Dear Cabbit...I still love you, and I still know it all works out...

Crazy.

Not crazy.

Trust me, I've been through all scenarios.

Flaws or not.

Strangeness or not. 

I still love you.

And I still stand by the first post in this blog.

IT ALL WORKS OUT FOR US.

And it's coming sooner than I thought, and that you thought.

Dear Cabbit... you're so adorable..

Right now is one of many moments when you've manifested space between us Communication wise.

I've been jokingly thinking of sending you a message like "this must mean that last bit of communication wasn't expected, and that you weren't specific about how you wanted it to look..."

Though I'm enjoying just moving forward not worrying about it.

Funny enough, while I know from the "texts you've never sent" that you decided to send two days after asking me if I wanted to see, and how I modified them in an evolved way to how I annotated our convo from when you were being a jerk about having crappy boundaries with your ex's who then get you into trouble and end up hurting us both - that you're in what my friend and I call a "jello place"...

That you're feeling like what I did was painful, though not necessarily bad or hurtful...

That the old immature version of you who lived in ego and victimhood, is struggling to hold on a lil bit longer, as the new version of you gets stronger and keeps clipping away those old strings of toxicity and stinking thinking and embraces the wonderful absurdity of your love for yourself, for me, for our boys, for the contrast and compliment between us, and for your responsibility, accountability, and power...

1:42pm - 7

Delicious...

Dear Cabbit... didn't see that coming, eh?

You know what's funny.

When you were spiteful about taking our youngest into your circus when I said no, the thing that kept me from returning that spite, was my trust in spirit that spite brings the worst kind of karma, and that I didn't need to do anything.

Now seeing how tg went, how you were so afraid to enjoy decorating the tree here with your boys because the QoSr would be upset that you refused to have fun and stormed out of the house, shows me you're likely to have a crappy xmas too.

Followed by a crappy new year.

All surrounded only by the replacement rebound family you choose, and no one else.

No friends.

No family.

None of your kids.

No me.

Except for the text I'll know you send, expressing the leaking misery in your heart for lying, hiding, cheating, being a coward, and choosing toxic ppl who have effectively triggered enough of your own shadows that none of the good ppl in our lives can stand to be in your house or around you.

Leaving you only the energy of other toxic ppl refusing to face their ShadowWork, to "fill up your cup".

Which is icky energy to be filled with.

I know you already feel this.

And I know it's causing your mask to crack and giving your inner being more chances to speak to you and show you what your heart really wants.

Which is what's helping me redirect my focus to other things.

Cuz this leg of this cycle is for you.

To feel true loneliness.

Like you did as a kid.

And feel that.

And face down your ego.

An ego which has lied to you and told you this is how life has to be.

I have faith that you're facing this ego now.

Esp after you asked permission to send me some of the notes/texts you've never sent and you admitted you tried to grow up too fast and really have no idea what it means to be "Big".

I know you're doing your ShadowWork now.

I know the karmics around you, and spirit removing all the goodness and good ppl and financial abundance, is helping you get down to the bare bones of "you".

That is exciting.

I look forward to your next communication.

This part of the journey is going to get fun 😊

Dear Cabbit...the recycles are ever more interesting...

 Dearest Cabbit...

I have to say...esp after you revealed yourself to be shopping for black currents to create some "separation" in that old green house of yours...that the recycles are growing more and more interesting...

I've been think of the synchronistic reoccurence of events in the karmic situationship and with things that happen with us; together and individually, as "recycles".

Dear Cabbit...all I want for Xmas is you...

I spend more of my "journaling" time either doing voice memos or writing in a paper notebook.

I keep thinking to come back on here and post again.

Though I'm exhausted with all that's happened.

Just know, I'm still thinking of you.

Dreaming of you coming home - recognizing YOU are "home" and that I am "home"...

By Xmas...

And until the day comes...

I'm just giving myself the "win" of believing that's true...

Cuz why not?

If it feels good.

Do it.

I miss telling you that.

I'm sure you miss hearing it.

See you soon my love.

Forever, always, and completely yours.

~Madame Rose~

Dear Cabbit...wow...our boys, lol

You know.

I have a draft where I was going to write out my feels about the "bet ya didn't see that coming" energy you called in.

Esp in how you got yourself with that bs.

Though I think instead, I'll start using this blog for what I intended to in the beginning. To have a place to put the happenings and things with me and the boys, so that while you're finishing your dark night of soul work, that you can not really "miss out" on what's been happening.

Plus, it helps me keep positive momentum going in still being able to share with you what's happening without going back on my commitment to let you come to me when you're ready, and let you learn from natural consequences - as even you agreed are often more profound anyways.

So anyways, to start us out.

I am laughing right now, to have dropped our oldest off at school for IEP testing with a teacher whose names include "Liberty".

I'm laughing, cuz I kid you not; he looked and acted like he could've been his older brother.

Not even that much older for that matter.

He was dressed much the same as how our oldest does when he's relaxed at home, and had similar eyes and energy.

Even his voice was similar.

It feels very much like a sync to do with "Julie", who Spirit tells me we'll have when you're ready and are able to stay stable in this dimension.

After you've seen the truth.

Of me.

Of you.

Of those "closest" to you.

I'm still giggling at how hard it has been for you to use any kind of commitment language with her, lol

Anyways. 

The nurse also had my last name, and a butterfly mask.

And right before we got out of the car, that song "Bang" came on.

Even funnier, our oldest decided to dress up in his fedora and leather jacket, which even he commented looked great with me in my pink fedora and pink hoodie.

I took a pic for my fb.

How could I not? Lol

Had a funny convo with Gpa when I went to pick up our oldest. 

I had asked him to wake up the kids, so I could go work and process emotions in the morning.

When I got back, he said I didn't tell him our youngest was "hiding". Which was confusing, as I didn't know he was hiding. 

He then explained that he was kidding, and just didn't see our youngest curled up in our bed under his and my blankets.

That he went back and forth from Gma's room and ours, and then thought to check the blankets and found him, lol.

Then when it was time for our youngest to do his only class for the day, he was convinced classes didn't start until 9:30 now, cuz of daylight savings time.

That's so cute, lol.

They got it figured out and all is good.

Anyways.

I know things are probably harder for you now then ever.

I also know; esp with the sync of our youngest being "hidden" under the "blanket", and our oldest teacher...

Plus all the music syncs...

And even your own sister posting about the Synchronisty of "7"...

That you're coming out of the karmic cycle you've been in.

And that as the energy of Mercury Rx in Scorpio fades, so will your confusion about you, about us, and about others.

Though I will say, as I said to Goldenrod;

Even if I'm wrong.

It feels good to know all will be well no matter what.

For all of us.

Anyways.

I meant what I said.

I do love you.

Forever, Always, and Completely.

~ Empress Rose ~

Dear Cabbit...I really hope you get untangled soon...before you get yourself into real trouble...

 Last night, I set you free.

Released you - as you asked to be.

Even though all of your actions show you don't want to let go or for me to let go.

I look forward to when you free yourself from the karmic karnival and see that while I have actually released you, I did so with loving intention, and have not "left" you, as you've always feared I would. As most all others have done to you.

I know the day is coming soon. My sources and intuition say you'll likely reach out within a week, though that spin went pretty deep, and I know me being healed enough to say goodbye and point out that YOU asked for that and all the other things I've done; after giving you multiple opps to just say sorry and stop being a jerk - I know that hurts on a whole new level. 

Much in the way it did when I tried to be kind when pregnant with our oldest, and didn't want to make you feel "trapped" by something neither of us expected - which made you feel I didn't "need" you, and spun you out. Ironically, I did need you in every way. I've just always chosen relationships of love, not of obligation, and thought you would find it healing that you had a choice in it, and weren't going to be forced to do anything you didn't want to, even though everyone else treated it like a "have to"; including you. Though I remember you telling me how hard it was, when you felt like I didn't "need" you, and how clear it is that you don't feel "loved" unless you are "needed" and feel "obligated", that you feel lesser or like you're not good enough.

Which, despite that not being the reason I released you, I actually know it will be very healing for you to feel like me and the boys don't "need" you. Esp in the ways I said goodbye, in saying that I've been "alone" long enough, have healed enough, and respect myself enough to give you what YOU asked for - to "move on", that it will make your shadow work unavoidable.

Not to mention, my genuine love for you is more clear now than ever, and ten times moreso in the way I let you go, that it will show what I've been trying to show you. That YOU are creating this mess in your avoidance, fearfulness, and constant attempts to hurt me and others before they hurt you.

Which is why I genuinely pray that you use this energy to untangle yourself from the karmic karnival you've been in, and see who is REALLY using you, trying to hurt you, and keeping you from your abundance and happiness - which is fortunately and unfortunately mostly you doing it to yourself. And I hope that that happens before your karmics trick or force you into any further legal entanglements, or try to push you to get the courts involved with us. Which I did my best to warn you about, and prove I wasnt trying to avoid trouble myself, and genuinely was looking out for YOU - esp w/your record of getting screwed by the courts when you actually were on the righteous side of things.

Though if you get yourself in that deep and make the mess bigger, all I can do is let you and keep praying for your healing, esp as spirit continues to reveal the truth to you; about yourself as well as those "closest" to you currently.

