This morning I woke up nearly exactly at 5am.
I saw from the msgr thing, that you'd be online at 2am...
Somehow I knew from that...that you'd been in some conflict w/at least one of the "Roommates"...
It's funny...my good friend and I have been calling them that now too - "the roommates".
Not even "your roommates" or "his roommates".
Just "the" roommates.
Getting further towards detachment to them in any of our lives in thought and word...
Anyways...
When I woke up, I kept hearing "Beyond" by Leon Bridges...
The part where he says, "Do you think it's foolish if I don't rush in?"
and "I'm scared to death that she might be it...that the shoe might fit...will she have my kids? Will she be my wife?"
And the song by Chicago, "It's hard for me to say I'm sorry", especially the line "Hoooold me now...", has been playing through my head off and on for a few weeks. In fact, today has been one of the few days it hasn't....
So I thought it was extra interesting that this morning when I went to go to Norms, it was the song on the radio....
I laughed a little, but didn't hold to it being anything suuuuuper significant.
I mean, I know your 5d self sends me music messages all the time, and I love it.
Though not everything is a big fat flag saying "I'm coming home!" or anything like that.
And sometimes...just sometimes...it's just me, being reminded of you, when a song plays.
Though I prefer thinking about the times when it could be you...in 3d or 5d...sending me music messages...or trying to get a telepathic message to me that comes out in music...or you've heard a song on the radio and think of me, and don't even know that then spirit finds a way to make sure I hear that song too...lol
Life is more fun when we believe in magick.
Well, that's what I think anyways, lol.
What really got my attention though...
Was the song that came on right after the Chicago song...
I didn't even recognize the significance at first.
"ba-di-ya...do you remember?...ba-di-ya....the 21st night in September..."
All that came into my mind at first, was the fall of 2002...was the old school days...when we'd be wrapped up in each other...
Then what came into my mind, was what felt like memories of yours, from earlier gf's...from "the ex's"...whom you've shared more of the romantic "school" memories...likely including the primary "roommate" of the SoU.
Which reminds me...
I remember being "the roommate"...
That upset me so much...though it was hard to say anything...considering that I hadn't been fully authentic about what I wanted...and had suggested we do a NSA FWB sort of thing...since you were still one toe into your ending marriage...
Though by the time I'd seen/heard you refer to me as just a "roommate", it had been months, and past the November that the ex wife finalized the divorce papers. So it felt like a bit more of a hit, that you hadn't wanted to at least say I was a "good friend" or something like that...
To be just your "roommate"...
Well, I'd imagine it felt something like when I called you "one of my partners" at that kink event.
Not nice at all...
I wonder how karma is helping you with that lesson?
For me...in this moment, I feel like karma is helping me see a few things...
1. It's not exactly 'righteous' to delight in you referring to anyone you've been intimate w/as a "roommate"...cuz I know how that feels...
2. You might also be giving me clues...or your 5d self is anyways...like the name clue...that you're using to show me that you're in a similar entanglement to what we first had when I got us our first apartment...and it might also be a sign that even though you've been physical w/at least one of your roommates, that you've not actually been intimate. I know that you've at least tried...more in an attempt to show me you could choose to do that, then cuz you felt naturally inspired to do it...though still....it's interesting to know you've tried, and to think about how calling them "the roommates" might be a sign that not only did it not get you the reciprocated intimacy you wanted from them...but that you're no long seeking to build that connection either...
3. It might also be your way of giving me a "small step" signal that it's safe to show you more love...affection...appreciation....which I know you've not turned away...
I still see it in my mind...on the 5th of july...during the 3rd full moon eclipse in sag....when you asked me to please keep believing good things in you....and apologized for having been so horrible to me...
That felt real.
Really REAL.
It feels like you think about it a fair amount...
Anyways...I've gone far off topic...
The song..."21st of Sept"...by Earth, Wind, and Fire...
