You know...
Since you left...
I've thought a fair amount about that first time we went out to a bar together...
After my 21st bday...when you took me out w/your earliest ex...and she was dancing all over your lap while I was over playing pool...watching...and hurting cuz that didn't feel like something I was welcome to do w/you...and feeling disrespected...not so much by her...but by your lack of desire to tell her that wasn't nice to do to you, when she knows you're taken.
Especially considering that she was only doing it to make her boy toy of the moment jealous; meaning she was using all of us, to create drama for her own entertainment.
There are still many things I don't fully understand about that day.
Though there's something that came out of it then, that I'm finding myself w/an upgraded understanding of - which is the attitude I attempted to practice that night; not worrying about it, cuz I knew you were going home w/me at the end of the night, and going to keep coming home to me all the nights after that.
I remember when you gave me a shy and ambiguous acknowledgement that your "friend" was all over you at the bar while I watched...and I quickly told you it was fine, cuz I knew who you were going home with.
I still remember the smile that danced across your face...
Almost like that first buzz inn dinner after you resurfaced...
The one where I showed you that yes, an ex and a current gf can have a pleasant exp meeting and hanging out w/each other - even w/me being the only one to put in the effort.
I remember during that dinner, when you picked up your phone to look at some message, and the convo got brought about how you have all these women you talk to - and I said it wasn't that you're doing anything, you're just a popular guy.
A half truth really. Though I figured you'd like to hear that I acknowledge that is a good portion of it.
Though it's not an excuse for the poor boundaries - to be clear.
Just an acknowledgement that you don't typically go looking for those connections.
You just don't tell them off either, lol.
Something I realized I was really going to appreciate after you left - and I do.
It's funny to think about how such "cool" attitudes like that, were right when I first used them - though I was using them for the wrong reasons....I was using them to cover my true feelings.
Though it's not bad that I did so - cuz I did what I knew was the kind, secure, fun, and empathetic thing to do, and by practicing it then, I got myself into the habit of following the kinds of morals and values of the woman I wanted to be.
Ironically enough, it's been taking the punishments of what ex's have done to you; and what at least two of them still are doing to you, that has helped me become the woman I am today.
Just like how growing up w/an alcoholic dad, told me I never wanted to drink like that...
And how some exp's seeing ppl I cared about turn to hard drugs and self harming lifestyles, helped me to decide I never wanted to really "let myself go", or let myself get truly out of control...
Just like those times...
B/c of you sharing your story w/me...since the first time we met 20 yrs ago...
I've become a very self possessed person...who is kind, authentic, honorable, and true.
I made the choice to be secure in ways I wasn't before, when you told me about how their insecurities hurt, suffocated, frustrated, and overburdened you.
I made the choice to be honest about feelings that were hard to share, when you told me about how they forced you to have to "investigate" to figure out how they really felt and that they were cheating.
I chose to work on not feeling so needy; esp when you first get home, after you told me about how several of your ex's would not give you a moment of space from the moment you got home...wanting to be all over you and in your lap from the minute you walked in the door, when all you really wanted was a hug and kiss before you decompressed on your own for a bit...
I made sure to never demand you come in for meals when you were working on projects, cars, house needs, or even just enjoying your time in your man cave - often even enjoying getting to bring things out to you, or finding inventive ways to kept things warm...or enjoying reheating things when you were ready for bed...
I always appreciated the way you appreciated that I did things like that.
I also decided to be sure to make sure I looked for things to appreciate...esp the little things...
After you and many others, told me many stories about how you felt so unrecognized, unappreciated, and totally taken for granted in former relationships...
Which fit right along w/my exp of former relationships on my end, plus what I witnessed my parents go through...
It felt so good to have you there to appreciate...
And to get to receive your appreciation for my appreciation...
There are so many other things that I've decided to evolve about myself over the years, cuz of stories of ppl around us - past and present, b/c I want to be a kind, honorable, nurturing, fun, joyful, loving, gratifying, romantic, adorable, and magickal person...and woman like no other...and a good person.
Not 100% angel of course...that wouldn't be any fun...
Though most of one...
And I realized...that what attracted you to me in the beginning...
Was me acting like the woman I wanted to be...
I had myself convinced for a while, that I had done the wrong thing back then...cuz it wasn't authentic to how I actually felt and what I really wanted to ask for and do...
Which tbh, at the time...was to grab her by the hair, drag her outside and slap her around, before going to you and demanding you announce in front of everyone that you are happily taken and that everyone is to keep their hands off...
Though I didn't want to tame you...or force you into "domestication"...
