Though even more then that, was when you said you thought that I told you to leave and then realized what I lost.
Which is NOT the truth.
I already knew your potential and value long ago.
If I didn't, I wouldn't have let you come back home after that night you got so drunk you blacked out and tried to attack me.
The night I told you could either stay with me and our oldest son, or leave and keep drinking.
If I didn't know what I was losing, I wouldn't have put in FIFTEEN YEARS of commitment and love into us.
I was NEVER unaware of the value of you as an individual, as a partner, and as a father.
My problem was that YOU didn't see it.
Better
Neither you're in value in you
Nor our boys
And least of all in me.
THAT is why I told you to move out.
Why I saw that you needed seperation.
The irony is, I know even if you don't, that actually, it was you who realized shortly after you left and are realizing again now, just what all you have actually lost in leaving as you did and then acting as you have.
Cuz if you think about it, with how badly you've treated me and how little you reciprocated anything over the past 13 years, I'm not actually "losing" anything.
Esp with you not keeping any of your promises.
Not for endless friendship.
Not for connecting in healthy ways with the boys.
Not in taking your cat.
Not in working out co-parenting stuff.
Not in promising to use loving words as you realized you should've from the beginning.
Not with you being drunk all the time.
Not with you having allowed a messy, unsafe, toxic circus to unfold at your house where no one wants to be; least of all you or our boys.
Heck, it's pretty clear even the rQoS kids don't want to be there anymore; and that's giving a generous assumption that at one point they wanted to do that.
And whereas in the beginning, we at least had jokes and nostalgic conversations, you took that away months ago.
Well before tg.
You took away your commitment to having healthy boundaries over there and to getting your life turned upward sometime in June after you said you felt "trapped", which is when you really started being an asshole to the kids.
So you tell me, what am *I* losing at this point?
What are the boys losing?
A guy who says he doesn't understand us or have any empathy for me or HIS own kids?
A guy who would rather placate and pander to the most dramatic person around him then those who are quietly just asking him to come play and stop being a jackass?
A guy who doesn't tend to any of his actual responsibilities then who gets mean and upset when called out on it?
Yes.
Those are "losses".
Yes.
I expected better of you by now.
As did Goldenrod and my parents and your sister and many others.
So, in a way, you could say that after you left I realized "what I lost".
Though it was never about me having some realization that I made some huge mistake and should've just allowed you to continue to be toxic to me and the boys cuz you were bringing so much to the table.
It was more like because of how you've allowed your life to be turned into a messy house of horrors, I realized I lost a lot of drama, driftwood, and emotional baggage that was holding us all back.
Yes, I did have moments in the beginning where I realized that *I* could've taken different approaches to things when we were together, though the real truth is that the only reason I didn't see those pathways to easier resolutions with us, is because you felt safer in the lower dimensions of narcissism and pain.
In getting yourself wrapped up in karmic third parties and constantly keeping drama triangles going which you were so awful about that you hypocritically wouldn't even allow me to do the same to feel some sense of sanity about all that absurdity.
The reason I was able to see that stuff after you left, was because I had the space, time, and energy to practice far better self care and really think about things.
To see where I could've done better in the past, for ME.
To be true to who *I* am.
No matter what kind of bs you're into.
Which is what I realized when I sent you the "you're life is too messy" note.
THAT is what I should've told you.
That's what I would've told you the night you allowed your ex wife back into your boundaries and then started staying out all night with your first gf.
To get your life cleaned up and figure out what the hell you really want, then come correct.
Though I let myself go low with you, cuz I was in a "what dreams may come" sort of vibe, where it felt like I needed to go into the lower dimensions with you and play your games to get you to see how deeply they HURT.
To "lesson teach".
When I should've told you to get yourself together, then focused on doing so myself and left you to make whatever messes you needed to make in order to see your own value and mine.
Though it's ok.
I don't actually regret how things have gone.
That regret note I sent was a momentary feeling and I knew that.
Spirit just told me to share it with you.
To be real about those feelings because it was about some kind of fear thing and towers you were working through that would help you find yourself, and that for me it was about having faith that I could share raw feelings like that with you and see that you still choose me.
To trust what you've shown me so far.
To trust my own intuition and what spirit has shown me over and over again.
And to prepare for the biggest test of faith yet; Silence.
Allowing towers to fall with no control.
Trusting all the times I knew they were happening before that I couldn't "see" in the 3d and that you kept quiet until weeks and sometimes months later.
I've been correct the whole time.
Ironically, even about you always eventually telling the truth.
And now it's about having faith in you seeing the truth.
The truth that you are not living in "SoA", and want to live a fun, mature, and honorable life.
The truth that we are deeply compatible.
The truth that not only do you deeply appreciate me and the boys, you feel deep appreciation for yourself when you're connected with us in healthy honorable ways.
The truth that it is YOU who is losing EVERYTHING, and will continue to lose more and more so long as you continue to doing what you have done.
The truth that you were the only one who ever made yourself feel replaceable or comparable.
That it was only you holding you back when you were with us.
That it was you sabetoging and running from success in all areas of your life, rather then facing and embracing your shadow and light work.
It's okay though.
I can be a tough cookie myself.
So it's fine that you've been a tough but for spirit to crack.
It will just be even more profound in each moment you come out of "drop" and see yourself..
Re-Membering who you really are..
Re-Membering who I really am..
Learning to take yourself and me off the pedestal and stop splitting..
Which actually, you lining up with someone with bpd who refused to get real help, was more perfect then I could've asked for in helping you learn that lesson...
Cuz it's very similar to RAD.
Many even think that unhealed RAD gets diagnosed as BPD or HPD in adults.
Though there are big enough diffs to acknowledge the distinction so that healing can occur.
But as far as the toxic cycles and crazy making tactics, those are all about the same no matter which of the PD's we're taking about.
And I know the more you try to "make it work" over there, the more you realize just how much work I had to put in for us to have gone on as long as we did.
Which builds more appreciation for me.
Something I already know you've built up much more of.
Esp in you looking for things to be grateful for no matter how dark things get, and things you can be proud of yourself for.
Though I think I realized more then anything, how much you appreciated the work I did, when you encouraged me to get a psychology degree.
Esp when you stopped yourself from getting reactive several moments and said very genuinely that you felt I was good at that and should pursue.
That was REAL.
And it showed me that you have been starting to see how valuable that is, and how much work gets put into being there for a partner with complex personality healing needs.
I'm sure if you haven't seen it yet, you'll also soon see another reason I never created much drama or felt the need to "interfe", was because I learned about Attachment Traumas in my effort to help you and help myself, and one of the biggest things I found is that there has NEVER EVER EVER been a successful longer-term romantic relationship between two ppl with such deep attachment traumas like you both have.
At best, it's a few years of very dramatic off and on cycles until you both blow it up enough that one or both of you seek diff attachments/relationships to have some sense of control over your lives OR one of you gets hurt bad enough to decide to really heal and realizes the only way for someone with such heavy attachment traumas to heal, is to be with someone who is much more securely attached.
Something I'm proud to say I've actually achieved in this time apart.
I'm actually gonna start talking about it on my yt channel I think.
Anyways.
Just some thoughts of the moment..
I know whatever you're doing atm, you're reflecting these thoughts in some way.
It'll be interesting to compare notes later, lol.
