More and more the past few days...
As I've become comfortable w/the idea of just doing my work and allowing you to come back to me for a change....I keep seeing panthers...and black cats..and peaches...
Oh! And oh my...that "picnic" of sorts that you took our boys on w/the circus...oh my...I have been chuckling w/spirit ever since I heard what was in it....I mean...peaches...chicken "tuna" sandwiches...mac n cheese...bread for making other things into sandwiches...candy....water bottles....and then both boys said you made yourself and Joey a Mac N Cheese sandwich! You thief! Taken my idea....not that I mind...I just like that the roles are reversed...lol
And somehow...as this moth floats up towards my face...it tells me that you caught the syncs too...and you choose to either make those MnC Sandwiches so they would tell me, or you just didn't stop yourself from making it, knowing they would tell me and I'd get a kick out of it...
Either way, what makes me laugh even more is that you never responded when I said, "You thief! lol"
Which tells me....you were not in a playful mood...and I know it's very unlikely to be from anything our boys did - or at very least, anything they did that wasn't warranted towards the situation they were in...
Which was a very odd situation...I hope you see that...I mean...out of no where, you bring the circus to our youngest bday party, and get the reward of public embarassment...as did her kids...and then you wanted to have us "all" come and meet you at the skate park next to the buzz inn we used to meet at, in the town where you used to live w/your ex wife's parents...down the street from where you used to do your laundry when you ungratefully lived here at my parents house - cuz you wanted to complain about how terrrrrrrible it was, and how you "never" had any money or time to yourself...which I know you've been kicking yourself about ever since you jumped into the motels w/the circus...and likely even moreso this weekend...
And I just cannot deny how amusing it was...
I knew it was intended to be part trick and part test...almost like a summer time trick or treat...
What I can't figure out though...is what you had intended, what you expected from me, what the karmic had expected, and what you thought about what you actually got...which I think in many respects, was a lesson teaching from your own spirit guides, about how silly this all is...I mean...it sounds to me...like you're not "allowed" to get a bigger vehicle like your old suburban, not cuz you've done anything wrong, but cuz your karmic got herself into an accident and thrown through the windshield of one - which aside from being part of your karma for having done that to me about nearly everything - I guarantee you, it got very exhausting deal w/the list of things we couldn't do cuz of all the sad or scary things in your life that you memorialized..deaths...births...injuries..fights...accidents...claustrophia.. swimming phobia...germ phobias...reminders of days you remember you need to be sad about...or mad about...or crazy about...it was a lot...it really was...
I imagine you're really feeling now...being w/someone else who does that almost to a worse degree than you ever did...which, as much as I wouldn't wish that sort of entanglement on anyone...I am glad you're going through it...so you can see what that's like, and that being like that is absofrickenlutely a CHOICE; we choose it every time one of those memorialized sad days comes near and when it is those days. We choose to either be sad and let it drop us into deep dark cycles of misery we drag everyone else into, or we choose to light a little candle, say some prayers and choose to make especially happy memories on those days to override the sad ones. Which does NOT, btw, ever take away the sadness completely or remove our memories of others we've loved. It just stops us from becoming like the living dead just to "not forget"...
Anyways...I mention that...cuz it makes sense now...why you haven't purchased a bigger vehicle...like you've been talking about...you're not 'allowed' to....hahahhahahhahahaa....that is so terrible it's hilarious...you really did manifest your worst fears....your ex wife in a new body...and that's who you left me for? hahahahahhaaa
That makes the whole scenario even more hilarious...that you said yes to taking ALL of them to the park to drop them off 20 mins from your house...to drive 20 mins to this house to pick up our kids...to drive 20 mins back so the kids could see her being rude to them and violating all of your boundaries, while you struggled to do all the parenting...and deal w/the leftovers picnic...which isn't a bad thing...but I have to ask...if ya'll had sandwich stuff...why didn't you or she just make sandwiches for everyone? lol
And what happened to "they only eat pizza and chicken and only drink sprite"? And what's this I heard about WATER bottles? I thought they only drank soda? I can't wait till you can explain to me if this was another attempt to copy me, or if you were just doing your typical job of being a terrible liar and total exaggerator. Either one makes sense and is still hilarious.
