Dearest Cabbit...
I have to say...esp after you revealed yourself to be shopping for black currents to create some "separation" in that old green house of yours...that the recycles are growing more and more interesting...
I've been think of the synchronistic reoccurence of events in the karmic situationship and with things that happen with us; together and individually, as "recycles".
I was calling them "backwards-forwards", and before that they were 180's and 270's.
They are still both of those things. Though "recycs" feels easier to say and explain.
I've noticed they come in many variations too.
Some are recycs of your cycles with your ex rev queen of pents.
Some are recycs of your childhood and stuff with your mom, and even with your current rev queen of swords who was an ex, and was a part of your teen years.
Others are recycs of how we met and why we fell in love.
Others are recycs of our relationship over the past 15 years.
Others are recycs from this year alone.
And as I pointed out to the boys; much like you and I learned from the BF movie, that most all things end as they once began...
Which I've been expecting.
Though what I wasn't expecting, was to notice how much less watchful I've been for the "signs" and recycles; instead just being amused as they come in and I recall where they happened before, and where that puts us in the timeline of things. What "merges" of energy and such.
You getting curtains to create "separation" in the house, is an evolution of the week after you moved in there; which I remember VERY well, because the night you got the house and came to get your truck, you tried to kiss me - which I just found out tonight, that our oldest son saw, and thought we actually did kiss....interesting, eh? lol
Anyways.
How could I forget such a night?
I still remember leaning on your arm as you showed me the houses you explored, and the one you picked. As you told me that your karmic had begged you not to just move back into the yellow house that night and be with me again...
Which threw me off...and was hard af to handle...cuz I wanted you too...I so much did...
Though I also knew you'd learned nothing yet...and that to give in and ask for you to come back at that time, would've landed us right back where we were before you ghosted.
So when you leaned in to kiss me before I drove your other truck to your house, I wanted to lean in and kiss you back, but I knew it wasn't appropriate; esp if you were still having any sort of situationship with the karmic. Fighting or not. Plus, that's just not my style.
Which is why I simply stood there and grinned my best grin while you leaned in, and waited for you to open your eyes and see me.
I also wasn't sure if it was a reflexive action; cuz we were together for FOURTEEN YEARS; a thought that still makes me laugh when you embraced the adorably immature notion that sleeping and moving in with someone else equaled "moving on" or "getting over" someone you love and shared a deeper bond with than anyone else. That's the biggest absurdity ever.
Though I knew then, that wasn't something I could convince you of. So I didn't try.
I simply smiled and felt really good, knowing that it was even more endearing if it was a reflex, esp as I remember all the times over the years that you've told me that NONE of your ex's love you the way I do, and none of them were attention to your body, mind, emotions, or soul in the ways I have always been. So for me, the fact that you picked one of the ex's I warned you about holding onto - only helped to build my confidence in your return. If you hadn't been completely lying, then there was no way that being with someone from your past - one of the same women you feared I'd turn into if you gave me a full commitment and said had hurt you very badly, would do anything except show how amazing, safe, kind, loving, and compatible I am for you, and you for me.
If you'd picked a brand new person, then you might've had me worried.
Someone outside of your and my circle, could've been holding any set of cards, and I likely wouldn't have done anything beyond a basic background check just to be sure the kids were safe.
Though you not only picked someone you had dated before and that everyone knew; you picked someone that everyone in your circle knew, who had also screwed over and been shitty to nearly everyone in your circle and family.
Which is what first freaked me out and sent me on the search to find out as much as I could. Cuz then it was of far more importance to get the truth, and be sure that it wasn't just that ppl didn't like her; that their dislike was valid, and so was my fear for you and having our kids around her.
Funny enough, after spirit showed me there was a point and purpose to you having manifested that particular ex, I became less fearful and more wise about things. Esp as my confidence grew in my ability to stand on my own and raise our boys alone for a time. Which I knew would also raise my value in your eyes; as your childhood and your ex's, all gave you reason to fear having to care for everyone and everyone alone - financially, emotionally, parentally, and more. With the addition of having to be constantly vigilant for getting stabbed in the back.
Thankfully, spirit showed me much of this very early on. Which helped me work on my confidence, self love, and faithfulness in our journey through separation and beyond. I knew that there was really nothing to fear, since you'd chosen one of the ex's you still held resentment and heart ache for. Not to mention, no relationship will last when you jump into it from a long term relationship and try to turn it into the same or something better than what you had before. In fact, that would be even more true if you'd picked a healed person to be with; as no healed person would feel good about jumping into such big commitment so fast, and being expected to be as good or better than the person before them.
