You know...it's funny...moments like these, when I realize I intended for this blog to be a mix of memories you missed - so you don't really "miss" them, and my feelings and stuffesses...it's moreso become a blog of my thoughts, feelings, intentions, and "vents"...
Though I'm very glad for moments like the one we just shared...where I told you its hard not to want to tell you all about the adorableness happening hear w/our youngest and his friend, and the quad...though I know that you're working...so I'll just go back to the "DC blog" and add it...
I've thought about reminding you about this blog several times...though it just didn't seem like the "right" time...and felt like in many ways it would be used as some kind of way to make fun of me, for being human and for loving your stubborn bratty ass throughout all of this. Though you know...I think I'm at a point where I really don't care. Even if you told me you didn't like it or didn't plan to come back or share any of the same feelings, I'd still write it. Cuz while the intention is to be able to share w/you, it's also kind of just become a good place for me to write out my feelings w/o overloading you or my friends. Just a place to 'be me'. In all my weird, snarky, and "creepy spiritual" self, lol.
I'd imagine though, that whenever spirit allows you to find your way to this blog, it will be so imperfectly perfectly timed...it'll be divine timing...and that you'll love it...and also kind of hate it, to a degree. Cuz I've been honest in many of these posts, and not always "nice", and because...I know in many ways, you're upset by the fact that I won't just "give it up" and be like all the other women you've known...and like...just "get over you" or pick some new guy to "show off" with, and get bored of you. Like you've been so sure I would've done long before now....though I haven't...and it's at the point now, where I don't even necessarily have the same apprehension about finding someone to "date" or mess around with (yes, I've been 'chaste' this whole time, lol), but I still feel my stomach turn when I think about the idea of being w/anyone else - just like I did when we talked about it...and every time you put other womens needs and emotions in front of mine....and gave them your priority thoughts and time...but anyways, holding out at this time, isn't even about the old 'fantasy bonds' or anxious attachment. It's almost become my private defiance.
Like - Yes. I could have nearly anyone I want. As you pointed out - doctors, lawyers, and such individuals you and much of society considers 'high caliber'. I could also fill my time w/tons of activities and not bug you all day.
Though I don't want to.
I want you.
And more than anything, as much as I miss the romance and union between us, I miss even more - our friendship. The fun we have together. The laughter, the banter, and the wit.
I know you miss it too.
Not just cuz I know you, but cuz both of our kids say that when they're w/you and I'm not there, you are so very "serious", and I've never once seen you and the QoSr get playful w/you in the ways we do. Yes...I'm aware that you two had some playful 'physicality', but I also know that's not the same, and it's not enough all by itself.
Either way, I'm sitting here feeling amused about reminding you of this blog...picturing your face one day...when you're single...or close to it...and thinking about me...and you remember this blog...and you find it...and think about how adorable and delightfully bratty of me, it is that I kept writing you a blog since you left, and didn't even tell you about it except occassionally...just leaving little breadcrumbs...to help you find your way home...when you're ready...in your own time and pace...lol
Ha. I just had a thought. This is almost 'karma' for all those years you were chatting w/yourself on the text app, to try to make me jealous if I was snooping in your phone. Which, I'm so surprised (after having one of those now), that you didn't just tell me you had to text yourself to keep the free number, and were just being silly. It seems really odd for you to have preferred the storyline of doing it just to make me feel insecure and jealous.
Though I know in many ways, you already paid for that, just in all the years and months you expected to catch me snooping and fight about that, and it never happened. Cuz YES, as I told you, I've done my snooping. Though I didn't do it that often. I reminded myself that it was better to trust that you weren't, unless you started really doing bigger "red flag" things to warrant it, at which point I'd know we had bigger problems - cuz if I didn't feel I could trust you, and then found that my intuition was right all along and ignored it...well, at that time, it felt like a death sentence to our relationship, and that worried me a lot. I don't feel quiet that same way anymore, but I've had time to get closer to the divine, and that's helped heal the insecurities I did have, that caused me to do any snooping at all.
