Wednesday, May 26, 2021

Dear Cabbit...love notes before a dance..

I'm amused at my own creativity this morning.
My calendar alerted me that today is the day to start "writing love letters" to you, in preparation to go to the WC dance, so that you would have love letters to read while we were gone. 
I've decided I'm going to write some to you now, similar to this blog.
And do it as if you've been away at a dance yourself, and I've been the one at home keeping things goin.
And I'm gonna write some to myself to.
Not sure how many, but it feels fun.
And that way I can tell you about writing love letters to myself for before a dance, and tease you with my self love, lololol

Oh my.
Just had a fun vision...
Of me loving myself being like me workin on biz and getting healthy and getting house and going out for music fun, and then telling you about it.
I genuinely didn't figure you'd get as jealous about me doing well with that stuff, as you have...
I knew you'd find it attractive.
I thought about all the stories you'd tell about what you feel in love with with each karmic visitor...
And what you didn't like..
And the same about me...

You feel in love w/Feminine's who were independent, passionate, and bold.
And Feminine's who were sweet, adorable, and silly.
You want someone you feel 'like a man' with, though without trapping you into boxes of what masculinity means..
You want someone who accepted that you have many fiery aries placements and are going to have your 'moments' of bratty pechulants...lol
You want feminine who is in kitchen not cuz that's where they 'belong', but cuz that's where they love to be.
You like Feminine's who pay attention to you, and Intuit just the right way to ask you what you want...and then they remember what you wanted, so they can remind you when you forget your own heart...
You like Feminine's who are rough and tumble and can hang with the guys, yet who is never 'manlier' then you, and who exudes deeply feminine energy -- the kind of Feminine who others look at and say "what a woman!"

And what you need us a feminine who knows you'll mess up from time to time; and some of those times will be big times, and that she'll have to find ways to love herself and you, until you come back to where you always do - your heart; where you love like no other and carry planets with big oceans across great desserts just to prove to yourself that you can...

And you need a feminine who knows when you need to do things alone, and can give you space without ever giving you the idea that she's not thinking of you always.
One who can be your dance partner in any dance you pick up.
Be your prefect counterbalance in any theater character you pick up and act out..

A feminine who isn't afraid to speak up and put you in your place, in those times when your better nature gets away from you; without holding onto whatever it was that manifested such contrast.

A feminine who doesn't like fighting for fightings sake, and knows how to guide you both to mutually beneficial resolutions, without forgetting that with so much warrior energy in you; sometimes you just need a fight.
That it's not about less love or anything actually being wrong.
A feminine who falls in love with such a human 'flaw', and calls it a "perfect imperfection", as she lovingly flows with your energy until it's not fun or healing anymore - then reels you both back in from the shadows, so neither of you ever dips so far in as to not be able to come back.
Much like a good Domme leading her sub in and out of space.

You need a feminine who doesn't let you get away with minimal reciprocation.
Who reminds you how good you feel when you are in your masculine lover energy.
A feminine who knows how to say "do it like this", while showing you that you doin everythin right already.
A feminine who always puts herself first without ever putting you last, and requires you do the same.

A feminine who is good Mama.
Not just cuz your kids are you heart, but cuz you need that nurturing mama energy so so so much.
Though without the "mom" energy.
So it never gets to be "you're not my mother", or "omg! I've married my mother!" energy, lol

Your feminine must naturally know how to toe that line.
And must enjoy it.
Find it endearing; all your 'lil' sides.
And all the places lil you tangles up w/Big you.
Where the Papa in you lives.
She must honor that side of you too.

She must always honor who you've been and who you are, while always making room for who you will be - cuz you the type of creature who never stops growing.
She needs to also remember how often you forget that about you.
Which will help her stop and give you all the hugs you don't always know you need in moments when you believe you are other then you.

You need a feminine who remembers how often you feel lost, and who can see you're never really lost; you're just wandering - so she can remind you, and be like a trusted flash light in the dark.
The kind of companion who turns any 'trouble' into an adventure - a quest!

You need a feminine who cares about herself.
Her body, mind, and Spirit.
Not just cuz you find her self care very sexy; also cuz you become who you love, and when you love someone who doesn't love themselves - you stop loving yourself so much...
And often blame yourself for their sad states too...

