You know...
Our interaction the other day, when I had to burst your bubble and tell you that the boys do NOT feel like they can call you for anything...and in fact, don't even really want to reach out to you much anymore, cuz of the way you've been w/them since you left...and for our oldest...even before you left...most of his life really...and your first reaction was to suggest that they're just getting 'too many stories' from everyone...shows me that you're still going back to your old deflection tactic...to try to suggest I'm being like your ex's - and telling them that you're not there for them, when in fact, I've been more on your side - ESPECIALLY in front of and to our kids....than anyone else including you.
I'm really glad that I laid out the "elephant in the room" treaty before I gave you that "outline" of what we need to talk about before you can see the boys again...as it was needed long ago, for you to acknowledge that I am not your ex wife, nor will I ever be her and that no matter what issues come up and no matter how similar I might approach it to how she did when she was gaslighting you, that I am still not ever going to do what she has done; on top of you acknowledging that you owning you're not the same person, and are perfectly capable of vetting what I say is healthiest for the boys and seeing when you're being manipulated. And yes, I did notice that when you "paraphrased back" what I asked, that you avoided directly owning that - but I'm treating it the same. Esp as, I know you read it, and it's the mature path forward. So I'm holding you to it, despite knowing you're trying to use your old ambiguity 'loop holes' trick again.
Which I'm glad I'm able to do. Along w/feeling good about the way that I handled it when you suggested that they don't feel they can call on you for anything, because 'I' have 'confused' them.
Though it's been on my mind a fair amount today.
I've fought and released the urge to message or call you about it a bunch, esp as it is a direct violation of what you just agreed to, and I want you to acknowledge how quick you were to go right back into that right after you just agreed not to. Though I'm listening to my intuition and to Spirit, and allowing myself to release the feeling of needing to get that validation from you, that you did that and have you make it right...it feels like you'll resolve all of it, w/spirits help, so long as I can do my best to act as if it doesn't bother me at all that you're not putting the best of you into your relationship w/the kids, nor continuing to blame me; or at least acting as if that's why you're not working to fix this stuff.
I know that that's not really the reason, and that the true reason is that the karmic is feeling extra insecure, toxic, and reversed queen of swordsy lately, and won't 'allow' you to work things out w/me in peace. Which is actually super funny really, cuz if she'd back off and you'd take your testies back, and we worked out this stuff in a healthy, accountable, and mature way - it would actually mean far less interactions between you and me. Which I would think, would be what you'd both want, if you really are 'so in love' w/each other and wanting to me to 'go away'.
It's like you're both doing everything you can, to sabatoge yourselves from having a healthy relationship w/each other. It's absurdly amusing to watch, lol.
In any case. I've decided that the next time we do get a chance to meet and discuss the kids, or if it comes up as an opp while chatting over the phone, that I want to point out - if it were up to me, we'd have nothing but pleasant interactions that would all be easy, balanced, empathetic, kind, and authentic. That's the kind of person I am, and that's what agrees w/my core values.
I don't like fighting. I don't like unproductive drama. And I certainly don't like being the bad guy on your list, or having you be the bad guy on mine or the kids list. I want that 'warm friendship' you promised me, and to see you uphold all of the promises you've made - to me and the kids.
Though you've not upheld a single promise you made, have been entirely inconsistent, disingenuous, dishonest, duplicitous, and cowardly in how you've approached interactions and dynamics w/me and the kids. You never put them first, and have very little empathy for them. On top of that, you act like they should know they can count on you for anything, when you won't even do the simple things like text and ask how they are on a regular basis, or reach out to be a part of their first day of school, or make up for any of your truly cruel behavior towards them recently. You tell me that you're interested in them, and ask me about them, and act like you care. Though you don't show any of that to them. Which is really bizarre, esp when you're accusing me of being the reason they don't feel like you care or that they can count on you for 'anything'...
Which is even more ironic, considering that I've been very clear that I WANT them to feel they can count on you for anything. I want to hear that they call you all the time and had great talks. Feeling like you really wanted to know how they are, how they feel, and even if they feel I'm doing enough for them. I want to hear that you and they came up w/some cool plans for the weekend, and that they enjoy texting you to tell you about the little things as well as the big things.
I WANT it to be that good between you and them.
Which, I think, when either spirit or you show me the moment is right, I'm going to help you show yourself, just how and why they don't feel you care or that they can count on you - by asking you very simply, to make a list of all the actions you would expect to see from someone who cares about you, esp w/in parent/child interactions, and then to list how many of those things you're actually doing for them or w/them, that show them you consistently care about them, are interested in them, and that they can call on you for 'anything'.
I might also ask you to make a list of all the reason you think the boys would believe they can't count on you and that you don't care - which can even include any feelings you have that I might be talking shit about you or what not. So long as it also includes actual things you have done, that have shown the boys they can't count on you, and that you only care when it's convenient or doesn't make the karmic upset. Though really, it feels simple enough to ask for the first two lists. Cuz knowing you, you'll likely refuse to even do those lists, cuz there's only one thing you 'might' be able to list as something you've done that could suggest you care and that they can call on you for anything - and that's telling them maybe once or twice over the past year, that they can. Though I dont think you've even ever said that to them, and even if you have, you've shown more consistently in your actions, that they cannot count on you and that it's more trouble than it's worth to try - which cancels out a 'once or twice' moment of pretty words that aren't backed up by consistent actions.
Either way, I've decided I'm going to start approaching things w/you, in as empathetic and indirect as possible, in ways that have you reveal the truth to yourself. Since 'easy' isn't how you want it, and me just telling you directly only seems to get reactive responses.
Which I'm curious to see how that will play out, esp as, whenever you do get brave enough to have that meeting w/me and set clear and concrete ground rules about what is and is NOT acceptable behavior w/the kids, is going to include me asking you how you would feel about me acting w/a new bf, around our boys, as you've been acting w/your gf around them. Using all that you two have done and are doing, as the description of my 'new bf', and having you tell me just how you would feel if the roles were reversed. Which I know will work most effectively, but will also unfortunately very likely trigger you - as it will mean having to think about me as being w/another man, and being intimate w/him in front of the kids and you, and imaging that man being toxic to everyone including me and the boys, in the same ways that your gf is. It'll also include you picturing me behaving as YOU are behaving. Which I know you would NOT be okay with.
For the moment though. I'm just practicing releasing any feelings of needing to take action.
Spirit has already shown me it's much more effective to just hold back and leave the ball in your court.
Plus, at very least, the boys are emotionally and physically safe w/me, and when they aren't interacting w/you, then there's nothing I have to bring up and it reduces the pressure I was feeling, to push you to set ground rules so that doesn't keep happening. It fills me w/the distress of disappointment and grief for them not getting time w/you in healthy positive ways. Though as you are showing me, it's not worth chasing you or giving in to immature responses - including you not addressing the elephants in the room for as long as you do. Me pushing you, just results in you being mean to me, rather than being grateful that I don't want you to miss out on the boys growing up.
I have faith though, that spirit is working on you.
Esp as, your silences show me that you know I'm right, that you need to fix things, and that you need to free yourself from the karmic circus you're in - or run the real risk of not having any relationship w/the boys. As I would rather that, then them having a toxic one w/you.
Rabble...
Cabbit...I don't like this dynamic that has existed between us for so long...
We need to work this out...I hope spirit will spur you into wanting to do that soon...
