Though nothing else feels right..
Not working on the website for my growing business...
Not calling my friends...
Not even laying down and going to sleep...to at least pretend I can not care for a while...
Just doing this...just writing to you...for no apparent reason that makes any sense to any sane person...
But I'm gonna do it...until it doesn't feel right anymore...
Until then...I want to tell you about a conversation I just had w/our youngest when I was in the kitchen...before the moment w/the window and the rain and the weeping earth...
He told me that he "must" make breakfast for everyone today.
I asked him why, and he told me it was because he's feeling generous, and when he's feeling generous, he feels like he wants to do nice things for everyone....which made me think of you...though moreso, it made me think about me...and how I am like that...and how much of my pain, is from not being able to express my feelings of generosity and adoration to you...cuz of "strings attached"...
And then he talked about wanting to get up around 6am to make breakfast for everyone every day...
To which, my first response was that that was far too early for most ppl to eat breakfast...though that if he wanted to get up and make it and leave it for everyone as they got up, that was definitely fine...
Then I thought about how he would only really be able to set out cereal and pop tarts...cuz he wouldn't be able to "cook" anything for anyone...cuz he'd be up by himself...and then I felt like a crap mom...and knew that the only reason that time was "too early" for me, was cuz I'm feeling sorry for myself...cuz it feels like my love isn't enough to either keep me happy, or to have you here w/me...and that's pathetic...that's selfish...that's not being a good mom...
So I told him...that w/school coming up, that actually 6am is a great time...cuz our oldest usually gets scheduled to start school around 7am when it's on campas, and that if we did get up at 6am, we could make eggs and pancakes and french toast and stuff...and that reminded me of what a friend suggested I do early on...when you first left...as a part of my commitments to myself...to start getting up early, before school, to make breakfast w/and for the boys...both cuz they deserve that, and cuz it would help me be sure to be awake and ready to go on time...so we're not late anymore...
Then I remembered that I failed to do that...we did breakfast a few times...then had so many sleep issues...and I went through so many emotions...that I fell apart...and then worse...I forgot...
That brought some additional tears...
Like...on top of not being good enough for you...no matter how hard I try...I'm also not good enough for our kids...not even good enough to do laundry on time...or make cheerful breakfasts every morning...or to help them build consistency in chores...or to take them out on hikes like I said...and to the park every day...or two swim and play catch and come up w/all sorts of fun crafts and games and things to do...I can't even protect them...not from my fam...not from you...not from myself...I feel like a crap mom...
I told our youngest the other day, as I broke down crying...that I'm sorry I picked the dad that I did...someone who could abandon and replace us as thoroughly and cruelly as you have...and then felt bad...for everything...all of his life...as it has been...as it will be...I also apologized for not being strong enough...or more fun more often...and for all the times ahead, when I won't be able to be a great mom for him...cuz we'll probably have to do things alone...just me and him and his brother...
Esp since I can't even bring myself to apply for child support or food stamps or anything...putting myself in the pathetic and redunant codependent space of struggling harder than I have to...
I pray today...to be wrong...to have these feelings just be my ego traps...and some dark night of the soul...and that you'll come riding in very soon...and tell me what I told you..."those tears are meant to be mine to catch"...and hold me...and hug me...and love all my broken pieces back together...that you broke...
Crazy, eh? = (
