I realized something in the last few days my love...
That this 360 energy, that kicked off when you got storage #360...cuz you were afraid to end up where you were when I met you...
Well....when you got it, you sent up a rocket that started manifesting everything you went through w/the ex wife....like literally everything...
You went back before that...
Before you met her....to how and who you were before then...
To those who'd hurt you before her...
Including the karmics you've just ended the roommate situationships with...
To the scared little boy...trying to be cocky and macho....who hurt several ppl himself, in attempt to not be left weak and vulnerable...to being hurt the way he was by his parents...and other important ppl in his life..
To the kid who felt left out of almost everything...
Who was both the black sheep and the golden child of the family...
Who was isolated and made to be afraid of the world...
Taught to choose great pain to avoid potential pain...
Back to your original mother and father wounds...
Cuz you really did mean it when you intended to heal....and become the man I see in you...
And even w/o knowing you were doing that....when you set your dance intention to "focus"...you amplified that....your calls to the universe to help you feel whole...to be able to give and recieve love w/your whole heart....
To be able to release the ex's....
To feel like a whole man...
Not a bum.
Not a liar.
Not a cheater.
Or a doormat...
And least of all a coward...
I know all our fights really sucked over the years...
Especially as...I really cut you deep...w/the pain I felt from allowing myself to feel second fiddle to the ppl who've hurt you and ensured they kept the wounds open and oozing the whole time, so we could never truly connect....
Cuz they knew just how to keep you trapped in survival mode...
Like you had to be when you were a kid....
And when you were more directly, legally, and romantically entangled w/them....
My dearest cabbit...
I'm so absolutely proud of you...
I know you don't see it...
And that there's even been times I've had trouble seeing it...
But more than ever....now...
I see that you have been doing what you've been doing, to heal yourself genuinely.
To discover what your truths are...and to stand in them...
That you've been learning how to be decisive and assertive and responsive...
That you've been learning to trust your intuition, and connect w/spirit...
That you've been learning to give yourself grace...
And permission to change your mind...
And to love yourself...
To choose yourself..
And to release everyone you've been holding onto whose hurt you, as if holding onto them was going to somehow save you if you ended up alone, cold, abandoned, and broke again...
Which I know you're now seeing is nuts....cuz they were the reason you ended up in those places....and they are proving to you even now...in this moment...while I know you're wrapped up in the drama and chaos w/them, when you could be in bed...texting w/me....
Though I know you need that struggle...
Those fights...
These moments apart...
Like the butterfly...and ladybug...
Needs the struggle out of his cocoon in order to be able to fly...
Like how newborns need to struggling through the birth canal...
And like how seeds...must first be buried in the dark...then allow themselves to be cracked open...to let the life inside them reach up towards the light and struggle until it burst free from the darkness...and is fed from the light and the oxygen and the rain and the wind and allthethings....
Which is why I've not been "helping".
Even when I see that you've given me so many "ins" to do so...
Even asking me to create drama w/you...
Having my car over there...
Parking in front of your house...
Knocking on your door to see what happens w/the violent karmic...
Revealing secrets to me about the karmics, that I bet you figured I was going to immediately tell everyone...
Even possibly you telling me about freeing yourself...
I know that what you've been used to, has been drama, chaos, pain, deception, and anything except genuine love, appreciation, friendship, affection, and such...
And that in your mind, being rescued, meant me using my magick and intelligence to free you from the situationships you've been in...like I used to do...
Though I haven't done that...
And have intentionally pulled myself out of the drama...
Politely turning down any opps to be in it...
Not asking for details about whats going on...
Not trying to provoke you into anything...
And even learning to become such a calm and kind person, esp w/you, that even when you're totally reactive w/me - accusing me of preparing to do things to you like the ex's have...that I am just calm...good humored...reassuring...and unconditionally loving...
Which is an amusing place to be in, esp when you get mad at me for being that way.
Trying to convince yourself that I'm so moral and so powerful, that my lack of fighting w/you or creating drama in your life, indicates a lack of desire for you, or like I'm sitting there judging you.
You can be such a silly cabbit..
You know?
Which is just fine.
I've always found you adorable for that and many other of your "flaws"...
And I know some things now...
That I honestly wouldn't have learned if not for how things have gone so far.
