Dear Cabbit...
I find myself feeling both exausted and restless right now...
I think I'm starting to really discern the difference between you're anxiety about me not reaching out...
And my own anxiety about not reaching out to you...
It's an interesting feeling...
Especially after being so used to talking to you nearly every day for 15 years...
This blog has helped some...
As absurd as it is...
Though I do admit...
In many ways, it sucks looking at the views and seeing none there...
Meaning you haven't remembered it's here yet...
I know you will at some point...
And when I was rolling through the posts I've made...
I had two funny thoughts...
The first was that it'll be funny to laugh together about how long I've been writing it...
And then laugh about the fact that it's one of the most consistent things I've ever done..
Other than being w/you...and wrapped up in you...lol
Makes sense...
As it's really just a place to put the feels that don't have anywhere else to go...
The good...
The bad...
The ugly...
The weird...
It also helps me to think about my thinking...
And has helped me examine that which has needed healing in me...
Hell.
Sometimes I'll get done w/a big long rant, and then realize I just processed a bunch of stuff and then wouldn't want any of those thoughts shared...cuz they aren't "there" anymore...lol
Anyways...
As the fireworks go off in excess this year...
I find myself holding back from asking you how you're feeling about all the noise...
How your poor ears are doing...how Cabbie is...
Though even if I asked those questions...
I'd really want to be asking, "when are you coming back to me my love?"
To tell you I miss you...
To ask you when you're going to make things right w/our boys...
And to ask you tell me all about what's really been happening...
And find out when I can hug you and hold you again...
Sigh...
I know...
I'm crazy...
Thankfully...
I also know that's part of what you love about me...
Though until the day you're ready to hear that...
I'll just leave my crazy thoughts here...
In the moments when I've run out of friends to talk to...
Projects to focus on...
And my thoughts naturally drift back towards you...
I know you're fighting reaching out to me today...
Why is what I don't know...
And the why's are what make it so I won't know whether you will or not...
So I'm finding ways to soothe myself w/tonight likely being a day and night we don't talk...
And finding some way to enjoy the spaces between communications...
Somehow I'll do it...
Anyways..
Our youngest is bored and wants to go for a walk...
I hope you are well my love...
That the fire works are working you up too much...
That you're feeding yourself...
And not taking shit from your karmics...
Reach out to me soon...
Always, forever, and completely yours...
~ Empress ~
