Song: "Smile" by NKC
Bout our oldest likely living in my basement as he gets older.
I know most of that is from your resentment about the visitors oldest boy; who is now adult, and currently has no intention to work or get license or enjoy freedoms that come with adultin...
And also cuz of how long I've relied on my parents...
I think it's more about the situationshit over there though..
I see visions of you 'getting it'...
Putting together breadcrumbs and eggs..
Seeing the distraction chickens and purple ducks...
Seeing what I saw from early on..
That you saw too..
That you were determined to change the reality of, in some way that didn't equal any "told ya so's"...
I was listening to a reading from one of the few I still listen to when they post.
I was genuinely not expecting her to say she was channeling a DM who left to prove a point, and when he found himself in the very mess that his DF had been upset about...he stayed away cuz of his pride...cuz he didn't want to be told "told ya so"....and then his loving DF tried to warn him with her Intuitive powers...
Which she did again and again..
And then she stopped...
Cuz although he heard her...
It only poked at his pride more...
Cuz every time she spoke the future..
It manifested..
Almost exactly as she said it would..
And each time that happened..
Her DM would get mad at her for being right...
Until he wasn't mad at her anymore..
And instead...
Was sad...
Cuz he finally saw..
Over time..
That she hadn't been telling him to try to gain favor or take advantage like everyone else...
She just loves him...
And genuinely wanted to help him avoid the very pain that kept him from going all the way with her....no matter how much he wanted to...
And seeing that, he then still held back..
Because he FELT the weight of what he'd really done..
Of who he'd let himself become...
All just to avoid reliving one moment in time...
When he tried to be loyal to a karmic ex wife who rejected him badly when he did...
I remember those days...
I'm not sure if you do yet..
Maybe that's why I'm thinking of them..
The days after she told you "told you so"...
I was there...
Holding you...
Listening to you...
I know the story so well..
Cuz I was in it..
I was there...
As the one helping you heal..
You had options then too...
And you tried them too...
Drinking and drugs...
Friends and family..
And then you remembered me..
That was in your lynden apartment..
Probably several months after it happened..
After you'd started coming to your sisters to see our first born and feel things out with me..
I remember you trying to be kinky, and then going to a sad place...
Which is where you were most of the time back then...
It's funny to say...
But you're really really beautiful when you're sad, lol
Like, not depressed or actively hurting.
Idk how to describe it.
Esp as, I don't like seeing you sad.
No matter how beautiful.
And that rubs up against the part of me that sees the deep beauty in your sad squishy energy....lol
Either way..
I remember...
It reminds me of what you said for a while, about how you missed the me who used to listen to you...
And you loved that...
Cuz no one else seemed to really listen to you..
Feels like my listening was like your hugs..
One in a million...
Cuz you can talk to a million ppl; some of whom might even be quiet and just let you talk....though there's something about that one person...who listens in ways no one else does...whether they're quiet or not...
I'm gonna send that to you in a bit I think..
I'm doing my best not to send you a bunch of texts right now, cuz you said you were up all night before taking our youngest to school today, and really needed a nap so you could come back later and play with our boys as you've so wonderfully been doing for coming on 4 weeks 🥰
Though it feels like that one is just right to send in this in-between...
As I think about your energy when you showed up today..
It felt like the song "smile" that for whatever reason I've been listening to on repeat.
Just hit it again, and I know I've heard played it at least 20 times.
It's not a very long song, lol
I see your eyes..
Deep and blue...
And the way you sat...
A little leaned forward at the shoulders..
Like you finally put down a great weight you've been carrying for very long time..
The vision I get..
The feeling too...
Is when I had final fight with DP, and he told me I should just run off to you, cuz he knew you were who I really loved all along anyways..
Which now that I think about it, your sisters friend AS, did to me when she blew up our friendship in a spinout, lol
Not the exact same way, but all same energy.
It's like ppl see how I love you, and they get envious of it...
And they want me to love them that way..
Thinking that you're all just bad behavior and snark, and that I just love that sort of thing, which means I should be able to love them no matter what and just give of myself to them endlessly, cuz that's what they think happens with you...
When the reality is that even with the bad you have done, you've not ever done the things to me that they have...
And I'm not promiscuous; either in energy or in 3d.
I know I have come off that way; part of which was intentional cuz I thought that was the only way I'd get affection.
Though the rest was simply cuz ppl saw my codependent side, and like...translated that into meaning I was just a giver who'd give to anyone who gave me "more" then they thought you were giving me.
They never seemed to realize, my love for you was never based on what you did for me or gave to me.
Heck, you couldn't do or give me anything when we met - in 3d.
You had no money.
I brought money, smokes, adventures, fun, and understanding.
That doesn't mean you brought nothing though.
You brought me you.
And that meant more to me then anything you could've given me.
You were present.
You wanted to hear about my family and friends and thoughts about things.
You wanted to sit with me..
You wanted to lick me...lol
And you wanted to tell everyone about it!
You trusted me...
You liked my cheesy romantics..
You loved the way I loved you..
You tested to see if it was genuine..
And then you cared..
About my future..
And my innocence...
That touched every part of my heart..
