You keep mentioning it...not intentionally...more like freudian slips...
And messages from your 5d self...
There's something important needing to be healed within you, that happened when you were 17...
Which is significant, with how many things happened around that age for...and how many life experiences you missed learning because of what you went through at that age and there after...
In fact, a lot of the experiences and skills that caused me to call for our separation in january, were in hopes that you would go out and learn those very skills. Though I hadn't fully made the connection with that time in your life...except mildly, in knowing that you jumped straight from living with your mom, into a toxic marriage and left behind all opportunities for a stable self-sustaining future for yourself....
As a nerdy psychology lover, I know that most of that came from how you were raised all together, but it feels like your 5d self and spirit are trying to point something out - moreso to you, but I often am the one to "catch it" and point it out to you in ways that make it hard for you to miss...something that happened when you were 17...or some things that didn't happen...
I know you've forever talked about how you've never had a one night stand and have always wanted too...which is very telling when you think about it...
It shows that you recognize how deeply and easily you get emotionally connected...
It also shows that you have a messed up view of what emotional strength is...
And it shows that you've been telling the universe that you want to know what it's like to be able to have a meaningless relationship based only on sex - which is ironically exactly what you got with your current karmic...which is the Murphy's law of this situation...you asked the universe to know what it felt like to have a meaningless relationship...though because you had waffles in your beliefs, you didn't think one night stands were possible without YOU getting deeply connected, you weren't looking for that, you're intention was for you to learn how to have meaningless connections - not for the other person to be learning that, and cuz you weren't very self possessed when you jumped into your rebound with her, you jumped as a reaction to our relationship and not cuz you had genuine interest in getting to know who she is now and if she's the kind of person you can see yourself happy with.
Which are typically things that most folx learn between 16 and 25ish...sometimes even up to 35...
Actually...something new just dawned on me...
I think I might find a way to tell you about it later...
I think you're going "backwards" in relationhip learning, than a typical person does...
Sort of like how I've been going through "aging" and "adulting" backwards...
Which ironically, matches us up even more...
Thank you for the cookie Spirit!
Dearest Cabbit, I think I get it.
I think...you started out with each of your first few relationships with big dreams of them leading to marriage, until you got with your ex wife, who was pregnant at the time...meaning that you started out your "Adulthood" as a husband and father, before you'd had any fun or really gotten to explore anything beyond the sheltered world your mom kept you in growing up...which was definitely one where you were forced to be an adult before you'd ever really gotten to be a kid....
Which also explains your adorable middleness...
After you got married...and she cheated repeatedly...you did have some smaller flings and young adult like arrangements - like fwb's with me, and your interesting trists with the waitress and the unicorn hunters...though at that time, you were still holding onto the fairy tale repair of your marriage, even more tightly and unrealistically than my fantasy about you and me...lol
Once that dynamic go towards 10 years, you allowed what was supposed to be your first one night stand, to become your new girlfriend right after getting me pregnant with our oldest son (which to be fair, neither of us knew had happened at the time...though I did get a vision in my mind, that that's part of why it happened...cuz we were both in love and imagining how nice it would be to live together...which you said you were going to ask me at the time...and being a Cancer man...I could see you having envisioned what it'd be like to start a family with someone as unbelievable kind and loving as I have always been with you)...
Though as true to who you've been, you didn't tell her no or uphold healthy boundaries, and accept the relationship while trying to stuff your other feelings into your shadow consciousness; embracing a relationship with her as long term. I know from how you explained it, and how you were with me later on down the road, that you never saw yourself with her in a marriage situation. Most esp cuz you were still in the final years of your first marriage...
Anyways...that relationship ended...followed by your last large attempt to make your marriage work - resulting in total rejection and the acceptance of that marriage having been long over. Which was about the same timing that I just couldn't take it anymore, and came to you to ask for a chance to be the one to love you right - forever and always...
Not that I said it in that way, or communicated what I meant so eloquently...
Then we went through 14.5 years of working out the kinks in the lines of your communication skills, boundaries, wants, needs, bad habits, strengths, vulnerabilities, and so on...