Cuz if not, you could end up creating or being pushed into karmic cycles that will take a very long time to untangle from. Esp if the karmic you live with manages to complete her scam w/the foster kid w/your name as the other guardian. Esp as, when the state takes child support from you for our kids, that will give her legal rights to get child support from you too....I wanted to warn you about that....but considered you already saw me as the devil trying to beguile you, it seemed best to just pray spirit will help you avoid it, and help that poor kid be protected from the karmic convincing him or anyone, that she wants him for any other reason then money from the tribe and to trap you even after she leaves you.

Which became extra clear she's very close to doing, when you said she intended to use her section 8 scam to put her 18 year old in a TWO bedroom apartment instead of using it to help pay the bills at your house and for all the stuff she has you buy for her. 

I really wish you could see what I see, and didn't see me as the enemy. 

Even your own family has been seeing what she's doing, but they fear you'll treat them like you've been treating me, so they don't say much,. 

I mean really. Why would she not help you with the bills if she loved you genuinely?

Why would she emasculate you, and let all your bank accounts go under, create circumstances she knew would make me keep the kids from being around her, and then try to get you to take me to court - which also costs YOU more money?

Why wouldn't she be up for having healthy boundaries, and helping with the bills?

Why would she tell you I'm the enemy, and then tell you lies that make it look like she's synchronistically connected to me, that she had to have known you would find out were lies?

And why keep you from getting any furniture in the house for you or the kids?

Why make you jealous using her ex's?

Why embarass you in front of everyone?

Why cheat on you, and then accuse you of being disloyal?

Why refuse to let you have any privacy or time alone when you're not at work?

Why try to control Cabbie or keep you too busy and conflict fearful to complete the parenting plan?

And then why use her scams to get a TWO bedroom apartment for her son?

She's already planning to leave you.

She's mad about you not being "controllable", and that she could never get me to stop loving you or you to stop loving me, most ESP after you kicked her and her family out of your house for that day.

She isn't screwing things up because she "can't help it" because of her brain damage.

She's doing it because she was already bored with you, already nearing the end of her regular pattern w/the men she uses and then discards before a year is over, and wants to make sure that you have nothing before she goes - most esp me and the boys, and if she can help it, that she has child support from you that when combined w/the high child support the state will make you pay me, that you will never be able to afford to have a home, save for a home, or anything; and if she can manage to make you make enough of an ass out of yourself, that when she does to you what she did to the others - claims you're an abusive addict who will hurt her if she doesn't get their help and flee, that they will believe her and so will everyone else. 

Which is the same thing your ex wife did to you, in coming over to goad you into pulling out your own phone line, so she could get you charged w/a DV conviction, so she'd have all the power, access to most of your money, and everyone would believe you were really that awful - including yourself.

I really hope that spirit shows you this soon.

Maybe even this blog, if you remember that I sent it to you.

Cuz this is your "360" cycle. It's meant to help you end the cycle before it gets that bad, and have enough self respect and boundaries to stand up for yourself and end the circus before you are held to it for years.

Which won't be the end of the world if it happens, but it will likely feel that way to you. Esp when you realize everything I said to you has been true, and that you didn't listen, and instead pushed me so far away as to actually go.

You're rather fortunate it's me though.

Which is funny that you thought you could win and delay paying child support by trying to trigger an old would of claiming I'll screw you over like her and your ex wife, and wanting a "middle person" to distribute the money so that I would never feel in control of it - cuz while most of it is going to my parents for rent and groceries for the boys, the rest is going into savings so we can buy a house that has all the space for YOU to join us when you're ready. Whether that's in a few months - as has been predicted many times, or in a few years when you've learned some self love and self respect.

Which is the primary reason I'm not allowing you either to delay paying, or to control whether or not I have control over the money, which you have no legal right to choose anyways. whether or not I've made mistakes with money in the past. You lost that right when you left, and made it even less of a right when you refused to work on coparenting this whole time and not pay any child support, to only just now have that plan - which everyone can see is spiteful and more about delaying paying because it will mean you loose the house and pisses the karmic off, then about anything I've actually done.

Unfortunately, I think another of her plans is to try to get you to feel so defeated between what she's doing and what she's telling you I am doing, that you try to quit your job and give up, so you don't have to pay anything, and likely end up in jail to boot.

Which unfortunately is your karma for being just as vengeful and spiteful to me, when I've been good to you in every possible way you've allowed me to be. Most of which I know you didn't even see until recently, when I stopped holding you up and being self sacrifical.

Either way, if that happens. I know you'll recall the first time I came up to your shop after you left, and warned you that if you continued on this path, you would end up right back where you were when
I found you - living in your cars, avoiding jobs, and getting more and more screwed by the woman you thought you loved and who you gave up everything for.

Again, you're lucky it's me on the other end here. Who can see all this and still give you grace.

So if that happens, I know that either you will reach out and make everything right again, or that spirit will connect us through syncs as it did the first few times, and help me be the angel in your life again.

Unfortunately, all of this really isn't necessary. Though you have a strong pain and shame cycle that you're afraid to face and heal. So it seems that it might go that far, just to help break away the mask you've glued onto your body, so you can finally learn to love yourself - flaws and all.

Anyways, Sir....

It's time for me to cook dinner for the fam. 

I love you. 

I know this is hard. 

Esp when you're likely assuming the way I said goodbye meant you can't talk to me or see the kids - which again, is NOT what I said, lol. Though I know you, and that you "feel" like that's what I meant. So I know wthis is an extra hard time for you. Esp when I iknow that in being able to say goodbye, I've proven to you that I wasn't lying or trying to control. And THAT makes you feel like a true asshole.

Though as I said, I have complete faith in you, and love you unconditionally. 

I know you're already seeing the truth, and will find the will to set yourself free and correct things soon - as you started to in the beginning.

You've got this. 

You can do it.

Dear Cabbit...it's about to get dark...I'm praying for you....

 I have a feeling I might get back to using this blog more again...

Esp as I've had to suspend your phone line today...as you are either refusing to be accountable, or the QoSr is preventing you from being able to do so....Idk if it's spellwork or gaslighting, blackmail or extortion...what I do know is that you're caving to your fears, and using my generosity to hurt yourself...

The best I can do now...is have faith that in releasing you to what you're in...after showing you your reflection...will help you release yourself from her, your own dark thoughts about yourself, and get to the healing you sorely need....

Either way....love me or hate me...I love you...

And I still have a strange sense of faith in this upcoming Blue Moon in a few days...

Stranger things have happened I suppose...

Either way...

I know by you not responding to me at all, when I told you very clearly that I would take that as a sign that you're being abused and need help, that this needs to be done. Which sucks, as I know that phone is needed for your job, and helps you keep some sense of separateness from her. Idk how dark it's going to get with your phone line being suspended before you could get a new one. I just know that I gave plenty of opportunities for you to ask for more time, to tell the truth, the free yourself, and to be reasonable.

Tomorrow I will file for DSHS, wherein she won't be able to get you to try to avoid paying me child support by suggesting we work on and then continually delay the parenting plan, or threats of going to court. As then you will be faced with the state and not me. I know that scares you, as you cannot afford to keep her there, pay rent, pay the utilities, and pay for our two kids. Though after 10 months, I've been patient enough, and it's clear you need help.

I love you my love. 

You've got this...

Always, forever, and completely yours...

~ Empress ~

Dear Cabbit...your poor leg...

 Firstly, I want you to know...I've only not been blogging on here, cuz it was suggested to me that I do voice memos as a sort of therapy for myself; so that's what I've been doing with what I used to put into this blog.

Plus, I've been working so much that I'm not on the computer or phone so much.

That being said, omgosh! I'm so torn up about your leg...

And I know you're not telling me the whole truth about what happened...

My intuition is torn between what it really is....i know part of your situationships have included domestic violence....which is one of the reasons I've felt so overprotective, and had to learn a lot of restraint...to let you learn what you need to...including learning to stand up for yourself to the ppl that are actually hurting and holding you back...

Though I know that what you told me isn't a whole lie...you rarely ever tell me a complete lie. Which I know is largely cuz you know I can see through ALL of your lies. Better to go with a half truth, eh? lol

I also know you're sort of "one foot in, one foot on a banana peel" w/the karmic situationships you've been in, as well as your thoughts about me...it's an interesting energy to be in...I'm feeling it too...

Dear Cabbit...a vision..

When he woke up...

He didn't recognize where he was..

He panicked...

Even moreso when he found his clothes and things all in their own places...

As if he'd been living in this strange place for a while..

He quickly put on the clothes on the floor...

A strange place for them...

He hated putting on old winkled clothes..

Though he felt like he might need to run..

He found his phone on his desk next to the bed...

He stopped to look lovingly at the desk...

It had all his family pictures...

The kids...

He loved them so...

He saw all around it were the gifts his true love had given him over the years...

He didn't know when he decided to display all the gifts like that...but he was sure it would please her to see he loved her gifts...her tangible love so much...

But then he saw a picture of someone new on the end of the desk...

Away from the rest...

Like he had to have it there but didn't want it...

He felt like he knew her...or should...but he didn't..

That scared him...

