Dear Cabbit...You have the kids...be good to them...

Yesterday I decided to follow my intuition and reverse track on the ways you've been treating seeing the kids. Rather than waiting for you to get up the gumption to do more with them, come see them more, and to have them come over - I asked you to come pick them up and asked how you felt about having them for the summer.

I absolutely still don't trust you, nor anyone in your karmic circus.

Dear Cabbit....Spirit says it's time for you to experience life without me for a while...

I wish words "worked" with you.
You told me the other day that "words don't work" with your rebounds circus.
The words ring through my mind all day, whenever I think about anything I could say to you, that might get you to understand how messed up it is that you treat the kids the way you do.
That you put yourself and your replacement family before them always...
Especially after you never put them first when you were here and we were a whole family...
On top of which, you do all the things with your rebounds kids that you seem to see no value in doing with your own...

Dear Cabbit... I wish you knew how lonely I feel...

I wish I could tell you how lonely i feel...

Or how unappealing all the guys are on the dating apps...cuz any of the ones I like...remind me of you...

I wish I could tell you how upset I am..

That we're in this position because you're so afraid to be alone, you're staying in a toxic relationship and living arrangement that is contributing to tearing apart you're whole life...your relationship with our kids...our friendship...

How much I detest that you use your karmic circus as an excuse for your actions and lack of accountability...it really is gross, you know?

I wish I could tell you... everyday..

I love you...

I miss you...

I believe in you...

I'm scared for you...

I'm confused...

I'm feeling neglected...

I'm angry...

I see you...

Pulling away..

Then coming closer...

As you're less and less able to pretend you're just fine in the circus you're in...

I keep my mind focused on healthy us in a healthy future union, when I find myself getting onto thoughts like those above...

Which works most of the time..

Only becoming tough when I know you're in distress; esp when you take that out on me - even just by distancing...

Suppose I'll figure that out on my own too..

Comforting myself by knowing that in distancing yourself from me, you're learning things by yourself too...

I hope you wake back up soon...

~Lonely Bunnie...

Dear Cabbit...it only took you 15 yrs to learn...

I'm staring at our short conversation from today...
It was a very simple "mornin" from me, and then a shared link of the Brown Noise, which I know always makes you laugh - which I hoped, after the long quiet night where I sensed much chaos was happening...that it would put a smile on your face for at least a few seconds...
You came on about 30 mins later, said "Afternoon" and then told me very simply that you were very busy and that you would text me later.

Which, made me laugh.
For two reasons.

Dear Cabbit....your extra quiet today...

I can sense that things aren't okay...
Especially since I noticed that it seems you get most distant around lunch time these days...
You'll be a good mood in the morning...and seem to be enjoying my "mornin" messages...
Then lunch time hits and you'll be extra distant...
Though you've been very good about being sure not to accidently ghost me again since february-ish...
So it sticks out like a sore thumb that you haven't said anything since lunch time today...

It feels intuitively like several things are happening...

Dear Cabbit...I think you're stuck at age 17...

You keep mentioning it...not intentionally...more like freudian slips...
And messages from your 5d self...
There's something important needing to be healed within you, that happened when you were 17...

Which is significant, with how many things happened around that age for...and how many life experiences you missed learning because of what you went through at that age and there after...

In fact, a lot of the experiences and skills that caused me to call for our separation in january, were in hopes that you would go out and learn those very skills. Though I hadn't fully made the connection with that time in your life...except mildly, in knowing that you jumped straight from living with your mom, into a toxic marriage and left behind all opportunities for a stable self-sustaining future for yourself....

As a nerdy psychology lover, I know that most of that came from how you were raised all together, but it feels like your 5d self and spirit are trying to point something out - moreso to you, but I often am the one to "catch it" and point it out to you in ways that make it hard for you to miss...something that happened when you were 17...or some things that didn't happen...

Dear Cabbit...only you can answer anything with one word responses...

And of course, I can't tell you I know this about you right now, cuz then you'd know I'm trying to get us back to a point where we can talk like friends again...

With your piglet syndrome, I'm sure it would scare you off, even though it's nothing to be scared of...then again, that would be a mild form of intimacy...the thing you're most scared of...

At least...what you're most scared of with me...

Dear Cabbit...you reached out today...thankyou

I wish I could tell you how much you reaching out really means to me...
I know I can't...
So I can only pray you feel it...
Then pray that you don't abuse or take that for granted...
I can't know everything your picture of the bumper stricker about dreams means...
Though what I feel like I got from it was, "I'm sorry...I have been trying to avoid reaching out to you, but the universe refuses to let me not think about you...and now I see this sign...I have to reach out...I know more needs to be said...but I'm not sure what to say, and afraid to say it wrong either way...please don't bite my head off...."

Which is similar to how I've been feeling all morning, in thinking about whether or not to message you, and what in the world I could say if I did, that would neither trigger you or give my image of high self worth away...dynamics that suck...really really suck...

I hope we can overcome these current dynamics soon...
I can't stand not being able to just be fully real with you...

Dear Cabbit... how do you get over 20 yrs of loving someone?

I miss you...

I'm completely frustrated with you too..

And I wish I could tell you directly that i do...

Though now is not the time..

I know it was right to call for the boundary of respectful speaking hours...