I never cheated on you in relationship, so you never officially did anything physical with anyone until your hand holding with your blonde boyfriend chores political friend...though you constantly kept ex's and other women at hand...like you were just waiting for the day I told you I'd cheated, the day you caught me cheating, or the day I'd finally say "enough" and be done with you...
Of which, the proof in the pudding shows in the fact that you didn't jump into a rebound with anyone new...you jumped in with an ex that you knew was mildly pursuing you, and whom already showed several good reasons to cut off contact with when we were still together...though you didn't...and now you're wrapped up in a circus with her...your backup plan...lol
In anycase...most folx go through getting cheated on, in early relationships well before marriage - which is when they learn to spot the signs and redflags...you did learn those things...it just happened in more heavily exclusive and rushed relationships then they should've been...then you jumped in with me - a person who was and has been ready for a genuine longterm loving commitment with you. Though since the 7 month of being together, you often spouted off about how you didn't want a relationship cause you didn't want the hassle only to get hurt again...I remember trying to work through that bs with you...and I remember when you left, how you told me I was correct about everything...especially about not needing a "backup plan"...
Now...logically, I would've thought that going from marriage, to long term committed relationship, that your next step would be going into singlehood for real...though it's clear that you've not put yourself through enough hell in relationships yet, to see all the benefits in some time getting to know and love on yourself without being under anyone elses thumb...though separating, it seems...has been much harder on you than it has been on me...not that I'm not miserable or having a hard time...I think it's mostly just because I chose to cut off all interactions with others and date myself for a while - which means this whole time, I've only had to deal mostly with my own emotions and those of our kids...whereas you've had to deal with your feelings about us ending, your feelings about the new beginning with your Queen of Swords - and her sister - and their 4 kids - and their baby daddies - and their ex's - and their criminal records - and their health problems - and your health problems - and the added distress of paying for all of their dietary, medical, rental, transportation, and recreational costs on top of your own and what little you give me for our boys and our joint phone bill...plus the costs of all the alcohol you drink to try to numb yourself out from acknowledging it all...
Which is another sign in and of itself...
You did start drinking to numb out the pain...long long ago...before us...before your first wife even.
Though it seems to me, when looking at the patterns over the years, that what you've been searching for and missing, are those times when you have a few drinks and a few beers at a party with friends.
Where it's all just fun for funs sake.
No big responsibilities.
The bachelor life.
So to speak.
You did even admit to me, that if the Big Q weren't happening, you'd like be out at the bars every night. Another clear indication of just how "fine" you and your rebound really are, as you try to convince me of most times.
Then there's looking at this rebound you're in.
You've been unaware that it's just a rebound, since you jumped into it. Convince it was just a "continuation" of a relationship you had for a few months as 14 yr olds, then a few brief connections at 17 and 18...after 15 years of being with me...lol
Which, if we're to take seriously at all, would be that it's a relationship that mirrors the kind you should've had before me, and the relationship with me would've been the kind you should've had before you'd jumped into your first marriage...
Which means...if I'm not totally off my rocker...
That when your rebound ends - which I get the sense it's going to very soon...
That you're likely next step will be being single for a long while.
Possibly with some one night stands involved.
Maybe even with some physical fun with me.
Though nothing serious.
You'll likely chalk it up to feeling like you're just not good at relationships...or that you're just bad at picking good partners...or something equally self loathing and in line with your persistent victim zombie mindset of the past 4 decades. While from the outside, it can be seen as exactly what would make sense when considering where you started.
I know - both intuitively and just by knowing you, that there will come a moment, either right before you end things with your current Queen of Swords, or not long after - when you'll say to yourself, "damn it, she's right again"...and will hear me saying "I told you so" in your head; despite the fact that I've never actually said that to you all this time...and you'll both love and hate me for knowing you as well as I do...and for being who I am with you. Including who I've been during this time period - the only one you've ever known, who was brave enough to push you out onto your own and let you do things your own way - no matter how messed up or dangerous; figuring out "life" on your own; while knowing that you'd come around eventually, and see that the whole time - I wasn't controlling or attacking. I was genuinely thinking about you...and "us"...and what's healthiest and best for us and the kids...and you'll shake your head...again and again...
