Dearest Cabbit...
I've been thinking about the song you sent me the other day....
Smoking Cigarettes at night....
Wondering where you been...
Can't really cope w/this...
Waiting for us to come together again...
Wrapped up in thoughts of our first kiss...
I realized something funny about that song...
Which is very fitting since spirit showed it to you and you sent it to me before you even listened to it through all the way, just cuz of the title of it...and our funny history...
I realized that all the things she sings about, are not just how I'm feeling...
They're how you're feeling...
Thinking about me...
Feeling like you want to be back together already...
To stop playing this game of separation...
Thinking about how we met...
What all our years together have meant...
And having so much trouble coping w/all of the things we've been through...
Especially while being apart...
The longest we've ever been apart for...in 15 years...
Crazy...
I know it's just as hard for you as it has been for me.
And your reaction to that song confirms it.
That you know how hard it is for me...
And that it's been so hard for you too...
Especially when you apologized if that song triggered me...
And then apologized for all the times you've triggered me and didn't know you were...
Something that spoke a thousand more words to me...that you recognized from something I said to you recently...I think it was admitting to you that I do have the thoughts and feelings you accuse me off...I just don't act on them...or ask for them...
Something w/in that 180...of me bringing you that note on my phone...
Telling you I do share those icky feelings you feel too...
That I just put them in a different place...the pain...so I can feel like a good person...
It feels like something in that, told you how much I really do love you...
How much you really have hurt me over the years...
How much you've hurt yourself...especially recently...
And it caused you to examine your own triggers...
And to see my own w/in your own...
And recognize how insensitive you've been...
Maybe that was it...
When I told you that I do have those thoughts...
Of course I want to know everything...
Of course I think you should dump your karmic to be there for your kids.
Of course I'm pissed that you're putting any relationship above our kids.
Of course I want to demand all sorts of things from you - mostly whats deserved and earn, but some that I just want.
Which is very similar to how your ex's have acted towards you.
Which I admitted that I think and feel too.
Though I don't just act on them.
And I don't usually ask for them to be met.
Cuz I stop and ask myself, "Is this aligned w/who I want to be?"
and "Does this align w/my values?"
and "Is it fair and empathetic to you?"
You looked down and whispered..."No empathy...", after I said that...
I've been thinking about that moment a lot...
And how you have been far more empathetic since then..
It feels like by taking that leap of faith to confirm you're not crazy - that you were picking up on how I really feel...you just weren't recognizing I wasn't asking for those things I really want...
And confirming to you, that you do feel me...know me...and are so magickally connected to me...
Something in that unlocked something in you...
And felt like it started to heal things...
Like all the times in the past, that you were so sure I was demanding what your ex's did...
Yet the words I used were not asking for that stuff...
Like when I asked how you'd feel about giving me your passwords...
Or when I asked about your intentions for your connections w/toxic ex's in your life...
Yes... of course I wanted you to just stop talking to them all...
And to reveal all of yourself to me...
Though just like now, w/the topics we've been discussing...
I may want those things...though I know many of them are not fair...
Which is a huge diff between me and anyone else you've ever been with...
I think you've started recognizing this...
And it's made a profound diff...
And that you've also started doing what I'm doing...
Asking if what you're doing is aligned w/who you want to be...w/your values...
And if it's fair and empathetic to me...to others...
And making your triggers your own responsibility in healthy ways...
Feels like something in these recent moments...
Has helped unlock your throat chakra...and your heart chakra...
I look forward to seeing how you continue to unfold...
Esp after you admitted you see that you're missing out on the boys growing up...
While you're just sitting there...wrapped up in your head...
And the drama of ppl you really have no business being wrapped up in anyways, lol...
It's funny...
Cuz as much of a trigger as it was...
To read you say, "you can't help what the heart wants...right?"
It also tells me that you're back in the energy of trying to convince yourself of reasons to stay in a relationship and living situation that makes you miserable...
And looking for reasons to not come back to me...which I know you feel so called to do...
So I turned that trigger...into my strength...
Having faith that soon...you'll be telling other people that...
When you come back to me...
That your heart wants to be w/your family...w/me...
And that will feel so fulfilling...
Anyways.
My laptop battery is dying and our youngest wants to play.
So until later my Cabbit...
Forever, always, and completely yours...
~Empress~