Then again, no healed person would've asked you to rescue them from the last person they screwed over, and certainly wouldn't have jumped into hotel rooms with someone they'd not seen or interacted with much in over 16 years, and certainly not with young children involved. Most esp not with someone drinking as much as you were, nor leaving a common law marriage as you did, with two children and woman who clearly still loves you. Though that just showed me you hadn't found anyone healed or healthy enough to be capable of genuine lasting love - ex or not.
Anyways...I digress...lol
So the night you tried to kiss me...I remember it well....
And I remember that it was the week after that, when you said that the QoSr had thrown a fit and demanded that you take her to buy curtains to cover primarily the backdoor window; though she wanted all windows covered, cuz she was extremely paranoid that some creepy ppl were going to come walking through the yard and that the neighbors would see her.
Which begs the question - see her doing what?
She doesn't strike me as the kind of person who likes to walk naked through the house...
Nor the type of person who has some kind of top secret work projects...
Though after learning about her toxic cycles of the past, the drug problems, and how she'd built a practice of getting the guys she'd tricked into "saving" her into not telling anyone they were together, and saying "it's no ones business but ours", giving her total anonymity to do what she wanted and abuse them how she wanted until she left -- it made sense to me why she wanted privacy so bad. Which only made even more sense when you started to reveal the drama she and her sister kicked up with their ex's and kids dads, and even more after I heard from her own mouth how much she prided herself in being violent, vindictive, and dramatic. Thrice as much when one of your family members revealed that the QoSr revealed she still wanted to use every day, and then you confirmed that she had started up mildly after the dentist appointment she made you pay for. Which I'm pretty sure she likely thought she could get pk's for - not realizing in this state they just give you ibprofen and send you off.
It made sense to me, that she "needed" curtains, to feel like no one could see what she did in the house during the day while you went to work to toil and labor to pay for her every want and whimsy.
Esp after you revealed that your neighbors told you there were many strange things happening during the day while you were away, that you had no idea about until they said something. Which...now that I think about it, was right about this same time in the cycle when it began...just a few weeks after you'd gotten the curtains for her, and about 4 weeks before you revealed she was moving back to cali and that you wanted me and the boys to move in...though in your ambigabush language; just "in case" things changed. Which they did, and that made me glad I didn't jump on that ambigabush offer - as clearly you had more to learn, and it wouldn't have been good for me or the boys to be in the cross fires of that energy or karmic lessons...
Still though, that fighting - which was around the time of the corona bottle opener and way to loud music bratting, lines up with your spiteful taking of the car and taking our youngest to your house when I told you that wasn't allowed until they could be safe at your house and the karmics you lived with agreed to be mature and empathetic. Which clearly they didn't, lol.
And it lines up with the several times that you revealed to me, that you already had breakup fights and kicked them all out of the house for at least a day. All of which were lined up with powerful full moons and super new moons I'd been keeping an eye on; all of which I had wondered if would line up with the new moons and eclipses of the early cycle - and mostly did.
So for you to now reveal yet another event that is based around "curtains" and drama, and for our youngest to have just told me that when you took him there last, that there was already a blanket or sheet separating the living room area that's supposed to be where they sleep and where you keep your band room, that tells me that what is next is the WT drama that occured between the QoSr and her sisters baby daddy sister, "someone" using your name and info to apply for all those loans and credit cards and insurance, followed by the night you tried to kiss me and revealed she'd begged you not to leave her and come back to me (which was record timing imo - I mean, in less than 3 months you'd already been fighting that much and I was already that much of a threat? lol)., and before that was when ya'll were in the hotels - getting scammed for even bigger amounts of money right after she begged you to also "rescue" her sister and her baby, and right before that was when she had that "convenient" night where she stole her current-at-that-moment bf's car and "conveniently" got a nail in the tire that she "conveniently" needed you to come fix when she knew you were hurting cuz we were fighting...
Which shows me we're that close to you being free of that karmic cycle.
Though even without the confirmations, I've already been able to feel it very heavily.
It's honestly been hard to give you space, cuz I'm excited.
And not necessarily for union - which yes, is exciting and coming too.