It removes me from the drama of your situationship...

And hurts less when you tell me sweet things while you're drunk, and then forget about them when you're sober...which is just too much of a reminder of our past..

And also an indicator that if you're not gonna reach out & be accountable, that you still need to work out the messes in your mind before you can listen to your heart...

It's hard though...

Wish I could tell you that too..

I was thinking about what I would say to Goldenrod if I had another session...about how the hardest part is knowing that I really am and always have been genuinely in love with you this whole time...

I think of you whenever something good happens...

Bad happens...

Weird happens..

I have always wanted to share everything with you. 

I was thinking about how, even in my past relationships... When I broke up with them, I didn't have a problem forgetting them, or picturing a life without them, or even who I would be with next. 

That includes a couple before you. Though I hadn't had many long-term relationships before I met you. Ironically, when I think about it, you are the only 'fwb' I've ever had too. Weird, huh?

I know I have always come across as far more 'experienced' then that..

That's kind of what's sad..

I feel like I naturally asked you about all the books and crannies in your story...

I just wanted you to sometimes ask me for details...

Either way..

After I met you...

After our first 7 month adventure..

I couldn't get you out of my head..

I'm not sure how to explain it exactly, but from what I know now, it feels like your 5d self was staying with me...not letting me forget about you or stop thinking about you...

If what you've said about how much you thought about me back then before our actual relationship...

Then maybe I can believe...

Even if only for now...to feel better...

That my 5d self is harassing you too, just the way yours did to mine...lol

Dreams.

Synchronisties.

Songs.

Signs.

Everything about anyone else you try to date or interact with.

The whole shebang.

Go 5d me.

You can do it, lol

Anyways... it's late..

I'm not feeling the energy of writing my usual novels...

So I'll just say a prayer of gratitude and faith you...

I know I'll hear from you soon...

Once you set your pride down a few notches...

Until then...

Still, for some crazy reason, yours...*sigh*

~Empress

Dear Cabbit...I'm feeling better, but it's your turn to reach out...

After almost a week of going back into a Dark Night of Soul moment as you withdrew more and more right before that, I realized that I have been giving you too much rope and have ended up enabling you to continue your karmic 3rd party situation and your old codependent cycles. So while I do feel better now, and much of my faith in us has returned, I know I must do now what I've been afraid to do before - withdraw and hold my boundaries.

Additionally, you make it exceptionally difficult to speak freely with you, and you've been neglecting the boys again - which should rarely happen, if ever.

Unfortunately, I saw the signs of this happening early on. Though I convinced myself that you would come around and heal much sooner with me there in the backround...which I don't know that I was wrong about, but you have as much free will as I do, and it's clear that even though spirit set up several opportunities for you to get out of your karmic situationship and get onto your healing path - with or without me, and you've chosen not to...

Dear Cabbit...I release you...

I'm feeling unclear about whether or not this is the right thing to do...
Though I realize after quietly thinking this week...
And seeing again that the most I get from you is less than your minimum...
That it's not good for either one of us...
For me to keep holding on...
Holding out hope...

I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to release that place in my heart that holds onto faith in you...in us...
And I'm afraid at this point, that by the time you get past your ego and come back to me...
That my heart and the place within me that so deeply yearns for you...
Will be so locked up and caged behind layers of walls...
That like before...
You'll determine it's "too much work" for you...
To love life back into me...into us...the way I've always done for you...

Dear Cabbit...I think my attachment style is changing...

I feel numb.
I have so much I want to say to you.
Though I can't.
Cuz it's earthquakes with you.
I could say the kindest thing that is exactly what you need to hear...
And still you'd run away...
I could just be blunt and to the point; no emotions or judgement in any of it.
And still you'd find someway to say I'm trying to control you.
Or that I'm "pursuing" you while you're in your rebound...
Or that you wish someone else would hurry up and scoop me up...
Like I'm some burden to you...

I've been thinking more seriously about entertaining short term relationships...
Though whenever I think about what I want...
I think about you...
And that scares me...

Dear Cabbit...I'm mad...sad...and hurt...idk what to do...

I'm mad...
And sad...
And hurt...
Deeply...
That you're giving your best...
Your loyalty and defense...
Your thinking the bests...
Your no escape plan self...
Your no banana peel self...
Your protection and pentacles...
Your body, mind, and soul...
Your fool...
To someone else...
To a downgraded clone of me...
Who you've told everyone you're happier with than you've ever been...
It's been replaying in my head again...

Dear Cabbit...tonight is the super full moon in Scorpio...it's the 7th...and I know many towers are happening for you...

My dearest...
These past few weeks have been weird...
Though I know they are leading to something deeper..
Something profound...
And with the way you've been acting these past few days...
Especially today...
As the 7th day...
And the Super Full Moon in Scorpio...
The "Flower" Moon...
That there are many tower moments...
Pheonix moments...
And death card moments...
All coming together in a combination of your fears manifested and Divine Intervention.

I know that soon...
You'll be free...
You'll start learning to be who you are when not under anyones thumb...
Just doing what you want...
What you love...
What puts a smile on your face just because...

That'll be a beautiful day...
Can't wait <3

(STILL) Forever, Always, and Completely Yours,
Empress Bunnie ;P