Including how to have what I pretended to have before - unshakeable confidence and unfuckwithable faith - in us, in spirit, and in you.
Enough that even you cannot convince me otherwise.
Enough that even at your worst...when you are so mad at the world...
When I can sense that you want to tell me to stop being so damn likable and healing and kind...
That you can't...
Or rather...you won't...
Cuz you've realized...
That's one of the things you love about me...
That you love about loving me...
Proving I am right....again, lol
That having this kind of faith, confidence, and the ability to embrace absurdities...
Is enough.
That love is enough.
That so long as I keep healing myself...
Keep doing what I know is honorable and kind and authentic and aligned...
That you'll keep following the light..
That you'll continue following my lead...
Especially as I continue you to show you, that contrary to what you thought...
And even what I thought...when I let myself drop into dark energy to be able to push you away...
When I realized the ex wife and others still had a strong hold on you....that prevented you from allowing yourself to be whole w/me...
Contrary to that...
I am Whole...
I am Happy.
I am Abundant.
And I am SMILING.
And not inspite of you.
Because of YOU.
Because you've provided me w/so much contrast and reflection...
And so many opportunities to face myself...
To choose who I want to be in each moment...
To choose love and kindness and integrity...
And to choose you...
Over and over and over again...
Which I can genuinely say I would do everytime, not even to "win" you...
Just to show you how worthy of being chosen over and over again, that you are.
Yes, even at your worst.
Even when you don't deserve it.
And the great thing is...
Unlike before...
You've helped me to enjoy the fun in knowing it's my choice.
That I'm never stuck.
That I can choose a new path any time I like, and succeed on it.
And that I don't "need" anyone else to help me or support me or tell me they have faith in me and that everythings gonna work out.
Cuz I can tell myself that.
And believe it.
Even if everyone else is telling me I'm wrong.
Even if all the "reality" says I've no evidence I'm right.
You've worked w/spirit to help me learn how to manifest...
How to make magick - w/integrity and kindness.
And how to be "free" in all situations...
Cuz I have a relationship w/myself and my higher powers...
That matters so much more than anything the 3d world can offer...
And have confirmed for myself over and over again, is not only more fun to have...
It's far more effective than any of the shame and trauma cycle tactics the world has fallen into using to "motivate" ppl, and use to protect themselves from pain...
I know those are things you're learning how to do too.
I knew on many levels in the blue house, that you needed to..
Esp while I was studying manifestation and magick...
And going to the dances...
I knew you could've easily just flown up w/me...
And that when you didn't...it was mostly cuz you didn't believe in yourself...
And that kept you from truly being open...
Not just to me...
But to Love itself...
And to spirit...
And magick...
And all the most meaningful things in the world...
And I knew when you stopped playing music so much...
And all that would come out was meloncholy "elevator music"...
Beautiful...and yet still not "you"...not fully...
That we were coming into a time of trouble...so to speak...
A time of contrast...that would mean many shake ups...
And since that would mean not being able to buy the blue house...
I gave it up...
And I allowed myself to sink in vibration w/you...
Until we ended up at my parents...
Had that first big break...
Which immediately called in the vultures from every shadowy corner...
So called "Friends"...all the ex's...
New girls wanting you to do acts of service for them....
And you...
Still being scared to join me...
To be fully open to me...
To trust yourself...
Especially w/me....
Which lead you even further into that "one foot out, one foot on a banana peel" place you'd been in...
That instead of leaning into our relationship when I needed you to be my teammate for the harder stuff..
You leaned out of it...towards the praise and approval of ppl whose only intentions were to use you...
Either to get a leg up themselves...or just to entertain themselves in the delight of your suffering...
I think counseling did help in many ways...
Not that our "doctor" necessarily did...
Just that he was at least aware enough to help me call you on your shit.
To help you see what was actually happening...
So that NOW...
While you're out there in the colder shadows of the world...
You can think of the warmth we've shared...
That I'm still freely giving to you...
And see how going through that was important...
Not to make you feel bad about yourself...
To help you see how good you are.
To help you gain the tools needed to release your boogiemen...
To help you stand up for yourself....
And learn to develop an unshakeable faith and trust in yourself...
So you're no longer afraid of being fooled...
Or fooling yourself...
And so you can know...
