "done".

Which is hard to find when you won't actually allow it to be done.

By just not talking to me, you're keeping everything active, and even if you can convince her of that intellectually, she can FEEL that's not true.

Same as me.

Same as everyone around you, whether you choose to acknowledge that or not.

Ironically, you're also trying to do that with her and the ending that's already been happening.

Though I recognize that in the moves you made, I already got all the answers.

You just need space.

You're keeping our connection.

You'll correct things with the boys and me and everyone else, when you've had time by yourself and faced your bigger karma.

And once that's done, you'll reappear and do things right.

Just as you always do.

Though for her, that faith isn't there.

She doesn't know you that well.

She doesn't know herself that well.

She doesn't know me that well.

And the whole reason you manifested each other, is because of the lack of faith in each other and in yourselves.

Which is why you've both harassed each other with insecurities and negative head games that have lead to the current dynamics.

And if I'm right that she's either an unhealthy 8 or 2 type, then in feeling the lack of hard evidence that your shifty crabby self will never give her, and feeling like she's losing all control over everything after you and I changed the game, will drive her to try to seek intimacy through conflict in toxic ways, thinking that because you and I do that with each other, that that's what she needs to do to get you back...

Not knowing that you as a 6 type can only handle a certain amount of conflict, and that I'm very thoughtful and loving about all the fights I allow to happen between us, and know when to actually back off and give you real space.

As you already noted this last summer, a little after this time now.

I expect you're seeing that again now or will soon.

Either way, I know I'm correct, and I know the readers I've been following a while, are correct too.

That rn, she's overfixating, splitting, and self sabetoging - as are you.

Though you're actually on your way UP in vibes, and starting to apply what you've learned over this last year.

Esp the thing about not accepting every fight that comes at you.

Which scares her more.

The lack of ability to stir your pot, means no ability to control you or maintain the cycles she's become accustomed to with you.

Which means back to the days when she texted you every five mins, and showed up at your work often to make sure I wouldn't, and triangulating you with her ex's and family, and going even more overboard about trying to keep you busy, demand you participate in everything; dinner, shopping, sex, fighting, family stuff, etc...

Esp as, even if you were completely "fine" with where things sit in the 3d with you and me and the boys, and what's coming with the courts if you don't turn things around before then, there is NO WAY she'll believe that, cuz she does what you used to - sees everyone else as projections of herself.

She's unable to understand that you have transcended that old you stuff.

And so now, she faces the karma in that she spent so much time trying to keep you in a box in a world where I was the enemy trying to "force" enlightenment on you (as if that were possible, lol), and convincing you that it was impossible that any person could really be that mature, drama free, and well meaning - now she's turning herself against you, cuz the only way for you to stay away from me, is to go UP in vibration.

Well, okay..

You could go down into the dark vibes with her, though you've spent so much time shit talking me and saying you don't want me, only to be caught in your own lies and inconsistencies about that, that even if you really did momentarily feel that way rn, she could never let herself believe that.

Not just because you've proven itself not true; moreso because of her poor self esteem.

Just like you, she doesn't believe she's good enough to have genuine healthy love, or that she's worthy of it even if she could find it.

So it's easier to believe it doesn't exist, and to try to "accept" that's the way the world is and that she just has to make sure she keeps careful control over everything and every one around her.

I have the string sense that you're doing what I did about this time last year in the cycle; Releasing Control.

Letting this unfold as they will.

To a degree.

Cuz you still don't want to face the world in your head, that you think will be upset at you when you allow things to end with her..

Even though you sorely want the freedom you know you deserve and that will earn healthy pride from you and for you, esp from those who really care about you.

Though because you called her in to grow and help you face yourself, she's going to do exactly what she came into this life to do for you; bully you into it.

She's in a space I never really let myself get into no matter how much I want to.

She prides herself on forcefulness, bullying, violence, and taking things to extremes.

Much like your other ex's.

A road where I def diverge from them.

A road you diverge from them too.

Though because she's used to that, feels it's safest to maintain control, and will push and push and push until it's either better or completely blown up - an energy YOU actually showed me she was in by how you were acting and what you told me she was doing, that confirms for me that rn, while you and I are taking space from am our strings, that she's pushing hard.

Not even knowing that your freedom is Manifesting through her own hands.

Not fully.

You want that freedom.

You also don't know that in avoiding things with someone like her, and by not making a clean break with me, that she's playing out the role of the person you were with right before me; the same one you dreamt about around this time in the cycle...

Whom you were telling you couldn't be with, because you were with me..

The radiant one standing there in pink looking adorable and mystical 😏

She'll push and push

And you won't budge.

