I feel numb.
I have so much I want to say to you.
Though I can't.
Cuz it's earthquakes with you.
I could say the kindest thing that is exactly what you need to hear...
And still you'd run away...
I could just be blunt and to the point; no emotions or judgement in any of it.
And still you'd find someway to say I'm trying to control you.
Or that I'm "pursuing" you while you're in your rebound...
Or that you wish someone else would hurry up and scoop me up...
Like I'm some burden to you...
I've been thinking more seriously about entertaining short term relationships...
Though whenever I think about what I want...
I think about you...
And that scares me...
Cuz in order to get the good stuff that I love about you...
I fear I'd just find another you that comes with the worst of you too...
Guys who are too scared of their own shadows to come out of their shells long enough to really let themselves get wrapped up in me and enjoy the intimacy...
And that I'd end up right back where I am now, when it doesn't work out...
I think I'm becoming a "Dismissive Avoidant"...
I'm sad Cabbie...
I wish you weren't so afraid to talk to me...
I wish we could be real with each other...
I wish....for something I can't name right now...
And I'm sorry I've basically "checked out" from you...
Which I know because of your attachment style, seems confusing...
Even though it's really quiet obvious if you think about it...
Even just the fact that you haven't cared enough to keep track of this blog...
Shows the level of investment in "us" that you've had since you left...
I'm trying my best to hold onto faith...
Though I can't deny...
I feels harder every day...
Like I finally kind of get my mom's philosophy....
It's better to be alone...
I feel too deeply and hurt too badly when it doesn't work out...
Better not even risk intimacy in the first place...
