It doesn't feel so overwhelming to me, though it feels like I can feel that it feels overwhelming to you.
Like you've been crying.
Some might call it "ugly crying", though whenever I imagine you crying so much you get all snotty, although it breaks my heart to ever see or sense you in pain, I see nothing but beauty and strength in that expression of such deep emotions.
I've always appreciated you sharing those moments with me in the past.
It felt like the deepest sign you felt safe with me, and that felt like intimacy..
"Into me I see"...
Intimacy...
Anyways..
I just heard on the radio a little bit ago, that Junebug Season just started.
Which is funny, I thought that was in June.
Though it's oddly fitting that it's now, cuz I also keep getting syncs of vday, which was last month.
So it's like even though it's March, the energy is still in Feb in some ways, already in April, and even already a few toes into June.
I keep feeling the energy of that note you sent me..
To come find me for your bday..
Which is funny, cuz even though you changed it when others asked you about it, to that meaning you were going to find yourself, it's the same thing.
Just wish you'd be courageous enough to be honest with everyone.
That either you did mean that you were coming to find me, or that you were coming to find you.
I wouldn't have been upset if you meant you were going to find you.
In fact, I was just going through old photos of us, and passed upon several that were in that green book of vulnerabilities..
Where I told you that it wasn't your love for me I questioned, it was your love for you..
Cuz when you love yourself, you always love and are good to me...
I also looked at pics of some notes you had written, talking about how we were spending so much time on your feelings and things you needed to heal, that my feelings didn't get attention and what I needed to heal didn't get focused on..
Then by the time you grew, I was so angry..
There were many beautiful emotions in those notes that I wish you'd have shared with me when we were sitting in the RV..
I can own that I was in a shadowy place myself at the time, and can't promise I would've taken it all 100% well if I'd known those feelings.
Though I know myself and my heart well enough to know I would've taken it better, and been able to hold space for you AND myself better if I'd known ALL of how you felt..
Though that's been a big challenge for a long time...
The splitting...
It's like, with you, I've not been allowed to have human moments where I'm not the most kind and patient and understanding person ever.
If I get mad.
If I have a tantrum.
If I feel the world is falling apart and can't get out of the spins...
If I'm tired and not as compassionate for your spinning...
If I have moments where I'm reactive or being a bitch; I not know have to hold myself extra accountable, but then I have to hear it from you for months and sometimes years.
Which I wouldn't mind if that was equal.
If it was more like how it was 4 weekends ago, when I shared the pain I sometimes feel about feeling like I can't "love" again, because of all the times you told and showed me "love" was childish, and then went and intentionally made up that you were giving all those things to the rQoS, including saying you were getting married for "love"...
When you heard that and said you understood the pain, and were happy I finally got it "out"...
Then you promised...
You made the best promise you've ever made...
You said you should've spoken with loving words for all those years before..
And that you promised that's how it would be from then on out..
It felt like those words were REAL...
Even though it seemed like you were drunk..
It also felt like you weren't "there" yet, in terms of being able to fulfill such a promise..
But that you were closer then ever..
That at least you SAW that..
You owned it..
You showed some accountability..
I saw visions then, that you would go back into a dark energy for a bit..
Though I didn't think it would be as deep as it was..
Least of all did I expect you to go back on your promise to apologize and make things right with the boys..
Nor to go back into the space where you belittle me and tell me I'm being controlling and judgemental to require genuine apologies and hold good boundaries until that happens..
I thought we got passed that..
And I still hear in my head how many times you demanded prefect consistency from me..
Not having empathy for how hard it is to have that with someone I love as much as you...
Esp when you say in one moment that you just need consistency and honesty from me, and then when I give both, you treat me like I'm a monster...
I have only ever wanted you to be happy..
I've bent over backwards trying to be a version of myself that I'm happy with, that you're excited about..
Most esp with consistency..
Now you have it.
Clear consistent rules and boundaries.
And it seemed like after some initial fits about the change, you felt better about it.
I have so many screenshots about you owning everything and preparing to address it, make proper space for the boys, and to just be fucking kind to me...
Then you went back to the other dimension hard..
I could tell things were going crazy over there..
