Tbh, I almost had a panic moment yesterday, when you ambiguously first revealed that you were bringing the remaining karmic and her kids to our youngest sons 9th bday party today.
The emotions that have gone through my mind, have ranged from:
* Absolute hilarity - knowing that either she or you, or both of you - are up to something. Either an attempt to rattle each other, or rattle me, or to give them image of some kind of lovely dovey healthy brady bunch that I'm making a big deal out of for no reason...
* Concern - mostly for our youngest son. It's his birthday, and if any drama is caused because of you bringing them; either from them being toxic and rude to others, or them getting upset at being called out by one of the many other folx who will be there, who are upset that you've been being unaccountable and toxic yourself, all to be with them - if that has a negative effect on our youngest, I'm going to be really upset. It's his birthday - which is most definitely a time to set aside pettiness and drama, and focus on him. Which clearly, isn't what either of you are intending to do by making this move. That is concerning.
* Irritation - as it's rude that you neither asked me nor our youngest son if he wanted them to come, or if it was okay for them to join us. Especially so last minute, and most especially when you've screwed me over financially and we're having to use our sons savings to be to have food, presents, and fun at his bday - which now includes feeding your replacement family.
* Comfort - in knowing that you know it's rude, and knowing that after 6 months of her not joining us (whether you prevented it or she didn't want to) or giving a crap about our kids - that there must be some serious problems going on, for her to insert herself onto this occasion andor for you to bring her into it - which I know you don't expect to go well; at least not by any contribution on her part - as you've told me many times that you wish and want for us all to get along and know that we cannot, cuz she is not healed enough to be able to do that.
* Disorientation - it doesn't feel good to delight in anyones pain or distress. Whether or not I like her, I do feel bad that she is distressed enough to do this, and that you're feeling weak enough to not say no because of the immaturity in all of this. Which makes me feel bad at the comfort I feel, at knowing that in combination w/her sister moving out, her bullying you into removing me from your insurance to add her, seeing how much you've actually grown and are standing in the light, and now this...that you two are coming to the end of your cycle together. No matter how toxic things have been, that is a painful experience, and I don't like to delight in the pain of others - even if it means getting what I want.
* Relief - this contrast is actually helping me to continue to choose to stand in my light. To release my old hypervigilance, anxious attachment, and even trauma based fantasy bonds - which formerly would've kept me in an anxiety loop about how I should act or what not to do. Whether to be honest or not, kind or not, real or not. About being concerned about how you might feel, or what if drama and conflict breaks out. Cycles of feeling injured by your choices, or worried about not being able to support and heal our kids when you make immature choices that negatively effect them, and about what "all this" might "mean" in terms of our union.
At this point, I feel totally supported by spirit. I do have a little bit of disease, but thanks to help from a friend, it feels flattened. Like...no matter what happens, it all leads to the same place - me feeling good and leveling up, and you two pushing each other away and messing up your own lives. Which feels especially good, cuz no matter which way the coin lands - none of it can be blamed on me. Most especially cuz, I'm not the type to say no to them coming. I'm the type to say yes - both to be polite, and because I love embracing the absurd and seeing what sort of hilarity Spirit has set up.
And I tell you what...considering some of the other characters who will be there...some of our friends...some of our oldest songs friends...and maybe even their parents...and my family - who you know is extra thick about manners and accountability...
On top of that, the tarot card for the day is the 5 of Wands reversed - DRAMA, and nearly all the readings I've listened to, have said that you are ready to be done (confirmed by your response that you don't even care if anyone ticks her off), and that this is another desperate attempt to maintain control, intimidate me, and try to appear harmless and victimized - which will backfire. Most especially cuz while I still have the vestiges of concern about what you two are up to, I feel so much freer than I've ever felt - in just the notion that I don't need to do anything. I can be myself, and know that it'll all work out - whether you all manage to pull off a rainbows and roses image all day (which will mean you'll burst when you get to your house), or if some kind of drama gets kicked up. Either way, this is all just further vindication for me, and has the added benefit of adding credibility to what I've said to everyone - most especially my concern for you being with someone who has no reservations about physically, emotionally, and financially hurting others - sometimes just for fun.
Anyways. I need to go get pizza's and toys for the party, so I'm gonna get to that and continue my prayers of gratitude, as i attempt to get out my chuckles at whatever plan you andor she have in mind today - all of which I know are going to embarass and set you off.
You're such a silly cabbit.
I can't wait till your free, and you come to me and say, "You were right....thankyou..."
Until then...
I love you.
~Empress~