I'm still curious also, as to what you would've done if I had said yes to going; and what you expected..
Like...did you think that b/c you'd both be there, I would've planned to play w/all the kids and show up your lazy gf? Or have done my normal deal of cleaning up the mess around the eating area - which our oldest said he even commented about and that you of all ppl were SILENT about - as if you agreed that it was horribly dirty and that you were disappointed that no one in your circus could find a single reason it might've been nice to not eat around a bunch of trash and beer cans...not a single reason...I can think of 5 off the top of my head - 1. it's safer for everyone, 2. you'd like it, 3. it's a good example for the kids, 4. it's cleaning up the earth, 5. it's good karma - DONE.
Or would you have expected me to sit at the other table w/my laptop, doing my work and singing while you sat there w/her either all over you, or not touching you at all b/c I'm there? While you try super hard not to talk and joke w/me in front of her?
Or was this supposed to be a time that we pretended to all be friends?
Or were you gonna try to do the coparenting talks w/her sitting right there, where you know I will absolutely talk about her example to the kids as well as yours?
Or were you and she planning some kind of attempt to try to "show" me you're so "totally" in "love" and that "love grows here", with your leftovers picnic, the anti-hugging mom who yells at the kids not to touch her, and me watching you get tortured w/her pda and refusal to let you have a single moment w/either of your own kids, w/o constantly trying to get you to play a guessing game that I KNOW you totally hate....bwahahaha....I'm really laughing so hard at that...I mean...our oldest told me about her trying to do a milder version of that when you had your ex wife and her affair partner over at your house...though at that time...she wasn't literally covering your eyes so you couldn't look at anyone else or concentrate on anything other than what she was doing....and at that time, it was country rather than rap...both of which make me laugh so bad...if it's not an outright attempt to try to have a music love language w/you like we've always shared...then it's a reminder of how what we share is real and doesn't need to be forced or manufactured...it exists whether we're paying to each or not...and requires no guessing...and oh my goodness...if she ever does that shit when I'm around you, I will probably die laughing about it...and watch you blush a million colors...and then get up like an adult, and tell you that I'm laughing not only cuz I know you must completely hate that game, and also b/c it's so absolutely rude that I know you can hear your own mothers voice in your head telling you to cut the shit and stop being such a pussy, lol
And oh my goodness...what a thought...has she ever done that in front of the flowers? I sure hope so! That would be delicious torture if I ever did picture it...esp after her doing even the mild version of that in front of your ex wife...who is a total predator...and would smell the desperation and manipulation in that a hundred yards away...
Tbh though, as much as I laugh, I am upset that you're allowing yourself to be treated that way in front of any of the kids. I actually feel worse for her kids, then ours. Ours have the choice to go or stay, and I can keep them out of your mess - whereas hers aren't given any choices. She needs them in order to keep you chained to her - and to make others believe she's helpless and needs everyones sympathy - which, ironically, she could've totally tricked everyone into at our youngest bday party if YOU had told us she was coming way sooner than the day before, and she hadn't been a grumpy, anti-social, bitter of a mom and person, when ya'll came. Tbh, I thought that what looked like you two fighting and her being grumpy and you failing to cheer her up, was just my imagination - cuz she sure kept her complainer shut when I was near the tables...but after all our other party attendees - including our oldest sons friends, told me what happened when you arrived - how she embarassed both my mom and her middle child over a damn handshake, and then sat there telling them off about not touching her or standing to close to her, cuz her arm hurt...no swimming...no playing guitar...no presents for our son...not from her or her kids...just from you...no playing at the park...not even looking the least bit happy when your sister tried to sit w/her and share some good news...and then when I was over there, sitting hunched over, eating a pizza w/a frown...and pretending to be good to her youngest...who shared the same depressed look at her other two kids...all of whom looked like they got yelled at all morning before arriving, and then had new rules thrown at them...I honestly feel really bad for her kids...and not just cuz of how she treats them - but the fact that YOU stand there and LET it happen.
