Was just thinking about my next session with Goldenrod.
About telling him about our latest interactions, and how actually rather adorable it is that you're still confusing the difference between someone trying to control you vs someone with healthy boundaries who is control themselves and their environment, to maintain their own inner peace, self love, and sanity.
And actually, how adorable it is that I confused that for so long too.
Either way, I know that Spirit is helping you learn the differences.
And as you do, you'll realize what's really happened with us recently, and will see that the communication blocks and the boundaries & rules I communicated to you, have absolutely nothing to do with controlling you and everything to do with acceptance that not only can you not be controlled by me (which I never wanted in the first place) and that you aren't able to control yourself or have much empathy for the boys or me right now, which means it's not healthy for our inner peace, to have freeform interactions.
Most esp after your approach to "apologizing" to our oldest, followed by texting him when drunk after he just you you how much that hurts his feelings.
Our youngest is looking up videos on yt and tt today, about what it means to be "drunk" and what "alcoholic" means.
We talked a little about it this morning and will talk more about it in the days ahead.
Anyways, that's one of the many examples of why the current boundaries are best.
Not that they are "necessary"; just very logical and healthy.
It protects the boys hearts and inner peace, and mine also.
As knowing there's no communication between you and them rn, when you're at the height of your paranoia about being controlled, is calming for me.
You can't trick or lie to them.
You can't tell or show them anything going on in your life, which means I won't get hurt by anything known or unknown.
You can't send messages to me through them, like you have done.
You can't use them to distract yourself from the shituationships you've created.
You can't use them to hurt me.
I can't use them to hurt you.
They have a chance to not be "in the middle" of our fights.
You can't get hurt by anything they tell you that I'm doing or we're doing.
And so long as you aren't reaching out to me, then you and the rQoS cannot use any active interactions to create drama or hide their own bad behaviour behind; esp as time goes on, and the silence grows - which will bring the clarity that it wasn't anything I or the boys were doing, that were creating problems been you two.
Those problems already existed.
Relationships don't get problematic because of outside influences.
They get problematic because of inside influences.
The problems inside ourselves.
Ha, it's 10:42am/7 - so it's true 😜
In any case, I'm looking forward to you learning this valuable lesson.
That boundaries aren't about controlling anyone else.
They are about controlling yourself in healthy ways, to protect your relationship with yourself.
In fact, I'll take it a step further; they are about getting away from any ppl and situations where you feel any need to protect yourself or anyone else.
Cuz when we're in "protection mode", we're acting from a place of fear, negative ego, and lack.
Healthy boundaries help you get into and stay in gratitude, joy, self love, self respect, and inner peace.
Your relationship with yourself and all those energies, is the most important relationship you will ever have and always have.
It needs to come first before any outside relationships and dynamics.
Cuz until you feel worthy of inner and outer peace regardless of how others feel about that, you cannot have peaceful external relationships.
Cuz they'll forever be dictated by fears of conflict, rejection, abandonment, etc...
And those are not peaceful inner or outer states.
I've taken my time to do things right in this separation, for myself as well as us and the boys.
And I'm very happy about that.
I'm very happy to now being seeing the results of my efforts manifesting in so many ways; most esp the lack of paranoia.
About you fully abandoning the boys and me.
About you hurting yourself.
About others taking advantage of you.
About you taking advantage of me andor the boys.
About the future, past, or present.
Even if it's only right now, I'm feeling peaceful inside, and I'm capitalizing on that feeling.
Ha, it's 10:51 now, another 7! 😂
Anyways.
I could tell
By your attempts at the old silent treatment and crazy making tactics with me, and you're lament to our oldest that you can't get along with me because you believe I'm just upset cuz I can't control you and couldn't do so in our previous union;
That you're in a state of paranoia again.
Which I'm not upset about.
It actually shows me we are in the part of the spiralcycle I thought we were, not long after you left and then were a dick to me that night of the "done done" rudeness in your attempt to placate the rQoS by being unnecessarily rude to me.
After I contacted as many of your friends, our friends, and my friends, just to let you know you always had ppl you could reach out to if you wanted to.
Cuz I was afraid you were feeling like hurting yourself intentionally.
Though you were convinced I was just doing it to try to get you to let me keep the car.
Then I came up to you shop to check on you and make sure you were ok.
Cuz you're behavior and the shituationship you manifested, scared me.
I was scared for you.
I wanted to be sure you were all right.
That was it.
I remember you yelling at me.
Demanding I tell you what my intented outcome was in coming up there.
Which is when I told you I didn't have one.
That was also the day you told me I couldn't control you, which I know now was more you trying to convince yourself that you couldn't be controlled and that was all I must want, cuz that's all you've ever allowed yourself to believe anyone really wants from you.
