Really...I've been all over the place for days...
I was in a good place this weekend, even w/the curveballs you threw me...
And confident about holding the boundaries I set...
I could see what was coming this week...the quiet...the strangeness...the emotions...the releasing...
Then it really hit me...
A few nights ago...
The crying...the resentments...the drop...
I'm trying so hard to keep it from you...esp today, as I know I'm going to need to ask my dad for a super large amount to cover the phone bill...and either tell the truth - that you could pay it, but you won't...you won't even do me the courtesy of checking in and saying you're sorry that you won't pay the phone bill today...cuz your circus is soaking up all of your money...and you're yet again, reasoning that it's better to screw me and the kids over, then to take the consequences of telling the greedy karmic you're going to be honorable and kind to those who have been honorable and kind to you, and that if she has a problem w/that, she should help you bring in more income WITHOUT crime or screwing someone else...
Strangely...there's a part of me, that knows that b/c I set and am holding the boundaries w/you about the kids, that you're setting and holding boundaries there too...you're just not telling me about it this time, like you were last time...
The other option, is to tell my dad that you intend to pay me back, so I can pay him back...which, while that is a lie - considering you haven't told me that...and there's zero evidence you intend to do that, it still feels like it would be better than breaking down crying to him...telling him I have no idea what's going on w/you, and no job prospects, and yt has standards that mean it'll take a while to earn money unless I can get a new laptop...
Either way...it's a shit situation...
And I've spent a lot of time speaking my resentments...and pain...and fears...to voice recordings...
You seem to almost always come online when I start doing them...esp when I'm crying...
Part of me feels like I know you can feel how I feel...and the other part of me feels like that's part of the fantasy bonds I'm trying to release...just my imagination...cuz the reality is, even if you can feel it...you're not reaching out...you're not listening to you're intuition...you're not reciprocating for me, all that I've given to you...w/o even the expectation that you would give back...though it still hurts that you don't....that it isn't such a strong feeling for you, like it is for me..
I cried to my voice recorder last night...asking it "why?"
Why do I cry for someone who can leave me hanging like this?
Why do I care about whether or not you care?
Why do I prioritize and give so much of my heart to someone who has never prioritized me? Someone who only even admits to himself that I have any real part of his heart...in secret...when he's drunk...and pulls out his secret satchel...someone who couldn't even say thankyou...for the tangible love he has to secret away like that...
Why do I pine for someone who could run away when I needed him to grow up and help me? Who would hide away the idea of us getting married, cuz he'd been talking crap about me and didn't want to correct the record w/everyone and list all the beautiful reasons he wanted to marry me in front of everyone? Someone who refused to stand up for me when his 'friend' was threatening me w/violence, over something that wasn't even 1/16th as bad as any of the stuff he's done, in a way that would help maintain the connection w/their son who needs good ppl in his life w/the ways they treat him...
Why do I sit and think about someone all day, who likely hardly thinks about me at all? I could have anyone...I could easily find someone who would worship the ground I walk on...and be good to me in all the ways you never have been...so why do I choose you? Why do I keep choosing you? Why would I rather put myself through the misery and pain and struggle of believing in you, and being disappointed over and over and over again?
Why would I choose someone who would run from accountability?
Who could blame me for the messy situation he's in, that he jumped into rather than facing himself and growing up...
How could I love someone who would be so heartless as to tell me "the heart wants what it wants" and be referring to how you feel about the karmic who is abusing you? And how come when I think about that phrase, it's towards my abuser - you?
And if all of those low vibe, crappy self worth thoughts, are actually just me feeling what you're going through...and all a sign that you're getting free...like I've been seeing proof after proof of....and then coming back to me...why is it I can't be stronger? Why am I so weak?
I've been told sometime between Sept and my birthday...and even early on in the year, that it might be this next valentine's day...I had vision after vision of all of those things happening...and they could've happened early on...though I gave in to these terrible feelings...I gave in to my "chaser" side, whenever you ran...and likely added to the delays...to the repeat cycles...why?
Why can't I just be confident in what I KNOW is true? Which isn't these low vibe pitiful thoughts...
It's the little whisper from my heart...my inner being...
That says..."just hold on..."
"Just a little bit longer..."
"Trust Spirit...trust your heart..."
"Remember the song about the fog...the mountain is still there when the clouds cover it...remember that he is still there...even when the 3d is cloudy....and remember that you are still you...and you are still right...even when the 3d makes it seem all wrong..."