It wouldn't even matter if you really wanted to do that stuff with me

It's in your bratty 6 type nature to do the opposite of anything you're told to do, most esp by anyone who has made themselves an authority figure in your life.

Which you'll do even if you don't know you're doing it.

And because I'm not doing anything

There's nothing to hide behind about what I'm doing.

So all the things she might bring up about me, will just annoy you more because you already have a really hard time not thinking about me and not feeling bad about where things sit.

And it'll also show you who she really is

Who I really am

And most importantly; who YOU really are and are choosing to be.

Anyways.

Just some thoughts on my mind 😎

Dear Cabbit...Orange Sheet Curtain...

Wow...

A big sync came in and reminded me of the orange top sheet I got for us in the first apt, and how much we did with it.

My favorite was when our funny kitties started playing with it, got the hole in it, and then started playing through the hole while you were showering, lol

Dear Cabbit.....rainbows and such...

Today I'm sitting by the lake, near downtown.

Listening to the ducks and watching the ripples in the water from the consistently gentle winds blowing over the top of the water...

Thinking about how silly you are.

And how silly I am.

And how much I love that.

The rainbows remind me of so many things, and def show me you're thinking about me a lot.

And a lot about you.

And feeling nostalgic.

Hearing that old trueheart tune..

"the lovers...dreamers...and me..."

I also saw some ppl riding tandem bicycles the past few days, which made me laugh out loud.

Then today, spirit is being extra loud about "cycles".

Every kind of cycle.

And rainbows herald new cycles.

Which is extra fitting with tomorrow being the spring equinox, the official "new year" in Astrology.

It's funny, cuz I'm also seeing how much you really are a son of the moon.

How all your "memorialized" trauma and joy anniversaries are all timed with the cycles of the seasons and moons.

I'm looking back on how we did this last year, and all the things we each called in, did, and learned..

And loving knowing that your natural cycles are bringing you back up from that big drop you always go through between Sept & Feb.

Ha.

It's now 12:34pm.

Thanks for the confirmation 😜

For some reason, that brings a vision into my mind, of you telling everyone you're going for it.

You're freeing yourself from your old karmic cycles, doing what I suggested, and deciding you want to put BOTH feet in with me and the kids.

And the same old karmics who've worked tirelessly to hold you back, keep you in a box they can easily control, and convince you to stay far away from me and anything with even the hint of it being something I might be doing or have suggested..

And that you're listing of for them, all the reasons why you're doing it anyways.

Including something like, "No matter what, I'm gonna be dealing with some drama and crazy...at least with her, she knows she's crazy, and embraces it in all the best ways...and she adores my kind of crazy...and makes me feel not so bad about it...not so alone in it...if I'm gonna have crazy in my life no matter what, I'd rather have it be with her...cuz at least then it'll always be fun...and at least with her..."

Absurdity, right? Lol

That seems like the energy of the day for sure.

And along those lines, I keep seeing the words "garage", "miracles" and "talk".

"Backup plan" and "plan b" keep coming up a little gentler too, as are "fire" and "fool".

Plus, many in our collective are coming into energies of crying tears of overwhelming joy, and facing their fears of success.

Which I feel like is all that's holding you back now.

The same as I realized was holding you back, just before we had the big fights before you left.

That you weren't afraid to fail with me.

You were afraid to succeed.

Just the same as you've been afraid of really embracing your music career, and starting your own businesses, and so many other beautiful dreams you've held yourself back from, not because you might fail...

But because you might succeed..

And if you did that..

You could no longer use the excuses "I can't", "I don't understand" or "I don't know"..

And my oh my!

What would you do then?!

If you could no longer pretend to be helpless...incapable... ignorant..

What kind of scary changes might occur if you were to show the world just how radiant, confident, human, and successful you really are and can be? 

That would just be too crazy..

To scary...

Right? 😜

I'm hearing that song "I'm coming out...I want the world to know...want to let it show..."

And it feels like an energy within you..

Bursting forth into your heart and overpowering that old self doubt..

Helping the real you...

The you I've "told you so" about..

The beautiful Cabbit full of Radical Courage and creative healing light...

I so look forward to getting to chat with that guy 😏

Spirit tells me we're heading into an evolved recycle of that energy...

When you were adorably working hard to impress me with all the rigidness relaxed..

The spark of adventure in your soul..

Your tangible goals...

Your brave boundary setting...

Your confidence in yourself..

And how in touch you were getting with your own vulnerabilities...

Seeing yourself and the rest of the world in new ways...

Ready to face everything you ran from before...

Spirit says that even though it's really not been all that long...

That when you reach out next..

You'll seem like a new man.

That you'll be feeling like a new man.

And you'll be thanking me.