You need a feminine who hears your heart and doesn't mind that you do most everything like a crab does...sideways and zigzags....lol
Someone who sees that you sometimes go very fast and other times go very slow.
Other times you completely jump dimensions to decades old or new timelines - to do healing you need to do.

You need a feminine who enjoys allthethings! Lol
Who is allthethings! Lol

And there's nothing wrong with that.
Cuz this Divine Feminine loves knowing there will always be growth and variety with her Divine Masculine, who is so spoiled there will never be lack of challenge to achieve with him, lolol

*Sigh*
I know you're not far.
It's just as clear in the stars as it is in your eyes when I see you.

I look forward to sitting at our Sunday table in our farm house, drinking coffee and oj, telling tall tales about "dance of coming together", and all the things we learned and chose to become, that lead us to such beautiful moments.
Where we can let the kids sleep in, before having some kind of "churching" with them.
Likely quads, music, and gardening, lol

Always yours you silly goof,
Madame Goddess Lady Bunny Rose 😜






Monday, May 24, 2021

Dear Cabbit...if boys stay...

Song: "Smile" by NKC

Been thinkin bout your joke.
Bout our oldest likely living in my basement as he gets older.

I know most of that is from your resentment about the visitors oldest boy; who is now adult, and currently has no intention to work or get license or enjoy freedoms that come with adultin...
And also cuz of how long I've relied on my parents...

I think it's more about the situationshit over there though..
I see visions of you 'getting it'...
Putting together breadcrumbs and eggs..
Seeing the distraction chickens and purple ducks...
Seeing what I saw from early on..
That you saw too..

That you were determined to change the reality of, in some way that didn't equal any "told ya so's"...

I was listening to a reading from one of the few I still listen to when they post.
I was genuinely not expecting her to say she was channeling a DM who left to prove a point, and when he found himself in the very mess that his DF had been upset about...he stayed away cuz of his pride...cuz he didn't want to be told "told ya so"....and then his loving DF tried to warn him with her Intuitive powers...
Which she did again and again..
And then she stopped...
Cuz although he heard her...
It only poked at his pride more...
Cuz every time she spoke the future..
It manifested..
Almost exactly as she said it would..
And each time that happened..
Her DM would get mad at her for being right...
Until he wasn't mad at her anymore..
And instead...
Was sad...
Cuz he finally saw..
Over time..
That she hadn't been telling him to try to gain favor or take advantage like everyone else...
She just loves him...
And genuinely wanted to help him avoid the very pain that kept him from going all the way with her....no matter how much he wanted to...
And seeing that, he then still held back..
Because he FELT the weight of what he'd really done..
Of who he'd let himself become...
All just to avoid reliving one moment in time...
When he tried to be loyal to a karmic ex wife who rejected him badly when he did...

I remember those days...
I'm not sure if you do yet..
Maybe that's why I'm thinking of them..
The days after she told you "told you so"...
I was there...
Holding you...
Listening to you...
I know the story so well..
Cuz I was in it..
I was there...
As the one helping you heal..

You had options then too...
And you tried them too...
Drinking and drugs...
Friends and family..
And then you remembered me..
That was in your lynden apartment..
Probably several months after it happened..
After you'd started coming to your sisters to see our first born and feel things out with me..
I remember you trying to be kinky, and then going to a sad place...
Which is where you were most of the time back then...

It's funny to say...
But you're really really beautiful when you're sad, lol
Like, not depressed or actively hurting.
Idk how to describe it.
Esp as, I don't like seeing you sad.
No matter how beautiful.
And that rubs up against the part of me that sees the deep beauty in your sad squishy energy....lol

Either way..
I remember...

It reminds me of what you said for a while, about how you missed the me who used to listen to you...
And you loved that...
Cuz no one else seemed to really listen to you..

Feels like my listening was like your hugs..
One in a million...
Cuz you can talk to a million ppl; some of whom might even be quiet and just let you talk....though there's something about that one person...who listens in ways no one else does...whether they're quiet or not...
I'm gonna send that to you in a bit I think..