"Remember what he said to you in his clear moments..."I'm almost there"...and "small steps"...and "I'm releasing my ex's"...and so much more...in those clear moments...remember that enlightenment comes in waves and cycles...remember to watch the cycles...remember that drops come up...that he's going to come back 'up' and when he does, he'll come 'up' to you..."
and "He's coming...remember what the readers have said...remember the visions we sent you...pay attention to those dreams you're getting...w/him arguing w/her and w/you and w/himself...they are REAL...and remember that when he's not talking to you...it's not that he doesn't love you...it's that he's going through exactly what you're sensing he is...towers...endings...breaking free to be single...like we showed you...be strong...heal your fears...have faith...have faith...have faith..."
Why can't I just stay consistently in that place?
Why can't I just hold faith and have fun while I wait for you?
Why can't I not care that you're not reaching out?
Why can't I just busy myself w/work and guitar and the kids, and have faith?
Why can't I just know...I'm feeling this way, not cuz I've done anything wrong, but cuz you're going through the towers, and we're twins so I feel it too...even though there's really nothing going on w/me, other than the tower of the phone bill...why can't I know that and find it soothing?
And why can't I just be happy w/o the idea of you? Why does the only thing that makes me feel better, is believing in you healing and coming back to me? Why can't I feel fulfilled w/that or the infinite other outcomes that could be? Me w/others who will love me...Me alone, loving myself...me enjoying my work and exploring the world w/the kids...Why aren't they all so satisfying that they fill me up w/inspiration I can use to do my work, and not get triggered and sunk by these feelings that I know are confirmation that you're going through towers over there, and about to be free?
And why do I feel like I'll shatter again...if I find you do go through all that, and choose her again...someone who has hurt you far worse than I ever have...and yet...just like your ex wife...you choose to put all of your heart into trying to make it work w/them...when you could put that same effort into making it work w/me...and know that it would...and know that you'd get it back...that it wouldn't even really be "work"....and why do I feel like even after that shatters me, I'd come right back to my fantasies about you?
And why can't I just do what everyone else would do? Just boot you off the phone, file for child support, and take you through court to either be a healthy empathetic father to your kids? Why can't I do that and know that whether or not you act immaturely about it, and whether or not it crumbles your fake castle and situationship, that it's right...that it means I can support the kids...and get us out of the yellow house...
Why can't I be strong?
Why am I such a coward too?
And have I wasted my time? Not just the last 8 months...blogging to someone who doesn't read it...building a business based on the fantasy of a magickally healing love...but the whole 19 years? Have I wasted my time? Have I been a fool all along? To give you more chances? To believe good things in you? To let myself believe for an instant that all this pain and heartache will turn into a happily ever after w/you?
Am I just a fool?
Some stupid pathetic woman stuck in the mindset of the 15 year old girl who met and fell in love w/you?
Idk...
I don't even know why I'm writing or going to post this...
You're not going to read it now...and Idk if you ever will...
It's all just my pathetic way of trying to feel like I'm still getting to talk to you and be real...and share all of my human emotions...w/o actually talking to you...w/o being "too much"...w/o the constant rejection...w/o having to FEEL that you love me, yet be faced w/the lies you tell to try to be an "Angel" in a relationship where you're both devils...
I'm not sure what's real at this moment...darn pluto aspect to uranus retro...it's all all over the place...
I'm praying to feel better soon...
I'm praying you feel better soon too...
I can't take this pain much longer...
I want to go to sleep and not wake up...
Either just until you're healed and ready...or just never...
So I don't have to feel anymore...so I don't have to think anymore...so I don't have to take on all the burdens of all of this...anymore...
To trust that somehow the boys will be loved and taken care of...or that the love I've shown them, esp over the past 8 months, will be enough to carry them through any difficult situations...esp as they'd like end up w/you...and you've not even bothered to show any real empathy towards them...
I know I can't...
I can't leave the boys...
I can't check out like that...
Though lately...it's a struggle not to...
Esp w/the idea of the relief behind it...to no longer think about you...
To no longer feel sad and like a failure when I think of all the ways I could stop thinking about you while being awake, and worry that would mean I'm giving up on us right before you're about to come back...
To no longer argue w/myself over what to do when you do come back...to not have to dread having to uphold healthy boundaries at the cost of your favor....which I don't even know why I prioritize so much...cuz even being on your good side...doesn't earn me any tangible love...it doesn't help the boys...and you continue to take it for granted...why do I care whether or not you "like" me or if I'm on your good side?
Why do I feel so wrapped up in you, that I'd rather give up and go to sleep and not wake up, then to get up and take the kids out and build my business and dry my eyes and enjoy the adventure that is life itself? There's so much to enjoy all around you....why does it feel worthless w/o you by my side?
Idk...
I have no answers right now...
Other than that I'm clearly just a crazy masochistic romantic...
And I'm fucked... =(
