I know you can relate...
Sometimes the idea of getting the love and the success and the appreciation and all the things that we've always wanted...is scarier than continuing to stay in cycles that keep us from getting what we want...
I can feel you coming...for me...towards me...with me...allthethings...
I know it's happening...now and in the future...tomorrow and next month...this week and three months from now...you're coming back...to yourself...and once that happens...you'll stop resisting the natural desire you have to glow up and meet me on the path ahead...as you've been showing you've been wanting to do, when you show glimpses of freeing yourself from the karmic circus cycles that have held you back for decades...
I'm excited for those moments...and also anxious...
I can sense the parts of myself that would've sabetoged the coming of all I've been praying for...the parts of me that say "what if it gets bad again?" or "what if he leaves again?" or "what if I screw it up?"
Thankfully...there's a stronger voice...not a louder one...nor a weak one...not my ego...it's my inner being...and my heart...that remind me if it gets bad again...that's just more healing opps...and if you leave again, I'll be fine and you'll be fine and it'll just be yet another opp for us to fall in love w/each other all over again....and if I screw it up, I know how to forgive myself and grow...just like you're also learning to do...
I listen to those voices more than the now small voice of anxiety, that wants me to stay afraid...and stay away...and go back to defensiveness, anger, and a "tough" protective exterior...which is actually quiet exciting...as I know that as I heal, you heal...and you prove it to me every time...just like when you brought up the vaccum bags thing, and I gratefully used that as an opp to forgive myself and then you forgave me too...and somehow I know, you also forgave yourself for that...in many ways...
And being able to see that happen...like a positive snowball effect...and knowing how intense and intimate and magickal our connection is...that tells me that union isn't far...that this feeling that your mind and heart and emotions are already hear w/me...that it's just your 3d body that's at a small distance...that feels sooooo good....though it also feels scary...
Funny thing is...it's more the idea of allowing myself to believe it'll keep getting better and better...to allow myself to be "right" about that...when I'm used to being "right" about cynical things....that allowing of myself to be truly graceful, forgiving, and unconditionally loving of someone whose hurt me a lot and very deeply....to believe in spirit and in you, to see that and the fun and power and healing in owning that and deciding to make up for it...and deciding to open up to love and spirit and the joys of parenthood....like...all of that feels much more scary as an "idea", that the actually experience will ever be...which I know intellectually...but emotionally...energetically...I can still feel the resistance there...
Which I'd imagine is also how you're feeling...
That fear of what it works? What if it goes well, and then I won't know what to do b/c I'm so used to messed up entanglements that I'm not even sure I know how to be in a healthy and secure relationship? And so many other what ifs...
Though I have faith...that just like me, you're learning to truly refill your own emotional cup, and are feeling that stronger voice of your inner being, taking the place of the old anxieties...reassuring you, that after all we've been through...we both know we can survive anything...both as individuals, and as a relationship...
I know there's also a part of you that has either already recognized, or will soon recognize, that part of this was a test from your subconscious - to see...what would really happen to us, if you feel into a dark night of soul and totally blew everything up? What would happen if I saw the worst of you? And what would happen if you saw the worst of me?
Which really...is our inner children testing out that fear of abandonment...is there really not anything that can be done to lose this love? Is it that durable and trustworthy? Is it that lasting?
There's a small part of me that is scared of what comes next...the final "tests"....to see if I see what you see....to see if we've really healed enough to be able to start glowing up together in ways we weren't able to before...the ways we'll test ourselves and each other...there's so many 'unknowns'...
Though mostly...my love...I'm excited for it...
I'm excited for us each to be free, and to choose to fall in love w/each other all over again...
And this time, from a place or personal empowerment...of true CHOICE...not necessity...not from karmic cycles...not cuz we don't have any other options...not from low self esteem or lack of self worth...
That is going to be...and really...already is...so profound and healing...
And what I've wanted all along...
And b/c this journey has been so eye opening and bizarrely magickal...I know it's what you've wanted all along too...
Creepy...absurd...allthethings...in all the best ways...
