I wish words "worked" with you.
You told me the other day that "words don't work" with your rebounds circus.
The words ring through my mind all day, whenever I think about anything I could say to you, that might get you to understand how messed up it is that you treat the kids the way you do.
That you put yourself and your replacement family before them always...
Especially after you never put them first when you were here and we were a whole family...
On top of which, you do all the things with your rebounds kids that you seem to see no value in doing with your own...
I don't even see you putting out effort to connect with your daughter...who is in a phase in her life, where she could really use a mature father in her life, to help guide her where her immature and narcisstic mother refuses too...
Though as Goldenrod brought up when I saw him earlier...
You've never been mature enough to really put the kids first in the ways THEY need...
It's always been what's most convenient for you...
What's likely to cause the least conflict with those you've lost yourself in...
Just to avoid your fear of abandonment...
Which is sad...
It's depressing af really.
To be reminded that you are just not a mature man.
You're 42nd birthday is in June, and I can remember at least a couple hundred times you tried to avoid doing something fun and intimate with me, because you'd say "I'm almost 40", "I'm 40", "I'm 41 years old!", and then act like my desire for us to keep our connection healthy, was immature...
Then, even when I could prove it wasn't...
Even when the things I was asking were confirmed by professionals, friends, family, etc...to be healthy, secure, expected, and on the right track...
You'd do everything to remain attached to your narcisstic version of how things should be...
Revealing that more than half the time, you knew damn well that what you were doing was mean...
That it was unhealthy, unrealistic, and most likely to hurt those who love you most...
Yet you chose it anyways...
I'm sad...my dearest Cabbit...
I know you were so close to coming out of that other dimension...
To reconnecting and coming into union with your higher 5d self...
To getting healthy...
To healing...
For real this time...
I'm not even really sure what happened...
I wonder if it's something I triggered or didn't see...
Though the more I look at things, the more I see that I chose healthy responses.
That I've been making the right choices...
Doing the right things...
Holding space..
Holding healthy boundaries...
Maintaining healthy expectations...
Giving and taking space in balanced ways...
Not over or under sharing...
Not waiting but also not losing faith.
Being ready for the day you're ready for me...
Working more on myself and worrying way less about you...
So I know...at this point, it's not some bad karma I haven't worked through or need to release.
It's not something I'm doing wrong or in need of doing.
I'm doing enough.
Right now, it's on you.
This is you reigniting your old toxic wash cycles..
Trying to desperately hold onto towers built on unstable foundations...
Running away from any authentic love or genuine connections...
Doing your best to numb out all your genuine feelings...
So you can keep on going without letting your guilt get to you...
Leading you to truly be accountable...
Self aware...
Self possessed...
To be honest, if it weren't for the fact that you've confirmed for me that the big break up and all the time spent with the karmic circus you're in, have actually awakened a large part of you, I would likely be in a place right now, where I would consider totally writing you off as far too lost to hold faith for...
Though I know you have awakened enough that you cannot go back.
You can put things off for a while longer, by trying to lean into your alcoholism, workaholism, and enmeshment relationships...though you've already been showing that none of that has been working to the degree it used to.
Which proves to me what I know to be true of enlighment.
Once you wake up - even just a little, you can't go back.
You can try, but it creates such dissonance that it can and will literally drive you into temporary insanity that will actually lead you back into reality with such sober sanity you'll see your former self like he was a toxic puppet.
Which is where Spirit tells me you're headed at this moment...
Cuz you asked for healing. Many times.
Then you joined the dance, with an intention of focus in mind.
And the great and terrible thing about the dance, is that it ALWAYS works.
It is working right now.
If you don't already know it, you will soon.
And I have no doubts that when you fully awaken, you'll reach out to me.
Both amazed and scared at the same time.
Likely after the life you think you've built - the tower on unstable ground, has crumbled away...
Which I know it's doing right now, as you're desperately trying to hold it all together in an attempt to ignore how desperately unhappy you feel without a regular connection with me...
Now that you've disgusted me enough that I'm actually comfortable not pursuing a connection with you, that you don't even seem to appreciate anymore...
