Today I have to admit...
I was a lazy no fun mom...
I stayed up late last night - got up late this afternoon..
Not just cuz I couldn't fall asleep until after the sun started to rise...
Also cuz I had many dreams coming in about you...many of which were you arguing w/them...talking about coming back to me...telling me things you've been holding in that you're upset about still...and telling me in that sexy emperors assertive voice, the kinds of things you want, don't want, will accept, won't put up with, and will put into the relationship...
I also kept hearing the song "Best of You" by Andy Grammar, playing while this was happening...
Anyways...back to where I started...
So...I got up, and I fell into my old habit...of getting into my writing first thing, and then getting into a groove right about the time I had told the kids I'd be ready to leave for the park the day before...
I really should've just thrown them in first thing and gone..
Though I reasoned that I was tired, and the kids were comfy and it wasn't going to hurt anyone.
Which ended up resulting in us not getting to the park until almost 6pm.
I had planned yesterday, to actually go swimming w/the kids today.
Though I felt my inner child just being like "But I don't wanna!"
I've been feeling this really great energy about me...much to do w/stuff about you and me...
And the writing has been flowing...as have the vids...
I wanted to stay and ride that...
Just let it flow...
Especially as my flow mojo hasn't been flowing for a long time...
Well before the separation...
So when I finally ran out of things for the kids to prep for me for the ride,
I got the park, plopped down my Julie chair, openned my laptop and enjoy chatting w/the J's.
I didn't get in the water at all...
I had our oldest go do some water stuff w/the youngest...
I got them both to play in the sand...
And I told our youngest I'm working up to being more playful...
That I acknowledge that I was being an unfun mom...
Who was using "maybe's" as "no's" and "not likelies"...
And hurting feelings...
Sometimes it sucks to be enlightened, you know?
Like...I can't be mad at our youngest for asking me again and again to come play in the water and sand, and then acting sad and crabby when I would say not yet a bunch...and then when it was dark and almost time to go - saying, "No. Now it's too cold."
And I can't be mad at our oldest for only halfassing his time in the water and on the beach...
Cuz look at what I was doing...
See what I mean?
They're behavior is a direct result of mine...
And in alignment w/my own vibration...a reflection of it...
Which means that any time they're acting in a way that rubs me the wrong way...
Or makes me have to put in effort I don't want to...
That's b/c I need to evolve something I'm doing...
To take a strong look at myself, before demanding they pay the consequences...
It's like w/our youngest and the not showering and not changing...
It was easy for him to fall into and dev that habit...cuz they were my habits...
Just like when he has bed wetting problems at your house, it's about what's going on w/you and the other adults in the house, more than anything else.
Or when our oldest gets snarky w/you there, it's b/c that's the way you and others there talk to him...
And even when you're not talking to him like that, in your mind you're thinking about things in a sarcastic way.
Which works the same in reverse.
When you're saying and thinking kind things to them, they respond in kind; kindly.
When you feel calm and safe - they feel calm and safe.
When you practice healthy habits - esp of the bladder - then so do they.
It's really simple logic really.
Which is why it feels so funny in the moments when we don't want to behave ourselves...
Then get annoyed when the kids are reflecting that and acting out...
Today was one of those days that I looked out at my boys...
Both w/so many opps around them for having fun...using their imaginations...
And not feeling happy w/any of it...both wanting the very things they didn't have control over...
Both sort of dragging their feet in protest to me asking them to have lots of fun, while I sat back in my chair, thinking about what I want and don't have...and the things I cannot control...
And I said to myself, as the sun finally went down and our youngest looked so sad that I was definitely not going into the water today...
That I need to get off my butt and change this habit...
Or rather...not let myself fall back into that old habit...
Cuz you and I both know, that's nothing new for me...unfortunately...
So I looked at our youngest, and I said "Hey. How about we start coming right to the park when we get up? Then I can do my work early, and by the time it's warm out, I can go in the water, and we can come back home in the warm afternoon all cooled off from being in the water. How's that sound?"
I wish you could've seen his face.
It lit up so much.
And that part of me that felt like a toddler who needs a nap and a spanking...
Felt a little less demanding and in control..
It felt like my inner being...
My Empress side of me...
Regained the reigns again...
I admit..
Even getting back to the yellow house...
Even up to this midnight moment...
I am still back and forth between my "I dun wanna" self...
And the "I want to be a GREAT mom, and want the memories more than the money"...
