It's been 6 hours since you've been online...since you said you were "working" on lunch...
Since you said "crazy times right"...and I responded w/"We'll make it"...and told you that's what I tell myself when I cry..."we'll make it"...
Somehow...it feels like that got through...of all the things...at all the times...it did something...
Idk if it's going to equal even more distance and silence...or if it's given you the strength to free yourself...
Only time will tell...and prove whether I'm crazy or not...
In the meantime...its time to check in w/our youngest...and see if he wants me to sleep upstairs w/him again...so I can wrap my heart in armor for a while to do it...I don't really sleep up there...not that I really sleep much of anywhere anymore...it's all me hearing you arguing in my head...w/me...w/yourself...w/her...w/spirit....things seemed to take a slightly more positive turn after I let out those other posts and cried to some voice mails...and we chatted just briefly...like you're somehow remembering...waking up again...as I knew you would...but let myself fall into a place of disbelief...
As much of this has happened...I've tried to remind myself...that it could be....that by letting myself go to this place for a while...that it might allow you to go to that place...to get out of the "bliss zone" and see that what you've manifested is not roses...and won't ever bring more than messes and heartache...though idk...
I might just have these blogs to look back on ten years from now...and wonder what in the world I was thinking...
I hope not...I hope these are posts we can go through together way before then...
Though we'll see...
For tonight...I'm just reminding myself I don't always need to know why...or always know what's happening...I dont need to control it...I just need to find my inner peace...and have faith...
