Dear Cabbit...the FM in Pisces approaches...time to free yourself...whether you like it or not...

After all the cards that have come up in my readings, and readings from other readers I trust...I feel like Spirit is telling you "Ready or not! Here I come!", and bringing in tower after tower, to complete the ending of a situationship you were ready to and supposed to free yourself from months and months ago...

Dear Cabbit....compromised fb msgr?

 Idk why, but I just feel like throwing this in as more of a thing to check on later...like documenting what I sense...which is that your fb msgr feels like it's been taken over by that rev queen of swords...there's just something strange about how easy and flowing it is when we text vs when I try to send you anything via msgr...

It's also hard not to want to get bratty and test that out...lol

Anyways...sending you my prayers for taking back your manhood, getting un-castrated, and freeing yourself from all toxic and karmic cycles that could even allow for the potential of that sort of situation...I know you can do this...and are almost there...

Though until you are 'there'...you're in my prayers...

Forever, Always, and Completely...

~ Empress...

Dear Cabbit...ham sandwiches...lol

 Our youngest just came out and brought me a ham sandwich.

I told him that I LOVE that he's feeling so generous and being such a big kid, and was looking at the sandwich seeing that he only put one slice of cheese and meat, which I decided I wouldn't mention, but I noticed there appeared not to be any ranch (his fav to add to ham sandwiches) and said "Hey, what's w/the no sauce?"

I love his response. He told me that it was in between the cheese and the ham slice, and was the "secret sauce!", which he isn't old enough to realize just how funny that really is, but it was funny enough on it's own.

I can't wait to be able to share those moments w/you...and am sad that there are so many moments like that, which you're missing out on now...

Come home to us soon my love...there's so much heart warmth to experience...it's time to embrace it...

Dear Cabbit...what I'm most excited for...

You know...it's funny...

There are many things I could be most excited about...and I'm sure there are many parts of our mind that believe it has to do w/having you physically andor financially...but that's not it...

You know what it is?

It's that first REAL hug...

That moment when you sink your face into my neck and let the waterfalls soak into my shirt...

Dear Cabbit....sometimes I'm scared of getting what I want...

 I know you can relate...

Sometimes the idea of getting the love and the success and the appreciation and all the things that we've always wanted...is scarier than continuing to stay in cycles that keep us from getting what we want...

Dear Cabbit...I can tell that you want to make things right...

And being that Sept is quickly approaching, I have this pending feeling that's growing w/in...which was there before those readings came up. Hence why I see them as confirmation, along w/the personal readings I've gotten from a couple of trusted readers, rather than taking them as the oracles of what's coming. Learning to trust my own intuition and the confirmations that come AFTER them, rather then before them...

It's interesting though...as free will is so much at play, and you are naturally such an indecisive and sensitive being, that you nearly every day, in thoughts as well as actions - in terms of what you want to do. Heck, you often change hour by hour - making you predictably unpredictable, and making it hard to have more than a general sense about what's going to happen. It really forces me to go w/what my heart knows to be true...which is to disregard your current karmic behavior, and keep having faith that you're coming around in your own time...

Anyways...Sept is when I've been told and retold, is when you'll reach out.

Dear Cabbit...if I had it my way...

You know...

Our interaction the other day, when I had to burst your bubble and tell you that the boys do NOT feel like they can call you for anything...and in fact, don't even really want to reach out to you much anymore, cuz of the way you've been w/them since you left...and for our oldest...even before you left...most of his life really...and your first reaction was to suggest that they're just getting 'too many stories' from everyone...shows me that you're still going back to your old deflection tactic...to try to suggest I'm being like your ex's - and telling them that you're not there for them, when in fact, I've been more on your side - ESPECIALLY in front of and to our kids....than anyone else including you.

Dear Cabbit...something clicked...

It's been 6 hours since you've been online...since you said you were "working" on lunch...

Since you said "crazy times right"...and I responded w/"We'll make it"...and told you that's what I tell myself when I cry..."we'll make it"...

Somehow...it feels like that got through...of all the things...at all the times...it did something...

Dear Cabbit...the first ring...what a memory...

Yesterday...as I was walking and ranting to my voice recorder...

I was crying and asking myself why I believed that you ever had feelings for me...

And what kept coming into my mind...was the memory...of you coming up to me when I sat on the counter by the stove in the shoreline house I used to live in...and you put...what I still swear, was your fathers blue sapphire ring on my finger...I even put it on the "none wedding" hand...not assuming you meant it as anything other than an "I like you gift"...and you spoke up...and said that it belongs on the RIGHT finger...the wedding finger...

That memory still lingers today...

It feels like a promise you made...