I'm excited for you. As I know that this won't be the same kind of leap of faith you took when you jumped in with her. The kind you still can't justify in your own head or heart, which is clear from the text you were going to send my aunt when she was dying in the hospital; wherein you also showed a recycle in saying that you were still upset that you and I were separated, and still felt like you wouldn't have been able to have gotten a house or have left as I asked, had you not just "jumped". Showing that you're still exceptionally unhappy with your decision, even though you now have a (rented) house with a garage, like you said you needed before you could feel secure enough to fully commit to me and reciprocate the romance and cheerfulness I put in. It also shows that you're unhappy with who you jumped in with. Cuz a man (or any person) who was happy with what they did and who they did it with, would've said something more like, "although I'm not happy with how things ended with you and me, I'm very satisfied with my decisions and my new partner. We're very compatible, and I've taken the lessons I learned with you, and have applied them to create a very fulfilling relationship where my finances are stable, my heart feels warm, and I know I can plant roots and be a good dad and man."
Though you've never said anything like that at all.
Which makes sense, considering all your bank accounts are fucked, your credit is fucked, your pp has been closed for fraud, you're late to work nearly every day cuz you say she controls when you're allowed to go to bed, and that she doesn't help with the bills, doesn't cook like she said she would, doesn't clean unless she's anxious, and you even had to kick her sister out because she blatantly told you she refused to pay rent; after you spent months playing the role of father to both of them and all of their children, as they used up your money, and didn't give a single thankyou for any of it.
Which btw, I have to say that I laughed out loud so hard and so many times, when you told me that you were refusing to work as hard and were started to have "secret money" again, because on top of being super demanding and not helping, none of them showed a single bit of gratitude for any of what you did or spent, and on top of that, she allowed her kids to treat you even shittier and more disrespectful then she started out, and then blamed their grandparents and dad and her physical conditions, refusing to do anything about it - and then making you feel like a dick for trying to instill some rules and healthy boundaries with all of them.
It was humorous to me, cuz you did all that stuff with me, most esp with your daughter and our oldest son, esp in the early days. The humor built because I remember telling you how fucked up it was that you were grateful for nothing, and that I wasn't going to keep giving to someone who found every reason to complain, even when he got everything he asked for.
Even better was more recently, when you thought you were all ready for a battle of wits about you having the kids over there, when I brought up the unhealthy multiple times neither our kids or hers got food, and all the times they did it was junk food or so poorly cooked that even our polite kids couldn't stomach pretending it was even just decent. Cuz you had been telling me that all you all had been eating was top ramen, and thought I was too naive to realize that was not entirely true, nor that such bs would come back and bite you in the ass. Though it most certainly did when you tried to suggest they would be well fed if I let you bring them to your house, and my first question was if it would be healthy home cooked meals like I used to make - that you believed you'd be getting and tried to convince me early on is what your karmic would outdo me in, and your only response was that her freshly 18 year old son whom you claim is a big deliquient (which if that is true, is cuz of what she's done to him; which hasn't been helped by adding your immaturity to the mix), had been cooking...desserts for breakfast...which I knew from the expression on your face the min you said it, was a mistake to say - cuz that only proved several of my points. Then when I pointed out that you'd been saying all you had all been eating was top ramen, and that that was not healthy for kids to have a regular diet of; you got super upset. Though I knew at the time, all I had to say was for you to look it up. It's common knowledge. Kids need a healthy balanced meal at least two times a day, with veggies and fruits and unprocessed foods. The irony of which is that even if I was bluffing, you wouldn't challenge me on it. You unfortunately do yourself a major disservice in not doing your research; esp on parenting and healthy relationship practices.
Though it was funny for me in that moment, to simply treat your bs as if it were truth, and then watch you flounder about what to do with it, as it was clear you hadn't expected it to bite you in the ass like that. And I'd imagine that you then heard my voice in your head from a month earlier, saying that you shouldn't tell tall tales like that. Cuz then ppl believe they are true, and then you get screwed when they treat you as if it is true, and then you either have to admit it's not, or live as if it is.
