Yesterday I decided to follow my intuition and reverse track on the ways you've been treating seeing the kids. Rather than waiting for you to get up the gumption to do more with them, come see them more, and to have them come over - I asked you to come pick them up and asked how you felt about having them for the summer.
I absolutely still don't trust you, nor anyone in your karmic circus.
Though I do trust our boys.
And I do trust spirit.
And I'm learning to trust my intuition.
Which also lead me to talk to each of the boys before they left with you tonight, and encourage them to be especially emotionally honest with you about however you treat them and however they actually feel while in your house among your karmics, and to not be shy about asking for and taking what they deserve - most especially your time and attention.
Which, I hope, if it does nothing else, helps them learn to build those skills in their lives, so they don't get stuck in situations like the ones you're in. Where they feel like they have to put away their needs and feelings to appease toxic people in their lives, nor feel they need to be in a relationship to feel they can survive and thrive.
I also have a feeling, that whereas it was right to pull them back in the beginning when it was still easy to blame me or them for why your situation is so crappy - now that you're aware your karmic and family are only using you for your money and house, and you've been continuing to allow it without paying any child support or giving anything more then minimal effort towards being even a half way decent dad to your kids - now is the time for you to face your responsibilities.
Which include figuring out how to be a dad to your two boys while dealing with the chaos and disrespect of your karmic and her family; as that is what you have chosen.
I pray tonight, while I sit and do my best to keep focused on my own healing journey, that the kids always keep in mind what I told them - that any bad behavior from you, is YOURS to own and not because of anything they might do or not do.
I pray also, that I maintain my trust in spirit and hold back from interferring - even in loving ways, and to listen to my intuition, that says the kids are the key to helping you get back on your healing path and out of toxic entanglements of all forms and kinds - especially those between your own mind and heart.
I don't know how it'll happen exactly.
I know it'll likely be a funny story years from now, and likely include plenty of mischief, considering they are a product of both of us - and we are both intelligent and mischevious brats.
Our boys are no different.
And their hearts are filled with so much kindness, I know there's no way anything either one of us could say or do, would push them to doing anything that isn't true to themselves or hurtful to anyone just to be dramatic.
Which, while I know you constantly say they are that way because I've been the one who mostly raised them all these years even when you were there - I do feel you being there, contributed a lot to them being as wonderful as they are.
I'm also praying to hold a stronger focus to our healed future that's already manifesting, than the disappointment of our current reality. Especially when it comes to our boys finally getting a healthy consistent connection with you actually being a father to them. Our oldest is already 15, and has been mostly resigned to not having a full connection with you. Our youngest is 8, and he's not likely to be as forgiving of a teenager as our oldest, if you don't get your shit together and put them first.
There are so many opportunities for you to connect with them and be there for them in the ways they need now...that will determine how the future of your connections with them will work out...
You of all people know how hard it is to let go of resentment towards parents who weren't there; either physically or emotionally.
You've so far abandoned them in both ways, as your dad did to you.
With the exception that you didn't jump states - thankfully.
Though that doesn't make the ways you've been traumatizing them with your selfishness, any less harmful, hurtful, or disgusting.
I'm praying tonight, dear Cabbit...
For you to do what Spirit has been showing you to do, to get back to YOU - the you without being entangled with anyone, without being under anyones thumbs, without being anyones doormat, and without being a narcissist yourself.
The you who sees greater value in putting down the masks and being vulnerable.
The you who sees the value in being accountable ESPECIALLY to your kids.
The you who doesn't pretend to be stupid, and doesn't stay with people who are so obviously using him.
The you who is comfortable being truly independent.
The you who isn't in relationships because he fears being alone.
The you who I know is in alignment with your inner being...
The man I love...
The man I know you are learning to re-become...
You're slow af...
Though I know you are becoming...
I just pray you hurry up..
For our boys...
For you...
For your family...
For your daughter...
And yes...for me too...
I deserve to get to be with a healed you...
Sigh...
Until then...
I do love you you bratty asshole...
Please grow up soon...
I miss my playful brat...
~Empress