I wanted to accept you w/your flaws and appreciate your wildness...your openness...
And to be the kind of Queen...Empress....who knows whats really happening, and really is cool w/whatever happens, cuz I know how the end of the story goes...
I see now...that not only was it good that I did that back then...
It was also good that I went through a period of think that it was bad and codependent of me to do that...
Just as it's great to be evolving back into that very vibration - though this time from a place of truly feeling that deeply appreciated unconditional love for the healing contrast coming to me, as I fully enjoy embracing the wonderful absurdity of knowing how the story unfolds.
Of knowing that all roads lead back to "us"...
Just like they have throughout the story of us over the past 20 years...
We just have to get back to ourselves first...
Then we naturally manifest each other...
Pulled towards each other by gravity..
Knowing this...fills me w/a strange sort of bliss...
A faith that makes me laugh at my feeble attempts to fake it when I had you in my arms and was desperately afraid to lose you to someone more flirty, who had more years of memories w/you, or who were felt as some kind of threat...
Many of whom I allowed to feel threatening to me over the years...
When I never had to feel that way.
Such a contrast, huh?
I know now...
After we've spent the most time apart we've spent in 20 years...
That I have absolutely nothing to fear, and I do know where the story goes...
How it ends...
Which is why I can give you the space I do...
And how when I get lost in my own doubts and triggers and emotions...
Get back to a place of faith - again and again and again....
I remind myself - we have lots of time.
Not just in the literal sense, but in the infinite lifetimes sense.
Then I remind myself that I don't want to be your "next" - I want to be your last.
I also don't want to be just another warm body that keeps you distracted from your healing.
Nor the type of woman you constantly tell others is "roommate" when you're mad at them, and never nothing more than a "girlfriend" when you're happy.
I want to be your wife.
I am your wife.
Your walksbeside.
Your beloved.
That woman you want to be serious with.
And not just serious about bills and materialistic stuff.
The woman you want to put serious time into playing with - adventuring with - growing with.
The kind of woman who is your sanctuary, who you want to be a sanctuary to.
I want to be "home"...
Where your heart is...
And for you to want to be the "home" where my heart is...
To be that woman, I realized when you left...
I really needed to evolve my game.
That I needed to become the woman I figured I'd feel like once you genuinely proposed to me.
When we would be officially married.
Which brought me to a lot of thinking, and a lot of shifts in perspective.
Not just to think about the future of us; more importantly, to heal those places w/in me that have kept me from succeeding in good times and bad, and from feeling like an amazing, irresistable, and wonderful woman no matter whats going on...
All of which I realized, were thet hings I needed to do anyways, to be taken seriously by you.
Really, to be taken seriously by my own self...
The kind of woman who has good boundaries.
Who values herself and sees her worth at all times.
The kind of woman who is authentic always, even when it's risky.
The kind of woman who won't harp on you, yet will also call you out on your bs - kind ways.
The kind of woman who can pick up and carry the whole ship if that needs to happen, yet never tries to take on the weight of carrying everything all the time in codependent fashion.
The kind of woman who can put her self care first, cuz she sees how great she is and how much she brings to the table just by being herself; no sprinkles or fancy dressings needed.
The kind of woman who builds her man up w/o buttering him up.
The kind of woman who if need be, also knows how to tear his ego down a few notches - not to get even or teach any lessons; only when it's clear he's hurting himself and going against his own values.
Yet also the kind of woman who can step aside and stand back when her man needs or wants to do things on his own - who doesn't damage rites of passage w/her greed or insecurities, cuz as much as she wants to hog up 100% of him, she is able to appreciate the spaces in between the notes and chapters...that really make the time they have together, matter that much more...
The kind of woman who can accept help, and who can also not try to overhelp everyone else.
The kind of woman who enjoys managing the house and creating a wonderfully relaxing, fun, and immersive "home" experience for her hardworking man.
Who enjoys all moments with the kids - from dressing up for concerts, to tying their shoes for the 100th time and having that same talk about them needing to do it themselves, cuz they clearly know how, lol.
The kind of woman who can please herself in every way, yet never leaves her own needs unaddressed or unattended just b/c she can take care of herself and uses that as a reason not to speak up or feel too needy.
The kind of woman who can and will have you serve her first, yet who also enjoys submitting to your Emperor Tones when the mood flows in you - allowing your masculinity a space to grow and appreciated in ways that everyone else you've been with, have done all they could to emasculate and be rid of...
The kind of woman who inspires you to explore and embrace any amount of your feminine side that you want to, when you want to - w/o trapping you into some new label or box.
