You know...
I was thinking about this blog yesterday.
When I decided to write it, I had intended for it to be more of a place to talk about the day to day stuff, among the emotional stuff. Though it's moreso become a place to put my feelings and intuitions about what's going on w/our story.
Though I think that's going to evolve more today.
Especially after the convo I had in the car w/our youngest.
He'd been begging me since yesterday, to take him to the dollar store to get swimming goggles and then to the park to swim. I told him we would definitely go today.
It was late when I finally was ready to take him.
We left to go to the dollar store first, and I decided to put on the radio.
I had to laugh at several of the songs that came on.
"Maybe I'm amazed" by Paul McCarney...
"I wanna dance w/somebody" by Whitney Houston...
And then...of course...
"Smile" by Uncle Cracker...
It took a fair amount of effort not to send all 3 of those songs to you.
The first one told me you are awakening to how you feel about me...as you've been slowly revealing each week for the past couple of weeks...and something inside me said that you were thinking about the old talk...about how you'd always say you loved the way I loved you...
The second one made me think about all our arguments about Dancing...
About how I wanted you to take me out dancing...and to dance w/me at home...
And for you to join me and the boys at the spiritual dance...
It felt like your 5d self showing me you're thinking about dancing w/me...
All the different ways you could find to enjoy it...
That you brushed away before...
Missing the opportunity for great memory making...
The last one...
That one made me laugh the most...
Consider "our song" in my head, for a long time...has been an uncle kracker song...
Plus, all the times you've told me the "roommates" have repeatedly played uncle kracker albums...
Reminding you of us...
It also made me laugh, cuz that's what we always talked about...that I just wanted to see you smile...
That it's what makes me happiest in the world...
Anyways...
Our youngest asked me if I would put on a new funny song he liked.
It reminded me so much of the underpants song from back in the day.
Which also took a lot not to send you.
I'm still fighting that urge, and will probably send it soon.
For now...I'm still thinking...
We listened to his song.
Then I decided I wanted to play a song.
Though I didn't know which one.
Then I saw "Grow as we go" by Ben Platt...
I put it on, and again felt the urge to send it to you...
Something in that moment felt like it was what's going on w/you...
It felt like spirit telling me "it's safe to love" you again...
Yet something also felt best about waiting...
Like you're not yet ready for advances from me, and even though that wouldn't be the intention...
I got a vision of you feeling like either I was psychically invading your privacy...
Or like I was making a move on you too soon...
Idk...it just felt like it was the right moment to sing the song in the car, think happy thoughts about us, and to send you prayers for easy transitions into your single life...
And then laughing at myself for embracing the absurd...
Or maybe the not so absurd, considering the clues you've been giving me lately...
Intentionally or not...
Anyways.
We listened to Grow as we Go on the way to the store by the park.
Then when I stopped the car, our youngest told me, "that song reminds of the night we went to aunties and dad didn't come like he said he would...like it was a warning that he was going to be...gone...for a long time..."
We talked more, and he revealed that he really didn't think you were going to go away like you did.
I agreed with him that I expected you would've remained much more active in their lives than you have been.
'To be honest, w/everyone I talked to who knew you...
The distance you've kept between our boys and you...
And how you've put other peoples kids at a much higher priority than your own...
That's been genuinely surprising to so many people.
Especially your family and friends.
Crazy eh?
Anyways...
#5 and I talked about the things that have happened.
I asked him if he thought you'd be gone so long.
He said he didn't, but that he felt like you needed it.
I asked him why he thought you needed it.
He said to "learn some things".
I asked him what kind of things he thought you needed to learn.
He told me he felt you needed to "Fix" your emotions...that you had "broken emotions".
All except one emotions he thought worked well for you..."Anger".
Then we talked about how even your anger was broken...
And thought about others in our lives who had broken anger.
Like Gma and other family members.
We even noticed the times he and I use our anger in a broken way.
