My dearest...
I heard that song in store two days ago on first super full moon...it made me laugh...
As did me showing you my psychic prowess...
Which is funny...cuz it wasn't even me who called it...it was Maverick...
Though I give myself some credit for following my intuition based on her prediction, which I know totally creeped you out.
As did when I told you I kept hearing and seeing that song "nobody knows it but me"...
This time though, I laugh for two reasons:
The first is cuz actually, it's ME who knows how you're really feeling. Sometimes even when you don't; and is does kill me sometimes to know that, and see you still trapped behind the mask of narcissism you have believed is your protection.
I've been hearing that song in my head again.
Last night, when you never responded to the meme or music I sent you; never got to me the starter list of ways you want to be in our boys lives; never even reached out to say goodnight.
And this morning; while I still await your return goodmorning - it's 9:11am already..
I know if the QoSr is attempting to stay out of trouble with the schools, that she'll wake you up even if you wanted to sleep...which kind of makes me laugh...
Especially with your sexist as beliefs about the woman handling all the school stuff...cuz now you have to be involved, and not even with your own kids, or even anyone grateful for your involvement and for providing the house and environment where schooling can be accomplished.
What's funny, is that I know the song I'm hearing is how you're feeling, though I'm also feeling feisty. I have like 50 different tactics in my head, that I know would totally shift your energy and create towers of different proportions.
Though considering how gentle and feminine I felt yesterday, I'm wondering why I feel so masculine and fighty today.
Why do I feel like triggering you?
Why do I feel like challenging you?
Why do I feel like breaking you and building you back up?
I feel like challenging your deep seated sexism...of treating all women the same...badly...as if they are all just different versions of your mother and ex wife...
And challenging your excuse about how not having a dad means you don't know how to be one...to which I want to ask you if it would be easier for you to write a list of ways you want to be their mother...
Or rather...to tell you that I've decided I don't want to be "mom" anymore, I want to be "dad".
I want you to be concerned for their emotional well being, and nutrition, and schooling, and all that jazz.
And I'll just work and come home and drink.
I'll help with discipline when there's no alternatives, and talk to them about girl troubles.
And whenever you're upset about how little I really do, and how much trouble I add onto your work load without giving back - I'll just tell you your being too emotional and controlling, and just like your ex wife.
And then go hang out with guys you know I am attracted to, and when you get upset, I'll tell you that you've nothing to worry about in terms of me cheating; not because I have good boundaries and won't do it, but because they have your boundaries and won't do anything with me.
That way, you can think about what might happen the day they change their mind.
And how, if I see that as logic, along with leaving you with all the financial and familial burdens and to blame you for when things are chaotic because your doing a job meant for two, then you might also reason that I'd justify being with others and ghosting you whenever it suits me...
The man learns what it's like to walk in his woman's shoes.
The man learns karma.
The man feels remorseful.
Why do I keep hearing that old joke?
"The man does this"...
And why do I feel like telling you that I forgot my own rule; that whenever you cook up something kinkier in your mind that what I thought of, then we'll do that.
Though this time I'll apply it to you accusations.
So if you call me controlling, I'll be controlling.
If you say I'm intefering, I'll interfere.
If you say I'm "high caliber", I'll act that way.
I want to tell you, "you're not the boss of me."
And also to tease you..
To just send the words "complete control"..
Or to say, "you have complete control"...
Why are these thoughts coming in?
That's what I ask myself these days..
Thinking about my thinking...
Metacognition...
Discernment...
I feel that the emotions I'm feeling are yours...
The thoughts are mostly mine...
The impulses...I'm not sure about those...
I feel very connected to you..
Even without words...
I know things are happening.
As I told two of my close friends; I know you, and I know that if things were going well, you'd be bragging, talking all the time, and smiling.
Heck, if they were even just "ok", you'd be exaggerating them to seem extra good.
I just thought about when you last came over and tried to give my family there impression that everything was good and getting better, and that all you needed was for me to call and ask to be removed from you rental insurance...and that everything would be even better...
And I told you that you should be more realistic when you tell ppl how things are going, otherwise they don't understand when you're not being responsible; seeing the kids, paying child support, helping them out and returning the favors they bestowed upon you...
And what I see in my mind...
Isn't just you saying, "oh yeah...I guess I should be more realistic..."