For all the absurdites and commitment to not only having "balls" myself, but doing whatever it took to show you that you've always had them too...

Enough to be brave enough to do what no one else has ever done...

Really have faith in you...

While embracing the absurdity of expressing that I didn't...

Even if only for a minute...

So you could find that faith in yourself...

This is fun.

The him of purple ducks, rabbit trails, and distraction chickens...

While watching rainbows come in and out of existence..

Bringing beautiful songs into my heart, as I allow in the visions of coming absurdites we'll be enjoying together...

Building beautiful memories to share when we're old and wrinkly and farting in our easy chairs next to each other...

Laughing about and cherishing all the adventures we've shared..

Most especially that one time..

When you ran away to join the circus for a little while... 😜

Dear Cabbit...strings remaining...

I'm thinking about that email from our oldests school, that you got included in.

It was amusing to realize I hadn't told them to remove you from communications like I did with our youngest.

The topic was also funny.

I'm wondering what all you're going through over there that has to do with the vax debate, which I know reminds you of me.

And it specifically gets into the topic of violating consent.

I also know that this is a magickal time for you, when you're seeing how challenging it is to stop thinking about us and where things sit, and really processing WHY you don't want to cut all strings.

Which leads back to "What do you WANT?"

I am also positive Spirit is bringing in all sorts of signs and syncs about us, most esp if you've been trying to "release" us.

Cuz that's how it works.

Once you don't need things anymore, they all come in.

And in dashing between Marysville and Arlington today, I noticed you're driving MY car.

Which just makes me giggle so much.

That most definitely will make it impossible not to think of us.

And if it's in as bad a condition as you let it get into, that means something is going on with your other rides, and that opens up all sorts of interesting things to think about that may be happening during this time of "Re-Membering" energy.

Plus, I know that you; like me, often call in that "big stick" energy.

So whatever is going on, I know it's not boring, lol.

Not for "King of Drama".

Least of all for the KoA who has been trying so hard to reform himself all year, lol.

Even moreso considering how tightly you're holding onto every string you can, despite what you have 'said' you 'want'.

You're adorable.

Anyways.

I must get back to my cards and deliveries.

Just enjoying all the delicious visions coming in of your nearing resurrection 😏

Dear Cabbit... re-membering old buildings..

I've been doing more DD in Arlington lately.

Not really sure why I feel called to be out there lately.

Just do.

Find a few nice parks out there.

Been looking at the properties in the other side of 9 too.

Though when I drive out there, I often see old buildings that remind me of us.

How we'd see old buildings most everyone else would've written off.

Whereas you and me..

We saw treasure.

Auto shops.

Tea shops.

Adventure.

I love that.

And I would say I 'miss' it.

Except I don't.

Cuz it's so ALIVE in my heart rn.

It feels like you're sitting next to me in the car, getting excited about all we could do with old buildings...

I luff it.

Dear Cabbit... faith in you...

I just had a set of fun and funny visions, and a thought that Spirit says you'll soon see..

The fact that if I really had no faith in you; I never would've told you any of what I did recently.

Least of all that I have no faith in you.

Which I said with full realization that I was feeling a temporary absence of faith that was backed up by knowing that if I showed you I have those big feelings sometimes, that it would somehow show you how much faith I actually do have in you; after you learn to have faith in you.

Also, just fyi; *I* did NOT "give" you a "complex".

You already had those complexes.

You were just able to keep them compartmentalized better until I held them up in front of you with those words.

Anyways, the funny vision, was of you doing your 6 thing, and going around collecting opinions from everyone, in a way that doesn't give away who you're talking about or why...

So you can see what others might do with the choices you have before you, and Spirit is going to help you see "what you want".

Which, incase you haven't noticed, is the place in the spiralcycle that we have returned to.

Proper Apologies

And "What do you really WANT?"

In fact, it feels like I can feel you writing another text to me, where you tell me you've decided what you really want.

You might even recycle what you used last time, without knowing it; saying you really want a "warm friendship", lol

I'm giggling.

If you do that, I might just tell you no, just because we both know that you'll just fall in love with me again.

Esp with how many things you've revealed that you had to do just to keep yourself away from me and convince yourself that I'm the bad guy, lolol.

You're so adorable.

Anyways, the other funny vision, is of what's ahead, esp if you continue to be a slow poke about things; ever worried about using the "right" words and taking the "right" actions, still learning to trust yourself, trust Spirit, and trust me and the boys.

Silly Cabbit.

If you think last year when you left was a hard "show" to keep away from, then you just wait.

Cuz I'm in such a place of total faith about how everything works out, and am listening to my intuition and Spirit, that while you free yourself and figure out the "right" words and actions, imma be over here living the delicious life I know Big Pimpin really wants and yearns for.