I'm doing my best not to send you a bunch of texts right now, cuz you said you were up all night before taking our youngest to school today, and really needed a nap so you could come back later and play with our boys as you've so wonderfully been doing for coming on 4 weeks 🥰
Though it feels like that one is just right to send in this in-between...
As I think about your energy when you showed up today..
It felt like the song "smile" that for whatever reason I've been listening to on repeat.
Just hit it again, and I know I've heard played it at least 20 times.
It's not a very long song, lol

I see your eyes..
Deep and blue...
And the way you sat...
A little leaned forward at the shoulders..
Like you finally put down a great weight you've been carrying for very long time..
The vision I get..
The feeling too...
Is when I had final fight with DP, and he told me I should just run off to you, cuz he knew you were who I really loved all along anyways..
Which now that I think about it, your sisters friend AS, did to me when she blew up our friendship in a spinout, lol
Not the exact same way, but all same energy.
It's like ppl see how I love you, and they get envious of it...
And they want me to love them that way..
Thinking that you're all just bad behavior and snark, and that I just love that sort of thing, which means I should be able to love them no matter what and just give of myself to them endlessly, cuz that's what they think happens with you...
When the reality is that even with the bad you have done, you've not ever done the things to me that they have...
And I'm not promiscuous; either in energy or in 3d.
I know I have come off that way; part of which was intentional cuz I thought that was the only way I'd get affection.
Though the rest was simply cuz ppl saw my codependent side, and like...translated that into meaning I was just a giver who'd give to anyone who gave me "more" then they thought you were giving me.
They never seemed to realize, my love for you was never based on what you did for me or gave to me.
Heck, you couldn't do or give me anything when we met - in 3d.
You had no money.
I brought money, smokes, adventures, fun, and understanding.
That doesn't mean you brought nothing though.
You brought me you.
And that meant more to me then anything you could've given me.
You were present.
You wanted to hear about my family and friends and thoughts about things.
You wanted to sit with me..
You wanted to lick me...lol
And you wanted to tell everyone about it!
You trusted me...
You liked my cheesy romantics..
You loved the way I loved you..
You tested to see if it was genuine..
And then you cared..
About my future..
And my innocence...
That touched every part of my heart..
In ways no one else yet has...
My friend RL has gotten close.
And I really needed that during this time.
For someone to get close.
Because they wanted to.
And because I let them.
Like I let you...

I feel the way you felt...
When you asked me about if I could get our youngest after school..
It felt close to energy of when you left..
With just a few texts..
"You got the boys?"
And when I said yes and asked how long you'd be gone..
And all you said was "I just need space from you"...
Feels like there might be another moment similar to that coming...
A few actually..
Though it won't be you asking me to do all for boys and myself while you find "space"..
It'll be more like you saying you need space from visitor to visitor...
And with me, will say something similar to when you asked if I could forgive you for taking space...
And begged me to keep thinking good things about you...
Which I never stopped doing...

I listened to you...
I always listen to you..
When it's really you...
The you who already told me you felt stuck and trapped...
The you who told me he was afraid of "I told you so"...
The you who told my friend that our relationship is "surreal", and thanked her for her kindness in reaching out to you, when she didn't have to..
Showing me you now feel how much I care about you when you left...and how neither visitor or supposed friends of yours, is doin anything to make sure you not gonna hurt yourself either accidentally or on purpose..
That no one asking how you feelin..
No one fighting with you to come back..
No one askin you to come home..
No one saying you are they home..
Only me...
I'm the only one who asked you to..
The only one who cared enough to look out for you..
It feels like at that time, you knew it was genuine care but were filled with piss and vinegar, so in your ego you got mad and thought I was spying and digging and hurting someone who didn't deserve it, and just trying to mess with you head like others had.
And now you're seein...
Like you started to when she took your side of the bed...
And when no one wanted take off your shoes..
And when she no do French toast breakfasts..
Either at BI or at home..
Like you started see more...on vday last year..
And your bday..
And 4th of July..
And Thanksgiving..
And Xmas..
And new years...
And probably your mamas bday this year..
And vday this year...
And Mama's Day this year..
And in all the stuff goin on with your mama..

