It's funny. I was just thinking earlier about what part of the cycle we're in...and how close we are to the point where you jumped into the situationship you're in, which is about the same time you'll both jump out of the situationship...and it was just after that...after our first few uncoupling sessions...when I invited you to the "not a date date lunch date", and right after, tried to see if you wanted chicken strips after I'd gone to the dollar store and saw many syncs, and bought that blew shirt that said "I'd rather be at the beach".
I found that shirt today.
It was in a pile of laundry that got "lost", cuz for whatever stupid reason, if I leave my laundry in the washer or dryer at all, it gets put in different places. I have been putting all my laundry in the bathroom for over a year, and sometimes it goes up the bedroom, sometimes to the rv, sometimes to the garage, sometimes it's left on top of the dryer, other times I have no idea where it gets sent. Which is hell on my adhd and attempts to get more organized w/chore day stuff...lol
Either way, it's amusing, cuz even w/in that annoyance, it's actually good that it happened the way it did - cuz I wouldn't have "lost" the shirt and been able to "find" it today on a whim of looking through a bag that had been brought up to the bedroom.
School is also about to start up for the boys...which should be interesting whether or not it will be in person or virtual....either way...I know you're going to be thinking about how you failed to be there for our youngest when he needed you, all cuz you were stuck up in your immaturity, thinking I just wanted to play some tit-for-tat game about if you can take her kids you can take ours too. Especially now that I've learned to do w/out you, as have our boys.
Tbh, it still breaks my heart every day to know that they just have me - and I don't always have the energy to take them out. Our oldest wanted to go to a friends in edmonds tomorrow, and I have the gas and time, but not the energy...our youngest wanted to go to the lake and the craft store today, and I barely had the energy to take him to the lake later at night. On top of that, I'm trying to work as much as possible, and build from the ground up, what I tried to do when it was us together and you constantly scattering my energy w/your fears and lack of ability to see from the higher perspective. Which I know you're seeing much better now, esp after having had to be in situationship w/a karmic whose been w/you just like you were w/me.
I also know, when you're ready to be free and then ready to be real w/me, that I'll be able to build while w/you. So I'm not worried about being "finished" before you get back, but I would like to at least have more stability w/what I'm building, then what I had before. At least the emotional stability to not be so phased and thrown off by your anxiety and trauma cycles. So that if that never changes, I can still love myself unconditionally while I love you unconditionally. Which is much of what this "moment of silence" is really about, I think. Or at least, that's what I was thinking about while I was at the lake watching our youngest swim and play in the water by himself.
I want to be able to love you even though you don't push yourself to swim w/him cuz he'd love it...not even on his bday...and I want to be able to have the energy to be the one to go out and play w/him every time, whether you do or don't. I want to be able to channel this big energy into all that needs and wants to be done, regardless of what's going on around me. Which feels in a funny way, like saying that I want to really be a Capricorn, haha. An empress who is emotionally available and stable, yet also logical and able to work on glowing up and faithful that you'll always keep up and that our cycles will always lead to healing and growth, even when it seems like it won't. To have an unfuckwithable faith in spirit, esp when it's hard to have faith in the 3d.
Anyways...I love you...
I can't wait until i can "bug" you w/pics of the kids again...and banter...and play...and see you soar on your own wings...free from being under anyones thumbs...where I know you'll really SEE me...and that w/me, you can be free...