While you lurk.

Like the adorable creepy lurker guy you have always been.

Watching me REALLY have fun.

Wondering just how much *fun* I'm *really* having, and with who..

And if any of them are able to pass all tests..

And finding that adorable hypocritical possesiveness in you burning you up.

Wanting me all to yourself

Wanting to be out having fun with me

Wanting to make sure every guy within any radius of me, knows that I'm YOURS...

Though knowing you have ZERO control, and can't do anything about what I do or what anyone else thinks, until you want it ALL and are ready to REALLY have "balls".

Fun thoughts.

I'm really laughing out loud at what kinds of kinky things your mind is making you think I'd be getting up to with this new found freedom and faith.

Likely a ton of things I'd either never think about or wouldn't be interested in unless you were in my arms to exp it with.

Such juicy thoughts.

I look forward to the day when you tell me about how you drove yourself nuts with kinky and jealous thoughts about all I might get up to with my healthy freedoms and nature for adventure...

That will be so adorable.

I love you.

I'll hug you so much when that happens, lol.

Yours always,

Madame Rose

Dear Cabbit...virginity...

Just talked with a friend about the difference between losing your 3d body virginity vs losing your sacred body virginity.

Which got me to thinking about how as it sits, I've not done anything physical with anyone in over a year. 

Which has created a certain anxiety for me in the idea of doing so now.

Esp with how much I want for YOU to have this totally tight and refreshed "new" me...

It's funny, cuz as much as I love and am excited at the idea of a special new exp with a new person..

I'm even more excited at this incredible exp that we've manifested virginal us...

Which is all we were missing for the kind of sacred handfasting we wanted...

I'm loving imagining that we could do the whole corny "wait to be married" thing...

And then have that super special moment on the evening of...

It mixes in the magick..

The sacredness...

The chastity...

Allthethings...

And I know how much you've always loved how soft, tight, and wet I am...

It feels like I can feel you imagining what it'll be like to experience all those feelings even MORE intensely...

The feeling of that happening is so delicious.

I'm loving living in the magick of that vision.

So I'm just gonna live in it for right now, while imagining your consciousness and heart are also in a wonderful vision of us..

Dear Cabbit....my heart...

It's so strange...

It feels like you're pulling at my heart...

Like you're trying to pull me to you..

Yet also like you're doing everything you can to rid yourself of that feeling...

To push away at it..

It also feels like it just be complete chaos around you...

Like, whatever the opposite of complete control is...

That's the feeling it feels like.

Which isn't how anything in my life currently is.

Tbh, without connecting to you every day, there's virtually zero "drama" in my life.

So I know this energy isn't "me".

I'm also aware it's not just you.

Even though it probably feels like you're alone in it, you're really not.

It's interesting to get nearly all current confirmations of what you're going through, via the other individuals and couples in our collective.

If it hadn't been for how this whole year has shown me who ALWAYS moves, drops, comes up, checks out, checks in, and so on...at the same times you do, and most of the time; in the same way and over the same issues, lol

I'm giggling.

It'll be so fun when you check back into this dimension and reconnect with me in 3d.

When we can talk about "higher" things..

About "absurdites"...

Just like these ones listed.

How I always "know everything".

Or "gnow" everything, as I've respelled it.

How it wasn't just what you said or didn't, what you did or didn't.

I know you likely thought it was all to do with our direct 3d connection.

It's actually been quiet adorable watching you do your best to stay away, stop talking, stop texting, and not ever give me any sort of clues.

As if that would dull your radiant energy that gives it a away, lol

Not to mention, you want me to know.

If you didn't, the energy wouldn't be accessible and it wouldn't just land in my lap as it does most of the time.

I don't even have to look for it.

Ppl come to me and tell me about dreams they have about us, and all sorts of funny and sometimes creepy manifestions occur that I GNOW comes from you.

You're energy has a specific signature.

A 'scent' and shape if you will..

A 'musk' 😜

Anyways...

I'm sure the walrus will tell me when the time has come...

To talk of many things...

Until then, I'll just do my thing.

Speaking of, I'm soooooo looking forward to karaoke opening up again.

I really wanna sign that song "Slow Hands" by Niall.

It's delicious 😊😏😎

Dear Cabbit....shift happens...

I'm on the phone with my friend, and observing things going on in the collective...
It feels like today a big shift is about admitting to how we are lying to ourselves and others and using that to dissasociate and take advantage of others trauma...
Which then makes us feel like we're stuck at a locked door where we have a 1,000 keys and none of them seem to work for it, even though we KNOW the key is on that ring.
We even know that we have the right key in there, and that we just have to turn it a certain way or push the door up at the same time in order to get it to open..
Though because we don't know which key is the right key, we have to patiently try each key again and again until we get the right key at the right angle with the right pressure and the locked door opens...