One it feels like you've taken back a thousand times...even before I let your friend convince me to give it back to you in a dramatic display of upsetness at how you'd been treating me...yet...it still feels like a promise that my heart holds onto...the way you looked at me...the way you gave it to me...the way you kissed me when I wore it and smiled...the way you looked so sad when I put it back in your hand...praying you would grab my hand and put it back on and say, "baby...please...wait for me..."

I have dreams about you doing that w/the rings you got to propose to me w/last year...or nightmares really...little stories and fantasies my mind tortures me with...the fantasy that you might ride to me in the night...like so many readers have predicted...and put that ring on my finger..and say sorry for being such an incredible jerk to me...and ask me...if there's any incredible way I can wait for you...to free yourself from the mess you've made....

Crazy, huh?

Dear Cabbit...our youngest wants to make breakfast...cuz he's feeling 'generous'...

Though nothing else feels right..

Not working on the website for my growing business...

Not calling my friends...

Not even laying down and going to sleep...to at least pretend I can not care for a while...

Just doing this...just writing to you...for no apparent reason that makes any sense to any sane person...

But I'm gonna do it...until it doesn't feel right anymore...

Until then...I want to tell you about a conversation I just had w/our youngest when I was in the kitchen...before the moment w/the window and the rain and the weeping earth...

He told me that he "must" make breakfast for everyone today.

Dear Cabbit...rain and cheesecake oreos...

As I finished that last post...and let the waterfalls free themselves from my eyes...I decided to go inside and get more coffee...and something to put in my tummy...cuz despite the fact that I feel repulsed by the idea of eating...my body still screams at me if I go too long w/o eating...and what really sucks about that...is I never feel "full"...like I'm always starving...just less starving when I eat something...which is how it felt when you first left...not just this year...all the times 19 years ago...every time you left...and it feels that way now...as I can feel you "leaving" me again...temporary or not...

And when I went to look out the kitchen window...and stared at some liquor on the counter, thinking about if that would take away the pain...for a little while...I saw that it had begun pour outside...and I heard the phrase, "when you weep...the earth weeps with you..."

Then I saw some cheesecake oreos on the counter...and that reminded me of Cabbie...and the nights you made sure you had some carrot cake oreos...and were telling me you were going to come find me for your bday...it feels like it's time for another cabbie and whiskey night...

I hope you share it w/me this time too...

Though I won't expect it...having such expectations w/you...hurt...

Dear Cabbit...I'm all over the place today...why?

Really...I've been all over the place for days...

I was in a good place this weekend, even w/the curveballs you threw me...

And confident about holding the boundaries I set...

I could see what was coming this week...the quiet...the strangeness...the emotions...the releasing...

Then it really hit me...

A few nights ago...

The crying...the resentments...the drop...

Dear Cabbit...I have released you...the old you, that is...

There is the oracle card that a lot of readers pull up - it says "release your ex"...

A fitting suggestion w/all the energy of this year being "return of the ex's"...lol

I realized months ago, that also included releasing you and you releasing me...though it didn't feel right to just write you off, and release faith in us...until I realized that it wasn't that I need to release "you", but I do need to release the old you...and the old stories...and stop beating the drum that says you're toxic, and immature, and abandoning us, and being a dick...the old you that hasn't chosen or prioritized me...or the boys...not even your daughter...

Dear Cabbit...I want it all to be "easy"....

 I had more audio dreams this morning...this time you and I were talking about the coparenting stuff...and you were afraid that I want a whole bunch of complicated "fine print"...and I told you, "I don't want it to be that way. It is that way, cuz you have trouble seeing what the simple healthy stuff is...like...I want to be able to just say, "have empathy for them, and be healthy w/them", but you don't seem to naturally do that...like when it comes to you and her being intimate around the kids; hers as well. That's just fucked up to all of them, and you know it, cuz you had to deal w/that growing up, and weren't allowed to have feelings about it. So how can you do that to any kids, esp your own? And w/things like letting her be rude when your son is trying to talk to you, and when you are trying to

Dear Cabbit...trying new things...

The other day...I had a total meltdown...

Though I didn't give up...not even when our youngest wanted to go out...and I was afraid I would break down and cry around him...instead...I tried something new...I told him ahead of time, that I was emotional...and grieving and missing you...and that I wanted to go to a diff park where there would be less ppl, cuz I might cry...maybe even a lot...he was so good...and agreed we could go to a different park, rather than the one he loves...and didn't get scared when I was emotional...

Dear Cabbit...our youngest finally slept in the bedroom w/me all night...

I know...this seems like a funny thing to be happy about...

Though it's more in the conversation that the "aha" happened, then in the actual actions...

You see...for this whole time, unless he'd had melatonin, he always got up after I turn the tv off and start to go to sleep, and goes to gma's room and sleeps in there...