I asked him if he thought you were going to stay away for much longer.
He said he wasn't sure.
I asked him if he thought we'd all be together again some day.
He said he felt like it.
I told him I did too.
Then we both agreed that even if that didn't happen, we'd be okay.
That we'd find a way to have lots of fun whether you're w/us or not.
And that we'll always love you and pray for you, whether or not you're around or ever heal your broken emotions.
Then he said he felt the other big thing you were learning was "Family First".
I asked him about that before telling I definitely agreed.
He said that it felt like spirit was helping you learn that he and his brother were most important...
And that I am important.
And that your sister and mom are important.
And that even gma and gpa are important, cuz they care about you.
It was cute.
I told him I agreed.
Then we got to talking about when you left.
I shared w/him a very simplified version of why you left in the way that you did.
Cuz you thought that I was saying I was "Done" w/you...that I didn't want you anymore...that you had to leave forever and that we were never going to be together again...
And how what I had said...but could've said in much nicer ways...
Was that you needed to live on your own for a while.
To see that I wasn't going to hurt you the way others have hurt you.
That I love you...and would never abandon you.
We talked more about how you've been doing good learning some things you clearly needed to learn, and how spirit seemed to be helping you w/your 'spirit sickness', which is what some understanding friends helped me decide would be what we call the "reason" for why you left and have been acting so out of character. Especially to our youngest, whose not really seen this side of you in the ways the other two have...
And to be honest, it feels fitting.
And feels like an honest and yet an open explanation of what's going on, whether you ever come back to us or not...cuz why else would a dad we all know as a loving man w/a big heart, who in the past has always put family first...decide to leave us and chose drinking, materialism, crime, and karmics?
Spirit Sickness is the only thing I can think of...
So it fits. And if it fits. It sits, lol.
Anyways.
We talked a bit more.
I told him that you and I have been talking more lately, and had a conversation that told me you are starting to understand that I had to ask you to leave for a while...so you could learn some things...
And that while I could be wrong, my heart says that you'll soon enough be on your own and healing much more deeply and quickly.
Obviously I didn't tell him everything.
Really, I hardly told him anything.
Though I did tell him you told me you had realized that he and his brother were growing up and that you see you're missing out on it.
Which gave me hope that you're going to be spending much more time w/them soon.
He didn't say anything, though I felt like I could hear in his mind, "yes...and have some time w/just me...like he pinky promised"...
I hope you find it w/in yourself to finish the coparenting constitution w/me soon...
And agree to obvious things - like not drinking and driving w/them, spending plenty of sober time w/them when you have them, and caring as much about their emotional safety as their physical safety.
Cuz after all we've been through, I have to stay consistent on those boundaries.
At least until you heal enough to understand that your scared of my healthy flexibility b/c your childhood and early adulthood were filled w/the kind of inconsistency that put you in literal danger.
Until then, I have to stay consistent, and have to get a firm commitment from you, before I can give permission for you to have unsupervised visitation w/them again.
Which is really sad.
It really is.
And it puts a damper on your pinky promise to our youngest.
Whom I told the night you promised him, that until you start working w/me for their safety, that it might be a little while before you'll be able to take them out alone again. Though that it wasn't cuz I was saying no. It was only cuz you were scared to work with me, and afraid either I am going to hurt you, or that the karmics would hurt you for getting along w/me and doing the best for our boys.
Personally, I feel it's more the latter than the former, but I didn't say that to him.
Either way, that's some seriously bad karma to earn, if you don't start putting the kids first soon, and esp don't make good on your pinky promise to him...that's the kind of magick I wouldn't want to be on the bad side of, if it were me.
Then again, maybe that's what you need.
To be faced w/that karma...to learn those hard lessons...
More stick...less carrot...lol
Either way...my love...it was a hard yet easy convo to have w/him...
One I wish I could talk to you on the phone about...or better yet...in person...
Though since you're distant today...I'll just write it here...and talk to you later...