The kind of woman who feels calm and faithful when she asks for a question to be answered, who doesn't panic when it's gone unanswered for hours, days, or weeks - cuz she recognizes you're a deep thinker, who likes to collect data and opinions first....and sort of intellectually taste things in the way a toddler wants to put everything in their mouth first to "learn" about it....
Who has faith in you to surprise me w/your wit, wisdom, and curiosity in each moment.
Yet who also isn't afraid to say, "Hey Bub. You're trying my patience w/this not answering of xyz question and such.", and know that you'll do it right away.
The kind of woman you know you can always find in the garden...the office...the yard...at the park w/the kids...or out exercising near by....and would never find out w/other guys, wrapped up in secret conversations, creating drama w/who knows, pissing off the neighbors, or anything like that.
And not cuz she has to, or cuz she's desperate to keep you.
Simply cuz that's the kind of woman I am.
The kind you can always trust.
Who is loyal and faithful to a fault.
Who is easy to see, easy to read, and easy to intuit.
The kind of woman who is easy and fun to romance - who you know will always appreciate your gestures, small and big.
And the kind of woman who inspires you to be the best version of you too.
Not just some money maker or cash cow.
The kind of woman who will kick your but for selling your toys.
Who makes sure you don't let too many ppl take up all your time - so you have plenty of it to yourself and your friends, and the imperfectly perfect amount of it w/me and the kids.
The kind of woman who will make sure you keep making new friends and don't let old toxic ones get the best of you.
The kind of woman finds pleasant ways to get you to eat your veggies so you don't get constipated.
Who brings in decorations and art and plants for the house - so it's not all just flat gadgets and furniture. So it's a "home".
The kind of woman who takes pictures of everything we do.
Who reminds you to pull out your camera for kodak moments, and who makes you sit down and shut up when your tummy isn't feeling good, so I can make you eat your soup and get better - even when you dun wanna do it.
The kind of woman who can see that often when you're reactive and mad...you really just want a hug...and to be told it's okay to be scared...or to want to change your mind...
Who sees much of the time when your complaining, that you're feeling underappreciated...
And who knows how to recognize when you'd like to be alone and don't want to feel mean by saying it, cuz you appreciate our connection so much you don't want to ruin it...
The kind of woman who knows you feel like you have to act all macho and tough and like the perfect friend, employee, boss, son, brother, and partner at all times....but that you're really not that kind of person and don't want to be...that you're really just a flower child who loves stuffies and munchies and tinkering w/abusrd things...that you like cuddles and games and having your head rubbed...who just wants to be able to act that way all the time...and feel totally welcome and accepted...
Though the world is not yet a place where that's totally safe...
So also the kind of woman who embraces your "macho moments", and knows just how to help you put on and take off your machoness armor. So you can feel like you're able to adapt to all the places in teh world your heart calls you to be in...
The kind of woman who recognizes that allow you've had a hard past that is worth of acknowledgement, that not a single bit of it has "broken" you, or done anything to prevent you from being a brave, courageous, honorable, authentic, dependable, genuine, trustworthy, transparent, kind, flexible, easy going, passionate, intimate, sensitive, dominant, and deliciously bratty man who is fun, adorable, and worthy of all the most wonderful experiences life has to offer.
The kind of woman who doesn't walk around on eggshells or wear kid gloves w/you...
Not even when we're enjoying being middles and other such adventures...
The kind of woman who can gladly go on and on w/a list like this...
Just for fun really.
Though who can also not get too lost in too many examples, and understands the fun of leaving something left for your own imagination....
I'm sure you get it.
These are many of the things I've thought about for a while, when thinking about the kind of woman I want to see myself as, and be seen by you as.
Which has helped lead me into and out of healing a whole lot of insecurities, that have brought me right back to where I started when we met...and when we first started our official relationship.
To the place where I recognize memory making is much more important than securing some kind of public commitments or legal bondage - yet can also honor that I'm not the type of woman whose okay w/an ambiguous unclear connection that is less than what she wants and deserves.
I definitely want ALL of you.
And I won't accept you not wanting ALL of me.
Nor will I participate in a relationship were ALL of the ex's are also ALL up in things.
Though I also realize that the way to make sure ALL of that happens, is to recognize I'm worthy of having and don't need to do anything to get it, other than open my mouth to speak it, and then have faith that it will happen when the time is divine.
Anyways my dearest...
It's really late...
And I promised the kids we'd go to the park much earlier today...
I want to make good on that promise...
So I'm putting my clickety clicker to rest...
Forever, Always, and Completely Yours....
~ Empress ~
