I know...this seems like a funny thing to be happy about...
Though it's more in the conversation that the "aha" happened, then in the actual actions...
You see...for this whole time, unless he'd had melatonin, he always got up after I turn the tv off and start to go to sleep, and goes to gma's room and sleeps in there...
I've tried many times before, to try to get him to sleep all the way through the night w/me...mostly, tbh - just to give Gma a break, and because I spent a lot of time still sleeping in the rv...cuz it's still hard to sleep in that bed w/o you...though I keep trying...w/allowances and grace for myself...for still being human...still having feelings...for still not feeling okay calling it "my room"...cuz it's not...it's not "home"...not w/o you...anyways...
Last night...me and our youngest had a convo that went something like this after the tv went off...
Him: "I'm having trouble sleeping..."
Me: "Oh yeah? Whats keeping you up?"
Him: "I don't know...I don't usually know...I just have trouble..."
Me: "Is it cuz you miss dad?"
Him: "No...I don't know..."
Me: "I still have trouble sleeping in here...it's easier when you're in here too...though even then, this bed and this room...it reminds me that I miss dad...a lot...and that he's not here...and that reminds me that he's not here for you either...and that hurts my heart...it's okay if you don't miss him, and okay if you do...I just wondered if that's why you have trouble sleeping in here the whole night..." (wow...I'm literally crying while writing this)
Him: "I do miss dad...though it's not that..."
Me: "Did that help you figure out what it is?"
Him: "Maybe...kind of...it's...it's the "3am stuff"..." (tbh, when he said that, my first thought was that 3am is the "witching hour" or also known as "witches midnight", and how interesting it is that that fits in w/his dragon dreams, and what the elders said about him....though I didn't want to assume.."
Me: "Oh...the 3am stuff huh..."
Him: "Yeah....that's when 'things' start to 'happen'..."
Me: "Oh...is this a fnaf thing?"
Him: "Yeah..."
Me: "That's okay. 3am totally is when 'things' happen...not like things in fnaf, but definitely things that can feel creepy and scary. Though I want you to know, that when you're w/me, your in the safest place in the world. Cuz for one, I scare of the scarest things...I even scare your dad, gma, gpa, and lots of ppl!" we both laugh, "And, I would wake up if anything was trying to come in here or move around."
Him: "Well...sometimes you sleep even when I make sounds..."
Me: "That doesn't mean I don't hear what you're doing....you see...when you become a mom, you get a super power...that you are always woken up whenever something happens w/your babies...even sometimes when nothing is happening, but you were just worried...I used to worry about that when you and your brother were babies...like...what if I fall asleep, and then they stop breathing and I don't hear it? Or what if the cat or dog tries to cuddle with them, and I'm too asleep to know and get the pets to move away? And then when you were in the bed, I worried about your dad or I accidentally rolling over on you...I even woke up one time when you were asleep and your dad was asleep, and he was leaning on you in a way that could've smothered you! So I moved you to the other side of you, so he'd roll on me if he rolled, and you'd be safe. I will always keep you safe."
Him: "That's so funny..."
Me: "It totally is! Though it shows what I mean. I'm here to protect you, and to make sure you make it through the night always, and that no 3am beings can get to you.... Plus, we still have Melvin the closet monster, and he does a great job of keeping away the scary stuff. That's his job."
Him: "Melvin?"
Me: "Yeah! Don't you remember him? We've had him since the blue house, before you were born even. He came when your brother was scared, so he could help keep the scary stuff away."
Him: "Oh yeah! I remember now! I think I'd like to see him sometime..."
Me: "Well, he might let you see him sometime. Though he's always been very shy, and he's like the gnomes - hard to catch so you can see him. Plus, I wouldn't want to upset him. He has an important job to protect us from the scary stuff."
Him: "I didn't think about it like that...that's true..."
Me: "Either way, you always have me to protect you, and Melvin. Plus...even when he's not here...and even when he's lost in his Spirit Sickness, your dad's higher self...his Spirit, is ALWAYS here protecting you too. And always will be."
Him: "That's true too...I can feel him sometimes..."
Me: "Me too..."
Him: "Hug?"
Me: "Of course! I love hugs from you!"
*We hug*
Me: "Feel better?"
Him: "Yeah...actually...love you mom..."
Me: "I love you too."
Then, w/in 15 minutes, he was sound asleep w/his hand wrapped around my arm.
Normally, he tosses and turns and asks for all sorts of tricks and things he can drink or take that will help him sleep in there, and then still gets up to go sleep w/gma when he can't get to sleep. This time, I woke up and he was still there. Half smiling as he slept. Looking very comfortable.
I felt proud in that moment.
Like...even though it's just me...and I have plenty of faults...that at least my prince's feel safe when they are with me....protected...loved always...and accepting of them..flaws and all...and I can do that even when I'm hurting...and worried about doing things all on my own...that felt good...