It feels like you really seeing all I did...
In the absence of it...
Which makes it stick out like lightning...
Cuz you going through same stuff with visitor as did with karmic ex...
And somewhat with me..
And she not care to care for you...
Just as karmic ex wife didn't...
As no one is..
Except me..
Or at least, that feels like how you feelin about it...
I can see others caring about you..
Finding ways to show you...
They just doin it in ways you do it..
Ambiguous..
Mixed signals..
Though it's clear to me..

Though it feels like Spirit needed you to not see what they doin for a while..
To see yourself..
And see me..
To feel the contrast of someone who has always cared...
Like the card RL pulled for me..
That talked about the Man who realized the woman he loved and had pushed away, had been hurting herself to help him all along and he didn't see it...
It feels like that...
Like you feeling all I've done..
All that you tried convince yourself was just a trick of some kind...
And your now seeing...
I trusted my intuition..
And followed my heart...
And because I did...
You're now set up to see it..
How I've always been there...
How I always do the right thing even when it's hard..
Well...most of the time anyways 😝

It feels like you also seeing..
I helped you see what you needed to see..
And go through what you needed to..
To help you heal the things that have been holding you back since before us...
And be in a place now..
Where you can be sad..
And it won't eat you..
Not like before...

Esp as..
I keep seeing flashes of you sayin she's hardly ever home...
Always takin her kids out..
Which is a funny reflection of what my mom has been saying about me, huh?
I didn't even think of that as a sign until now.
Though it is.
And it's another moment that shows you what I said; about visitor being 'old me'.
Cuz you do see the pics every day of how much I am at yellow house with boys.
And you know I'm not out fucking around in ways visitor is.
I'm genuinely working; either on biz or on dd.
You know me.
And you see reflection now.
I bet you seein about her, what I noticed about the karmics I called in when I was hurt by you keeping options and emotionally cheating..
That they were all like you..
And that I didn't want any of them..
I wanted you back..
The real you...
Feels like you seeing that about what you did and who you picked...
And going through what I did when I released them, and showed you..

Hmm...
My mind travels back to what I started this blog about..
With your joke from last week, about our oldest living in basement as adult...
I know most of that is from pain of feeling like you tried everything to make things work with visitor and her kids..
When you now seeing that her oldest didn't work or help, mostly cuz she communicated to him that it was okay to just ignore you and use you..
Like you feared I told our kids to do...
More karma that I didn't think about into just now...
Feels like energy of when we had the "not a date lunch date" at BI, and you told me you knew they were just using you.

Either way, when I think about our boys maybe living with us or just me, as adults; I don't see that as a bad thing.
I want to see them get out and enjoy life and adulting and all the things.
Though if they were doing all that and still living with us or me, what's wrong with that?
Life could be worse then getting to spend it with your kids and the adventures they get into, you know?

Though something tells me, esp with all the time you've talked about how you know our kids aren't afraid to work..
And him talking about wanting a job.
And telling you he doesn't want big gifts if it doesn't come with your love.
And me telling you about all he does.
And all the focus all year on how he loves you and misses you and wants you love...

That's such a contrast to all visitors kids just wanting your money and stuff, eh?

Morning thoughts..
Hmm...


Thursday, May 20, 2021

Dear Cabbit... careful...Cabbie falls in love easily...

There are so many energies rn...
The convos about polyam..
And the song by H.R.
And the doodles..
And the "she took my side of the bed"..
And "I don't want it to fade like it did with my parents..."
And "careful...Cabbie falls in love easily.."

It feels like..
Lots of feels..
Papa feels..

Saturday, May 8, 2021

Dear Cabbit....the beginning...

It's funny..
The memories that float in between the visions and gnowings and thoughts..
More and more lately..
I find myself lost in memories of when we met..
That first glance and smirk..
First joke and bluff calling..
First kiss..
First intimate touch..
The first house I put you up in, lol.

That leads me into thoughts of all the other "firsts" we've shared...
And all the days we turned from sad days, to happy ones..
All the new memories we've made in old places..

And how everything that's happening now..
Is going to enhance all of that..
When the time is divine...of course...lol

Dear Cabbit....how could you think I'd be...

Listening to a song called "Friend" by Gracie Adams.

The song feels like it's about a woman who really really loved (or loves) someone who hurt her deeply and then ran away.
Then that ex wants to be "friends".
The song came into the radio about the time you sent me that text saying you "finally" knew what you wanted, and that you most def wanted to be "warm friends", and most certainly didn't want to be "enemies".