Did he have an actual daughter he didn't know about?

She looked like she was about his youngest sons age...

He spent the day finding out that he'd rented the strange house he woke up in...

Which was also inhabited by his middle school rebound and her 3 kids...

For the last 10 months...

And that not only was he broke, his credit ruined worse than with his ex wife, and that hardly anyone wanted to talk to him...

But that he'd been away from his true love...

His own two sons...

And abandoned his daughter too...

Not know that...

But he's spent the last 10 months being such an asshole to his love, for being loyal and loving to him while he fucked it all up...

Holding onto her belief in him to come back to her...

That she had said he couldn't see his kids until he got therapy again...

And he had made it worse by threatening to take her to court...

For what he wasn't even sure.

It seemed like a custody threat...or fight...

Though in looking at his inner foolishness, it appeared to him like she'd tried very hard to reasonable and fair the whole time...

And like there was no reason for him to be trying to kick things into court...

It looked like he hadn't even been paying child support.

He felt awful...

Even moreso when he spent the day dodging spiteful, needy, and confusing messages from his ex...

Who from his phone convos, seemed to be something between being on her way out of his house, or a roommate, or girlfriend, or fiance, or some strange thing in between...

And like an awful warden of some hellish place...

He was scared to talk to her..

Scared not to talk to her...

She reminded him of his ex wife..

He wanted to call his true love...

And his kids...

Though from the looks of things..

He had so much to try to explain..

And he didn't even remember any of it...

He knew she'd hate that...

It clearly meant he'd been drinking...

As did the piles and piles of beers he found in the garage when he got back and ran to lock himself in their to escape the chaos and drama inside, coming from the strange kids and his ex...who wouldn't stop touching him...

He felt like he was in hell...

What had he done?

He buried his head in his hands...

In a small cold garage closet where he put the Jesus painting he wasn't allowed to have in the house apparently...

He saw lots of things in there from his life with his love...and family...

He wasn't allowed to have any of it in the house apparently...

He saw Cabbie sitting there too...

He grabbed him and hugged him so tight...

Letting his tears soak his fur...

"Oh Cabbie...cabbie... What did I do?" 

After a while, he saw beer on the bench...

He grabbed one... thinking he might as well...

But then he stopped...

He put the bottle down on the counter..

An decided that was the last thing he needed...

And that he really needed to quit once and for all..

And then he woke up...

It was the middle of the night...

His true love had he arms around his chest like she always liked to...

He was warm...

He felt safe...

His chest was no longer tight...

His ears didn't hurt..

He was "home"...

And he didn't even feel he needed to know where they were...

Only that "home" is where it's always been...

Anywhere in her arms...

With her in his arms...

He turned and pulled her close...

Her snoring stopped a little, and she firmed her hold on him in response...

He cried, "I love you soooo much..."

"Aww. I love you too Cabbit. So so much." She said

"Thank you for always believing in me." He sobbed.

She kissed him and he felt like he'd just had water dumped all over him after living in the desert the whole 10 months...

"Always.. my love..." She said, "forever and always.."

Dear Cabbit...I think you're more upset that I won't "interfere"...

It's the one of the only reasons I can think of; outside of knowing you're getting gaslit and driven totally deep into your paranoia, reactivity, and all the grief you've refused to release, for you to continually be accusing me of "interfering" in your situationship and trying to "control" you or to prevent you from "living your life".

The other reason is that I'm sure you're accusing the QoSr of doing that same stuff, and likely your ex wife as well - maybe even others. Most of whom are actually trying to control you & the way you live your life. So as per usual, your sexism is showing - with your projections that because I have last parts and show you some attention, of course I just "must" be trying to control you and break you up.

Though honestly, there are so many very obvious reasons for me to avoid doing those very things, and every bit of evidence and history that I wouldn't - that it is absurdly LAUGHABLE that you'd accuse me of it.

In fact, I'm going to count the ways here: 

1. Most Importantly: I would hate myself for being the kind of person who would intentionally try to ruin someone else's relationship. Even one I know isn't meant to be, and that is hurting someone I care about. That's not my job, and I wouldn't be okay with someone else doing that to me. 

2. I called for this very seperation and told you to leave and go grow SPECIFICALLY because I felt you were only with me because I was safe, because you felt forced to stay unless I dumped you, and because you were constantly paranoid that I was going to do all the things to you that all your ex's have done, did do, and are STILL currently doing to you. I didn't want you if you didn't choose to be with me and couldn't happy list of to any naysayers exactly why you love me and want to be with me. I didn't want to be with someone who could cause so many problems and then make it my fault. I certainly didn't want to be with someone who put me last in favor of toxic ex's and friends. And I didn't want to be with someone who put such little effort into being a healthy active dad, a loving and honest partner, and could stand in his truth and say what he wants very clearly any time. As of this point, you haven't grown out of ANY of those habits, and since the QoSr came back from Cali the second time, just as I predicted, you have gone back to the other dimension and gotten worse about all of these traits. And as I have told you repeatedly - including in text where there is documented proof - I am not going back to any relationship with you where we'd go right back into the same toxic cycles that you're going through all on your own. 

3. You would hate me, and have every reason to hate me and hold a grudge about it, if I actually flexed my power and "interfered". And what's funniest about this, is that I could actually ruin your situationship and break you up. You know it. I know it. The QoSr probably knows it too. Hell, just going through child support would do that, and that wouldn't even be doing anything wrong. Though we both know it would take away enough money that you would lose the house or have to invite in other trouble to be about to afford it, and would still be super broke - at which point, the QoSr will definitely leave you. As money, status, and the ability to control you are the only reason she's with you. Well, that and feeling like she gets to "win". Though with the Air and Fire sign placements in your chart, when you don't have financial stability, you are cruel, wreckless, and completely uncontrollable. You become a S.A.M. Hell, just with her spending habits and your own bad spending habits, you are already hitting all those points, and have already kicked her out several times, even for demanding reasonable things - like that you stop drinking so much. I could also do what your ex wife and other Ex's have been doing, and be hanging out at your house all the time and taking all your attention - asking "us she upset" a bunch, as if I didn't know why, like highschool bullies do. Heck, just a couple of well placed phone calls to her, would create so much drama between to the two of you, that it would be over very quickly. And that's not all I could do - esp with you drinking so much, and how often you kick your own door wide open for me to come in and create drama - including trying to get me to come over and sit in front of your house, trying to use my car as a "prop" to make them think you're helping me, putting me on your rental insurance, telling me she wanted to kick my ass, telling me how insecure she is, telling me some kicked them out several times, telling me she's "trapped" you, telling me they steal from you, telling me there are holes in the walls from drama with them, telling me she's doing drugs, suggesting I come knock on the door just to piss her off, telling me that she uses other guys to make you jealous, making it clear she's been cheating on you from the beginning, and all your efforts to get me to write you off and tell you you can't see the boys for good. There are so many ways you've opened up the door for me to participate in the drama over there, even after I told you I wasn't going to, and that you don't need me help with that. I could do a whole lot of damage if I was that kind of person. I know you better than anyone, I'm a human behavior nerd, I'm a witch, and I am your children's mother. It wouldn't be hard. In fact, because of my own possessiveness and desire to rescue you, it's a lot harder not to throw my weight around, then it is to not do so. Though I've always appreciated and pushed myself to do the right thing ESP when it's hard and even moreso because I genuinely do love your bratty as, and I know you need to learn the lessons that you've been learning - including seeing that I've done nothing except be your friend - even in times when you didn't even deserve that, and doing my best to be a healthy mom and reasonable co-parent.

Either way, considering the only thing I want from you is genuine faithful love; without the fear or narcissism - which should be obvious considering I've literally refused you giving me any money outside of catching up on the phone bill, haven't tried to flirt with you, and am actually pushing for healthy interactions with our boys even at the risk of you seeing them at all because of your reactivity and constant accusations of me trying to interfere and control you - which you have done, it's clear to everyone except you (or maybe it is clear to you, and you're acting this way cuz it upsets you that I won't just be like the toxic women in your life), that I don't want or need anything from you, and am just doing my best to be a better mother and your friend when I know you're in a really shitty and dark place in your life. 

Either way - you'd have every reason to hate me and run away from me even more, if I truly did seek to interfere or control you. Heck, even when I've done someone either by accident or I'm the process of dealing with my own grief when you first left and when you decided to give her another chance after you'd just shown me you were coming back to me, you got all up in arms at the mere idea that I might throw my weight around like that, and have used it to fuel your projections and trigger me in return. So it would do me zero good to give you any legitimate reasons to be upset with me. 