W/o a doubt...
That if those worst case disaster scenarios your anxiety likes to replay...
Ever really did come true...
That you would be just fine.
That you can thrive in any situation.
So long as you're not leaving yourself entangled and obligated to toxic ppl...
Energy vamps..narcissists...users...gold diggers...con artists...
And ppl who feel they get more reward staying in the dark where they openly admit they feel completely miserable in...
Ppl who only want you...
So they don't feel so alone in being miserable...
Cuz once you love yourself enough to see how much brighter life is when you're not being drug down...
When you're not attaching your self worth to ppl who have none themselves....
It's like when you first started taking vitamin d...
Remember?
When you said it suddenly seemed like the whole world had COLOR...
As if you'd only be seeing things in grey tones your whole life...
That's the best way I can think to describe it...
Once you let go of those ppl...
And you choose to face your shadows...
Suddenly they start lifting away easily...
And like magick...the world is full of color...and joy...and safety...
And you suddenly see how you've been walking around w/absurdity glasses on...
That made you believe the world was a colorless, painful place...
And that was all it was ever going to be....
I smile a lot lately...
Especially since you revealed you had learned you really did need this time to release ex's...
And granted me the opportunity to say "I know"....
And to admit it was the hardest thing in my life, to see you needed that and let you go...
Not just cuz I was scared of being on my own....
I was scared to let you go out on your own...
Full well knowing the vultures and rats in your life, would descend the minute you ran...
The minute you let yourself free fall...
That was hard....
Though I knew when you started drinking...
And staying out all night w/o telling me or getting back to me...
When you started breaking every rule...
As if you were daring me to just finally drop the axe....
That there was nothing more I could do for you inside of a relationship...
At least not until you'd had some time to individuate...
To free yourself from the toxic ties and links you'd had since before you even moved out of your mamas house...
And I had time to regroup...recharge...
To get into alignment w/my heart and dreams and energy again...
And figure out what my own bs has been - so I could face it too...
I am so grateful for these moments...
When what I was so scare off, would equal the end of us...
That I pushed myself into taking the leap of faith with...
Has actually created the best new beginnings for us...
Than either of us could've expected...
And the funny thing is...
As much as I'm excited and would love to rush in and grab you...and kiss you...and tell you I'm never letting go ever again....
I'm actually enjoying allowing things to unfold, and am happy not rushing.
Even if you told me right now, that your house is free from karmics...
That you're totally ready and wanting me there right away...
I might tell you that I'm just going to think about it.
Mostly just to be the adorable brat you love....
Though also cuz, I have something I didn't have before...
An open awareness, acceptance, and love for our 5d connection.
I also have faith and confidence in our love, and I know w/o a shadow of a doubt, that you will do anything for me and our boys...and that no matter how much time you try to pretend you don't care, can't do it, don't know what you want, andor too "busy" or wrapped up in other things....that you're just healing and releasing and purging and protecting us - while you make your way back.
A whole and healed man.
Someone you've never felt like before...
Which I know you've been started to notice.
A man who feels a lot like the old you, but isn't the same...
Who is very aligned w/who I've reminded you that you are...
Yet who is so healed and whole, he could decide to be anyone...
Which is almost more intimidating than if you only had one or two options of who you could be..
I know you're scared...
Of new things...which is funny...
That you're no longer scared you'll continue to be who you were...
Nor that you'll disappoint me in the ways you have in the past...
I know that you're more scared, that you might turn out to be someone so different and unexpected in your divine path, that you might disappoint me all over again - just by not being the man I know you are...the man you're still not quite convinced you are....
Thankfully...
I have so much faith in you..
And enough confirmation from spirit and you...
That I'm correct, and that I know you on a level that cannot be accurately described...
That my faith in affirmed in knowing that all I need to do to "help"....
Is to glow up myself...to keep reaching out...
To send you my smiles and roses and funny postessess...
And to be your best friend.
Which is a total win for me - and what I was missing from our relationship...
Your friendship...that's what I was upset that we didn't have....
And now that I have that...
I mean...I'm totally wanting to be romantic and physical w/you...
I am over the moon about getting to be your best friend.
Which I know is still rocky right now...
Cuz the karmics aren't mature enough to allow that; which is kind of amusing really.