Which was sent right after your response to me asking if you'd FINALLY be happy if I just gave you the kids and left the state. If that will be far enough away for you to stop thinking I was trying to control you.

Funny.
Just realized in this moment, that is energy we just went through again; in an evolved way...
An "uplevel recycle".
Actually, it feels it the 3rd time.

The first time, I was "trying to control" you by asking you to see the kids and to be forward with what went on at your house when the boys were there...
Then it was me being "controlling" by allowing ppl to tell me about your visitors, and then warning you of what I found; cuz it wasn't good, and you confirmed that when you later told me you wished you would've listened to me (a wish that's going to keep coming until you actually do listen, lol).
The next time was when I told you that you had to be kind to the kids, feed them regularly, and have healthy boundaries around them that all other adults around them have to have too.

This the was you accusing me of being controlling for allowing our youngest to say he wanted you to say sorry to our oldest in order for you to come over and see him, and requiring that you communicate with me about parental stuff and don't attempt that bs "divide and conquer" stuff.
Which, thankfully, won't ever happen anyways, cuz of how close the boys and I are.
Thankyou Spirit for that.

Actually, thankyou to you and all visitors too.
That's real and it's permanent.
Unfuckwithable.

Anyways...
The song...
"friend"...

I used to turn it off when it would come on.
I don't anymore.
I think about it's many meanings that it's had for me throughout the year.

The biggest two that come up: 
1. How could you think you could just stay friends with me, when you picked someone to cohabitat with, who is volcano level insecure and from the ilk of women you said you can't stand, cuz they castrate you and take away all your freedom.
The very women that traumatized you so much that you punished *me* for it, and still do - going on our 20th year 😞

2. How could you think you could just stay friends with me; you feel in love with me because I was your lover AND best friend. 
And hell, there were plenty of times throughout this year, that I did play along with your pretendings, and was being perfectly respectful and social and such, and YOU turned it into a festival of your squishes about us.
That was with us being ONLY friends.
And that was YOU falling in love with me over and over.
You couldn't be "just friends" with me if your life depended on it, and even moreso; everyone can see that, which just heightens number 1, lol
Pffffft.
Just be my friend and not fall in love with me.
Not remember how good you had it.
How I spoiled you.
How much fun we had...
Still do have..
When you're not letting yourself be controlled by everyone but you...

3. How could you think I wouldn't fight for you for forever?
Yes. I could be just friends. 
I know I've proven that. 
Though you know me VERY well.
You know I'm epically romantic.
You know I love you unconditionally.
You know I'm sassy, tenacious, Intuitive, extremely intelligent, and I'm not intimidated by much.
So even if you didn't know that when I want something, I get it...you would know all the rest, and it would a "duh" moment when you'd realize now, what you were surprised by all this time...
That I fought for you.
And I fought fair and respectfully.

Hell, can you imagine if I'd fought dirty? 😂
I know so much, and I didn't even try to romance you once, lol

I did get close with last year's Valentine's gift.
Though that was so low key for me, and you are the person who knows that best, lol.

In fact.
I bet you were surprised by that.
That I didn't spend more time trying to romance you, and really throwing myself into it like I used to...

Funny thing is, even with what I did do that could be qualified as "making moves", I genuinely did just spend most of the year learning.
About myself.
About you.
About your visitors.
About my friends and clients.
Our families and stuff.
That wasn't what I set out to do.
It just kind of became what I did do, in my efforts to continue "releasing control", and releasing attachment traumas.

When you cease controlling very few things or ppl around you; including yourself, you mostly just observe things.

Almost makes me feel like Maverick, when he told the table to get real, and recognize he was learning everyone's tells for the first hour he promised to "lose".
Except the cool part, is that I didn't really realize I was doing that, and certainly didn't have any intention of being able to use any of the data except for writing future "based on true stories" kind of romcom fiction, lol

And now I find myself a "cycle keeper" of sorts.
Which has helped a lot of ppl actually.
Go figure.

Funny huh?
I still giggle at how many times you thought I was genuinely trying to interfere.
Most of the time, I was just squishy.
Caught up in emoceans about us, and about the horrifying situation you got yourself into.