4. I know that you and her don't need any help falling apart. I saw it very early on, even before I realized we've been on a TF journey, and that Spirit will bring us back together when we've healed our old issues. Her pattern with the guys she uses, never lasts more than about 11 months, and you are both such an emotional sluts, game players, consent violators & spoiled brats, that you piss each other off and trigger her more than anyone else either of you have been with. You both also have horrible spending habits, neither of you plan any further than about 5 days ahead, neither of you take Accountability for your own bs, you're both cowardly liars, neither of you are moral or honorable, you've both shit in your own back yards, neither of you are romantic (which you need), neither of you are really thoughtfully proactive, you've both got severe attachment disorders, and you both have toxic ex's and toxic friends who very much enjoy "interfering" and kicking up shit storms between you two. On top of that, she's been stealing from you and using your name to steal from others, since you first got into the motel rooms - and it's become bad enough that even you have admitted you're spending thousands of dollars a month that you can't even account for, her kids steal from you all the time, and she's got you riled up enough that you might even try to take me to court over the kids and end up getting the maximum child support amount garnished from your checks and taxes, lose all forms of custody, and likely get a contempt charge to boot. Additionally, she's so toxic and care so little for her own kids health and healing, that CPS has constantly been in your home, an she regularly has bouts with the police - who you usually get into fights with yourself. On top of that, she and her partners in crime are more dramatic, loud, demanding, controlling, violent, and vindictive than your younger sister (your words) that it triggers you all the time. Also, you only eat crap and don't exercise, and even when she does hold up to her promises to cook for you like I used to, she only cooks junk - usually microwaveable, and usually with all the seasonings you either hate or can't have cuz they upset your stomach. She also doesn't usually make any food until it's super late, and know if she can't convince you to spend tons of money on fast food. Additionally, she keeps you up at all hours, and you drink and smoke too much. ALL of those things already made you very crabby and defiant, and cause you to have very low libido and ability to keep it up. Add your ear disease to that problem - which is better worse by stress, drinking, smoking, and yelling. Which at this point, it's clear to me you guys are almost done just cuz you can't stand the noise and pain in your ears. Which already is driving you to drive them out. 

And as if that weren't enough, she lets her kids hit, disrespect, and abuse you, and even with you allowing that, she still allows them to bring increasing drama to your house and life. 

I saw long ago, that in fact, the best way to see to it that you two don't last, is to leave you completely alone. Cuz it would be even clearer who is hurting you, and you would miss the warmth I bring into your life even just by texting goodmorning. Which has been hard with how worried I've been about you, and while I've been healing my own anxious attachment & codependency challenges. Though I've gotten better and better at it, esp as you've become an even bigger asshole since she got back - esp with seeing over all this time, how much you do love me and own that you've just made such a mess and put yourself in such a shitty psychological and financial bind that you feel trapped in it.

Either way. I repeat: your situationships don't need my help in falling apart. It would actually make them last longer, and it would take healing between us even longer. So in terms of my "evil" plans to love and enlighten you, it would work against me to actually do anything to interfere.

The fact that me being a healthy mom and having healthy co-parenting boundaries, actually does interfere, is a product of you two having a relationship that was shitty and shaky to begin with. And really, the fact that I'm still asking for that stuff despite knowing you feel attacked by it, with my level of anxious attachment, should be a clear sign that I'm healing and willing to risk losing you, to do right by our boys and right to myself, and in ways that are healthy for you too. That is LOVE, dumbass. Not control or interference. Smdh.

5. I refuse to be that kind of example to our kids. Esp as, thanks to us, they are likely to get entangled in similar type relationships. I am raising them to be honorable men - just like I know you really are, underneath that ego and pridefulness. And since you've not been being that example and any attempt on my end to encourage you to be, gets met with accusations of control - then I have to be that example. Otherwise they'd have no examples and would grow up blaming the world for their bad choices. I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure they don't grow up that way. That they don't grow up with the challenges that you have; and this current version of you, is exactly the example of why it would horrible to let that happen, unhealthy of me to let them be with you right now, and why I need to continue to NOT "interfere". 

I intend to make sure the boys grow up healthy and happy, whether you're actively in their lives or not. And I know that if you decide to use recent boundaries as a reason to continue not being involved in their lives, that they will see that is all you, and that me no longer fighting for you to actively see them, was to protect them. Which you'll make clear to them as to why that's currently needed, all on your own. Which is also the reason I don't talk shit about you too them. I'm not dishonest, but I've no reason or need to make you look like an asshole. You don't need my help there either. You do that all on your own, esp every time you put everyone except them first and then make them feel like bad kids for having feelings about it. Which you've consistently done, five times as much since you left.

6. I don't want that karma. It's very real, and I already have enough of my own bad karma from past and present challenges, that I've earned and now must deal with and pay the price for.

7. I refuse to give you any legitimate reasons to pigeon hole me into being like your ex's or your shitty sexist view of how "all women" are. Hence part of why I've not gone for cold support or full custody, not interfered, and also not gone the other way and tried to "sweet talk" you into coming back or let down on the requirement that you be a healthy parent in order to have visitation again. It's also part of why I've held back on dating or being with anyone new, part of why I don't try to make you jealous, and part of why I haven't kicked you off MY phone bill - even with you screwing me over on it continually. I never was like them, and I'm not going to start being that way now. I'm going to be me. You're attempts to goad me into being like them will never work. It will, and already has, done nothing but show you how different i really am and always have been - which you've already admitted to seeing several times.

8. When we do enter into real union, it will be free of all your toxic ex's and these cycles. And the only way for that to happen, is to allow you to get yourself caught up in them as deeply as you can get yourself all on your own. If I tried to interfere or rescue you, that would prevent that for much longer, and I'd be partly to blame. On top of that, it would show that I haven't changed and the crappy boundary there would show you that you could come back to and continue that bs. Not gonna have that. When you come back, you will come correct. Not just because you want to, but because you and all the toxic ppl in your life will have ruined your own lives and made such big and terrible messes without me, that there will be no way to blame me or our kids, and it will be obvious that me telling you you needed to make new friends and have way better boundaries with them, was never about jealousy, it was about not wanting you to get hurt in all the ways you are, and not wanting you to hurt me, our kids, and all the other ppl that you hurt when you allow yourself to be involved with such toxic and immoral ppl. 

There are many things I will do with you as you see that and start getting on your healing journey. Accepting a relationship with you before you're done with them, isn't one of them. That won't show you what you're doing to yourself, and by not interfering, you've already awoken enough to the fact that you do need to be free of them, and that I've done nothing but been good to you - even in my worst moments. You've already said so many times, and I know as you and your ex's turn up the heat and get closer to blowing each other out of the water, that you'll continue to see that, and when you're ready, you'll clear them all out of your life and do all the other things I suggested, and not just to get me back; you'll finally be doing it mostly for yourself, and will see that the two align for a reason.

There are many more reasons I can list, as to why it's completely illogical and unnecessary for me to interfere, pursue you, or try to control you. Though most of them just extend on the above examples. 

I wish you were in a place to see all this clearly right now, and that you'd always seen it. Though I know you're coming to see this, esp now whole we aren't talking or interacting, and as I redirect my energy into work, manifesting our house and land, and leave you to the cold dark world you've manifested. And I know that somehow, in you coming to see this stuff in the ways you have, it'll be even stronger and better than ever - esp as Spirit shows you I've ALWAYS been authentic, kind, fair, and good to you, and that you were happy with me until you let your fear and your ex's interfere. 

I know that day is coming soon.

Which is going to be the 9th and final reason: I want to be emotionally secure and able to hold fair and healthy boundaries with you ESP about parenting, ESP when you want the back and start pursuing me heavily. I can put up with a lot myself, as I know how to turn it into good energy and healing lessons. Our kids aren't there yet, and it's not fair to put them through any of that even if they could do that. One of the largest reasons I told you to go, was cuz you refused to be empathic with them and put them first, and brought such big drama here that I was so wrapped up in you that I wasn't being good to them either. And I wasn't being good to myself. 

So it's paramount and essential that I'm able to see the truth, do the right thing even when it's hard and even when you're threatening drama and abandonment, and that I'm able to say no to you and stick to it until you do the right thing. Not just for the kids, but for our union. It cannot be healthy and fulfilling if there are no healthy boundaries or standards. If I can't be unphased by your tantrums and able to keep my own reactivity down. 

Anyways, my love..

My pechulant brat...

I know these cycles are coming to end...

It's part of why I'm writing this here, where you could've obviously found my real feelings this whole time - but haven't, cuz you're afraid of the truth.

I know it's not necessary to tell you.

And better if I let you show yourself. 

Being a child of Saturn, this is a lesson I've learned over time - that when you are good and kind and honorable, over time, it shows and you get vindicated and seen for who you really are much more thoroughly, if you just keep being good and kind and honorable.

That's what happened with counseling.

That's what happened with everyone you talked crap about me to, since you've left.

That's what's happened through most of the jobs I've had.

And it'll continue to happen. 

Esp as I continue to redirect my focus, and more fully step back to let you see what you have been doing to yourself with no help from me or ability to blame me.

Which, getting back to my earlier point - is why I think you're really mad at me.

I did and am doing the things that no one else would do - sent you out to do it your own way and not "helped" (including interfering). I've not played the games. Nor rushed you to you even when you've opened the door for me to. I've not given any reason for anyone to see me as a threat. Nor been so "sweet" or "easy" as to give some theory that I'm just trying to look like an angel and get you back that way. I've just been me, including the me willing to fight for what I know is right.

Which includes holding myself to not getting dramatic with you and fighting for you in the ways you expect and want me to. And I know you - you think that someone willing to fight over you and fight with you, is someone who really loves you. I also know you will do anything to avoid dumping someone or admitting that you screwed up - including opening the door for others to come in and create conflict that you can then blame on them as your reason for ending things. 

