I was just listening to a video of the signs that a guy is hiding and fighting his feelings for you..
Most of them were there..
Except you helping me and making excuses to talk to me..
And that brings up sadness..
Of all the ways you put tons of effort into helping others..
And not me..
Esp since you left..
It felt like if nothing else, the ex benefits package would kick in..
And you'd at least see me as the mother of your son's..
And help me based on that...
Though you've never really asked..
Not unless it had to do with trying to buy your way out of the pain you've caused...
Then the thoughts come in..
Of the times you have said to be careful while I'm out..
And offered to get things to help...like mattresses..
Though idk..
I'm torn..
I still see your text about how you don't need "my drama" when you're dealing with so much of your own, by which you mean Tina...
You've always given priority to others..
And to your drama..
And it hurt that you didn't see being there for your boys and resolving those challenges, as a "your drama", and as worthy of hashing out...
I don't want that to be "drama", but if nothing else, it should be priority...
And it feels like..
If nothing else...
After 19 years of giving myself to you..
The least you could do is not dismiss me for bs drama with karmics...
Like you did when we were together..
Ultimately sabatoging us by making sure you always had someone else's problems to keep you distressed and distracted..
So you could say I wasn't worthy of your time..
Of your effort..
I remember when you said all you wanted was the effort..
Which is when I gave more then ever..
And it still wasn't enough...
To even get that simple effort from you..
Not for very long anyways..
Idk..
Today feels like one of those days I want to find whatever custody papers needed and bring them to you.
Not to fight.
No more fighting.
Just to be done with it.
To show you that I'm done.
To show you how sad I really am.
To show you that I'm really walking away.
That it's not a game or trick.
That you're really losing me.
Not because I don't want you.
But because it feels like I've been crazy to think you've ever wanted me as anything more then a safe place to hide and think about your ex's...
Who you've made sure I could never hold a candle to..
Not cuz they're better than me..
Not cuz I'm not lovable in all the ways that are more perfect for you...
Simply because you didn't want me too...
Cuz you don't want real love..
Not to give it..
Not to recieve it..
Idk..
I'm not gonna do anything..
Other than just feel my feelings..
Write them down sometimes..
And try to keep my faith that you're actually healing..
That the only crazy thing I could ever think, is that you don't love me and aren't coming..
Idk how long I can maintain that space anymore..
Esp with the tears that have come back so regularly since I took such a big leap of faith in telling you you're not welcome until you come correct..
And then having the boys block you for my own sanity..
So I could actually hold back from you...
In ways I've been unable to do before..
Which I know needed to happen..
Cuz if I am just as crazy as you say..
And you're actually happy where you are..
And you were just leading me on for all these years..
Then I need to severe the connection..
And that starts here..
With distance..
With pulling back..
With letting myself feel the grief..
It feels like Spirit is telling me this is just so that when union comes back in...
That I won't be holding onto all this grief..
I hope that's true..
I love you..
I miss you...
I hope I made the right choices..