The rest of the time, I was just learning to practice healthier boundaries, which crashed right up against your entitled ego and bratty nature.

Which, I'm really glad about actually.
After having to get to a place of such unfuckwithable self trust and faith in you, and what little time dipping I did into the dating world, I'll never have another huge problem setting a boundary with a lover - least of all you, and least of all when it comes to anything about the kids.

Funny.
That makes #4. "How could you think we could just be friends", when you know I value honor, integrity, honesty, kindness, and reference for all living creatures?
With who you picked to be "closest" to you - both in terms of partners and friends..
I mean, even those of them that aren't cheating you out of things andor cheating on their spouses, are certainly not interested in "doing the right thing even when no one is looking, just because it's the right thing to do".
Hell, even your bosses don't seem to care about having some genuine honor and empathy.
How could you think that would've ever worked?
You know all your "options" would laugh off any effort just to get them to be "kind", let alone any of the rest, and you knew I would grow in my self love and get even more into "high caliber" energies.

Even if you and I could be just friends without constantly falling in love with each other, there's no way that wouldn't pull you apart at the seams - as it seems to have done.

*Sigh*
Interesting to see where things sit.









Dear Cabbit.....weird because it's...

That's the energy of things right now.
The "thread" as we've been calling them.

Things that are "weird" because they are "real", and things that are "weird" because they "aren't real".

I was talking with one of my favorite 6 type friends who speaks much in a similar language and energy as you, when you're just being yourself.
She and I were making a 'notable note' (another term becoming normal, lol) about how...once you can tell that something is weird because it isnt real...then you can tell when something is weird because it is real...and then that makes the things that are weird because they aren't real, stand out even more then before.
It gives the "isn't real" stuff a "sticky edge".
And the "is real" stuff a soft feather glow..

They often run together too.
Which makes it useful to be able to discern the truth of things...

Like when someone shares half truths.
Which sometimes we do because we think we have to, cuz it feels like the only action the receiver will accept from the speaker.

Other times because we're scared to really be "seen" for who we really are; esp in moments our "flaws" might come on display...

It was an interesting conversation to have.

Looking forward to when you get to meet her and hang out with all of us.
I know in so many ways, it'll heal your feminine wounds so so much.



Friday, May 7, 2021

Dear Cabbit....freedom rising...

It's funny...
So many of the things that happened when you first left, that scared me deeply...
Are now many of the things I find feel most exciting...
Most esp these strange moments of silence...
Esp when nearly EVERYONE is silent...

It's like I've found a piece of the "no time" place...where everyone's going through sped up healings...
And when rendezvous start happening again...
It'll be glorious...lol

Wednesday, May 5, 2021

Dear Cabbit...happy anniversary...

It's 10:42
On "5/5/5"; 5/5/2021
Our 15th anniversary.
I find no coincidence in that the day equals 15, and the anniversary number is 15.
There's lots of Heirophant, Devil & Lovers energy in all of it.

I know part of it is you feeling all the feels of not having anyone keep track of or put any effort into celebrating your special days with you...
And something to do with how I handled your request for help when you found Dusty...

It also has to do with all the "truth energy" and accountability going around with everyone.

Idk.
It's still early.
I'm gonna enjoy this day no matter what, including by celebrating our love.
So it'll be interesting to see what bonuses you bring to that, either today between the two of us; or that you'll tell me about later when it is revealed what karma got worked out today that lead you back to your heart...

Saturday, May 1, 2021

Dear Cabbit....follow the music...

 I'm not sure how to describe what I feel...sense...or see...

Something about...

Lead the way...with music...

Though not exactly the same way as before...

It also feels like a mix of the energy of "make him jealous"..

But evolved...

Envy...though the positive side of it...

Like...if you could see me...rising up for music...

And still carrying my tarotstrology biz...and the kids...

Then maybe you would see that you can do so much more...

There's also a ton of jokes about manifesting some of your favorite musicians to sing with...

Which feels like in your kinky mind, it would translate to "be with"...

So silly...

Funny enough...

Whether just to create award winning albums...or more...

It feels like its almost not enough of a challenge...

Not after you...lol

We'll see...I spose...