A man stands up for ALL children, against ALL abuses.
A woman does too. Any decent HUMAN does.
And you wonder why those kids have no respect for you, tell you that you're not the king of your castle, and create as much chaos as their mom does? I mean...it makes total sense to me...in their eyes, they KNOW their mom is using you just like all the others, they also see you being just as bratty and mean to her, and on top of that, you see how she treats them and you don't say a damn thing about it except every once in a while. You allow the neglect, the yelling, and abuse - EXCEPT when our kids are over, and the way you do it, doesn't give the impression that you do it cuz you don't want your kids treated that way, it comes across as you doing it, cuz you don't want me to find out how really bad it is there for ALL of you - and then tattle on you to Goldenrod, your fam, my fam, and others that you're attempting to give the "rainbows and roses brady bunch" story to. I'm sure you're also keenly aware, that whatever illegal thing you did to help her have her kids after they were taken by the state twice, won't ever work again - so if anyone finds out about it, which can include all the eye witness evidence of our own kids and myself, that it could equal real trouble if I was ever to go that direction. Which, to be very clear, would be for those kids. I honestly feel bad that I've not done it yet. Same w/the flower child. I can't see it as being much worse for any of them, but I also know it could be much worse...and that sometimes it's b/c of our adversities growing up, that we become very good ppl...though I still pray every day for their happiness...and freedom from abusers...I'm glad her oldest is now 18...I hope he flies as far and as fast as he can, to anywhere else but where he is...esp before she finds a way to ruin his credit and use him in all the ways she's used men...which will happen...she already uses her own kids ssi, and uses them to spy on and manipulate you...and only ever wants them around when they are either a good excuse to be a jerk, or they play on someones sympathies...which tbh, makes me feel almost as bad for her, as for her kids...cuz really...the way she treats them, they are likely to be fine once they are all old enough to be free of her...esp if they get more interactions w/ppl like me in their life...though she's going to find herself w/more interactions like that of her oldest daughter...who doesn't like or want anything to do w/her, and likely for a million good reasons.
I just hope her youngest daughter doesn't get left in your sisters position, of being the one "left" w/taking care of her when she's old and beyond reproach, cuz no one else wants to do it...I would feel so awful for her...esp seeing the way she's being treated these days..it's just not okay...she looks so defeated and depressed all the time...even my mom said something about it, and asked if she was okay when we got back to the yellow house...
Anyways...as sad as I am for those kids, I know spirit has got their back too, and is actually lining up their mom to learn the lessons needed to see how awful she's being to them and to men in general, after she's done showing you how awful you've been to me and likely even several before me...as I realized you manifested your ex wife via cheating on the person you were w/right before her...which makes more sense as to why you connected w/someone who lacked so much empathy...you didn't have much yourself after the childhood you went through...and had a lot of fears built up in you too. The universe was trying to line you up w/someone who would get you to have empathy and choose YOU, and heal those mother and father wounds. You got it, to a degree..though something about being w/me...someone who really loves you, and who isn't actually getting in your way - triggered your fears even deeper. So you needed to be back w/someone just like your ex wife...which I hope is the last time you'll manifest such a situation...it's really kind of pitiful...and this whole situation just puts so much laughter into my heart...cuz there's such a great lack of emotional discipline on both of your parts, that I know you let her violate you in all sorts of embarassing ways in front of everyone...making you look weak and absolutely ridiculous, after you spent so long complaining to everyone that I did all the things to you that she is actually doing to you and right in front of them...I mean...you can't make that stuff up...and it really doesn't get any funnier...well...except for the fact that you two have talked about having a kid together...I mean...have either of you looked at how you treat the children you both have? Or how you both treat the parents of those children once you've discarded them? Do neither of you think about that when you think about marriage or having kids w/each other?