More importantly, I want the kids to have those great memories..
Especially now, when they really don't even understand money.
Add more emphasis on that, cuz I feel in many ways, like I'm compensating for the ways you're still missing, have been missing for a long time, and will be MIA for a little while longer...
Like trying to keep rowing the boat until you get back w/the other ore, that you've been chasing upstream for a little while, lol.
When you are back...
I want it to have felt for our boys...
Like although they missed you a lot...
They didn't really miss out on anything else...
That they had fun...that WE had fun...
That we learned a lot...tried new things...
And that I had a reason to send you some of our memories in the making as often as possible...
As you did say I can always send you stuff about the kids as often as I like...
Not to mention...while I do want you to miss us and want to join us...
I don't want you to miss out on everything...
I want you to feel like you're being included in everything...
Like even though you've had to be more distant...you've been a part of things...
And now that I think about it...
I do hope that in a way...
Sending you the pics and stories of whats going on...
I hope in some way...will reveal to you that in so many ways...
You're not any more unavailable now...than you have been since we got the apartment...
I remember how much of a fight you put up...when I simply asked if you'd stop working on your days off...so I could have a little time w/you...and plan things...and we could take our oldest to do things...
And then how much of a fight it was to get you to take your yearly vacation...
I even create a yearly ritual, where you'd do it for your bday week and I'd spoil you the whole time...
Even w/that, you still seemed unhappy at the income loss...
Ironically, while you weren't even paying towards or saving towards what would've gotten us the house and land of our dreams, and removed what you said were the "obstacles" to you being 100% "in" our relationship...rather than one foot in, one foot on a banana peel....
A lot of this was the dynamic...
Until I embraced my own darkside...
And got out of your way...
Letting you actually do nearly everything for the kids...
And no longer borrowing or working to get the money to cover the utilities and various things...
Wow...I just had a strong visual...
About the times when you've said you got hit by "unexpected housing expenses"...
I just realized that...even though I no longer need it...is validation that I was the one really covering all the "house stuff", and a number of things you never really had to deal with, cuz I never forced you to pay the community bills, and codependently begged and borrowed money from others to make sure we were covered when "unexpected" expenses came up.
Which is why I kept trying to get you to learn about better budgeting with me.
So we didn't have so many emergencies and unexpected expenses...
And so we could get a house w/land all our own...
And be able to have everything we wanted, for way less than it usually costs - so we'd have money for the extra things that are just for fun...like your garage and studio urinals...and the quad pit space for the kids...and weird messy art space she-shed in the back for me....lol
Anyways...
Thankyou for that purple duck/spirit cookie...
That's an interesting thing to see...
I have a feeling you'll confirm for me, that you've realized how much I did that you never had to deal with, that I dealt w/on my own, often while you were popping holes in our ship that I also had to deal with - all while feeling hurt by the simple lack of effort and reciprocity of something as simple as emotional exclusivity and vulnerability...
Much like you've been doing for the "roommates" and their kids.
It's hard to do, isn't it?
Exhausting...
Distressing...
Unfair...
and truly a "thankless job" unless you thank yourself.
I'm sorry that you're having to experience that.
It's not something I'd wish on you, anymore than I'd wish it on myself.
There's nothing to "delight in" about that, and certainly no benefit from any "I told you so's".
Only empathy for what you're going through, and appreciation for how that's helping you grow.
And a good reason to refocus on my own personal improvement.
Which right now, is so much about being the best mom I can be.
Rather than worrying about the when or how of moving out of the yellow house....
Or focusing on what you're doing and when you'll be back..
You and I have already missed out on so many great opportunities to be the instigators of fun moments and memories for our kids.
I don't intend to miss out on all the rest.
I know you've been starting to feel the same...and I def look forward to the coming days...
When you'll message me and ask to meet us where ever we're adventuring...
That you're taking off a few hours from work...cuz it's slow anyways...
And even if it wasn't, you value those moments splashing around w/your boys even more...
And wouldn't want to miss a moment in the water w/me...
Laughing and playing and remembering all the memories we've made in the waters...
Sigh...
Those days are going to be so much fun...
Especially cuz their going to come from your heart...
Rather than some feeling of being forced into it...or like you need to do it from obligation...
Like when you'd take the boys to greenlake and enjoy racing around the lake...
And the days at the great wolf lodge...
And the afternoons playing on the quads and tractor...
And so many other fun days...
