The song feels like it's about a woman who really really loved (or loves) someone who hurt her deeply and then ran away.
Then that ex wants to be "friends".
The song came into the radio about the time you sent me that text saying you "finally" knew what you wanted, and that you most def wanted to be "warm friends", and most certainly didn't want to be "enemies".
Which was sent right after your response to me asking if you'd FINALLY be happy if I just gave you the kids and left the state. If that will be far enough away for you to stop thinking I was trying to control you.
Funny.
Just realized in this moment, that is energy we just went through again; in an evolved way...
An "uplevel recycle".
Actually, it feels it the 3rd time.
The first time, I was "trying to control" you by asking you to see the kids and to be forward with what went on at your house when the boys were there...
Then it was me being "controlling" by allowing ppl to tell me about your visitors, and then warning you of what I found; cuz it wasn't good, and you confirmed that when you later told me you wished you would've listened to me (a wish that's going to keep coming until you actually do listen, lol).
The next time was when I told you that you had to be kind to the kids, feed them regularly, and have healthy boundaries around them that all other adults around them have to have too.
This the was you accusing me of being controlling for allowing our youngest to say he wanted you to say sorry to our oldest in order for you to come over and see him, and requiring that you communicate with me about parental stuff and don't attempt that bs "divide and conquer" stuff.
Which, thankfully, won't ever happen anyways, cuz of how close the boys and I are.
Thankyou Spirit for that.
Actually, thankyou to you and all visitors too.
That's real and it's permanent.
Unfuckwithable.
Anyways...
The song...
"friend"...
I used to turn it off when it would come on.
I don't anymore.
I think about it's many meanings that it's had for me throughout the year.
The biggest two that come up:
1. How could you think you could just stay friends with me, when you picked someone to cohabitat with, who is volcano level insecure and from the ilk of women you said you can't stand, cuz they castrate you and take away all your freedom.
The very women that traumatized you so much that you punished *me* for it, and still do - going on our 20th year 😞
2. How could you think you could just stay friends with me; you feel in love with me because I was your lover AND best friend.
And hell, there were plenty of times throughout this year, that I did play along with your pretendings, and was being perfectly respectful and social and such, and YOU turned it into a festival of your squishes about us.
That was with us being ONLY friends.
And that was YOU falling in love with me over and over.
You couldn't be "just friends" with me if your life depended on it, and even moreso; everyone can see that, which just heightens number 1, lol
Pffffft.
Just be my friend and not fall in love with me.
Not remember how good you had it.
How I spoiled you.
How much fun we had...
Still do have..
When you're not letting yourself be controlled by everyone but you...
3. How could you think I wouldn't fight for you for forever?
Yes. I could be just friends.
I know I've proven that.
Though you know me VERY well.
You know I'm epically romantic.
You know I love you unconditionally.
You know I'm sassy, tenacious, Intuitive, extremely intelligent, and I'm not intimidated by much.
So even if you didn't know that when I want something, I get it...you would know all the rest, and it would a "duh" moment when you'd realize now, what you were surprised by all this time...
That I fought for you.
And I fought fair and respectfully.
Hell, can you imagine if I'd fought dirty? 😂
I know so much, and I didn't even try to romance you once, lol
I did get close with last year's Valentine's gift.
Though that was so low key for me, and you are the person who knows that best, lol.
In fact.
I bet you were surprised by that.
That I didn't spend more time trying to romance you, and really throwing myself into it like I used to...
Funny thing is, even with what I did do that could be qualified as "making moves", I genuinely did just spend most of the year learning.
About myself.
About you.
About your visitors.
About my friends and clients.
Our families and stuff.
That wasn't what I set out to do.
It just kind of became what I did do, in my efforts to continue "releasing control", and releasing attachment traumas.
When you cease controlling very few things or ppl around you; including yourself, you mostly just observe things.
Almost makes me feel like Maverick, when he told the table to get real, and recognize he was learning everyone's tells for the first hour he promised to "lose".
Except the cool part, is that I didn't really realize I was doing that, and certainly didn't have any intention of being able to use any of the data except for writing future "based on true stories" kind of romcom fiction, lol
And now I find myself a "cycle keeper" of sorts.
Which has helped a lot of ppl actually.
Go figure.
Funny huh?
I still giggle at how many times you thought I was genuinely trying to interfere.
Most of the time, I was just squishy.
Caught up in emoceans about us, and about the horrifying situation you got yourself into.
The rest of the time, I was just learning to practice healthier boundaries, which crashed right up against your entitled ego and bratty nature.
Which, I'm really glad about actually.
After having to get to a place of such unfuckwithable self trust and faith in you, and what little time dipping I did into the dating world, I'll never have another huge problem setting a boundary with a lover - least of all you, and least of all when it comes to anything about the kids.
Funny.
That makes #4. "How could you think we could just be friends", when you know I value honor, integrity, honesty, kindness, and reference for all living creatures?
With who you picked to be "closest" to you - both in terms of partners and friends..
I mean, even those of them that aren't cheating you out of things andor cheating on their spouses, are certainly not interested in "doing the right thing even when no one is looking, just because it's the right thing to do".
Hell, even your bosses don't seem to care about having some genuine honor and empathy.
How could you think that would've ever worked?
You know all your "options" would laugh off any effort just to get them to be "kind", let alone any of the rest, and you knew I would grow in my self love and get even more into "high caliber" energies.
Even if you and I could be just friends without constantly falling in love with each other, there's no way that wouldn't pull you apart at the seams - as it seems to have done.
*Sigh*
Interesting to see where things sit.