When those moments come more consistently...
As you've been showing they do already come in from time to time...
I know you'll reach out and confirm that I'm right...again...
And that you're going to take the time to learn to be a single man...
To learn to no longer fear being alone...
Nor to carry emotional burdens on your own...
And so much more...
I can see the vision in my crazy head...
Of that coming time ahead...
Where it'll be just you...
And a whole new world of experiences you've never had...
Some which you'll have experienced from within a relationship but never on your own...
And some which you'll never have experienced, cuz they can't be done in the types of relationships you've been entangled in...
I can see the texts coming in...
Followed by calls...
And video chats...
Where you'll be telling me about the strangeness of the quiet...
But how you like it now...whereas before it scared you...
You'll tell me about what you're going to make yourself to eat for dinner...
And about how strange it is to be the only one in charge of all things...
You'll tell me about how boring you've noticed you are...
And how many ways you enjoy the boring parts of yourself...
You'll send me late night messages...
Knowing your free of the no-late-night-communications rule that exists while you're in your rebound.
Telling me about conversations with the resident ghost...
And how you hope he'll help teach you how to be a kind self-sufficient man...
Like he seemed to be in his obituary...
You'll tell me over and over, how creepy it is to live in a house someone died in not so long ago...
Moreso cuz you're wanting to keep talking and not yet ready to be truly vulnerable again...
You'll send me pics of you and Cabbie cuddling up to sleep...
Maybe even a few of you getting up in the morning...
You'll send me pictures of you doing normal things...
Then odd things...
Then of you trying new things...
Then you'll start sharing memories...
Deeper thoughts...
Vulnerabilities...
Until you go too deep, hit a nerve, and pull back for a bit again.
Allowing the cycle to start over again.
Except this time, it'll cycle through much faster.
Up to the point AFTER you've already admitted you are and always have been head over heels in love with me too, and just afraid to give in to it...
That point when you'll tell me your almost ready to work on the fear of commitment...
When I'll tell you, that as a newly single man with your background story - that you're already more than half way there...
Not long after that, you'll ask me how I do it.
How I've always loved you just the ways you've need to be loved - even when you fought it and were a complete ignorant jerk...
Followed by many similar questions.
That I'll answer in my usual fashion.
Which you'll love even more.
Then you'll set out to explore what's next in the "single" chapters of the "Story of You" that lives in the middle chapters of the "Story of Us"...
As I explore the "Story of Me" more...
I can't wait for the nights, when after all you've been through...
And all you learned from being with me and then being with someone whose effectively my alter ego...
When you finally give yourself the gift of wanting to explore the depths of me...
To learn more and more...
To learn about the parts of me I don't even fully understand, but which I'd gladly plan an expedition through, just because you cared enough to ask me a new question I'd yet to think of...
And you'll love, that I never stopped asking such questions of you...
About how much you learn about yourself in answering them...
I think I could go on with this line of thinking for a very long time...
Though I think for now, I'll leave this here...
I'm just happy to be back on a happier line of thinking when it comes to me and you...
One where the reality of the "other dimension" you're allowing yourself to be stuck in, isn't ignored - but it is deprioritized for the healthy future ahead...
I can see it...
And the more I visualize and think about it...
The more spirit confirms for me...
That it's manifesting...
That is has been manifesting...
And that I need to give myself a heck of a great deal more credit for what I know and what I intuit, then I usually do.
There aren't a ton of times in life, when being "Right" all the time earns anyone any real prizes.
Though I think because me being right in this sense, leads to a truly happier and healthier you - and hopefully a full union between us, that there are some definite prizes in being right...
At this point..
Only time will illuminate what's truly "right"...
So for now..
I'm just gonna hold on and enjoy the ride for what it is..
While knowing that the funnest part of a rollercoaster is right after the peak...
STILL forever, always, and completely yours...
~Empress Bunnie