It's the thoughts that likely went through your head at that moment I said that...
Something like, "I never could get anything past her...idk why I even planned to try...she knows I'm miserable...that this is just a power grab...and a placation...and probably knows even more about what's going to happen next then I do.."
I remember that same day I warned you about many things...
The cycle...
The likelihood of you getting scammed and screwed by those two over and over...
You coming to me and telling me you were hearing my voice in your head saying "I told you so" all the time...
And telling you that you don't appreciate me...
At least not until you find yourself faced with the very things I warned you about...and then feel like a dick...as you've told me many times before.
And now...
I think about your current adventures in learning about appreciation...
Or rather...in attempting to "teach" appreciation to the karmics around you, by severely limiting money.
By allowing yourself to be fully drained.
All your bank accounts but one - ironically the one you got with me through my mom, and gave had longer than any account you've ever had..
Allowing all your credit cards to run under..
Not taking on as many jobs as you could.
Working late but not actually working.
Spending what money you do have, mostly on your cheap beer and liquor.
The rest only on ramen and cheap foods...
Which to tell the truth, I don't fully believe.
I know you sneak in fast food for lunch.
I also know you have horrible boundaries, and to uphold a lesson teaching of that caliber, you'd have to have very strong boundaries.
Though what I love in thinking about you even just talking about it - is that despite your pechulant arguing in person, you always do what I ask on the bigger stuff.
I almost feel called to send you a simple text saying; "Thankyou for nearly always doing what I ask. I appreciate that."
Not necessarily for a response.
Mostly just as a way of saying "I see you."
That you heard me when I said you didn't appreciate me, and you realized you didn't, and then started seeing all around you how you were not appreciated either.
Then you asked for the outline, and not only did it throw you that I didn't ask for any of the dry material things that others would, but that I specifically asked for all of us to be good examples and empathetic.
And to look at the ways we were traumatized as children, and be sure we're not doing that to our kids..
And I see that you've been seeing all the bad boundaries...the emasculation...the lack of empathy...the bad examples...
And you've been attacking them all around you..
And within you...
Especially since I teased about the version of me in your head, still has "Complete Control"...
And about my "nefarious plan" to win you over via "enlightenment", lol...
It's funny...
Cuz I know now...
That if you listened to all that stuff and then some..
If you took in what I said when I pointed out some no right to be upset at Goldenrod for calling you out, when no one held you at gunpoint and forced you to make this mess that you have..
If you took it to heart when I told you I wanted you too be a REAL dad, and one who put the kids safety first - esp in NOT driving drunk with them.
If you took it to heart when I said you don't appreciate me, and you don't appreciate shit...
And you started bucking up after I sent you that outline...
I know you heard the rest too...
That you're coming back to me.
Not cuz I demand it, or forced it, or interfered.
But because you want to.
Because you love me like no other, and you finally see the real me, who loves you like no other.
That you're going to come to me and pick me up in a hug and swing me around like you did with our youngest...
That you can do anything you set your mind to.
That you are going to be a famous Rockstar.
That you deserve to be treated well.
That I have faith in you.
That you always end up doing the right thing.
That you tattle on yourself.
That you're a high caliber guy.
That you hate to be controlled, and can't stand guessing games.
That your smart and can tell when you're being manipulated.
That you can get yourself out of any traps.
To trust your Intuition.
To follow your heart.
To be honest always.
To stand up for yourself.
To stand in your truth.
To be brave and don't be a coward.
To work on your self worth.
To love yourself...
To remember that the easier you are to trigger, the easier you are to control and manipulate...
And that you're worthy of anything you tell yourself you're worthy of...
And that also means you heard me about me..
When I said that every other weekend is a schedule for deadbeat dads..
And all the times I said I'm not your ex wife or other ex's..
And that I love you.
And that my wish is for you.
And that I appreciate you and believe good things about you...
And that you are so good, I could never imagine my life without you in it...
And when I told you it was best to learn to appreciate ppl like your ex's and the current karmic; for they show you who you really are...and show us how we really want to be, whenever they do the negative things they do...
When you ask me...
As I'm sure you often will..
Starting very soon...
How did I know?
How did I know what you were going through and that you would be back?
This is one of the many reasons I'll list...
Because I know you listen to me...
And it shows...
