I think I finally understood something a few minutes ago...
I was thinking about the Reggae Concert you said you wanted to go to a summer or so ago...
Where you didn't want me to go...and fought really hard to get me to not want to go and not want to figure out why you didn't want me to go...
It dawned on me...
That you have acted the same way w/me and all the hiding of things...
As you did when we first moved into the apartments, and your first ex and CT were having an affair, and asked you not to tell me, cuz you worried I would tell your friends girlfriend and daughters mom...
And the same way you acted a few weekends ago...
When you tried to suggest to me you should bring the kids home early cuz you were going to your sisters and a certain friend was going w/you, and you didn't know how late you would be...
Which I saw right through, and called your bluff by telling you that you could have them out as late as you liked, and then not asking for any details about what was going on...
Then when you dropped them off, you were drunk as a skunk and admitted that you'd also had your ex-wife over doing things w/that particular friend.
Which I told you then, that I figured was what was happened.
I also know you didn't want to tell me about your daughters bday, cuz your ex wife and her affair partner were going to be there....and you didn't tell me about a whole bunch of times that she came out to see you...I only found out cuz of your sister, after the fact...
And that's how I put two and two together after you left, realizing your very strange behavior over the spring and summer, after we'd been getting along really well and making good progress in counseling..
Right after you put that proposal to me on fb actually...and said you'd told some people...
It was then that you seemed to get really weird...
Which I figured most of was cold feet, but I remember even our counselor thought it was extra weird of you, and saw through your excuses just like I did.
Though you'd get so reactive when we pulled away all the excuses, that no progress could be made.
A crazy making tactic I know karma is helping you grow out of.
Though still one that hurts the heart a far amount.
Especially considering that if I'm right...
Then this whole thing hasn't even been about your "Roommates" per say...
It's been about your ex-wife...
About you covering for her no matter how many times she hurts you...
And about you choosing to cover for ppl who are doing bad things - things that hurt many others, and then deciding to lie to me and be willing to risk losing me, rather than risk losing connections w/ppl who are hurting you...
That's why the roommates manifested...
They are more of that same shit...
They are hurting you and nearly everyone around you...
And you've been choosing to cover for them, full well knowing that what they are doing is wrong, and that cover for them is wrong and going to blow up in everyone's faces...
Yet you've been prioritizing saving your connection w/them and keeping conflict as minimal as possible w/them....over nurturing and saving your connection w/our kids....w/me...even w/your own family...and in thinking about it...it doesn't even seem like it's the connection w/your roommates that you've really been prioritizing...
It's been the connection w/your ex wife...
Like there's some part of you that wants to be her "safe space"...
Even for her to do crappy shitty things to you and others...
Which I admit...is what I've been doing w/you too...
Though I suppose the difference, is that you won't even give me the opportunity to be that safe space for you to do shitty things....you'd rather push me away by lying to me, than to give me the opp to be okay w/covering for you...
Not to mention, when you first started lying and being a jerk to me after you moved, I told you I would tell everyone the truth always - which means that you would be outed if you'd told me what was really going on.
Cuz that is one of the ways we differ.
I might cover for someone doing something like that for a min, but I would've told them to tell on themselves and be honest w/their spouses or I would, and I definitely wouldn't have lied to you.
I would've told you what was going on, and b/c I want you to see me as an honorable person, and b/c I want to be an honorable person, I likely would've told them they cannot come over or be around me, b/c of what they were doing, which is wrong.
Of course, if I'd had an ex husband who was having an affair w/the girl he originally cheated on me w/when we'd been married, you can bet for damn sure, that I would not be okay w/them having the new affair around me, and would not be okay w/them using me as the way and means of getting away w/doing that to their current spouses - ESPECIALLY considering that I would know EXACTLY how that felt to be treated that way...
Which...my Cabbit...I have to say...
Thinking about this...does put into my mind some new thoughts...
Cuz if I'm on target...and you really have been doing all you've done, just to maintain your unhealthy connection w/your ex wife....and been willing to risk your sons, your daughter, me, and nearly all other good things in your life....just to hold that connection....the same one that caused our separation fight....that's pretty disgusting...tbh...
And it's a repeat of the very first fight we had in the apartments...
One where I made very clear that you were never to lie to me like that again.
And that you needed to mature in the way you thought about it - cuz the problem isn't that I might've told your friends gf he was cheating - cuz she was our mutual friend and way better to us, then he has ever been to you - the problem is that you and they were doing things that were exceptionally immoral and hurtful to others. So the next time, it was supposed to be that you would not get yourself into messes like that.
That you would be honest w/me about what was happening from the get go...
And then you would have good boundaries and not be a patsy or a cover for the bad behavior of others ESP when it meant ruining a good relationship over for no other reason...
It's going to take me a bit to process this...
And it makes me wonder if this is what the readers have been saying about when you're ready to come back, I might not be so up for it...cuz that is something I've thought about a fair amount...
Esp w/how much you've hidden from me over the years...and how much you've been more willing to omit what you're doing...to cover for ex's and tell me you were fine w/lying to me b/c that's what you learned needed to happen w/you were w/your ex wife...
So to now see...that part of the 360 energy...has taken us all the way back to the first few fights we had in the apartment...when your ex wife was in town and you suddenly had to "work late", and still to do this day deny you did anything w/her...and when your two friends were cheating on your other friend, and you lied to me about it...
I def don't desire to go through more cycles of that...
And I think...if it were for you saying you were sorry for being so shitty to me all this time...and admitting that you see that you needed this separation to release your ex's...I'd probably right now be firmly planted in "no f'in way, not until you prove you've let go of all those toxic connections"...
Though it still leaves me feeling extra cautious and vigilant now...
And in many ways, I almost feel like that might be enough of a thought...to pull away and put my energies into other things...
Esp considering you're still not being fully honest w/me...
Either about what you're covering for w/your roommates or what you're real intentions are...
Or about what's going on and has been going on w/your ex wife...
Which really sucks...
Cuz w/o you verbally sharing what's going on in your mind or your life...
There's very little for me to go on...in terms of knowing whether you're actually growing and evolving out of those poisonous habits...or if you're still desperately holding onto them...ignoring the healing you asked for, and kicking the spirit gift horse in the mouth...
It also makes me feel like I do need to take a harder look at my self worth...
Cuz I def deserve to be praised for my morality and for being the kind of woman who does the right thing...not punished and pushed away for it...
Hmm...
Much to think about now Cabbit...
In my mind I can almost see myself pulling away enough that even you ask what's up...
Like maybe the 180 of the ghosting...is me pulling away and not chatting...
Esp considering that there are no good moments to talk to you about putting these puzzle pieces together, which means there's no way to know that it's getting worked out...
All I can do...is keep faith in you...
And faith in spirit...
To help you outgrow that behavior...
And to look w/in myself for how I'm doing similar things...
And heal that shit...so that either you heal it to...or I stop holding onto anyone who thinks that sort of behavior is acceptable, and more important than genuine love, family, and integrity...
