Dear Cabbit...I release you...

I'm feeling unclear about whether or not this is the right thing to do...
Though I realize after quietly thinking this week...
And seeing again that the most I get from you is less than your minimum...
That it's not good for either one of us...
For me to keep holding on...
Holding out hope...

I'm not sure that I'll ever be able to release that place in my heart that holds onto faith in you...in us...
And I'm afraid at this point, that by the time you get past your ego and come back to me...
That my heart and the place within me that so deeply yearns for you...
Will be so locked up and caged behind layers of walls...
That like before...
You'll determine it's "too much work" for you...
To love life back into me...into us...the way I've always done for you...



I can't be your minimum anymore...
I can't be your weapon of avoiding true intimacy in your relationships...
I can't be your "warm friend" only when you're lonely at midnight...
I can't be your bread crumb keeper...
I can't be the one you stand up to, while you give the best of you to those who use you...
I can't watch you be dad of the year to your replacement family, while our boys ask me where you are this weekend...after telling me how deeply they've been hurting that they barely get to see you for an hour or so on the weekends you're "not needed" by "those closest" to you (your words, not mine)...

I can't be the one you only love when I'm not available to you...
I can't be the one you only fight for when I'm literally ready to let it all go....
I can't be the one who was the best to you...
And also the person who gets the worst of you...

I can't be mad at you anymore...
I can't be loving you without obvious reciprocation...
I have my own wounds to lick...
My own attachment traumas to fix...
My own fears to soothe...
My own tears to let soak through my shirt...
My own desires to run away and not feel a thing...

...I realized the other day...
After I called you out on bs'ing me...
When you could neither admit to reality or do a reasonable job of upholding your fake happy...
That I'm only holding on at this point...
For that drunk late night release of how you really feel...
For that secret message confessing I'm right...
For that moment when I let go, and you come rushing back in - proving I was right...that you do love me...that you're coming...that your growing...that you're sorry...that this time will be different...
I'm holding onto hope...
For a minimum...

When I deserve so much more than that.
I deserve for you to admit you're wrong.
That you've fucked up bigger than ever before...
For you to say you're sorry...a thousand times and then some...even if it wouldn't fix a thing...
I deserve for you to work hard to earn my affection and attention again...
I deserve for you to say and show you're willing to do anything...
To wait as long as it might take...
Even to watch me go through what you're doing now, if I chose to...
I deserve for you to start paying child support without me having to file for it.
For you to admit you've screwed me and your own sons, financally and emotionally.
I deserve for you to admit you've been faking your whole rebound.
To admit you're miserable without me.
To admit it's been fake.
That it's been your attempt to escape your feelings and avoid really growing up.
For you to tell me that you're chosing to grow up without getting "old", and that you're going to start right now in this moment, to make everything up to me...to your boys...and to your own family too...who also feels especially screwed by the victimhood game you played with them for years, only to sink thousands into ppl who only want to use you for your material resources...
You give to them above your own mother...
About the mother of your boys...
You even gave to them over helping your daughter when she needed you most...
You don't even really give to yourself...

I deserve for you to come look me in the eyes and tell me you're sorry.
For you to name each thing you're sorry for, and how you're starting right now, to make up for them...
I deserve to watch you admit to everyone else, that you made bad choices.
That hurt them, hurt me, hurt your boys, and even hurt the ppl using you - cuz I deserve for you to admit that you have been using them too.
To boost your ego, and feel like you've not been a shit partner and a shit parent and a shit sibling...
To deny that you've let the pains of your past turn you into a complete asshole...
Too afraid to really recieve and really give, genuine love...
Whether romantic or familial or platonic...
You don't even foster genuine platonic friendships...
Then complain and tear yourself down when you feel they abandon you...
When you never really gave anything more than shallow acts of service to them in the first place...
Then you kick in the face the few genuine friends you've had who do hold on...
In favor of chasing the ppl who kick you when you're down everytime, and who only reach out when they want something from you...
Or want to use you as their ablibi for the shitty things they do, without a second thought about whether or not it could destroy you...

I acknowledge...
That whether you're giving me your least because you're that traumatized from your past...
Or because you're really not the empathetic, loyal, loving, and honorable person I know you are inside....
That either way...
Waiting for you...
Holding out hope that you'll change...
Especially when I have already paved and lit up all the pathways for you to find your way back to yourself....and then back to me...to your kids...to your family...
Only to watch you turn away from me and them, time and time again...
Especially if it's not 'convenient' for your replacement family...
That doing this...
Isn't good for me...
Or for them...
Or even for you...

