The other day...I had a total meltdown...
Though I didn't give up...not even when our youngest wanted to go out...and I was afraid I would break down and cry around him...instead...I tried something new...I told him ahead of time, that I was emotional...and grieving and missing you...and that I wanted to go to a diff park where there would be less ppl, cuz I might cry...maybe even a lot...he was so good...and agreed we could go to a different park, rather than the one he loves...and didn't get scared when I was emotional...
I even sat him down, before we went on the trail...on the same bench where you came to meet and make up w/me the first time you left us...and I told him I'm sorry for choosing a dad for him, who is capable of abandoning us the way he has...and eho could replace us like he has...and who could be mean to us the way he has....and I'm sorry that I'm not always able to hold it together...and I'm sorry if it ends up just being us...without any dad...and I'm sorry for all the times I've messed up in the past, and will mess up in the future...that I'm sorry he gets hurt in all this...and that it's all so confusing...
Tbh, I'm not sure he fully understood what I said...but he is such a great kid...he just hugged me...and waited until I was ready to walk...and then he talked w/me about what he does when he feels emotional...and how he feels good about having emotions, cuz I'm always there for him...to help him make sense of things...which is funny, cuz it made me feel good as a mom...but it also made me feel terribly lonely...cuz I don't have anyone who really can do that w/me...or even anyone I truly feel safe opening up to enough, to be that for me...I have my one gal friend who is pretty good at it...though she's usually busy w/her fam and friends and political stuff....so even w/her, I'm mostly alone in dealing w/and healing my feelings...and often, when I think about how good I feel to be there for our boys in the ways we didn't have ppl there for us, I still struggle to heal the feeling that I don't have anyone there for me like that...and extra sad that you don't want to be that person...and that even if you do, you reason that you need to be "loyal" to the circus, before you need to be even just a decent friend to me...
Though even w/in that...I am choosing to learn to become my own support...and to heal that part of me that feels "alone" when I don't have external support when I need to be emotional...and I appreciate that being entangled w/you, has gotten me to that place...cuz no one else could've inspired me to want to heal myself for real...
And being willing to face those feelings...and not hide them from our boys...or even others...and pushing myself gently, to find ways to stay...not to run...not to hide...not to fight...to surrender to the way I feel, w/o surrender my life...w/o "living" in those feelings...healing through hurting...like I did in the beginning..and in doing that, I've been able to open myself up to the idea of doing more...
Our youngest and I have been talking about doing more hiking and trails...taking the little dogs sometimes...and I'm thinking about trying that Paddle Board Yoga at the lake...esp since the gym is still closed...and then this morning...I saw myself taking our youngest in one of the canoes or on the end of the paddle board...and taking him to the middle of the lake...riding the waves from the speed boats...and seeing all the sights to see...from a whole new perspective...
It's got me thinking about what other new things there are that we can try...that don't cost much...and make wonderful memories...