It feels like BIG things are happening today...
That I'm getting the right pieces for me, and you're getting the right pieces for you...
And that's going to burst communication WIDE open VERY soon...

Cool....

Dear Cabbit... Mercury...

Just saw that dear old Merc is headed into Pisc. 

That feels really really important.

That gets you into your real feelings and dissolves prior communication boundaries and challenges.

It feels like that's related to the Next 72 reading I just did, where it said Throat Chakra healing is happening...

Which is exactly what you've needed..

What we've both been praying for...

Healing TTT...

Dear Cabbit...don't get it twisted...

You know, the irony in the recent "under the skin" stuff, is that what really got under my skin was you and how you've been treating our boys.

Though even more then that, was when you said you thought that I told you to leave and then realized what I lost.

Which is NOT the truth.

I already knew your potential and value long ago.

If I didn't, I wouldn't have let you come back home after that night you got so drunk you blacked out and tried to attack me.

The night I told you could either stay with me and our oldest son, or leave and keep drinking.

If I didn't know what I was losing, I wouldn't have put in FIFTEEN YEARS of commitment and love into us.

I was NEVER unaware of the value of you as an individual, as a partner, and as a father.

My problem was that YOU didn't see it.

Better

Neither you're in value in you

Nor our boys

And least of all in me.

THAT is why I told you to move out.

Why I saw that you needed seperation.

The irony is, I know even if you don't, that actually, it was you who realized shortly after you left and are realizing again now, just what all you have actually lost in leaving as you did and then acting as you have.

Cuz if you think about it, with how badly you've treated me and how little you reciprocated anything over the past 13 years, I'm not actually "losing" anything.

Esp with you not keeping any of your promises.

Not for endless friendship.

Not for connecting in healthy ways with the boys.

Not in taking your cat.

Not in working out co-parenting stuff.

Not in promising to use loving words as you realized you should've from the beginning.

Not with you being drunk all the time.

Not with you having allowed a messy, unsafe, toxic circus to unfold at your house where no one wants to be; least of all you or our boys.

Heck, it's pretty clear even the rQoS kids don't want to be there anymore; and that's giving a generous assumption that at one point they wanted to do that.

And whereas in the beginning, we at least had jokes and nostalgic conversations, you took that away months ago.

Well before tg.

You took away your commitment to having healthy boundaries over there and to getting your life turned upward sometime in June after you said you felt "trapped", which is when you really started being an asshole to the kids.

So you tell me, what am *I* losing at this point?

What are the boys losing?

A guy who says he doesn't understand us or have any empathy for me or HIS own kids?

A guy who would rather placate and pander to the most dramatic person around him then those who are quietly just asking him to come play and stop being a jackass?

A guy who doesn't tend to any of his actual responsibilities then who gets mean and upset when called out on it?

Yes.

Those are "losses".

Yes.

I expected better of you by now.

As did Goldenrod and my parents and your sister and many others.

So, in a way, you could say that after you left I realized "what I lost".

Though it was never about me having some realization that I made some huge mistake and should've just allowed you to continue to be toxic to me and the boys cuz you were bringing so much to the table.

It was more like because of how you've allowed your life to be turned into a messy house of horrors, I realized I lost a lot of drama, driftwood, and emotional baggage that was holding us all back.

Yes, I did have moments in the beginning where I realized that *I* could've taken different approaches to things when we were together, though the real truth is that the only reason I didn't see those pathways to easier resolutions with us, is because you felt safer in the lower dimensions of narcissism and pain.

In getting yourself wrapped up in karmic third parties and constantly keeping drama triangles going which you were so awful about that you hypocritically wouldn't even allow me to do the same to feel some sense of sanity about all that absurdity.

The reason I was able to see that stuff after you left, was because I had the space, time, and energy to practice far better self care and really think about things.

To see where I could've done better in the past, for ME.

To be true to who *I* am.

No matter what kind of bs you're into.

Which is what I realized when I sent you the "you're life is too messy" note.

THAT is what I should've told you.

That's what I would've told you the night you allowed your ex wife back into your boundaries and then started staying out all night with your first gf.

To get your life cleaned up and figure out what the hell you really want, then come correct.

Though I let myself go low with you, cuz I was in a "what dreams may come" sort of vibe, where it felt like I needed to go into the lower dimensions with you and play your games to get you to see how deeply they HURT.

To "lesson teach".

When I should've told you to get yourself together, then focused on doing so myself and left you to make whatever messes you needed to make in order to see your own value and mine.

Though it's ok.

I don't actually regret how things have gone.