I mean, I know that the whole reason she'd be doing it, is cuz she absolutely would go for child support the min she dumps your ass and finds a new target who doesn't know she's full of crap. With you...I'm not sure...I know you really do want another daughter...though even at that...I don't understand why, when you don't really appreciate the daughter you have, beyond nostalgic memories...and if you can't even been bothered to put your two boys first and be willing to make your home and relationship into one that is safe and thoughtful to them, then why would you want a new child? For that matter, even if you really have fooled yourself into thinking you'll be w/her long term, would you really want to coparent w/someone who treats her kids the way she does? I mean, I got close to treating our kids that way when they were little and parenting was still newer to me - and you spoke up about that, and I changed and grew out of it. She's got more kids, and two that are far older than ours...and is way worse and seems to have every excuse why she cannot grow and no reasons she can see that would be worth being kinder to her own children - which would include any child you have w/her.
If spirit allowed you two to get passed that vasectomy and all the meds she takes...I would laugh and laugh and laugh....at both of you...you're both super immature, selfish, snobby, and heartless as parents...and although I know you're coming out of that, esp as I learn to hold firmer boundaries and focus on myself while you make your mess bigger and bigger...
oh...my...
Cabbit...
You are in such a mess...
There is not a single person who can confirm you're "happy"....nor who agrees w/how you treat the kids or me or even how you allow yourself to be treated...not a single person who tells me "it's time to move on, cuz he's happy and gonna stay there"...in fact...they all tell me that you're a jerk for not seeing how great I am, even just in being willing to wait...in seeing beyond your mask...in being patient w/you...in being more ready to take on the financial & emotional burdens on my own, then to rake you over the coals via the state...and I do it all from unconditional love...and I don't keep myself wrapped up in a sad depression about it all. I find a way - through hell and high water - to work on myself, care for our boys, and glow up - while I wait. When I could have nearly anyone, and do nearly anything. I choose to wait, to have faith, to believe...and to find fun ways to spend the time in between...while I laugh at my silly cabbit...kicking his rabble rocks...and learning to find his inner being...
And thinking about the future, when we can laugh about all this silliness...about the sabatical you took for nearly a year...to find yourself...and find that you are NOT anything like the ppl of your past...and that we are exactly compatible...and that you WANT to be a great father and husband...a kind and honest man...a divine being...
It's times like these, that I hold onto, cuz they remind me of how silly it is to ever think that you don't love me, aren't coming back, aren't growing, or aren't thinking lovingly of me...cuz to be in the position you're in...there's no way...you could've picked to be w/nearly anyone...and even have found someone who was safe, healthy, and fun to be with...but instead, you dived from the frying pan right into the fire...and landed yourself w/someone who reminds you every day, how good you had it w/me...and as I watch what you two go through, I use all that contrast to grow and glow...giving you a radiant beacon of light to see and follow...and showing, that w/me you can grow. Hell, showing you that on your own you can grow - you don't even need me. It's just that I don't hold you back, I don't leave you to do everything alone, I don't bring you down (often), and I inspire you...every day...tangibly...metaphorically...in many ways...
I know I still am now.
That's what your silence means.
It also means...you're almost free...
Thankyou for that confirmation...it's exciting to add to what I already felt...
I hope my "pause" and holding of healthy boundaries helps w/that...and I hope that you see, if not now, then someday - that I did it to help you, cuz from the description I got from our kids of how things went...it sounds like you needed a boost....and for someone to be the "caller outer" of what's not ok...which part of me feels like you wanted me to do if I was there...
Idk. I could be wrong. I am actually wrong a fair amount you know.
Though I'd prefer to take the leap of faith, listen to my intuition, protect our kids, and be the guiding voice of reason, maturity, and absolutely absurdity - then to continue saying nothing and seeing zero growth.
Anyways...my dearest...it's time for a walk...and more laughter...
I love you...I can't wait to really hug you...and to enjoy an actual unfettered friendship, as you free yourself and learn to glow up on your own also...it will be beautiful...and easier than you think...
Until then..
I love you always...
~ Empress ~