I won't play that part.

I know that both pisses you off, scares you, and amazes you.

It's actually kind of adorable.

Anyways. 

My love...

My brat...

I must work.

And be momdad.

And prepare for your return.

So you keep doing whatever you think you need to.

It'll just give us more to laugh about later, when you've fully and consistently come back to this dimension, lol.

Until then...

Despite your stubborn ass...

I still love you.

Always.

Forever.

Completely.

Dear Cabbit...have a little faith in me..

I won't pretend to know everything.

I know a lot.

Mostly cuz I pay attention and listen.

Though I don't know everything.

What I do know, is that this is your turn to find your faith - in Spirit, in yourself, and in me.

I know it's hard to translate & understand the boundary I just set, esp as I didn't set it with my usual extra effort to be empathetic.

Though that's in large part to my acceptance that you're in the other dimension and not going to "understand" anything I do, regardless of how hard I try to be fair, kind, and reassuring.

So I figured I might as well just make it plain, and set the boundary in a Spirit of what is best and fair for me, the boys, and for you - then back way way way off.

To let you see that I am NOT the one trying to control you or the one causing problems in your relationship.

Cuz clearly, even just being your friend and applying minimal boundaries with messes up are making that create the need for them, are only going to further your paranoia and attempts to use me as your Patsy for why your life is falling apart faster and faster.

Anyways.

I know these moments of separation are horrible, and that you likely feel like I've given you the "final cut off".

I haven't.

Though I know it's no use to explain that to you now anyways.

So I'll focus my energy else where, and leave you be to go through your final towers on your own.

Which you need to do in order to prove to yourself that you can do it, and come out better on the other side.

Plus, it's easier in this moment to keep having faith in you and loving you, from a much bigger distance, until you show me you're coming back out of the other dimension.

Which I'm confident is going to come quicker than even I expect.

Just need to have a little faith my love.

That you're never really alone.

That you can do this.

That things will get better once you face your fears.

That I would never actually abandon you.

That I'm just as intentional now as I've always been - and am doing this because I know you're ready, and I'm ready, and cuz I trust Spirit to do the driving.

And that I'm ready when you are.

All you have to do is reach out.

It's that simple.

I know you'll see that soon.

Until then, I love you always.

~ Empress

Dear Cabbit...I hear you...

I feel I hear you saying this today..

"One day..

I looked in the mirror..

And saw myself..

The way you see me..

I saw you within me..

And he within you...

Living reflections..

So crystal clear that it freaked me out...

Yet also fascinated me in a way I don't have words to describe...

It made me feel alive...

Then I finally understood what you meant..

How I can always find you..

By looking WITHIN..."

I love you.

Always.

Dear Cabbit... nobody knows it but me...

My dearest...

I heard that song in store two days ago on first super full moon...it made me laugh...

As did me showing you my psychic prowess...

Which is funny...cuz it wasn't even me who called it...it was Maverick...

Though I give myself some credit for following my intuition based on her prediction, which I know totally creeped you out.

As did when I told you I kept hearing and seeing that song "nobody knows it but me"...

This time though, I laugh for two reasons: 

The first is cuz actually, it's ME who knows how you're really feeling. Sometimes even when you don't; and is does kill me sometimes to know that, and see you still trapped behind the mask of narcissism you have believed is your protection.

I've been hearing that song in my head again.

Last night, when you never responded to the meme or music I sent you; never got to me the starter list of ways you want to be in our boys lives; never even reached out to say goodnight.

And this morning; while I still await your return goodmorning - it's 9:11am already..

I know if the QoSr is attempting to stay out of trouble with the schools, that she'll wake you up even if you wanted to sleep...which kind of makes me laugh...

Especially with your sexist as beliefs about the woman handling all the school stuff...cuz now you have to be involved, and not even with your own kids, or even anyone grateful for your involvement and for providing the house and environment where schooling can be accomplished.

What's funny, is that I know the song I'm hearing is how you're feeling, though I'm also feeling feisty. I have like 50 different tactics in my head, that I know would totally shift your energy and create towers of different proportions.

Though considering how gentle and feminine I felt yesterday, I'm wondering why I feel so masculine and fighty today.

Why do I feel like triggering you?

Why do I feel like challenging you?

Why do I feel like breaking you and building you back up?

I feel like challenging your deep seated sexism...of treating all women the same...badly...as if they are all just different versions of your mother and ex wife...

And challenging your excuse about how not having a dad means you don't know how to be one...to which I want to ask you if it would be easier for you to write a list of ways you want to be their mother...

Or rather...to tell you that I've decided I don't want to be "mom" anymore, I want to be "dad".

I want you to be concerned for their emotional well being, and nutrition, and schooling, and all that jazz.

And I'll just work and come home and drink.

I'll help with discipline when there's no alternatives, and talk to them about girl troubles.

And whenever you're upset about how little I really do, and how much trouble I add onto your work load without giving back - I'll just tell you your being too emotional and controlling, and just like your ex wife.

And then go hang out with guys you know I am attracted to, and when you get upset, I'll tell you that you've nothing to worry about in terms of me cheating; not because I have good boundaries and won't do it, but because they have your boundaries and won't do anything with me.

That way, you can think about what might happen the day they change their mind.

And how, if I see that as logic, along with leaving you with all the financial and familial burdens and to blame you for when things are chaotic because your doing a job meant for two, then you might also reason that I'd justify being with others and ghosting you whenever it suits me...

The man learns what it's like to walk in his woman's shoes.

The man learns karma.

The man feels remorseful.

Why do I keep hearing that old joke?

"The man does this"...

And why do I feel like telling you that I forgot my own rule; that whenever you cook up something kinkier in your mind that what I thought of, then we'll do that.

Though this time I'll apply it to you accusations.

So if you call me controlling, I'll be controlling.

If you say I'm intefering, I'll interfere.

If you say I'm "high caliber", I'll act that way.

I want to tell you, "you're not the boss of me."

And also to tease you..

To just send the words "complete control"..

Or to say, "you have complete control"...

Why are these thoughts coming in?

That's what I ask myself these days..

Thinking about my thinking...

Metacognition...

Discernment...

I feel that the emotions I'm feeling are yours...

The thoughts are mostly mine...

The impulses...I'm not sure about those...

I feel very connected to you..

Even without words...

I know things are happening.

As I told two of my close friends; I know you, and I know that if things were going well, you'd be bragging, talking all the time, and smiling. 

Heck, if they were even just "ok", you'd be exaggerating them to seem extra good.

I just thought about when you last came over and tried to give my family there impression that everything was good and getting better, and that all you needed was for me to call and ask to be removed from you rental insurance...and that everything would be even better...

And I told you that you should be more realistic when you tell ppl how things are going, otherwise they don't understand when you're not being responsible; seeing the kids, paying child support, helping them out and returning the favors they bestowed upon you...

And what I see in my mind...

Isn't just you saying, "oh yeah...I guess I should be more realistic..."

It's the thoughts that likely went through your head at that moment I said that...

Something like, "I never could get anything past her...idk why I even planned to try...she knows I'm miserable...that this is just a power grab...and a placation...and probably knows even more about what's going to happen next then I do.."

I remember that same day I warned you about many things...

The cycle...

The likelihood of you getting scammed and screwed by those two over and over...

You coming to me and telling me you were hearing my voice in your head saying "I told you so" all the time...

And telling you that you don't appreciate me...

At least not until you find yourself faced with the very things I warned you about...and then feel like a dick...as you've told me many times before.

And now...

I think about your current adventures in learning about appreciation...

Or rather...in attempting to "teach" appreciation to the karmics around you, by severely limiting money.

By allowing yourself to be fully drained.

All your bank accounts but one - ironically the one you got with me through my mom, and gave had longer than any account you've ever had..

Allowing all your credit cards to run under..

Not taking on as many jobs as you could.

Working late but not actually working.

Spending what money you do have, mostly on your cheap beer and liquor.

The rest only on ramen and cheap foods...

Which to tell the truth, I don't fully believe.

I know you sneak in fast food for lunch.

I also know you have horrible boundaries, and to uphold a lesson teaching of that caliber, you'd have to have very strong boundaries.

Though what I love in thinking about you even just talking about it - is that despite your pechulant arguing in person, you always do what I ask on the bigger stuff.

I almost feel called to send you a simple text saying; "Thankyou for nearly always doing what I ask. I appreciate that."

Not necessarily for a response.

Mostly just as a way of saying "I see you."

That you heard me when I said you didn't appreciate me, and you realized you didn't, and then started seeing all around you how you were not appreciated either. 

Then you asked for the outline, and not only did it throw you that I didn't ask for any of the dry material things that others would, but that I specifically asked for all of us to be good examples and empathetic.

And to look at the ways we were traumatized as children, and be sure we're not doing that to our kids..

And I see that you've been seeing all the bad boundaries...the emasculation...the lack of empathy...the bad examples...

And you've been attacking them all around you..

And within you...

Especially since I teased about the version of me in your head, still has "Complete Control"...

And about my "nefarious plan" to win you over via "enlightenment", lol...

It's funny...

Cuz I know now...