Especially if you're still going to hold tight to your commitment that the boys need to adapt to your toxic relationship, rather than the other way around.
I feel bad and good about what's happening, Cabbit.
I know you clearly need it to happen.
I know in the end, it'll lead to healthy, happy, and magickal outcomes.
I know it'll lead to a healed you and a healed me, both self actualized and individuated...
In full union with each other not because of fear, convenience, or attachment trauma...
Reciprically appreciating, supporting, affirming, exploring, wanting, and adventuring with each other.
Even if it doesn't lead to that with you and me, I know it'll lead to a golden friendship that isn't so one sided that I give my all to it, and you give breadcrumbs.
I feel bad that for whatever reason, you need to get hit with such a "big stick".
Even though I understand that was part of what your soul wanted to experience when it chose to enter into this lifetime...and that the harder you pull back to avoid healing, growing, maturing, and allowing yourself to both give and recieve genuine love, that you'll experience all those things that much stronger, faster, and more deeply when you finally let go and fling foward like an arrow pulled all the way back in the quiver...
I get regular visions that match up with the many tarot readings that come to me..
That right now what's happening and about to happen, is the crumbling of everything you've built.
If you haven't found out yet or accepted what I know your instincts have already shown you - your Queen of Cups is and has been cheating on you. Both emotionally and physically.
On top of which, she's only been with you to use you for your money and anxious attachment style.
She's been using her kids, sister, and exes to manipulate you.
Making sure you're always too busy to stop and think about how she's been manipulating you...
Too broke to be able to leave her, even when you most want too.
Too nervous about public embarassment if you admit your rebound is a toxic shame...
And so constantly gaslit and driven nuts, that you feel you have no choice but to turn further into your work, your drinking, and isolating yourself...
I also know, that she's never been the type to care enough about others to desire to understand what it takes to make a healthy relationship work.
That her relationship patterns are to use men for all the material and emotional resources they have..
To get them hooked enough that they're even thinking about marriage.
Then the minute they actually move to follow through with such huge commitments or try to get more intimately connected with her - she leaves.
She finds a new or an old partner she can convince to "rescue" her; telling stories that the guy she's with is so dangerous and toxic that no one should talk to them.
Finding extreme ways to rationalize ghosting them in the worst possible ways.
Usually by affirming with the guy in question that she "loves" them "forever and always", right before she steals their car to go secure a sexual connection with her next target, at which point she signals it's time for her kids to steal all that guys stuff..
And then after a week or two of completely disappearing, she makes sure that guy finds out, usually through a third party - that she's not just left and stolen from him, that she's now in a new relationship and oh so "happy"...
I know that's what she's getting ready to do to you.
Especially as I know you.
You're either proving you're not the easy to manipulate boy you were before your ex wife drove you into your own narcissistic side...
Or you're trying to lean deeper into your connection with her, to try to prove to yourself and me, that you've found your "happy ending"...and that will immediately kick off her plan to find her next target.
Plus, you're nearly at the 6 month mark.
Which is the average time for disillusionment for a Fearful Avoidant like yourself.
When you come to realize you let your desperate need to avoid your feelings and her moderately good acting, to trick you into limmerance...into displacement...into believing you could skip your healing and individuation...which you're now seeing you can't do.
Which creates it's own sort of dissonance that will drive a bigger wedge between you and her, and you and your old toxic self...
On top of that, the effects of drinking so much and being with heavy narcissistis, is starting to take it's toll on your health, your work, and your other connections....
It's all starting to fall apart dear Cabbit...
Even your landlords are beyond pissed about it all..
And your quickly running out of money...and seeing that your goal of getting into a house after your lease is up, is a pipe dream - whether you stay with her or not...
I can see clearly in my minds eye, that if you continue on this path and ignore spirit, you'll soon be sleeping in your Monte in your granite storage...fulfilling the nightmare you had that you said was the reason you couldn't commit to me fully...
And I can see when that day comes...
You might actually take in the humility you need to finally grow up...
A day I both dread and pray for...
I love you my dear Cabbit...
Though I'm sad and disappointed in you right now...