In ways no one else yet has...
My friend RL has gotten close.
And I really needed that during this time.
For someone to get close.
Because they wanted to.
And because I let them.
Like I let you...
I feel the way you felt...
When you asked me about if I could get our youngest after school..
It felt close to energy of when you left..
With just a few texts..
"You got the boys?"
And when I said yes and asked how long you'd be gone..
And all you said was "I just need space from you"...
Feels like there might be another moment similar to that coming...
A few actually..
Though it won't be you asking me to do all for boys and myself while you find "space"..
It'll be more like you saying you need space from visitor to visitor...
And with me, will say something similar to when you asked if I could forgive you for taking space...
And begged me to keep thinking good things about you...
Which I never stopped doing...
I listened to you...
I always listen to you..
When it's really you...
The you who already told me you felt stuck and trapped...
The you who told me he was afraid of "I told you so"...
The you who told my friend that our relationship is "surreal", and thanked her for her kindness in reaching out to you, when she didn't have to..
Showing me you now feel how much I care about you when you left...and how neither visitor or supposed friends of yours, is doin anything to make sure you not gonna hurt yourself either accidentally or on purpose..
That no one asking how you feelin..
No one fighting with you to come back..
No one askin you to come home..
No one saying you are they home..
Only me...
I'm the only one who asked you to..
The only one who cared enough to look out for you..
It feels like at that time, you knew it was genuine care but were filled with piss and vinegar, so in your ego you got mad and thought I was spying and digging and hurting someone who didn't deserve it, and just trying to mess with you head like others had.
And now you're seein...
Like you started to when she took your side of the bed...
And when no one wanted take off your shoes..
And when she no do French toast breakfasts..
Either at BI or at home..
Like you started see more...on vday last year..
And your bday..
And 4th of July..
And Thanksgiving..
And Xmas..
And new years...
And probably your mamas bday this year..
And vday this year...
And Mama's Day this year..
And in all the stuff goin on with your mama..
It feels like you really seeing all I did...
In the absence of it...
Which makes it stick out like lightning...
Cuz you going through same stuff with visitor as did with karmic ex...
And somewhat with me..
And she not care to care for you...
Just as karmic ex wife didn't...
As no one is..
Except me..
Or at least, that feels like how you feelin about it...
I can see others caring about you..
Finding ways to show you...
They just doin it in ways you do it..
Ambiguous..
Mixed signals..
Though it's clear to me..
Though it feels like Spirit needed you to not see what they doin for a while..
To see yourself..
And see me..
To feel the contrast of someone who has always cared...
Like the card RL pulled for me..
That talked about the Man who realized the woman he loved and had pushed away, had been hurting herself to help him all along and he didn't see it...
It feels like that...
Like you feeling all I've done..
All that you tried convince yourself was just a trick of some kind...
And your now seeing...
I trusted my intuition..
And followed my heart...
And because I did...
You're now set up to see it..
How I've always been there...
How I always do the right thing even when it's hard..
Well...most of the time anyways 😝
It feels like you also seeing..
I helped you see what you needed to see..
And go through what you needed to..
To help you heal the things that have been holding you back since before us...
And be in a place now..
Where you can be sad..
And it won't eat you..
Not like before...
Esp as..
I keep seeing flashes of you sayin she's hardly ever home...
Always takin her kids out..
Which is a funny reflection of what my mom has been saying about me, huh?
I didn't even think of that as a sign until now.
Though it is.
And it's another moment that shows you what I said; about visitor being 'old me'.
Cuz you do see the pics every day of how much I am at yellow house with boys.
And you know I'm not out fucking around in ways visitor is.
I'm genuinely working; either on biz or on dd.
You know me.
And you see reflection now.
I bet you seein about her, what I noticed about the karmics I called in when I was hurt by you keeping options and emotionally cheating..
That they were all like you..
And that I didn't want any of them..
I wanted you back..
The real you...
Feels like you seeing that about what you did and who you picked...
And going through what I did when I released them, and showed you..
Hmm...
My mind travels back to what I started this blog about..
With your joke from last week, about our oldest living in basement as adult...
I know most of that is from pain of feeling like you tried everything to make things work with visitor and her kids..
When you now seeing that her oldest didn't work or help, mostly cuz she communicated to him that it was okay to just ignore you and use you..
Like you feared I told our kids to do...
More karma that I didn't think about into just now...
Feels like energy of when we had the "not a date lunch date" at BI, and you told me you knew they were just using you.
Either way, when I think about our boys maybe living with us or just me, as adults; I don't see that as a bad thing.
I want to see them get out and enjoy life and adulting and all the things.
Though if they were doing all that and still living with us or me, what's wrong with that?
Life could be worse then getting to spend it with your kids and the adventures they get into, you know?
Though something tells me, esp with all the time you've talked about how you know our kids aren't afraid to work..
And him talking about wanting a job.
And telling you he doesn't want big gifts if it doesn't come with your love.
And me telling you about all he does.
And all the focus all year on how he loves you and misses you and wants you love...
That's such a contrast to all visitors kids just wanting your money and stuff, eh?
Morning thoughts..
Hmm...