That if you listened to all that stuff and then some..

If you took in what I said when I pointed out some no right to be upset at Goldenrod for calling you out, when no one held you at gunpoint and forced you to make this mess that you have..

If you took it to heart when I told you I wanted you too be a REAL dad, and one who put the kids safety first - esp in NOT driving drunk with them.

If you took it to heart when I said you don't appreciate me, and you don't appreciate shit...

And you started bucking up after I sent you that outline...

I know you heard the rest too...

That you're coming back to me.

Not cuz I demand it, or forced it, or interfered.

But because you want to.

Because you love me like no other, and you finally see the real me, who loves you like no other.

That you're going to come to me and pick me up in a hug and swing me around like you did with our youngest...

That you can do anything you set your mind to.

That you are going to be a famous Rockstar.

That you deserve to be treated well.

That I have faith in you.

That you always end up doing the right thing.

That you tattle on yourself.

That you're a high caliber guy.

That you hate to be controlled, and can't stand guessing games.

That your smart and can tell when you're being manipulated.

That you can get yourself out of any traps.

To trust your Intuition.

To follow your heart.

To be honest always.

To stand up for yourself.

To stand in your truth.

To be brave and don't be a coward.

To work on your self worth.

To love yourself...

To remember that the easier you are to trigger, the easier you are to control and manipulate...

And that you're worthy of anything you tell yourself you're worthy of...

And that also means you heard me about me..

When I said that every other weekend is a schedule for deadbeat dads..

And all the times I said I'm not your ex wife or other ex's..

And that I love you.

And that my wish is for you.

And that I appreciate you and believe good things about you...

And that you are so good, I could never imagine my life without you in it...

And when I told you it was best to learn to appreciate ppl like your ex's and the current karmic; for they show you who you really are...and show us how we really want to be, whenever they do the negative things they do...

When you ask me...

As I'm sure you often will..

Starting very soon...

How did I know?

How did I know what you were going through and that you would be back?

This is one of the many reasons I'll list...

Because I know you listen to me...

And it shows...

Dear Cabbit...I wonder what you'll name this chapter?

Between the things you've been telling me, and the signs I'm getting from spirit....

I know that this chapter of separation you've been writing...is completing...

Dear Cabbit...you don't fool me a bit...

Cuz I recognize the cycles and I know your patterns...the fact that you've brought your old Queen of Pents reversed back into the picture...plus her upcoming bday, which you used last year to create the separation from me, rather than being accountable to what we were trying to build...

Dear Cabbit...wow...the readings are getting creepy accurate...

The tower card keeps coming up in my readings today...and towers moments for your situation are coming in other readers readings...plus...it's a 12 and 16 day...the Hanged Man and the Tower...

I sent you just the word "caution" a little earlier...

Dear Cabbit....yes...I am going to start saying "goodmorning" in other languages...lol

 I decided after the first two "goodmornings" that went well, that I wanted to change things up every day, just for fun...like the one day that I said "good aftermorning", cuz it was almost afternoon...and then yesterday I said "good day" in spanish...and then this morning "goodmorning brat" in french...

I have to admit, it was so hard not say "goodmorning ring leader of the clown circus", but I thought better of it, considering I know the energies are all over the place...

I think tomorrow I'll say it either italian or hungarian...then in gaelic...then I'll find some other languages to go through...and then I'll look up different ways to say it in english, that just aren't used as much. And maybe some stuff like "Top o the mornin to ya", hahaha....

Dear Cabbit...what happened at 1:30am?

 I woke up this morning...30 minutes before the moon was at 100% full...and saw it was right over the bedroom window on my side...smiling down at me...

I knew you're heart was wrapped in that moonsmile...and that somehow you were signalling to me, that exactly what I intuited and have had confirmed by my fav readers...is happening...you're waking up fully...and freeing yourself...I just know it...

Dear Cabbit...the quad debacle...

This afternoon was so funny.

I admit, I've been in a "mood" lately...procrastinating getting ready for school to start...wanting to spend time by myself...and just being rather gwumpy...

Though I told myself, that was no reason to be snippy w/the kids, or to get in the way of them getting to have fun - including w/me...even though I 'didn't wanna', lol.

Dear Cabbit...feeling you might find your way back to this blog again soon...

 You know...it's funny...moments like these, when I realize I intended for this blog to be a mix of memories you missed - so you don't really "miss" them, and my feelings and stuffesses...it's moreso become a blog of my thoughts, feelings, intentions, and "vents"...

Though I'm very glad for moments like the one we just shared...where I told you its hard not to want to tell you all about the adorableness happening hear w/our youngest and his friend, and the quad...though I know that you're working...so I'll just go back to the "DC blog" and add it...

Dear Cabbit...that night we almost kissed...

I keep seeing visions of it...

I know you're thinking about it a lot...

Dear Cabbit...You can do this...

 You know...the funny thing is, I never needed to be psychic to know that these moments were coming...nor an astrology nerd...just a psych nerd...and well...someone who pays attention, not just to what ppl do, but to what they consistently don't do...

Dear Cabbit...the FM in Pisces approaches...time to free yourself...whether you like it or not...

After all the cards that have come up in my readings, and readings from other readers I trust...I feel like Spirit is telling you "Ready or not! Here I come!", and bringing in tower after tower, to complete the ending of a situationship you were ready to and supposed to free yourself from months and months ago...

Dear Cabbit....compromised fb msgr?

 Idk why, but I just feel like throwing this in as more of a thing to check on later...like documenting what I sense...which is that your fb msgr feels like it's been taken over by that rev queen of swords...there's just something strange about how easy and flowing it is when we text vs when I try to send you anything via msgr...

It's also hard not to want to get bratty and test that out...lol

Anyways...sending you my prayers for taking back your manhood, getting un-castrated, and freeing yourself from all toxic and karmic cycles that could even allow for the potential of that sort of situation...I know you can do this...and are almost there...

Though until you are 'there'...you're in my prayers...

Forever, Always, and Completely...

~ Empress...

Dear Cabbit...ham sandwiches...lol

 Our youngest just came out and brought me a ham sandwich.

I told him that I LOVE that he's feeling so generous and being such a big kid, and was looking at the sandwich seeing that he only put one slice of cheese and meat, which I decided I wouldn't mention, but I noticed there appeared not to be any ranch (his fav to add to ham sandwiches) and said "Hey, what's w/the no sauce?"

I love his response. He told me that it was in between the cheese and the ham slice, and was the "secret sauce!", which he isn't old enough to realize just how funny that really is, but it was funny enough on it's own.

I can't wait to be able to share those moments w/you...and am sad that there are so many moments like that, which you're missing out on now...

Come home to us soon my love...there's so much heart warmth to experience...it's time to embrace it...

Dear Cabbit...what I'm most excited for...

You know...it's funny...

There are many things I could be most excited about...and I'm sure there are many parts of our mind that believe it has to do w/having you physically andor financially...but that's not it...

You know what it is?

It's that first REAL hug...

That moment when you sink your face into my neck and let the waterfalls soak into my shirt...

Dear Cabbit....sometimes I'm scared of getting what I want...

 I know you can relate...

Sometimes the idea of getting the love and the success and the appreciation and all the things that we've always wanted...is scarier than continuing to stay in cycles that keep us from getting what we want...

Dear Cabbit...I can tell that you want to make things right...

And being that Sept is quickly approaching, I have this pending feeling that's growing w/in...which was there before those readings came up. Hence why I see them as confirmation, along w/the personal readings I've gotten from a couple of trusted readers, rather than taking them as the oracles of what's coming. Learning to trust my own intuition and the confirmations that come AFTER them, rather then before them...

It's interesting though...as free will is so much at play, and you are naturally such an indecisive and sensitive being, that you nearly every day, in thoughts as well as actions - in terms of what you want to do. Heck, you often change hour by hour - making you predictably unpredictable, and making it hard to have more than a general sense about what's going to happen. It really forces me to go w/what my heart knows to be true...which is to disregard your current karmic behavior, and keep having faith that you're coming around in your own time...

Anyways...Sept is when I've been told and retold, is when you'll reach out.

Dear Cabbit...if I had it my way...

You know...

Our interaction the other day, when I had to burst your bubble and tell you that the boys do NOT feel like they can call you for anything...and in fact, don't even really want to reach out to you much anymore, cuz of the way you've been w/them since you left...and for our oldest...even before you left...most of his life really...and your first reaction was to suggest that they're just getting 'too many stories' from everyone...shows me that you're still going back to your old deflection tactic...to try to suggest I'm being like your ex's - and telling them that you're not there for them, when in fact, I've been more on your side - ESPECIALLY in front of and to our kids....than anyone else including you.

Dear Cabbit...something clicked...

It's been 6 hours since you've been online...since you said you were "working" on lunch...

Since you said "crazy times right"...and I responded w/"We'll make it"...and told you that's what I tell myself when I cry..."we'll make it"...

Somehow...it feels like that got through...of all the things...at all the times...it did something...

Dear Cabbit...the first ring...what a memory...

Yesterday...as I was walking and ranting to my voice recorder...

I was crying and asking myself why I believed that you ever had feelings for me...