That regret note I sent was a momentary feeling and I knew that.

Spirit just told me to share it with you.

To be real about those feelings because it was about some kind of fear thing and towers you were working through that would help you find yourself, and that for me it was about having faith that I could share raw feelings like that with you and see that you still choose me.

To trust what you've shown me so far.

To trust my own intuition and what spirit has shown me over and over again.

And to prepare for the biggest test of faith yet; Silence.

Allowing towers to fall with no control.

Trusting all the times I knew they were happening before that I couldn't "see" in the 3d and that you kept quiet until weeks and sometimes months later.

I've been correct the whole time.

Ironically, even about you always eventually telling the truth.

And now it's about having faith in you seeing the truth.

The truth that you are not living in "SoA", and want to live a fun, mature, and honorable life.

The truth that we are deeply compatible.

The truth that not only do you deeply appreciate me and the boys, you feel deep appreciation for yourself when you're connected with us in healthy honorable ways.

The truth that it is YOU who is losing EVERYTHING, and will continue to lose more and more so long as you continue to doing what you have done.

The truth that you were the only one who ever made yourself feel replaceable or comparable.

That it was only you holding you back when you were with us.

That it was you sabetoging and running from success in all areas of your life, rather then facing and embracing your shadow and light work.

It's okay though.

I can be a tough cookie myself.

So it's fine that you've been a tough but for spirit to crack.

It will just be even more profound in each moment you come out of "drop" and see yourself..

Re-Membering who you really are..

Re-Membering who I really am..

Learning to take yourself and me off the pedestal and stop splitting..

Which actually, you lining up with someone with bpd who refused to get real help, was more perfect then I could've asked for in helping you learn that lesson...

Cuz it's very similar to RAD.

Many even think that unhealed RAD gets diagnosed as BPD or HPD in adults.

Though there are big enough diffs to acknowledge the distinction so that healing can occur.

But as far as the toxic cycles and crazy making tactics, those are all about the same no matter which of the PD's we're taking about.

And I know the more you try to "make it work" over there, the more you realize just how much work I had to put in for us to have gone on as long as we did.

Which builds more appreciation for me.

Something I already know you've built up much more of.

Esp in you looking for things to be grateful for no matter how dark things get, and things you can be proud of yourself for.

Though I think I realized more then anything, how much you appreciated the work I did, when you encouraged me to get a psychology degree.

Esp when you stopped yourself from getting reactive several moments and said very genuinely that you felt I was good at that and should pursue.

That was REAL.

And it showed me that you have been starting to see how valuable that is, and how much work gets put into being there for a partner with complex personality healing needs.

I'm sure if you haven't seen it yet, you'll also soon see another reason I never created much drama or felt the need to "interfe", was because I learned about Attachment Traumas in my effort to help you and help myself, and one of the biggest things I found is that there has NEVER EVER EVER been a successful longer-term romantic relationship between two ppl with such deep attachment traumas like you both have.

At best, it's a few years of very dramatic off and on cycles until you both blow it up enough that one or both of you seek diff attachments/relationships to have some sense of control over your lives OR one of you gets hurt bad enough to decide to really heal and realizes the only way for someone with such heavy attachment traumas to heal, is to be with someone who is much more securely attached.

Something I'm proud to say I've actually achieved in this time apart.

I'm actually gonna start talking about it on my yt channel I think.

Anyways.

Just some thoughts of the moment..

I know whatever you're doing atm, you're reflecting these thoughts in some way.

It'll be interesting to compare notes later, lol.

Dear Cabbit...funny realization..

I decided to do some dashing..

Mostly to clear my head..

And got to thinking..

I've been through hard breakups before..

So why is this one so hard?

Like, TF's or not, why is it so hard to just enjoy life and let you do your thing?

I know you're cycles.

I know your heart is with me.

I know you're holding onto the strings.

So why is it hard to just release fully?

Then I realized..

The big breakups I've been through..

I always had you to look forward to..

And I was already hurting the whole time with them...

Wanting to be with you..

Which is why this feeling isn't foreign..

I know it well..

Just not from any time I've left another..

Nor any of the times they supposedly moved on after me (I laughed to realize none of them ever really did. They see me as 'the one who got away'. Crazy huh?)

Though when with them, for me..

It was like accepting a consolation prize..

"Settling"..

Cuz I didn't feel I could be with you at the time, and was trying to move on forever.

Though I couldn't.

So I just accepted that feeling.

Let it settle in.

And when it came time for those situationships to end, I didn't feel sad.

I feel free.

I knew I could find you or that you'd come find me; like we've continuously done since the first time we met.

I was always nervous you'd be in a "taken" part of your cycle, though you only were once, and I just had to wait.

