Dear Cabbit...the first step is the hardest, and you've already taken it...allow the cycles to close...

My Dearest...

I know you feel like you're struggling right now...

Esp w/you still having the second scariest karmic to get out of your house...

Thankfully, you have already take many first steps - which are the hardest ones.

I know you've even taken several steps to tell her that you're done w/her.

So it feels like the next "first step", is into authenticity - into standing in your truth, and owning your bs.

Dear Cabbit....approaching full 360...

I realized something in the last few days my love...

That this 360 energy, that kicked off when you got storage #360...cuz you were afraid to end up where you were when I met you...

Well....when you got it, you sent up a rocket that started manifesting everything you went through w/the ex wife....like literally everything...

And not even just when we met...

Dear Cabbit...the coming Towers of the Lionsgate Portal...time to free yourself...

Oh honey...
This energy is so funny...
As you can see from previous posts, I'm feeling it too...
Old issues resurfacing...
New issues appearing...

There's a lot going on..
And there's some big stuff to come...
Especially as the 8/8/2020 Lionsgate Portal approaches...

Dear Cabbit...the Reggae Concert...and the 360...

I think I finally understood something a few minutes ago...
I was thinking about the Reggae Concert you said you wanted to go to a summer or so ago...
Where you didn't want me to go...and fought really hard to get me to not want to go and not want to figure out why you didn't want me to go...
It dawned on me...
That you have acted the same way w/me and all the hiding of things...
As you did when we first moved into the apartments, and your first ex and CT were having an affair, and asked you not to tell me, cuz you worried I would tell your friends girlfriend and daughters mom...
And the same way you acted a few weekends ago...
When you tried to suggest to me you should bring the kids home early cuz you were going to your sisters and a certain friend was going w/you, and you didn't know how late you would be...
Which I saw right through, and called your bluff by telling you that you could have them out as late as you liked, and then not asking for any details about what was going on...
Then when you dropped them off, you were drunk as a skunk and admitted that you'd also had your ex-wife over doing things w/that particular friend.

Dear Cabbit...interesting syncs today...

This morning I woke up nearly exactly at 5am.
I saw from the msgr thing, that you'd be online at 2am...
Somehow I knew from that...that you'd been in some conflict w/at least one of the "Roommates"...
It's funny...my good friend and I have been calling them that now too - "the roommates".
Not even "your roommates" or "his roommates".
Just "the" roommates.
Getting further towards detachment to them in any of our lives in thought and word...

Anyways...
When I woke up, I kept hearing "Beyond" by Leon Bridges...
The part where he says, "Do you think it's foolish if I don't rush in?"
and "I'm scared to death that she might be it...that the shoe might fit...will she have my kids? Will she be my wife?"

Dear Cabbit...the emotional complexity with filing for child support...

It's funny...
It was 3 days ago, when I was talking to a friend about my plans to move the boys and I out.
I made a joke about how that was likely only going to happen when I could force myself to file child support.
That became curious and asked me why I didn't want to file for it.
Which started off a cascade of thoughts that are still going in and out of my mind.

One of my first thoughts, was about how interesting it is, that just about everybody I know, would've already filed when the fighting began and been all too happy to have been getting their cut and using it to do things their way with the kids.
Not me though...
I thought about it during that week it was time for you to leave.

Dear Cabbit...the reason I'm not in a rush nor worried...

You know...
Since you left...
I've thought a fair amount about that first time we went out to a bar together...
After my 21st bday...when you took me out w/your earliest ex...and she was dancing all over your lap while I was over playing pool...watching...and hurting cuz that didn't feel like something I was welcome to do w/you...and feeling disrespected...not so much by her...but by your lack of desire to tell her that wasn't nice to do to you, when she knows you're taken.
Especially considering that she was only doing it to make her boy toy of the moment jealous; meaning she was using all of us, to create drama for her own entertainment.

There are still many things I don't fully understand about that day.
Though there's something that came out of it then, that I'm finding myself w/an upgraded understanding of - which is the attitude I attempted to practice that night; not worrying about it, cuz I knew you were going home w/me at the end of the night, and going to keep coming home to me all the nights after that.

I remember when you gave me a shy and ambiguous acknowledgement that your "friend" was all over you at the bar while I watched...and I quickly told you it was fine, cuz I knew who you were going home with.

Dear Cabbit...Parenting is a lot of arguing w/our inner children...

Today I have to admit...
I was a lazy no fun mom...
I stayed up late last night - got up late this afternoon..
Not just cuz I couldn't fall asleep until after the sun started to rise...
Also cuz I had many dreams coming in about you...many of which were you arguing w/them...talking about coming back to me...telling me things you've been holding in that you're upset about still...and telling me in that sexy emperors assertive voice, the kinds of things you want, don't want, will accept, won't put up with, and will put into the relationship...
I also kept hearing the song "Best of You" by Andy Grammar, playing while this was happening...