And what kept coming into my mind...was the memory...of you coming up to me when I sat on the counter by the stove in the shoreline house I used to live in...and you put...what I still swear, was your fathers blue sapphire ring on my finger...I even put it on the "none wedding" hand...not assuming you meant it as anything other than an "I like you gift"...and you spoke up...and said that it belongs on the RIGHT finger...the wedding finger...

That memory still lingers today...

It feels like a promise you made...

One it feels like you've taken back a thousand times...even before I let your friend convince me to give it back to you in a dramatic display of upsetness at how you'd been treating me...yet...it still feels like a promise that my heart holds onto...the way you looked at me...the way you gave it to me...the way you kissed me when I wore it and smiled...the way you looked so sad when I put it back in your hand...praying you would grab my hand and put it back on and say, "baby...please...wait for me..."

I have dreams about you doing that w/the rings you got to propose to me w/last year...or nightmares really...little stories and fantasies my mind tortures me with...the fantasy that you might ride to me in the night...like so many readers have predicted...and put that ring on my finger..and say sorry for being such an incredible jerk to me...and ask me...if there's any incredible way I can wait for you...to free yourself from the mess you've made....

Crazy, huh?

Dear Cabbit...our youngest wants to make breakfast...cuz he's feeling 'generous'...

Though nothing else feels right..

Not working on the website for my growing business...

Not calling my friends...

Not even laying down and going to sleep...to at least pretend I can not care for a while...

Just doing this...just writing to you...for no apparent reason that makes any sense to any sane person...

But I'm gonna do it...until it doesn't feel right anymore...

Until then...I want to tell you about a conversation I just had w/our youngest when I was in the kitchen...before the moment w/the window and the rain and the weeping earth...

He told me that he "must" make breakfast for everyone today.

Dear Cabbit...rain and cheesecake oreos...

As I finished that last post...and let the waterfalls free themselves from my eyes...I decided to go inside and get more coffee...and something to put in my tummy...cuz despite the fact that I feel repulsed by the idea of eating...my body still screams at me if I go too long w/o eating...and what really sucks about that...is I never feel "full"...like I'm always starving...just less starving when I eat something...which is how it felt when you first left...not just this year...all the times 19 years ago...every time you left...and it feels that way now...as I can feel you "leaving" me again...temporary or not...

And when I went to look out the kitchen window...and stared at some liquor on the counter, thinking about if that would take away the pain...for a little while...I saw that it had begun pour outside...and I heard the phrase, "when you weep...the earth weeps with you..."

Then I saw some cheesecake oreos on the counter...and that reminded me of Cabbie...and the nights you made sure you had some carrot cake oreos...and were telling me you were going to come find me for your bday...it feels like it's time for another cabbie and whiskey night...

I hope you share it w/me this time too...

Though I won't expect it...having such expectations w/you...hurt...

Dear Cabbit...I'm all over the place today...why?

Really...I've been all over the place for days...

I was in a good place this weekend, even w/the curveballs you threw me...

And confident about holding the boundaries I set...

I could see what was coming this week...the quiet...the strangeness...the emotions...the releasing...

Then it really hit me...

A few nights ago...

The crying...the resentments...the drop...

Dear Cabbit...I have released you...the old you, that is...

There is the oracle card that a lot of readers pull up - it says "release your ex"...

A fitting suggestion w/all the energy of this year being "return of the ex's"...lol

I realized months ago, that also included releasing you and you releasing me...though it didn't feel right to just write you off, and release faith in us...until I realized that it wasn't that I need to release "you", but I do need to release the old you...and the old stories...and stop beating the drum that says you're toxic, and immature, and abandoning us, and being a dick...the old you that hasn't chosen or prioritized me...or the boys...not even your daughter...

Dear Cabbit...I want it all to be "easy"....

 I had more audio dreams this morning...this time you and I were talking about the coparenting stuff...and you were afraid that I want a whole bunch of complicated "fine print"...and I told you, "I don't want it to be that way. It is that way, cuz you have trouble seeing what the simple healthy stuff is...like...I want to be able to just say, "have empathy for them, and be healthy w/them", but you don't seem to naturally do that...like when it comes to you and her being intimate around the kids; hers as well. That's just fucked up to all of them, and you know it, cuz you had to deal w/that growing up, and weren't allowed to have feelings about it. So how can you do that to any kids, esp your own? And w/things like letting her be rude when your son is trying to talk to you, and when you are trying to

Dear Cabbit...trying new things...

The other day...I had a total meltdown...

Though I didn't give up...not even when our youngest wanted to go out...and I was afraid I would break down and cry around him...instead...I tried something new...I told him ahead of time, that I was emotional...and grieving and missing you...and that I wanted to go to a diff park where there would be less ppl, cuz I might cry...maybe even a lot...he was so good...and agreed we could go to a different park, rather than the one he loves...and didn't get scared when I was emotional...

Dear Cabbit...our youngest finally slept in the bedroom w/me all night...

I know...this seems like a funny thing to be happy about...

Though it's more in the conversation that the "aha" happened, then in the actual actions...

You see...for this whole time, unless he'd had melatonin, he always got up after I turn the tv off and start to go to sleep, and goes to gma's room and sleeps in there...

I've tried many times before, to try to get him to sleep all the way through the night w/me...mostly, tbh - just to give Gma a break, and because I spent a lot of time still sleeping in the rv...cuz it's still hard to sleep in that bed w/o you...though I keep trying...w/allowances and grace for myself...for still being human...still having feelings...for still not feeling okay calling it "my room"...cuz it's not...it's not "home"...not w/o you...anyways...

Last night...me and our youngest had a convo that went something like this after the tv went off...

Him: "I'm having trouble sleeping..."

Dear Cabbit...it's because I can still surprise you...

There are many reasons I see, that I know why you "love the way I love you"...

Though in thinking about it throughout the years...

It's mostly because I've always been able to surprise you...

In being different than other women...other people in general...

From jumping on you in the attic...to leaving a permanent feeling on your nipple and ears...

Dear Cabbit...I found my "beach" shirt today...

 It's funny. I was just thinking earlier about what part of the cycle we're in...and how close we are to the point where you jumped into the situationship you're in, which is about the same time you'll both jump out of the situationship...and it was just after that...after our first few uncoupling sessions...when I invited you to the "not a date date lunch date", and right after, tried to see if you wanted chicken strips after I'd gone to the dollar store and saw many syncs, and bought that blew shirt that said "I'd rather be at the beach".

I found that shirt today.

Dear Cabbit...I know you're scared...and up to something...

...and I know you know I'm up to something too...

We tend to do that to each other...lol

Anyways. I know you're almost free. Your silence confirms it actually, as does your actions over the weekend, which were weird, cheeky, and funny af. Especially when I noticed you noticed that I didn't act in the ways you expected, and am still in this moment, not acting the way you expect.

Dear Cabbit...Thievery...still laughing about your trip to the park...(warning, harsh sarcasm ahead..)

 More and more the past few days...

As I've become comfortable w/the idea of just doing my work and allowing you to come back to me for a change....I keep seeing panthers...and black cats..and peaches...

Dear Cabbit....it all works out....

You know....it's funny...

The absurdity of where we are in the cycle...

And w/synchronicities....

I know that if I'm seeing all the syncs and feeling the way I feel, that you're getting a bunch of syncs too, and it's probably making you laugh between the tears as you get free from the circus...

Dear Cabbit...I don't know what you're up to....though I'm curious to see how this plays out...

Tbh, I almost had a panic moment yesterday, when you ambiguously first revealed that you were bringing the remaining karmic and her kids to our youngest sons 9th bday party today. 

The emotions that have gone through my mind, have ranged from:

Dear Cabbit...the tower in the judgement...

Idk if this is going to be "goodbye" for a while or not...

I do know, I'm tired of hurting...

And waiting...

And I can feel myself naturally pulling away from the SoU, this blog, and other things connected w/you.

At least for a time.

I feel pessimistic, vulnerable, and hopeless.

All except for one little red thread...that hopes that somehow...somewhere...spirit will bring us back together...

Even that feels weak right now though...

I love you.

I'm tired of missing you.

And you seem to feel all attachments to me and kids is too huge of a burden...

So I might as well do the honors for you, and cut those ties.

Hopefully I'll be back to post again soon...

Though if not...

You know why.

Dear Cabbit...it's Lionsgate....roar...

Today is Lionsgate...8/8/2020

It's a "16" and a "20" day...the Tower and the Judgement...

Or the "Tower" w/in the "Judgement"...

Idk what all will happen today - between us and in the greater world.

I do know, in some way, it's going to be historic and memorable.

Dear Cabbit...swimming in jello...again...

There's a "feeling" that a friend and I have dubbed "Jello"...

When you feel things happening around you, and feel like you need to be doing something or stopping doing something, and also like the best thing to do at the moment is nothing at all.

Dear Cabbit...visions of you coming for me...

Dear Cabbit....Gardening at the Fork in the Road...

Dear Cabbit...like moths to flames...

Dear Cabbit...hold on...as masks...and gloves...come off...

I'm getting the sense dearest, that this weekend is going to be one that'll be spoken of for a while...

Especially w/the aqua full moon w/the sun in leo on monday...

That means a huge build up of energy between the Group and the Individual...

