Dear Cabbit...the emotional complexity with filing for child support...

It's funny...
It was 3 days ago, when I was talking to a friend about my plans to move the boys and I out.
I made a joke about how that was likely only going to happen when I could force myself to file child support.
That became curious and asked me why I didn't want to file for it.
Which started off a cascade of thoughts that are still going in and out of my mind.

One of my first thoughts, was about how interesting it is, that just about everybody I know, would've already filed when the fighting began and been all too happy to have been getting their cut and using it to do things their way with the kids.
Not me though...
I thought about it during that week it was time for you to leave.

And again during the ghosting weeks.
Then again when we were fighting over the car.
Then again when I was really struggling to bring in enough money just for gas to get the kids to school, and to buy myself new socks and bras.
Then again when the ridiculousness started here and you were being an extra mean brat - when I wanted nothing more than to take the kids and get out of here.

I've worked through many of my fears about it pushing you away.
I've worked through most of my self worth issues. I know I've earned it.
And I know that it's more about providing for the kids than about anything between you and me, which is something I have trouble with providing on my own.

Though I don't want to do it.
As I told you already, I resent everything about it.
I don't want the govt involved in our relationship.
I know it'll knock down everything you're holding up by a thread.

And there's still a part of me that feels like I should be able to do it on my own...
Like I'd rather struggle and suffer to find a way to pay for everything, get us into a house w/land, and leave you to do whatever you think you need to in order to feel healthy and secure, w/o ever being able to say you had to struggle cuz of what the state took from you and gave to me.

Uhg...
It's definitely a regular internal struggle.
I still haven't responded back to my friends question.
Just leaving that convo their hanging, cuz I don't want to explain it all, and that means there's no easy answers I can wittily shoot off that won't lead to a ton more questions.

Many of which I can't answer, as they would require asking you things like, "Why don't you want to work it out outside of court like adults?" or "Why are you making excuses to spend on yourself and others when you aren't providing anything for our kids?" and things like that...and as much as I want to ask you those questions, I also don't.

So I sit in this distressing middle place until I figure out how to heal the things w/in me, that are creating resistance towards me either finding a way to earn the money on my own, or to file for child support and let whatever happens happen.

What sucks even worse, thoughout all of this...
Is that I wish I could talk to you about it for real, as my best friend...
Without you feeling like I'm being wishy washy on my boundaries...
Or scaring you with my inconsistency of thoughts and feelings...

Or getting you reactive cuz a lot of this part of this mess, is not in my control - it's in yours, and your definitely not carrying your weight in either the financial or emotional aspects of parenting our children...something that sucks to have be true. If I could make it my fault, I probably would, just so I could control whats happening and resolve everything.

Which I don't even want to think about, and least of all fight about.
I'd rather just forgive and forget it, and trust in the universe to help me manifest the income that can help us get where we want to go.

And what's funny...is as absurd as I know others would tell me that is, I feel good about that.
And it brings me strange visions of you realizing over time, that I'm not going to ask you for it at all.
Of you deciding to send me more than the court would ask for, and saying sorry for ever accusing me of being like the ex's who used that same system to screw you - and us - over for 18 years.

Which is either a very psychic intuition that is going to make us all laugh after a while...or it's an entirely codependent fantasy that I'm enabling...I'm not sure which at this moment...and I've decided not to push myself to be too concerned with it.

It's more fun to imagine income flowing to me through things I love doing, than from you or my dad or anyone else that attaches unfair strings to each dollar.

Sigh...
What a mess we have created my dearest...
I know it will get worked out eventually...
I'm not psychic enough to see exactly how...
So I'm doing my best to just hold onto what intuitively feels right...
What it feels like my heart is calling me to do...

And for right now...
That's to wait..
And keep faith...