I acknowledge also, that maybe I'm wrong...
That maybe the toxic rebound you're in, really is what you want.
Really is what brings you happiness...
Or at least...
It's what you'll choose to stay with...
Cuz real love...
Real honor...
Real emotion...
Real relationships...
Real commitments...
Are too much of a risk for you...

And that for me to hold onto you, really only hurts me...
And keeps me locked in your wash cycle of drama and toxicity with you...
Which I chose to not participate in anymore, when I asked you to go be single for a while, and figure out who you were...what you really wanted...when it was just you...
Which you decided to not do...
To do the opposite of...
And which you seem to be ironically committed to seeing through...
And odd choice for someone whose shown to be completely terrified of commitment because he was afraid to get fooled...tricked...used...and drained of all he had to give...
Though it's your choice...
My judgement makes no difference about it...

So I release you...
To do what you will...
If that's to pursue me...I hope you won't give up as easily as you've always done before...
Though I have a feeling it's going to be to try to lean into the toxic situationship you have going on...
And if that's your choice, then I genuinely wish you luck and much happiness...
I fear that it'll end horrifically for you...
And I fear that it might even lead to you getting suicidal...
And that without me there, you might actually do it...
I've cried many nights of tears, feeling like a bad guy for not being willing to keep holding space and instigating connection with you, just to help you avoid getting to that point...
Though I'm exhausted...
There's not enough reciprocation...
Not enough honesty to trust anything you say...
And not even enough late night drunk messages for me to feel you care whether or not I'm waiting...
So I release myself too...

I hold onto hope that there will be better "dear cabbit" posts coming soon, but I even release myself from this commitment...to put my feelings and experiences here for you to find and know that I never gave up on you or on us...
Cuz the truth is...
I'm human too...
And when I look at all we've been through, I know I can look at everything without a single ounce of conceit, and say that I've given you more than most ppl would get from any one person in a thousand lifetimes lived with them...and not had even half of it receiprocated...usually in favor of your fears about what someone else might think...or anxiety that I might one day "turn" on you and become like all the toxic ppl who've used you...
Enough...
Enough with the excuses...
Enough with the fear...
Enough with the hurt...
Enough with the tears cried over someone who gives up before they've even really tried...
Enough...

I'll settle myself with being content with our 5d relationship...with your higher self...
And also with your inner child...
They're both also very disappointed with your 3d self...
You abandoned them too...
You've abandoned yourself in nearly every way...
Which..
Unfortunately...
Even if there was enough reason to hold on...
Show that you don't have the compacity to give or recieve...
In the ways that I need and deserve...
REally...
In the ways you deserve too...
But at this moment...
I release myself from worrying about what you deserve...

About trying to encourage you to stand up for yourself...
To love yourself and let toxic dynamics go...
From worrying about whether or not you'll be hurt by me leaving...

To release myself from being so careful about everything I say or do...
For fear that it might close the door on me and you forever...

I release you.
I release me.
I release "us"...
I give it to spirit...
And I give myself permission to hold an expectation that if we are really meant to be, then you'll come back to me without that covert victim narc mentality, that you shouldn't have to actually work to earn my trust, affection, and faith back...
Cuz the truth is...
That's a minimum that I deserve...
I give myself permission to own that.
And not to be afraid of never having a healthy new us...

I'm afraid to publish this...
To think it...
To say it...
To write it...
To do it...

Though I'm going to...
Cuz whether it's wrong or right...
It's how I feel...
It's authentic...
It's real...
It's me...

And if this becomes the post you land on when you realize how much you really miss me...
And you use it as your excuse to check out completely...
To allow that to be the finality of our story...
Than so be it...

Cuz if nothing else...
You did do one thing for me...
You provided enough heartbreak and misery, that I'll never let anyone get close enough to me again, to hurt me the way you have.
Which feels really sad actually.
Though it feels safe...
It feels like I'd rather be sad and lonely and single....and safe...
Than to ever risk so much of myself on the potential that it 'might' work out...
It feels like I'm becoming you...actually...
Which scares me a lot...
Cuz I don't want to let someone else get wrapped up in me the way I am in you...
Only to find out I'm not really capable of loving them...
Cuz I'm too closed off...
Like you...

Whatever...
Does it really even matter?
Probably not...

I wish you the best...
My dearest cabbit..
I really do...



b