Between surrendering to the Group and "Traditions", and Standing in Personal Power...

W/everything you've described was coming up...

On top of this week building up to that full moon...

I get a sense that karmics are going to start flashing their teeth, removing the masks they've been wearing, and start going towards the more forwardly 'aggressive' side of the 'passive aggressive' tactic..

Revealing the depth of narcisstic energy that's been consuming them for quiet some time...

Not a pretty sight to see...

It feels like this is happening cuz you've been upholding your boundaries, a feeling which fills me w/faith that you intend to continue to do so...

Dear Cabbit...the first step is the hardest, and you've already taken it...allow the cycles to close...

My Dearest...

I know you feel like you're struggling right now...

Esp w/you still having the second scariest karmic to get out of your house...

Thankfully, you have already take many first steps - which are the hardest ones.

I know you've even taken several steps to tell her that you're done w/her.

So it feels like the next "first step", is into authenticity - into standing in your truth, and owning your bs.

Dear Cabbit....approaching full 360...

I realized something in the last few days my love...

That this 360 energy, that kicked off when you got storage #360...cuz you were afraid to end up where you were when I met you...

Well....when you got it, you sent up a rocket that started manifesting everything you went through w/the ex wife....like literally everything...

And not even just when we met...

Dear Cabbit...the coming Towers of the Lionsgate Portal...time to free yourself...

Oh honey...
This energy is so funny...
As you can see from previous posts, I'm feeling it too...
Old issues resurfacing...
New issues appearing...

There's a lot going on..
And there's some big stuff to come...
Especially as the 8/8/2020 Lionsgate Portal approaches...

Dear Cabbit...the Reggae Concert...and the 360...

I think I finally understood something a few minutes ago...
I was thinking about the Reggae Concert you said you wanted to go to a summer or so ago...
Where you didn't want me to go...and fought really hard to get me to not want to go and not want to figure out why you didn't want me to go...
It dawned on me...
That you have acted the same way w/me and all the hiding of things...
As you did when we first moved into the apartments, and your first ex and CT were having an affair, and asked you not to tell me, cuz you worried I would tell your friends girlfriend and daughters mom...
And the same way you acted a few weekends ago...
When you tried to suggest to me you should bring the kids home early cuz you were going to your sisters and a certain friend was going w/you, and you didn't know how late you would be...
Which I saw right through, and called your bluff by telling you that you could have them out as late as you liked, and then not asking for any details about what was going on...
Then when you dropped them off, you were drunk as a skunk and admitted that you'd also had your ex-wife over doing things w/that particular friend.

Dear Cabbit...interesting syncs today...

This morning I woke up nearly exactly at 5am.
I saw from the msgr thing, that you'd be online at 2am...
Somehow I knew from that...that you'd been in some conflict w/at least one of the "Roommates"...
It's funny...my good friend and I have been calling them that now too - "the roommates".
Not even "your roommates" or "his roommates".
Just "the" roommates.
Getting further towards detachment to them in any of our lives in thought and word...

Anyways...
When I woke up, I kept hearing "Beyond" by Leon Bridges...
The part where he says, "Do you think it's foolish if I don't rush in?"
and "I'm scared to death that she might be it...that the shoe might fit...will she have my kids? Will she be my wife?"

Dear Cabbit...the emotional complexity with filing for child support...

It's funny...
It was 3 days ago, when I was talking to a friend about my plans to move the boys and I out.
I made a joke about how that was likely only going to happen when I could force myself to file child support.
That became curious and asked me why I didn't want to file for it.
Which started off a cascade of thoughts that are still going in and out of my mind.

One of my first thoughts, was about how interesting it is, that just about everybody I know, would've already filed when the fighting began and been all too happy to have been getting their cut and using it to do things their way with the kids.
Not me though...
I thought about it during that week it was time for you to leave.

Dear Cabbit...the reason I'm not in a rush nor worried...

You know...
Since you left...
I've thought a fair amount about that first time we went out to a bar together...
After my 21st bday...when you took me out w/your earliest ex...and she was dancing all over your lap while I was over playing pool...watching...and hurting cuz that didn't feel like something I was welcome to do w/you...and feeling disrespected...not so much by her...but by your lack of desire to tell her that wasn't nice to do to you, when she knows you're taken.
Especially considering that she was only doing it to make her boy toy of the moment jealous; meaning she was using all of us, to create drama for her own entertainment.

There are still many things I don't fully understand about that day.
Though there's something that came out of it then, that I'm finding myself w/an upgraded understanding of - which is the attitude I attempted to practice that night; not worrying about it, cuz I knew you were going home w/me at the end of the night, and going to keep coming home to me all the nights after that.

I remember when you gave me a shy and ambiguous acknowledgement that your "friend" was all over you at the bar while I watched...and I quickly told you it was fine, cuz I knew who you were going home with.

Dear Cabbit...Parenting is a lot of arguing w/our inner children...

Today I have to admit...
I was a lazy no fun mom...
I stayed up late last night - got up late this afternoon..
Not just cuz I couldn't fall asleep until after the sun started to rise...
Also cuz I had many dreams coming in about you...many of which were you arguing w/them...talking about coming back to me...telling me things you've been holding in that you're upset about still...and telling me in that sexy emperors assertive voice, the kinds of things you want, don't want, will accept, won't put up with, and will put into the relationship...
I also kept hearing the song "Best of You" by Andy Grammar, playing while this was happening...

Anyways...back to where I started...
So...I got up, and I fell into my old habit...of getting into my writing first thing, and then getting into a groove right about the time I had told the kids I'd be ready to leave for the park the day before...
I really should've just thrown them in first thing and gone..

Dear Cabbit...something feels...changed...

I have so many thoughts floating through my mind...
Like a flock of purple ducks...more like purple swans...floating in sync w/each other, and yet totally not doing the same things at all...

I've tried to post about several of these thoughts...
Though I think for today...keeping my commitment to myself, to become more consistent...is what I'm going to prioritize...

So for the sake of that consistency, I'm simply going to answer what feels like a few of the questions you're telepathically sending me...and say that I can feel you growing...and it's beautiful...I know you're so close...and are going to see that what has felt like "small steps" this whole time, has actually been the imperfectly perfect sized steps to get you to the next few big steps you're about to take...

So...
It feels like you've been asking me, "Do you still even want me?"
Yes. Silly.

Dear Cabbit...something has changed in the air...

My psychic senses can only take me so far...
So I'm not 100% sure if what I'm sensing is what's happening or not...
Though I'm definitely feeling some big things happening...
And weirdly...
It feels like the readings being shown to me...
Have been changing in a very interesting way...
The stories the readers connect w/and tell...
Seem to be matching the story of us...
From when we first met...
Where the karmic was your ex wife...
Rather than anyone in the circus...

Then the readings switch around...

Dear Cabbit...when our youngest realized when you weren't coming home for a long time...

You know...
I was thinking about this blog yesterday.
When I decided to write it, I had intended for it to be more of a place to talk about the day to day stuff, among the emotional stuff. Though it's moreso become a place to put my feelings and intuitions about what's going on w/our story.
Though I think that's going to evolve more today.

Especially after the convo I had in the car w/our youngest.

He'd been begging me since yesterday, to take him to the dollar store to get swimming goggles and then to the park to swim. I told him we would definitely go today.
It was late when I finally was ready to take him.
We left to go to the dollar store first, and I decided to put on the radio.
I had to laugh at several of the songs that came on.
"Maybe I'm amazed" by Paul McCarney...
"I wanna dance w/somebody" by Whitney Houston...
And then...of course...

Dear Cabbit...What the heart wants...smoking cigarettes....

Dearest Cabbit...
I've been thinking about the song you sent me the other day....
Smoking Cigarettes at night....
Wondering where you been...
Can't really cope w/this...
Waiting for us to come together again...
Wrapped up in thoughts of our first kiss...

I realized something funny about that song...
Which is very fitting since spirit showed it to you and you sent it to me before you even listened to it through all the way, just cuz of the title of it...and our funny history...
I realized that all the things she sings about, are not just how I'm feeling...
They're how you're feeling...
Thinking about me...
Feeling like you want to be back together already...
To stop playing this game of separation...

Dear Cabbit...writing but not publishing...

I have so many mostly completed posts I've been writing to you over the past couple of weeks.

Though either they got into things I didn't feel brave enough to leave on the internet, or no longer felt right to continue writing.

Funny enough, just the consistency of writing to you regularly, even w/o you consciously recognizing I'm doing it, feels more important than anything I actually write in here.

Funny, huh?

Anyways my Cabbit...
I see you.

Dear Cabbit...I've been writing this blog for 5 months...crazy eh?

Dear Cabbit...
I find myself feeling both exausted and restless right now...
I think I'm starting to really discern the difference between you're anxiety about me not reaching out...
And my own anxiety about not reaching out to you...
It's an interesting feeling...
Especially after being so used to talking to you nearly every day for 15 years...
This blog has helped some...
As absurd as it is...
Though I do admit...
In many ways, it sucks looking at the views and seeing none there...
Meaning you haven't remembered it's here yet...
I know you will at some point...
And when I was rolling through the posts I've made...
I had two funny thoughts...