It was really significant, b/c one of my fav readers had just done a reading a few days ago, where she had said union might happen in Sept...and I remember even thinking during that reading, that actually, it might be coming this month - cuz it would've been around sept that the primary roommate really started making more moves....not the damsel in distress move yet...but enough of a friendship to feel like she had an "in" when she was ready....which fits along w/the timeline her ex had mentioned when he filled me in on things...
Plus, we're in a sped up timeline w/this 180/270 stuff going on....
Which feels to me, like it's bringing a 360 a lot faster than it usually would have...
Which also feels like it has to do w/you finally getting rid of Storage #360, that you got when we had our first big breakup fight and you moved to your friends house for a few weeks...
Cuz I knew when you got that...something magick was happening...
I'm sure you remember me telling you when you got it, that you/we were about to go through some big cycle...and that much of it likely had to do w/the fears and trauma's of your past relationships...
It's funny to see what's going on now, especially after you finally admitted you needed this exp to really release your ex's...
When I finally got to say, "I know...that's why I told you you needed to live alone for a while"....
I also know it would've been around sept when your ex wife really started turning up the heat in her affair w/your friend...flaunting it in front of you like the narc she is...not caring about the wounds that brings up for you...
Which I swear...I feel like there's a connection to that and you telling everyone we were getting married...and w/the primary roommate deciding to make a move on you when she did...
Though I don't need to know all the why's, and I'm sure in time they'll be revealed.
It just feels like a Nancy Drew/Scooby-Doo type moment...
Where there's almost enough clues to put everything together and see what's really been happening..
Anyways...
That song coming on, felt like a strong message for sure.
I went back and found the reading where that song had been called out specifically.
Listening as the reader was talking about more signs coming...and thinking about the other signs you've been giving me...that the universe has been giving me too...
Like when I went into Norm's and heard "I'm ready for Love"...
Then the amount I spent equaled 7...
And then got back in the car and the radio started playing "Now that you're gone", then "I will remember you", and then "You take my breath away"...
When I laughed and decided to accept these were likely messages that you were sending...
I decided to send you a music message...I was going to send the Chicago song...
Though when I went to send it, fb said it wasn't allowed and was considered abusive...
THAT was super weird...and I panicked for a minute...
I clicked the link and it even said it could've been from you blocking me...
Though that didn't make any sense...we've been on good terms...
I soothed myself, figuring there was a way to test it...
And reminding myself that even if you had blocked me, it was likely from some fight going on w/the primary roommate...like when you temp deactivated your fet...
Or it could be her going through and blocking me "for you"...like I assumed had been what happened when your fet had disappeared...that it had been done "for you"....or had only been done cuz of an argument where you placated to avoid or end the conflict...
Then I decided rather than trying another vid w/the same song...that I would just send a little music emoji...which I figured would make some kind of sense to you...that I was hearing music and thinking of you....or that I'd gotten the messages you'd been sending telepathically...
It worked and went through...
I let out the biggest sigh of relief...
Then a black jeep wrangler showed up, and "Need you now" started playing on the radio.
Which got me to thinking about what could be happening...
Especially what the relevance of the message that could not be sent...
And it saying that it was deemed "abusive"...
It felt like a sign that whatever had you up until 2am...or at 2am...
And whatever reason I felt called to send you that Chicago song...
Had something to do w/some abusive things going on...
Especially "I'm sorry's"....which were an issue w/us...as you'd often say sorry for things that didn't need sorry's, then refuse to say sorry for things that did need it...and esp refuse to make true amends or work to create win/win's for us...cuz you were stuck in the past and worried that if you put in that effort, it wouldn't turn out good....that either I'd hold it over your head for ever; like the ex's did...or make you jump through more hoops; like the ex's did....and things like that...
So I could see that being a part of your karmic learning...
When and where apologies matter.
How it hurts when you don't get them.
How it hurts when you get them and then find out they weren't real.
How it feels when you trust them and then are faced w/the same behavior and the offender having an excuse for not being accountable, and seem to have a bag of ammo to throw at you about the things you do, so you feel like too much of a jerk to continue seeking resolutions for what hurt you or what you need...
Idk...
Who knows...
The syncs are interesting today though...
I'll probably blog about them more in a bit...