Much of which is your karmic lesson for talking shit about me, and trying to make yourself look either more victimized or helpess in some moments, and like big pimpin with a life of ease and abundance in other moments. Every liars pants eventually catch on fire, and end up playing hell trying to put the fire out while no one helps. Cuz it becomes like the boy who cried wolf; where eventually, everyone sits back and decides not to help and not to listen, cuz all the times you said your pants were on fire before, and acted like it was my fault or the karmics fault, only for everyone to find it was you the whole time...well....that makes it so not many ppl want to come help anymore; even if your pants really are on fire and you really do need help.
Which, while sad - is also character building.
Much like the tortoise and the hare. That darn hare was so haughty and arrogant, thinking he had the race in the bag, and was so much better and faster then the tortoise, that he could nap and fart around, instead of focusing on the race. His own hubris lost him that race, and then he was faced with the public shame of having lost to the slowest moving land animal around.
Old mother hen and the bread baking story come to mind too.
You didn't want to do the work. Didn't want to farm. Didn't want to plan. Didn't want to prepare. Didn't want to harvest. Didn't want to help cook and bake the bread. Yet you wanted to be able to eat the bread and enjoy it in the end. Yet you can't, cuz mama hen said NOPE. Which is what I equate thanksgiving too, esp with your family coming here with their delicious food and treats.
It was 'just desserts' that you earned, tbh.
With the added irony being that if you'd chosen a situationship where you were happy and healthy and doing well, you wouldn't have had any reason to be upset or envious of your only blood family that still talks to you (or was) preferring to spend the holidays with me, my parents, and our sons. Which tbh, I'm sure wouldn't have happened, if you'd not allowed the karmic to screw over and bully your own family. Thats bad form all around, and shows you not only displaced your loyalty to your children and to me, but to your siblings as well. Something that also became a recycle - vindicating me of all the crap talking you'd put out about me, when you acted like you were such a victim to me and had it so "bad" for so long, and got them all believing I was no better then your ex's.
Which of course, then had them confused when you immediately got with an ex after I told you to go. That made no sense to anyone at all, lol.
In any case, now that were back into "curtains", I find myself ever more amused and joyfully amazed at the recycles flowing in from how your karmic adventures with the QoSr began...
They actually show me that what my faith has been well placed.
That spirit lined you up with the perfect karmic to help you grow and learn valuable lessons.
About love and limmerance.
About maturity and ignorance.
About loyalty and respect.
About gratitude and compassion.
About toxicity and victimhood.
About materialism and greed.
About honesty and transparency.
About parenting and empathy.
About humility and arrogance.
About boundaries and self love.
And about the importance of facing your fears and healing your traumas.
About treating others the way you want to be treated.
About knowing what you want.
I actually have a very strong sense; esp with the curtains becoming another confirmation, that you'll either reveal all and be back by xmas day, or shortly thereafter.
I told goldenrod to expect you just before or just after new years, and my bff that I could see it being 1 year and day, which would make it something like Jan 6th. Though I could have the date off, cuz you jumped before then, and the karmic made the nail in the tire move well before then - and could've made a move before that even; esp by what her bf before you revealed to me. So a year and a day, could be much much sooner, and could explain why it feels in some ways to be happening faster.
Though who knows.
You two are exceptionally absurd and stubborn.
You might go all the way to Jan 14th, or even to March 2021.
All of which is fine with me, and even more amusing.
Just gives me more time to show off and tease you with my successful singlehood, rising popularity, and hundreds of "subs" that aren't THAT kind of sub....yet still make you think about that kind of sub, and how much you miss being my one and only....how much you miss me being your domme...and being your everything...which I know you miss even moreso now...with the energetic act of creating separation from your karmic housemates...cuz whatever 3d reason you're justifying that with, it is still an act of separating yourself from them energetically, and that is a big thing.
That shows you to be right where I thought you were, and for us to be very close to reunion.
Which at this point simply leaves the curiousity of whether or not reunion will start with you in that house on your own, learning to love your you time and healing your fears of caring for yourself as a single man....or if it'll start with you dropping the unhealthy ego and pride, realizing that I was right from the getgo, and asking to move back in and start groveling and making up for being a huge immature asshole for 12 months, lol.
Anyways.
This was fun to write.
Almost as much fun as getting to experience the contrast your silly butt brings in as you learn what you need to learn, and grow into the man I know and love.
I look forward to seeing where things go next; recycs and plot twists and all that jazz.
You always know how to keep things interesting and challenging.
Which I love.
And always will.
So until next I snark; I mean, write...
I love you.
Forever, always, and completely yours..
Madame Rose...