I do wonder...in thinking about how many bratty things you did to me, when you were self-sabatoging and trying to come up w/things to fight about...how many things you've set up as traps for the two of you over these 8 months...I know the rental insurance was one way...although, I also know that was divine intervention, esp w/them requiring to get my consent to take me off. As that actually offers you a great deal of protection, so long as I refuse to give my consent to be removed from it (for now anyways)...though I do chuckle...I'm still not sure if you did that just to brat her, or if you did it moreso to try to get me to come and "claim" my part of the house, and play into the drama...or what...though I know that unless you had a brief moment of clarity and admitted to yourself that you knew you were going to get scammed big if you put her name on that insurance, or you were just being bratty and didn't feel the hands of spirit STILL guiding you in the direction of healing and protection.
Wow...I was just on hold for the phone company...trying to delay the bill again...and they had this "hold music" song that kept repeating "rescue me, rescue me, rescue me"....I know you want me too...I know you did back when you put me on the insurance...and that you expected much greater shows of force from me, then to just call your friends and out your low vibe behavior on fb once...a reader told me back then, that you wanted me to somehow use the insurance to come and rescue you...esp on the night you sent me the pics of it...along w/the toothbrush...and cd case...and guitar wall hangers...and that note about coming to find me on your bday...like you wanted me to "make a move"...to bully my way in, as we know I both very well could have this whole time - and "take whats mine"...
Though as I told you in the beginning...1. I'm not going to "rescue" you anymore; unless you ask me too directly and clearly, and 2. I don't want you by force. I want you to want to come to me. Not only because that's far more attractive, endearing, and loving - but cuz you can't stand feeling trapped, controlled, and manipulated. Which is ironic, considering that you've been playing out your old wounds by jumping in w/someone even more controlling then your ex wife was and is, lol.
I also wonder how many ways the QoSr is doing that w/you...setting her own "booby traps" so to speak...and picking fights just to have a reason to leave...or go for a walk...or take an extra shower...or lock herself in the bedroom...or justify shitty behaviors...and how many "backup plans" she has...thought mostly, in terms of that, I wonder how many times you've "seen" it, and understood the "karma" in being paired w/her. She's your reflection of how you were w/me, and has most of the same attachment type traumas, albeit very amplified to yours - though I know she does most of the same things to you, that you did to me. And esp after you apologized for not seeing or recognizing how many of the things you did when we were together, were very triggering for me...that she is helping you grow and learn to be more mature.
And as Goldenrod told you - providing a great place for you to learn to have healthy boundaries - and to stand up for yourself and practice good self care.
Still though. It'll be great when all of this has passed, and you've healed enough that you can fill me in on all the crazy little things you two did to each other, that you now see was exactly what you needed for healing, and makes a hilarious story now...and has allowed you to learn something else you've had a hard time with...learning to be able to genuinely laugh at yourself and give yourself grace for being "human" and playing out super bratty scenarios like that, before you realized you could choose for it to be different, and weren't a slave to "rad"...or your past...or your anxiety...or anything.
Anyways...my love...
Whenever you see this blog, I know it'll bring you heartwarmth...
I almost see a vision of it happening on either a night when it's storming and raining outside....or when you eyes and heart are stormy....and you're praying for a sign...and you're wanting to know how I feel now...and if I would still want you...if I could...even w/all the nasty things you've done that I don't 'know' about...and if it's worth it for you to take the leap of faith to talk to me...to be vulnerable...
And you'll remember this blog...or spirit will give me a nudge to mention it again...and then you'll look it up...remembering that way back when, I sent you that first post...about knowing it all works out...
I can imagine you back then, thinking that it was "wishful thinking"...that there was no way I'd not just get bored - of blogging...of you....of waiting...and then you seeing this now and thinking about what you thought back then, and laughing....at yourself and at me...lol
I can see you now, even today....laughing at me just mentioning the "dc blog"....once you remember that "dc" means "dear cabbit"....cuz even if you don't visit it, that you still giggle at the thought that I'm still writing it, and the realization that part of how I've been able to "pull away", has actually been to "lean in", and just talk to you in a way that was respectful of your space and feelings, and still true to myself and my feelings...
Anyways. I totally intended for this post to be about our youngest and his friend on the quad, as I had been texting you about. Though this is what came out. See what happens? lol
Somehow you always take over my thoughts...
Don't believe me? Look at all the past posts...lol
