I had more audio dreams this morning...this time you and I were talking about the coparenting stuff...and you were afraid that I want a whole bunch of complicated "fine print"...and I told you, "I don't want it to be that way. It is that way, cuz you have trouble seeing what the simple healthy stuff is...like...I want to be able to just say, "have empathy for them, and be healthy w/them", but you don't seem to naturally do that...like when it comes to you and her being intimate around the kids; hers as well. That's just fucked up to all of them, and you know it, cuz you had to deal w/that growing up, and weren't allowed to have feelings about it. So how can you do that to any kids, esp your own? And w/things like letting her be rude when your son is trying to talk to you, and when you are trying to
spend time w/them? You know what that's like too, and shouldn't have any problems empathizing w/the reason why you need to have healthier boundaries and make sure they feel respected and like they're easily able to get positive attention from you that isn't being interrupted by others. Though you allow it, and then when I say something about it, you fight me on it, even though you went through those same shitty experiences! So then...instead of me just being able to say "Main Rule: Empathy" and have you know exactly what I mean; that you treat the kids the way you want to be treated, and you act as the father you should've had, not the ones you got - and then you do that. Then I don't need to say a thing. Then eventually, even the rule of being empathetic is obsolete, cuz it's natural to us both. Though don't do that...and you fight for your limitations, esp any time it might require you to put the kids before your gf, and so then I have to have extra good boundaries and lay everything out in detail, which then feels like "fine print"...when actually, it's healthy boundaries that wouldn't even need to be there, if you weren't creating the need for them to be."I've been thinking about that a fair bit this morning...even while writing the earlier two posts...
It really is unfortunate and sad...that I know you know better...and you know I know that you know better...and yet you still choose to hurt the kids and me and even yourself...over having good boundaries w/the person in your life, who is causing the need for you to have boundaries, so you can see and enjoy time w/your kids, and so she'll take care of her own kids...
There are some days...recently...where I actually start to feel better about not talking to you...and pulling away...and even picturing myself as better off on my own...or better of seeking love w/someone else..even if they don't make me feel like you do when we're both in alignment...as it means much less pain...and it's much easier to love you when I'm not watching you choose immaturity, narcissism, pain, trauma, and distress over love...over your kids...over friendship...over healing...or your family...over even yourself...which is funny....cuz it is all about being selfish...what you're doing...though it's a sad and pathetic kind of selfish...where you choose ppl to be w/that you can blame for your misery...to lose yourself in...so you don't have to figure out who you really are on your own...or be accountable for how you choose to behave and who you choose to let into your life...or own how you've hurt your own kids repeatedly...as well as the few ppl who really do love you unconditionally...
I don't really like that feeling...
The feeling of feeling I can love you better when we're not talking...not seeing each other...not involved...though right now...it does feel true...and it feels better than some kind of "cut him off" sort of energy...where others would just write ppl off cuz they aren't mature or are being dicks...
It feels better to just be at a distance and have faith that the better able I am to love you...the better I am to send you healing light...and to believe in you...and to work on myself...and not get spun out by the bratting and drama going on w/you...as you go in and out - freeing yourself and then getting sucked back in....freeing yourself and then getting sucked back in...
Though I'm learning to be okay w/that...to be okay w/this blog and the voice recordings I do to release things that I want to say to you, and know now is not the time for...and w/the platonic friendships I have...and to focus on my work...and manifesting OUR house and land...and to work to meet you on the path ahead...when you are almost a totally different person...just cuz you've matured...and healed so much...and learned important lessons...including one of the most important - to love yourself for REAL...to trust yourself...so you can trust others...to really see yourself...so you can really see others...to really make commitments to yourself that you keep..so you can keep those you make to others...and also to be able to break and release contracts w/yourself that are not good for you or those you love...so you can end them w/others...and really get to LIVE your life...rather than being trapped in a world of hurt that goes on and on and on...
Regardless...that's what I'm focusing on right now...as we enter into the areas of the cycle, where you left and we didnt talk...and when you started bossing up and standing your ground w/them...and when you started being real w/me...and when you admitted that being w/me has changed you for the better...and you finding out she's broken your heart to get herself ahead...and when you said the "walls" were "painted" w/HER "emotional baggage"...and that it was why things were so awkward...when you thanked me for showing you what real maturity looks like and feels like...and actually...even all the times you've opened up to me over the past 8 months...admitting my love is so strong and real it's tangible...that you've had the songs I burned for you, stuck in your head since you had that first cabbie and non-whiskey night...and that you see how patient I am...and how much space I have ALWAYS given you...even before we were officially together...and all the times you told me how much cabbie means to you...and when you told me no one could ever replace me...and that you miss how close we use to be...and miss that...and that you want to be genuine, and vulnerable, and honest...that you're sorry for how you've been treating me and pray that I'll find a way to keep believing good things in you...and that you're going to come find me...as a gift to yourself...