Not that I knew that at the time.

I just wished you happiness and did my best not to look too pathetic, lol.

Though now, the funny thing is..

I know you're already here.

In your heart and your mind.

It's just your ego and body that aren't here just yet.

And that's only a matter of time.

Soon you'll fulfill what I told you months ago.

That you don't have to worry about me showing up, cuz you're coming to me.

I have ideas on "when" that will be, though idk for sure.

And you're free will plays a huge part in that.

I just know it's happening.

And that's all I need to know.

It's actually a much more comforting thought than you might think.

Though it's not everything.

Which is what I'm trying to figure out now.

Just being happy as I am

With all I currently have

Knowing everything is unfolding in perfect Divine timing

Bringing things together better then either of us could ever imagine..

I'll figure it out..

Probably about the same time you find your courage again, lol

Dear Cabbit...knives...

I'm listening to an FG reading..

She just talked about a happening she heard about..

Where a man and woman got married, and when the husband went to push the cake into his new wife's face..

He forgot he still had the knife in his hand..

And got a little over competitive about getting her good with the cake..

So that when he finally felt he'd gotten her enough and pulled back..

There was blood on her white wedding dress and she said "look what you've done!"

That feels like two things...(5:11pm)

The first is what you're likely going through in the circus over there...

With the rQoS having been the masculine in this scenario, and having stabbed you with too many betrayals to the point where you're saying to her, "look what you've done!", while you emotionally bleed all over your metaphorical wedding gown...

Actually...

It feels like that's already happened several times and that this time is the last time..

Not just cuz you're genuinely tired of it..

But because the second thing that story feels like..

Is the contrast you and I just went through..

With me sending you the "regret" note and then pushing to give up ALL the way if that's your choice, and cut all strings...

Which is likely the point when you stood back and realized you were the one with the knife in your hand the whole time..

Not knowing you were so stuck in your stubborn need to "prove a point" about so many things..

That instead of proving all your points and getting to enjoy the win and ending that nonsense..

You proved my points..

And brought us back to where we were when you left...

With me in a bloody wedding gown..

Crying from being stabbed by you...

Shouting "Look what you did!"

...

Also, this marks more syncs about 'knives'..

Like the ones under your pillow..

Which were predicted long ago, as a sign of you going through a 10 of Swords time..

Which brings me to a funny feeling..

Of imagining when you are so awakened and conscious..

That you want to know 'how' I always knew things, and are in a place where you can understand the language of Spirit and see through my eyes, sort of.

I can already see the feeling of comfort and safety coming over you..

Feel you feeling so good about it all...

About knowing that I knew the whole time..

Not everything..

Though enough to have faith in the wider outcome, that I could have faith in you..

And faith in myself..

Enough to be vulnerable with you..

To give you the space to do what you needed to do...

Make the messes you needed to learn from..

Allow you to remove me from the pedestal..

To stop splitting...

And see that you love me even more as an imperfectly perfect incomparable human I am...

Cuz I'm the one that helped you learn how to love yourself and all your perfect imperfections and incompatibilities..

Helped you learn how to heal your own fear of being inadequate andor "replaceable"...

Idk..

Just rambling at this point..

I'm sure it'll make for good conversation later on...lol

Dear Cabbit...you know what you don't want...now is time to think about what you DO want...

Wow..

It's 4:11...

Just coming back to reality from a strange exp of intense vertigo...

Your sister and our nephews came over..

I was already feeling strange, but not too bad.

I wanted to socialize but felt like I just needed space to write..

So I took it..

Sat on the front porch and wrote..

Then I got up and I was fine..

Until I wasn't... Be

I felt super dizzy and weak..

And when I sat down to put my head between my legs my ears were ringing super loud and at the same time it felt like I couldn't hear anything...

Then I saw a vision of you fighting, with Lion spirit pushing you on..

Giving you the courage..

And the words...

It feels now, like you're thinking a lot about how you should've listened to me in the first place...

And all the times since the first time..

Like you've been faced with big betrayal from the rQoS...

And like you're deciding to do so now..

It also feels like you're now seeing, or soon to understand what I meant..

About how and why you want someone who wants you she doesn't neeeed you, and not someone who feels they need you andor doesn't feel they have other options...

It also feels like that Leon Bridges song "Beyond" is coming in...

The chorus "don't you think it's foolish if I don't rush in?"

And "I'm scared to death that she might be it...that the love is real...that the shoe might fit...she might just be my everything, and beyond...beyond..."

Like although you're rushing out if the circus ship over there...

That you're ready to do things right with me and the boys...

To come correct..

As the Emporer who no longer picks up the staff of the "King of Drama"...