I've tried many times before, to try to get him to sleep all the way through the night w/me...mostly, tbh - just to give Gma a break, and because I spent a lot of time still sleeping in the rv...cuz it's still hard to sleep in that bed w/o you...though I keep trying...w/allowances and grace for myself...for still being human...still having feelings...for still not feeling okay calling it "my room"...cuz it's not...it's not "home"...not w/o you...anyways...

Last night...me and our youngest had a convo that went something like this after the tv went off...

Him: "I'm having trouble sleeping..."

Dear Cabbit...it's because I can still surprise you...

There are many reasons I see, that I know why you "love the way I love you"...

Though in thinking about it throughout the years...

It's mostly because I've always been able to surprise you...

In being different than other women...other people in general...

From jumping on you in the attic...to leaving a permanent feeling on your nipple and ears...

Dear Cabbit...I found my "beach" shirt today...

 It's funny. I was just thinking earlier about what part of the cycle we're in...and how close we are to the point where you jumped into the situationship you're in, which is about the same time you'll both jump out of the situationship...and it was just after that...after our first few uncoupling sessions...when I invited you to the "not a date date lunch date", and right after, tried to see if you wanted chicken strips after I'd gone to the dollar store and saw many syncs, and bought that blew shirt that said "I'd rather be at the beach".

I found that shirt today.

Dear Cabbit...I know you're scared...and up to something...

...and I know you know I'm up to something too...

We tend to do that to each other...lol

Anyways. I know you're almost free. Your silence confirms it actually, as does your actions over the weekend, which were weird, cheeky, and funny af. Especially when I noticed you noticed that I didn't act in the ways you expected, and am still in this moment, not acting the way you expect.

Dear Cabbit...Thievery...still laughing about your trip to the park...(warning, harsh sarcasm ahead..)

 More and more the past few days...

As I've become comfortable w/the idea of just doing my work and allowing you to come back to me for a change....I keep seeing panthers...and black cats..and peaches...

Dear Cabbit....it all works out....

You know....it's funny...

The absurdity of where we are in the cycle...

And w/synchronicities....

I know that if I'm seeing all the syncs and feeling the way I feel, that you're getting a bunch of syncs too, and it's probably making you laugh between the tears as you get free from the circus...

Dear Cabbit...I don't know what you're up to....though I'm curious to see how this plays out...

Tbh, I almost had a panic moment yesterday, when you ambiguously first revealed that you were bringing the remaining karmic and her kids to our youngest sons 9th bday party today. 

The emotions that have gone through my mind, have ranged from:

Dear Cabbit...the tower in the judgement...

Idk if this is going to be "goodbye" for a while or not...

I do know, I'm tired of hurting...

And waiting...

And I can feel myself naturally pulling away from the SoU, this blog, and other things connected w/you.

At least for a time.

I feel pessimistic, vulnerable, and hopeless.

All except for one little red thread...that hopes that somehow...somewhere...spirit will bring us back together...

Even that feels weak right now though...

I love you.

I'm tired of missing you.

And you seem to feel all attachments to me and kids is too huge of a burden...

So I might as well do the honors for you, and cut those ties.

Hopefully I'll be back to post again soon...

Though if not...

You know why.

Dear Cabbit...it's Lionsgate....roar...

Today is Lionsgate...8/8/2020

It's a "16" and a "20" day...the Tower and the Judgement...

Or the "Tower" w/in the "Judgement"...

Idk what all will happen today - between us and in the greater world.

I do know, in some way, it's going to be historic and memorable.

Dear Cabbit...swimming in jello...again...

There's a "feeling" that a friend and I have dubbed "Jello"...

When you feel things happening around you, and feel like you need to be doing something or stopping doing something, and also like the best thing to do at the moment is nothing at all.

Dear Cabbit...visions of you coming for me...

Dear Cabbit....Gardening at the Fork in the Road...

Dear Cabbit...like moths to flames...

Dear Cabbit...hold on...as masks...and gloves...come off...

I'm getting the sense dearest, that this weekend is going to be one that'll be spoken of for a while...

Especially w/the aqua full moon w/the sun in leo on monday...

That means a huge build up of energy between the Group and the Individual...

Between surrendering to the Group and "Traditions", and Standing in Personal Power...

W/everything you've described was coming up...

On top of this week building up to that full moon...

I get a sense that karmics are going to start flashing their teeth, removing the masks they've been wearing, and start going towards the more forwardly 'aggressive' side of the 'passive aggressive' tactic..

Revealing the depth of narcisstic energy that's been consuming them for quiet some time...

Not a pretty sight to see...

It feels like this is happening cuz you've been upholding your boundaries, a feeling which fills me w/faith that you intend to continue to do so...