Dear Cabbit...I'm mad...sad...and hurt...idk what to do...

I'm mad...
And sad...
And hurt...
Deeply...
That you're giving your best...
Your loyalty and defense...
Your thinking the bests...
Your no escape plan self...
Your no banana peel self...
Your protection and pentacles...
Your body, mind, and soul...
Your fool...
To someone else...
To a downgraded clone of me...
Who you've told everyone you're happier with than you've ever been...
It's been replaying in my head again...

Especially after what you said on Monday...
After you gave the boys an extra skim visit, then told me you're waiting for some guy to hurry up and scoop me up, cuz you're oh so happy with your narcissistic (your word, not mine) Queen of Swords and the rest of your polyam replacement family...

I'm not sure if I'm more mad at you for being the kind of jerk to say something both to hurt me intentionally, and to avoid admitting you fucked up big time this time....with everyone, not just me...your friends, your family, your work...your credit, your savings...your soul...

Or if I'm more sad at the idea that you might actually believe that trying to bullshit everyone who can see right through your rebound and your lies - which is all on you for showing you had thousands of dollars to blow on your replacement family, that you never put into caring for your own family - neither your kids nor your mother nor your sister nor your daughter....not on any of your friends, and crazy enough, not even on YOU....the idea that you believe that your life is made better by pretending that you're happy in a miserable situation, with someone that your entire social circle knows is a literal criminal. Who has already moved toxically through most of the circle...

Even sadder is the idea that you might actually believe that you're going to be the one to "save" her. To love her enough to heal her. To do all the things for her I did for you, as if that will clear up the shitty karma you earned by being shitty and narcisstic to me.

I don't know why you think trying to give all the right stuff to other ppl would somehow free you of your mental torture you've manifested for yourself by refusing to just admit you screwed up...Especially with you saying you're happier than you've ever been.

You can't steal away half of the lifetime of someone who loved you genuinely, freely, and unconditionally, give it to someone who intentionally hurts and uses other ppl, lie about it to everyone who loves you, and expect that will clear up the huge ugly zits on your soul.

The only way to heal those up is atonement to those you actually hurt.

Which until you do, your world is just going to continue to remain stuck in that 360 cycle.
You're money will get spent needlessly and excessively.
You'll keep getting scammed by your 'partner' and others.
You're credit will remain crap (especially if you stick with your plan to buy them cars)
You'll keep losing friendships and family bonds.

If the readings are correct, you'll also lose your job too.
Likely end up in deeper legal entanglements too.


Sometimes I feel like I'm watching you driving a train right into another train and can't do anything about it...except it feels like I have to watch it happen over and over again...
Or choose to look away...which would require walking away...which wouldn't take away knowing that you're going to keep repeating the train wrecking cycle for even longer...
Despite your mild denial of our connection, I know you feel it...
And I know that I am the only reason you keep going.

Even just in the moments you thought you'd finally pushed me away for good...
Or the moments where you thought I was saying goodbye...
Even just the moments you thought I might have sex with another guy.
You already had the metaphorical dynamite all prepped and ready to be lit up.
You were ready to trash can everything.

If you keep in this cycle much longer...
I don't know that I'll be able to hang on...
I've been working through my shadows...my ego stories...my attachment issues...allthethings...
And the healthier I get, the more I wonder if I'm actually holding onto a relationship that I know in the depths of my soul is meant to be and that I've just been waiting on you to heal and release your victim mentality and pride...or if I'm just fooling myself...if I was right when I was in my ego...that you haven't ever really loved me...that you were just with me because I'm safe and I know how to love you in all the right ways...which is exactly what it feels like right now...except I'm not even getting the benefit of your physical presence, affection, or getting to be the one you give your "All In" too...

I'm starting to feel it deeply...
I could've really released it if you'd just been honest...
That's really all I ever wanted...an honest connection with you...
Even if we never got back together in a romantic relationship, my heart could've been happy with a friendship filled with honesty...where you do what I did - clear your karma. Apologize. Own your bs. Fix and clean up any messes you've made, and explain to me what the fuck really happened. Then kept that honesty now, no matter who we're with - especially considering I was the only one who didn't recieve such benefit of honesty when you were with me; your ex's did.
If nothing else, isn't it my turn to get those shitty benefits?

I know I'm not perfect...
I know I've participated in bs...
I know I'm not "all that" enough to be worthy of you taking off your mask for real, and growing out of your cowardace...
Though I know I'm worthy of so much more effort than just yourn hot and cold breadcrumbs...
Than you deciding that the "best" way to "not" hurt me, is to try to pretend your happier with anyone else who would take you, and telling me you are so ready for me to be in a new relationship that you wish I'd hurry up and accept any random guy...

I'm hurt Cabbit...
I'm hurt a lot...
Most days I can keep in it...
Today is hard...
It took a lot to even let myself look at your msg to me...
Then to decide to tell you bunnie's hart feels cold...
My journal notes are all angry and depressing...
My eyes and lap are wet...
I haven't even gone to get new smokes cuz I don't want anyone to see I've been crying...

I wish I could tell you how I really feel...
Though after pouring my heart out to you for months...
Even with you being a reactive dick through most of it...
Then sending me hopefilled messages that showed such great promise...
Then you spending the first "good" month of us talking again, telling me about your favorite things about sharing your littles connection with your new gf; who I know you know is bs'ing you.
Then now withdrawing and only telling me you have "alot going on around you"...
Barely even bothering to ask how I'm feeling...
How my heart is doing...
Only reaching out to not lose me when you were enough of a jerk that I felt like you needed me to give up everything and leave the state to help you feel safe from ever feeling controlled by me...

I cannot be the one to be vulnerable first again...
I don't even know if I can allow myself to be vulnerable when you really are vulnerable enough that I could tell without a doubt that it's real..cuz with the way you've been...it could easily be real in that moment...and change the second I accept...especially if I accept without a genuine apology or any kind of plan of atonement from you...until you've shown you care enough about yourself to have healed your attachment traumas, like I've been working on...and grown up enough to see that when you don't feel worthy of someone or something, you put in EXTRA effort to feel worthy of anything and everything you want...
You don't give up...
And run away...

Idek what else to say....
I'm madsad today Cabbit...
I love you...
I miss you...
I'm hurt...
I'm lost...
I'm confused...

I don't know when I'll be okay this time...
Or if I'll talk to you during this hermit time...
In the low vibe I'm in...if you don't put in any effort to come towards me for REAL this time, I don't know that there will be a connection between us at all...
If it becomes like our old relationship did...where intimacy and physical connection was only instigated when I put the effort in...except an occassional breadcrumb thrown to create a self fulfilling prophecy that I'm rejecting you, but feeling worthy of more than just your cut off crusts...

I'm not sure if such potential outcomes make me feel more sad...
I'm gonna go take another nap...

...hope your day is going better than mine.... =(