Anyways...back to where I started...
So...I got up, and I fell into my old habit...of getting into my writing first thing, and then getting into a groove right about the time I had told the kids I'd be ready to leave for the park the day before...
I really should've just thrown them in first thing and gone..

Dear Cabbit...something feels...changed...

I have so many thoughts floating through my mind...
Like a flock of purple ducks...more like purple swans...floating in sync w/each other, and yet totally not doing the same things at all...

I've tried to post about several of these thoughts...
Though I think for today...keeping my commitment to myself, to become more consistent...is what I'm going to prioritize...

So for the sake of that consistency, I'm simply going to answer what feels like a few of the questions you're telepathically sending me...and say that I can feel you growing...and it's beautiful...I know you're so close...and are going to see that what has felt like "small steps" this whole time, has actually been the imperfectly perfect sized steps to get you to the next few big steps you're about to take...

So...
It feels like you've been asking me, "Do you still even want me?"
Yes. Silly.

Dear Cabbit...something has changed in the air...

My psychic senses can only take me so far...
So I'm not 100% sure if what I'm sensing is what's happening or not...
Though I'm definitely feeling some big things happening...
And weirdly...
It feels like the readings being shown to me...
Have been changing in a very interesting way...
The stories the readers connect w/and tell...
Seem to be matching the story of us...
From when we first met...
Where the karmic was your ex wife...
Rather than anyone in the circus...

Then the readings switch around...

Dear Cabbit...when our youngest realized when you weren't coming home for a long time...

You know...
I was thinking about this blog yesterday.
When I decided to write it, I had intended for it to be more of a place to talk about the day to day stuff, among the emotional stuff. Though it's moreso become a place to put my feelings and intuitions about what's going on w/our story.
Though I think that's going to evolve more today.

Especially after the convo I had in the car w/our youngest.

He'd been begging me since yesterday, to take him to the dollar store to get swimming goggles and then to the park to swim. I told him we would definitely go today.
It was late when I finally was ready to take him.
We left to go to the dollar store first, and I decided to put on the radio.
I had to laugh at several of the songs that came on.
"Maybe I'm amazed" by Paul McCarney...
"I wanna dance w/somebody" by Whitney Houston...
And then...of course...

Dear Cabbit...What the heart wants...smoking cigarettes....

Dearest Cabbit...
I've been thinking about the song you sent me the other day....
Smoking Cigarettes at night....
Wondering where you been...
Can't really cope w/this...
Waiting for us to come together again...
Wrapped up in thoughts of our first kiss...

I realized something funny about that song...
Which is very fitting since spirit showed it to you and you sent it to me before you even listened to it through all the way, just cuz of the title of it...and our funny history...
I realized that all the things she sings about, are not just how I'm feeling...
They're how you're feeling...
Thinking about me...
Feeling like you want to be back together already...
To stop playing this game of separation...

Dear Cabbit...writing but not publishing...

I have so many mostly completed posts I've been writing to you over the past couple of weeks.

Though either they got into things I didn't feel brave enough to leave on the internet, or no longer felt right to continue writing.

Funny enough, just the consistency of writing to you regularly, even w/o you consciously recognizing I'm doing it, feels more important than anything I actually write in here.

Funny, huh?

Anyways my Cabbit...
I see you.

Dear Cabbit...I've been writing this blog for 5 months...crazy eh?

Dear Cabbit...
I find myself feeling both exausted and restless right now...
I think I'm starting to really discern the difference between you're anxiety about me not reaching out...
And my own anxiety about not reaching out to you...
It's an interesting feeling...
Especially after being so used to talking to you nearly every day for 15 years...
This blog has helped some...
As absurd as it is...
Though I do admit...
In many ways, it sucks looking at the views and seeing none there...
Meaning you haven't remembered it's here yet...
I know you will at some point...
And when I was rolling through the posts I've made...
I had two funny thoughts...

Dear Cabbit...Embracing the Absurd...feeling ready to be ready...

It feels absurd...
Especially w/so little tangible evidence...
But I feel like you're coming back soon...
Very quickly in fact...
And not superficially...
Genuinely...
Appreciatively...
Gratefully...
In the right way...
Making things up to our kids first...
Then making sure you show me what I mean to you...
And always have...

Wich as I said...I looked up and noticed the most adorable tiny little bunnie...chewing on a cherry tree leaf in the driveway in front of me...rabbits are one of your primary totems...Cabbit...
Whenever I see them...I always think of you...
Or find I'm already thinking of you...

Anyways...
Regardless of whether it's absurd or not...
Or if there's more hurt along the way or not...
I feel confident, calm, and content...in just feeling settled about waiting for you.
In having faith in you.
And in us.