Cuz you don't feel your worthy of others just loving you for you.
In any case.
I know now, what I didn't know back then;
That you're being like that, cuz you're unable to pretend that the shituationship with the rQoS is healthy, happy, or sustainable, you're seeing how out of control you're entire life is rn, and you're unable to hide from the fact that the lack of control you have in your own life is from your own unhealthy habits.
You're guides are making it impossible for you to hide from accountability.
11am on the dot - Karma.
Because I know now, that your paranoia and misunderstanding why I've made my boundaries and parenting rules very firm, shows me that you're going through a bunch of tower moments and "boiling points".
The last time this happened, I wasn't able to withdraw and keep myself and the kids out of the ever moving "blast zones".
This time I am.
So that's what I'm doing.
Keeping us out of the blast zones.
Cuz they are happening.
And they are going to happen no matter what I or the boys do.
And as they happen, you'll continue to attack everyone and everything around and within you.
The paranoia will heighten, most likely with emphasis because you misinterpret me being "done", as be being done with you as my DM andor being done with you being an active dad to our boys, when all I actually mean is that I'm done with the toxic games and done rescuing you.
Cuz I recognize the hero/rescuer/protector dynamic is trauma bonding, NOT love.
Something I know you now know too, and are experiencing dissonance about from reading it on many of the memes I sent you to help you get right so you can have healthy relationships with our boys and understand why they feel so hurt by your actions.
And I know that meme had a big impact on you, cuz in a healed state you wouldn't have gotten so upset at me sending that stuff to you, and the same is true if everything really was "all good" in the shituationship over there.
Cuz if it were good and healthy, then there'd be nothing to trigger you.
You'd likely have been very thankful for confirmation that it was healthy on top of feeling good.
Though because it isn't healthy and doesn't feel good at all, seeing the truth of why it isn't and that you cannot force it to suddenly feel good or be healthy; that stings.
And because you've been running from accountability, it's easier to blame me for feeling hurt by that stuff, then to accept that it hurts because you've been refusing to face it and heal it.
Anyways.
It struck me a bit to read it also.
Though it helped me see I'm ready to release the hero/victim/villain cycles in my life.
Cuz that's trauma bonding.
Not love.
Genuine love is knowing you can do this.
That you're path of healing doesn't need to look like anything I recognize, and that I don't have to observe it in order to know it's happening.
And now it's 11:11 😎
Anyways.
Now it's time for the ultimate leaps of faith.
To trust that you love me even more for calling you out, leaving you breadcrumbs to the infinite healing paths forward, and for setting and holding healthy boundaries.
Which I know is already true, cuz you said so in that note you sent from one of the last time we had couples counseling.
When you wrote that you recognize the boundaries I set, aren't just good for me.
They are good for the boys and good for you.
And because I'm so thoughtful and think ahead, they are often good for you in ways you often aren't aware of in the moment they are set and then you throw tantrums about them.
11:14 😜
You always come back to that knowledge.
And you never delete anything meaningful, and often get nostalgic about us; as shown by you even going through those notes and even more by you sending me that one.
So I know you'll lead yourself into seeing what's really happened and why, when you're free to do so and ready to do so.
And for the first time in a long time, I am comfortable with however long that takes and have complete faith in that happening.
And I tell you what; Complete Faith is far more fun and satisfying then 'Complete Control'.
Which was misunderstood anyways.
Yes, I love playing with CC in kinky ways.
Yes, I enjoy some control.
Though I've never been one who wants control by force.
I want surrender that is mutually enjoyable.
Control by force isn't genuine.
Control by fear isn't genuine.
Control from those only placating you, doesn't feel good.
Control from someone whose only doing it because they fear being alone, is hollow.
Control that isn't fun, consensual, and freely flowing is just a bunch of hollow victories.
That's why even when you tried to make it look like you were giving me control and have tried to make me feel like I was being controlling, were never acceptable to me.
Those are hollow victories.
Energies I've no desire for.
I know you don't desire them either.
Though I also know you love me more then anyone, that I'm really your "first" love; cuz all the rest were traima bonding, and that you're the man I've always known you to really be.
You just need a little time and space to see that too, and come back to you.
Where you always find me.
And our boys.
Our family.
11:22 🥰
I'm hearing a song in my head that I haven't heard in a while...
"Everybody needs a little time a part..."
"Hold me now...it's hard for me to say I'm sorry..."
"I just want you to know..."
I'm pretty sure that's "hard for me to say I'm sorry" by Chicago.
Anywho.
I'm gonna send my loving prayers up to you, have faith, and find some fun to be had.
I love you.
Always.
Forever.
Completely.
In this life time and all those that come after it, just as I have in all lifetimes that have come before it.
