Yesterday...as I was walking and ranting to my voice recorder...
I was crying and asking myself why I believed that you ever had feelings for me...
And what kept coming into my mind...was the memory...of you coming up to me when I sat on the counter by the stove in the shoreline house I used to live in...and you put...what I still swear, was your fathers blue sapphire ring on my finger...I even put it on the "none wedding" hand...not assuming you meant it as anything other than an "I like you gift"...and you spoke up...and said that it belongs on the RIGHT finger...the wedding finger...
That memory still lingers today...
It feels like a promise you made...
One it feels like you've taken back a thousand times...even before I let your friend convince me to give it back to you in a dramatic display of upsetness at how you'd been treating me...yet...it still feels like a promise that my heart holds onto...the way you looked at me...the way you gave it to me...the way you kissed me when I wore it and smiled...the way you looked so sad when I put it back in your hand...praying you would grab my hand and put it back on and say, "baby...please...wait for me..."
I have dreams about you doing that w/the rings you got to propose to me w/last year...or nightmares really...little stories and fantasies my mind tortures me with...the fantasy that you might ride to me in the night...like so many readers have predicted...and put that ring on my finger..and say sorry for being such an incredible jerk to me...and ask me...if there's any incredible way I can wait for you...to free yourself from the mess you've made....
Crazy, huh?