That they're literally threatened more by me than any of the other ex's...or all the potential ppl that could clog up their system and enlighten you to how they're scamming you...
Which shows that they're not afraid of other bullies and scammers and philanderers...
They're threatened by genuine kindness and transparency and love and loyalty.
Isn't that funny?
I am both the biggest and the least threat to them.
I am no threat, cuz I value respect and consent, and won't interfere cuz I want you to want to come back to me b/c you love sharing your life w/me...
Not cuz you feel obligated to, or like you can't live w/o me, or cuz you fear what I'll do it you don't...
And yet...that's exactly what makes me a threat...
That...
And that fact that I am so clearly not threatened by them, lol
That I'm so undisturbed by them, that I still tell you I love you.
I still reach out to you as a friend.
That I intentionally avoid getting into the drama they incite.
That I don't respond to their "likes" or messages or calls.
That I don't get upset about the crap they do on their social media to attempt to upset us, and act like they've got the whole world in their hands plus you.
Which is funny, cuz I only know they're doing that - cuz others from your circle come and tell me about it. I wouldn't know otherwise, cuz I blocked the karmics some time ago.
Mostly to keep myself from feeling called to see what they were up...
Though also cuz I love practicing having faith in YOU.
An unshakeable faith that now and in all future moments, you'll see what they're doing.
That even if they reel you back in for a moment...or drag you into the deep...
You'll see the light and resurface and come find me again...
It feels so good to think THAT way.
Instead of what I used to do - which was to fear they'd drag you under and you'd never recover.
Which triggered my need to protect and try to control you.
To keep you from that trouble in the first place..
And also what held you in that place.
In victim space.
I love now getting to be a part of helping you find your way out of that wet paper bag...
Just in working to genuinely practice healthy thinking...
And manifesting....
And mindfulness...
And being Love.
And being Grateful.
And not just for you, but for karmics too..
Who I now look at and appreciate - cuz all the times they've been involved and might ever be involved again, are signs that healing and fun and renewal are coming.
And that all I ever need to do when I get worried, is remind myself that if you don't know what you're doing, you will figure it out - esp w/my right next to you, reminding you of that every day.
And being an example of what I preach...
It's also a bonus, knowing I've been such a threat to them, that not only do they spy on and lurk my stuff, and intentionally try to intimidate me...that by blocking them, it drives them a little nuts...
Cuz what could I be hiding?
What might we be doing that I'm hiding?
What don't I want them to see?
Does blocking them mean they "won"?
And did I do it on purpose just to bug them?
Additionally, over 100 readings I've felt called to listen to, along w/behaviors I've seen from them, heard from you, or been told about by others - shows they've been trying to imitate me.
Either to try to confuse and control and keep you...
Or to try to glow up like me, and get the genuine support and adoration I do.
And if that's true - then it is just a 'lil' delicious to know the only way they can imitate me, get info from me, andor try to connect w/me, is either going to help me make money in views of my articles and vids - like it did before w/the ex wife...
Or it's going to require them to out themselves quiet directly.
I also know, that my love for compelling villains in every story could be getting the better of me.
So if all of that is nonsense, I'm totally okay with that.
Cuz the point of blocking them, was for my peace of mind, my growing up, and allowing spirit to show me how to allow them to exit the story of us from here on out - by no longer thinking about them much, if at all.
Something I know you're learning to do also.
I luff watching you learn...and heal...
Esp those adorable moments when you're proud of yourself...
When the emotional aroma is musk and chicken nuggets and vanilla honey....
Uhg...
Lately my thoughts have been all over...
This post surely shows that, I'm positive of that...
Though strangely...
I know it's better to share it...as is...
And that somehow...the absurdity of it...
Along w/all the other things I've been writing to you...
Will somehow be the imperfectly perfect thing you needed to read at the time you do...
So I'm gonna keep doing it...
Though for now, I have a few things I need to do..
So I'm end this post here...my dear...
And spend the while thinking about how fun it's going to be...
When you come to me...
Ready for a REAL hug...
Long and deep...
The kind where we feel like we're the only two ppl in the world...
And are both enchanted by how divine that feels....
sigh...
You're such a brat for making me wait...lol
But I love it...
And I love you...
And that's why I am always, forever, and completely yours...
~ Empress ~