And all I wanted was to go find you, hug you, and tell you to come home where it's safe..
And if you couldn't do that...
Then at least tell me what's REALLY going on...
So I know how to prepare myself, and the boys...
Give me the clarity and consistency you demand from me...
Though you wouldn't..
And with everything else going on in my and the boys life, plus my aching heart about everything you were doing to hurt me on purpose just to "prove a point" that never needed to be made..
And all the stuff with mom and dad health wise..
And how the boys feel hurt about your choices...
I cracked.
And instead of holding back for fear it would push you away, I listened to spirit when it said to show those feelings to you.
To follow through on going ALL the way on giving up.
To look at like, either this will help things heal after some towers or it'll finally create enough closure that I can stop reaching out and you can do what it appears in the 3d like you really want; to be freed of your responsibility and attachments to the boys, me, and everything we had...
It took a lot of faith and trust to do any of that.
To believe that I could really show you my human moments and you wouldn't run away for good.
Or that at very least, if you did, the pain of losing you with finality, would be easier to process and heal.
Though then you blocked my number without either cutting all strings or saying you wanted to work things out and just needed more time.
Which I know actually means you want the second option.
Though it still hurts.
It's still immature.
It's still disrespectful.
It's still ambiguous.
I try to focus on knowing you're in a dangerous situation, and that you likely did that as much for my protection as for yours.
Though when you sent that email that the boys could easily reach out to you, not acknowledging at all that you have hurt them DEEPLY.
As much as I already knew you were still in the other dimension, that still hurt to read.
I know you know better.
I know you know you hurt them.
I know you know it's not that easy.
I also know you wanted to say so much more then that.
Yet you choose to be stuck.
You choose to hide.
You choose to sit on the fence.
To pretend you can never do wrong and that it should always be me and the boys who bend our boundaries for you and your karmics, and that it's wrong and judgmental to expect equal exchange in that way.
That sucks.
That's not you.
And more then anything, it makes my heart yearn for you to really see yourself..
To really see our boys...
And to really see ME.
That's one of the biggest things I've always wanted over the years..
Just to be really seen by you..
For you to take me off the pedestal...
Recognize I'm human too.
That I have growing to do too.
That we'll both always have growing to do.
That I don't expect perfection.
That I'm infinitely forgiving.
That I see you, and know your heart.
And so much more...
Idk..
In many ways it just feels like wasted words...
Falling on deaf ears...
That why I write it hear, rather then sending it to you or telling you directly..
It feels like you would see me as weak or needy or trying to make a move or something like that.
Rather then just being authentic.
Just wanting the connection healed, so if nothing else we can be healthy co-parents.
Yes, I want far more then that.
Though it feels scary to write that even here.
Even this little.
You're so scared to love yourself and be genuinely loved by anyone else, that any expression of genuine love from me, seems like you feel it's a trap or trick.
Or it triggers the rQoS, and then you cowtow and pander to her like a cuck who doesn't want to be in that dynamic but you're too afraid to stand up for yourself and get out of it.
Which drives me nuts.
If you can stand up to me; even in times you should be yielding, then you can stand up to her, and ask your karmics.
Anyways...
This wasn't what I meant to write about..
Though idk at this point if you'll ever read this stuff, so who cares, right? 😔
All I can do is hope that what Spirit tells me it's true..
Which is that when the ladybugs and cicadas return...
So will the real you..
And that's when the real healing will begin..
That's when you'll choose yourself in healthy ways again..
And when you find yourself..
You'll find your heart..
And fix things with the boys..
And with me..
This time for real..
And it'll last..
Esp as it's predicted you'll finally do what I suggested..
Get single..
Date yourself for a while..
Not be under anyone's thumbs (mine included).
When you can finally figure out who you are when you're not getting entangled...
I pray for faith in lining up with that timeline..
It feels like, even if You and I never got into a real both feet in union in this lifetime, that my heart would heal in so many ways just to see you heal yours like that.
Like, even if you did find someone new and get married for "love"...
At least it would healthy and real and safe..
I could live with that...
Even though my heart still cries every night to be that person by your side...
To be RECOGNIZED as your gift and light..
To finally be the "good guy/gal"...
Rabble...
