I wish I could tell you how much you reaching out really means to me...
I know I can't...
So I can only pray you feel it...
Then pray that you don't abuse or take that for granted...
I can't know everything your picture of the bumper stricker about dreams means...
Though what I feel like I got from it was, "I'm sorry...I have been trying to avoid reaching out to you, but the universe refuses to let me not think about you...and now I see this sign...I have to reach out...I know more needs to be said...but I'm not sure what to say, and afraid to say it wrong either way...please don't bite my head off...."
Which is similar to how I've been feeling all morning, in thinking about whether or not to message you, and what in the world I could say if I did, that would neither trigger you or give my image of high self worth away...dynamics that suck...really really suck...
I hope we can overcome these current dynamics soon...
I can't stand not being able to just be fully real with you...
And I certainly don't like the lies of omission...
The distance...
The truth stretching...
The drama...
The games...
The waiting...
I hope you continue to heal our connection today.
I know my response was just enough for you to see the door is open, I am in a much better mood, and I am receptive to you saying and doing more to show me genuine affection before and after you express your remorse for being a Class A jerk lately - intentionally or not.
I can heal myself of my resentments, but it won't rebuild trust between the two of us or with the boys, until you put genuine effort into rebuilding trust with all of us...and with yourself really...
Which I know you'll do...at some point...
Though I have to be honest in saying that I worry about how long you'll avoid andor triplethink things...which might be long enough to injure things with us that will be more difficult to rebuild and heal than you've shown in the past that you find worthy of working to do after you've screwed up a connection...another part of the old you I hope that you heal sooner rather than later...
Not just cuz it'll heal connections broken...
Cuz it'll prevent them from being broken in the first place.
And you'll find out how good it actually feels to be fully accountable and atone for things you've done wrong...
All you have to do is start.
Then you'll heal yourself as you heal each damaged connection...
Feeling so good after the first few, that you'll laugh at yourself as you find yourself looking all throughout your interpersonal relationships, for where you can address and atone for all sorts of things you've been holding onto and giving yourself excuses to avoid for far too long...
That'll be the day...
My prayers are up to you my love...
That that day comes soon...
Especially cuz, until then...I must remain mostly withdrawn...
And that sucks...
You know I'm a radiant oversharing being...
And I know you miss that about me...
Grumpy, but still Forever, Always, and Completely yours...
~Empress