You know what's funny?

I'm realizing in this moment, how comforted with the memories of you calling yourself that...

Of you showing me you sowed the seeds and secured the roots of your manifestation of no longer being the "King of Drama"...

It feels like the only cooperative component you're missing, is what you DO want to be...

It feels like that's what spirit is showing you..

And it's also the 360 of what we were going through last time in this cycle..

Where everyone was asking you "what do you WANT?"

And I spent countless moments and words trying to find a pithy way to explain that all you needed to do was upgrade your mindset just a little..

Take it off what you don't want..

And put it on what you DO want...

I'm sending you prayers now...

Of this clarity...

That you're seeing right now..

That you're Re-Membering our talks...

That it's calming and soothing you to think about how it really is that easy..

Just think about what you do want..

If you don't like being the "KoD" anymore, then what do you want to be now?

What's the opposite of "drama"?

As far as I can tell, the way you use that word, it seems like you use it to refer to conflict, warring, reactivity, and big emotions...

Dis ease...

Pressure...

Circusry & mischief of the toxic kind...

It feels like that's one meaning..

Like the other one, is what you see in yourself when you are in this dimension...

Avoiding accountability..

Not thinking ahead..

Letting yourself be controlled...

Being far too controlling...

Lying...

So what's the opposite of those things that you want to be and exp?

Honesty.

Honor.

Forethought.

Accountability.

Self control.

Healthy boundaries...

Freedom...4:44pm..

Trusting your Intuition..

Listening to those who want the best for you...

Listening to yourself..

To your heart...

That's Emperor energy..

The masculine who has taken in all the lessons of all four kings..

King of Cups; comfortable with his emotions and those of others; funding strength in genuine vulnerability.

King of Wands; easy communicator who holds healthy boundaries and passion for life...

King of Swords; who thinks just the right amount and speaks the truth, most especially to himself..

King of Pentacles; grounded and honorable, smart with money. He has firm roots that cannot be pulled up unless he chooses for it to be so.

They all come together along with the integrated energy of the four Queen's, to manifest within you the energy of the Emporer...

As I started calling you this time last year..

It feels like those are the things you want and are learning to see..

In your own way..

At your own pace..

With your own words..

Guided by your own grandfathers and grandmothers...

There's something comforting about thinking about all this...

And writing it down here for you to see at some future moment..

Or even now, if the cards are correct and you have been reading the whole time while using the "private browsing" tab, so I can't see that you do read them...

I'd love a timeline where that is happening..

Where you've been reading along the whole time..

Feeling good about all these words...

About the loyalty and devotion..

About the wisdom imparted..

About the safe way for you to know what's really on my mind most of the time..

For the inspiration to write yourself..

Which I just realized..

You know..

About the time you started really with the Cabbie stories..

Was when my computer corrupted and lost all the work I'd been putting into the SoU novel I'd started writing, I decided to stop writing it and start working on other things so as not to be putting so much energy into "us", cuz I saw that you were using that good energy from me, to keep feeding the circus over there...

And spirit found a thousand ways to make it clear I needed to have the faith to stop doing that, let you fight your own battles, let you see the energy you were left with when mine isn't there...

And have faith that you would never chose to stay in that...

That you would most definitely free yourself...

Which is fun, cuz that means you picked up the story writing where I left off..

Which also means you carried it at least to the point in the spiralcycle where I first started doing that...

Which was actually a product of me documenting all the enhanced intuition that came in after you left, and then having you confirm so much of what I had visions about, not even knowing that I knew it before it happened...

Also, I find it interesting that your most recent stories haven't had Bunnie in them.

Which feels appropriate.

Cuz me being Bunnie and being so removed from your 3d life, should reflect in your stories..

Anyways..

I know much of this is jumbled..

Rabbit trails and holes that likely won't make much sense on their own..

Though just as I learned to understand your rabbit trails, and was always able to remind you of where you started and what you intended to focus on, I know you have learned and are recognizing you know about me too..

And that whether you read this now or later, it'll make sense when it's meant too..

And you'll deeply appreciate it...

And find the magick in it...

Welp..

It's 5:02...

Feels like a good place to leave this post be..

And go back to my prayers for you to choose yourself..

To have the clarity to see what you really want..

And go after it..

Whether I or the boys are included in that or not...

Cuz that's what my heart really really wants..

Far more then the intense yearning for you to come love on me and let me love on you while we joyfully and gratefully raise our boys...

Is my deep yearning for you to just learn to be happy..

To love yourself..

To choose yourself..

To choose the light..

To show yourself you have the biggest "balls" of them all, and are the most honest, honorable, accountable, redeemable, and courageous man ever...

I have faith in you doing that...

Now and always..