I keep in my mind...in confusing times...when you're 3d self seems to be going backwards...or doing things to stay stuck...that you have said many times...that you're "almost there"...when I talk about seeing visions of you being free...being single...having your castle to yourself...many times this has happened...and many times I replay it in my mind....reminding myself...what I told you...that small steps are still steps...and they add up to big steps...
And they are...
I remind myself...you've freed yourself from her sister and her son...that was a BIG one..esp as I know you feel bad for her toddler...esp as often as she yells at and spanks him...neglects him and lets him walk through dog poop...
And somehow...I feel like you released your ex wife right before that...though I'm not sure...when you said you realized you needed this time to "release your ex's", I assumed it meant all of them...though considering your situationship at the moment...it could be either...that you included the current karmic, since she was your ex...that you kept a connection w/as a "backup plan", just like she did...and your ex wife and the others...or if you just meant your ex wife and the others...likely as the karmic had it out w/you about holding onto them...in ways I tried to, but couldn't bring myself to do, cuz I didn't want you to resent me for it...I wanted you to want to do it...to feel so good w/in us, that you release all your ex's, cuz you know you don't need them...and love picturing the future of us so much, that it fills up your cup....
Either way...I knew when you said that...before the karmic came back from the other state...that it was likely that you would give it one more "college try" - the "3rd times the charm" thing...esp as I know her kind...and I know she's been reflecting the old you...so I worked on that w/in myself that needed for you to come back "now"...or to be the kind of man who wouldn't put himself, me, or our kids through that kind of thing...or even really to put the karmic and her kids through that...cuz really, it just means greater healing for all of you, in the ways you each need...and I don't need to be in charge...or in control...I don't need to be the judge or jury or arbiter of what is the right way to do things...
I'm just another human. Healing too. Taking my own small and big steps.
And watching the stars...and the moon...and the cycles...
Listening to spirit...and your 5d self...and feeling what your 3d self feels...and pushing myself to not just "give you space"...to really "let you go"...in the sense of releasing control...in trusting in spirit...and my own intuition...cuz in trusting myself, it's actually easier to trust you...and to trust you w/o being cynical or ignoring reality...like...in the past, I might've told myself, "they'll never last, cuz they're both toxic and they'll take each other out.", which is partly true - though it's unkind, and it manifests more pain for everyone...plus it shows no faith...not in you...not in me...not in spirit...
It's different to tell myself things like, "They'll not last, cuz they're not meant too. They're meant to play out their toxicity w/each other, so they can free themselves from those trauma cycles, and see that they don't "need" external validation - that they can do it themselves and feel great about it, not scared...and once they do that, they'll start to really heal. Separately, as is meant to be." and then to have faith in that, and focus on that whenever I feel upset, distressed, or confused. Esp when I can tell one or both of you, is attempting to pull me into your drama, or are just being selfish assholes...which in the past, would've spun me into ego...and now...now it's nice...it's much easier...to appreciate that every time either of you show those sides of yourself, that the healing that's coming is going to be that much more profound...and that esp for me...every time I choose to love you both unconditionally - even when you're both being hateful, that I manifest more wonderful karma for myself and our boys...
Ironically...it's whenever you and the karmics decide to be cruel to me, our kids, their own kids, to you, to themselves, and so on...that every time I take those opportunities to love myself, our kids, their kids, you, and even them - that it actually manifests all the good and benevolent things I've been wanting...dreaming about...and working towards...making those manifestations easier...and more permanent...and more fun...it's like...at this point...go ahead - mistreat me...be a dick...be a bitch...try to entangle me...try to rile me...try to rattle my cage - cuz even if you get me to fall into my ego from time to time, and to act karmically myself...I will ALWAYS choose to come back to LOVE. To find a way to be Grateful for the blessings that come w/the contrast you and other karmics have brought me and will continue to...
Funny thing is...I can see...that if you continue to try to salvage the circus and stay in it...and avoid your healing...that spirit is going to help me manifest OUR house and land faster...not just cuz I deserve it...but also to provide you w/the contrast of seeing what happens when you CHOOSE to be good...and kind...and genuine...and the kind of person who picks up liter cuz it's it's own reward, and to be mature w/everyone, even those who don't deserve it, and to do the hard things...and make mistakes...and to grow...so you can see that you never have been like the toxic ppl in your life...they just told you that you were so often, that you started to believe it and act like it, and aggressively push away all forms of goodness, light, and love...that might cause you to question if you were really a good person or not...and so you can hear what I have been telling you...that you are good...and worthy...and worth giving up all the old known toxicity for...
That will be a great day when it comes...
