Either way, as much as so much of me wants to know everything about your trip and how things in your life have been going, I am very very tired with feeling hurt by what you tell me.
Esp when it includes you confirming you're staying stuck in a situation where you're miserable.
When I know you only even got into that situation because of your ego.
Not because you really wanted any of what or who you got.
I'm also upset by the dynamics.
That you seem to feel you can be cruel and fucked up to me and the kids, and should never be called on it, and never be served the same fucked up dishes you serve.
Then there's the cowardice.
Including distancing and delaying communication and healthy growth, most esp for our family.
All of which seems so contrary to what you say you want.
You want me out of the picture?
Then create a healthy safe environment where our kids can be with you and not regularly shed tears or be emotionally fucked with.
Get real about whether or not the rQoS is going to really be your partner or not, cuz if she is then she needs to recognize she's a parental figure in our kids lives and she needs to grow the fuck up and act like it, and she's not going to do that, then she needs to back the fuck up and let you have solo time with them for more then an hour every other weekend.
And if she's not going to be a healthy parental and addition to their lives, then she also needs to shut her mouth and not have any opinions about what you do or don't do with our kids.
Likewise, if you're not going to take initiative to learn about healthy parenting and family planning, then you need to STFU about what I decide is best for the kids.
You've had a thousand opportunities to speak up and talk about what you'd like me to do differently with the kids since you've left, and every time you've found yourself with nothing.
And I can tell it's because 1. You just wanted to argue and weren't expecting me to actually be open to feedback, and 2. You have nothing.
At least, nothing you can speak to that isn't dwarfed in comparison to all the bs you do.
Hell, I'd love it if we could both help each other work to become better parents.
Though much like how our dynamics were before you ran away to join the circus, I'm the only one who ACTUALLY cares about how the boys grow up.
About how they feel about what we do.
About how what we do and say with them now, will effect them growing up.
Idk.
I just feel upset.
I'm tired of feeling punished for getting healthier; as a parent, as a person, as a partner, and as a friend.
And tbh, I'm pissed that you'd ever criticize me being a good friend or not, based on a few emotional moments, when you have been the shittiest friend ever, after you PROMISED me we'd always be good friends no matter what.
It brings me into memories of when we were splitting up, and I told you that you had to earn my friendship, cuz that was part of what I so hurt by.
That you weren't being a good friend to anyone, and least of all to me.
Even more then that, I hate knowing that you likely even apologized to those friends who you contributed to hurting their relationships, because they don't have good morals or integrity, so they never wanted nor expected an apology.
Which makes it easy to just say "I sorry I not good friend to you in those moments", and not even really need to be clear about what you're talking about.
Whereas with me, you've said sorry so many times and not meant it and not done anything to grow enough to not repeat those hurtful behaviors, and I have self respect and decent morality.
Which doesn't make it hard to apologise to me; unless you're placating or trying to bullshit me.
Which seems so ingrained in you that it disrupts your ability to have any genuine humility.
Fuck.
I hate this.
I don't want to be mad.
Not at you or anyone.
Though I've spent all year trying to figure out ways to back away and leave you to your circus to learn your lessons, while not being mad or leaving you to feel abandoned or like you screwed up too much with me.
I've yet to have succeeded with any of those methods.
Being kind, respectful, empathetic, understanding, patient, and "warm" in my friendship, has only succeeded in having you treat me even more like shit then ever.
And what REALLY sucks about that, is that I know I haven't done anything really wrong.
It's all about your ego and the rQoS insecurities.
Cuz she knows that out of every way she can try to imitate me, she can't be genuinely kind for it's own sake, emotionally secure, or authentic, and she's so wrapped up in controlling everything and maintaining as much power as possible, that she refuses to even imagine being capable of being truly independent.
Which I know is why she feels so threatened by me and the boys.
Cuz I can do all those things, and I don't do them for you.
I do them for me.
That's why my growth is consistent.
That's why I can hold healthy boundaries.
That's how I've been able to be so patient.
That's why she doesn't scare me a bit.
And why I scare her so much.
I have power.
Not because I demand it.
Not because I take it from anyone.
Not because I stole it or manipulated it from anyone.
I have power because I am genuinely kind.
Because I don't play the victim or the hero.
Because I'm genuine and thoughtful.
Because I actually care about others well being; even those I'm not fond of.
All power I know you would have too, if you'd get over yourself and over your fears, face yourself, and stop giving your power to the ppl in your life who seriously seem to enjoy keeping you more stuck then them.
If you'd learn humility.
If you'd set your ego down for a few minutes every day.
If you'd take your balls back and stand up for yourself to the ppl who actually are hurting you and working to hold you back.
If you'd learn your damn karmic lessons...
Though idk..
There's a part of me that feels like you're not gonna learn those lessons for some time now.
Most esp if I get back into a good place with you.
I mean, just look at what we just went through.
It took months of patiently holding boundaries with you while you were being a complete asshole, followed by having to be willing to completely blow everything up, just to get you to follow through on giving the phone back and it took our youngest blocking you and holding that boundary no matter how "nice" you acted, to get one half asses apology to him.
Life does NOT need to be that hard or complicated, and I should not EVER have to be that much of a bitch to be treated respectfully by you.
I shouldn't even have to wait MONTHS for you to do the right thing, or guilt trip you into helping me when I BARELY ask for anything from you, and I most certainly shouldn't be treated like shit simple because it makes the rQoS insecure or pissed off and because your cowardly ass doesn't want to trigger the drama you invited into the most important parts of your life.
That's not acceptable.
And I won't be treated those ways anymore.
Which I know is good just for my own self respect, though I can feel that being genuinely mad at you, distant, and not taking any of your bs, is pulling you in.
You always do that.
You always wait until I'm done done.
Then you change.
Then you grow.
Then you do stuff that if you'd just fucking done it sooner, none of the current drama would exist.
And so much of me wants to feel like that's a good thing.
I want to be happy for any growth and improving dynamics.
Though it feels like if I get myself into a good vibe with you, that you'll quit again.
Which means keeping myself mad.
It means doing exactly what you said you wanted, that I know you don't.
Like keeping a firm boundary about not talking about anything personal.
So I don't have to hear your hypocrisy about having put yourself in a shitty position that makes it complicated for you to do the right things for yourself or anyone else.
So I don't have to think about you being happy without me
So I don't have to hear about you getting hurt over and over and over again.
So I don't have to hold my tongue about how easy it is to change your circumstances.
And so my own ego and pain body doesn't rip itself from be in a fury of curse words and coward calling.
Cuz that exactly what it feels this all comes down to.
You could live.
You could love.
You could be a great dad.
You could be a great friend.
You could've been and still could be a great partner & family member...
If you weren't such a fucking coward.
Which I hate calling you.
I hate writing it.
I hate having to acknowledge the truth in it.
And I hate that despite how much of a turn off that is, I still love you.
Though I'm tired of being hurt by your cowardice.
I'm tired of sitting here knowing how easy it really is to redeem yourself and live a honest life.
How easy it is to have healthy fun dynamics with me.
And knowing that regardless of how much you have admitted yourself, that you have fucked up and hurt me - that you would rather choose to hide from me.
Like you do with our oldest son.
Rather then face the reality that you've given us no other choice then to protect ourselves, because you won't face your shadows enough to be able to let you accept genuinely loving behaviors.
Idk...
I'm praying to Spirit for help..
Cuz it feels like I should be allowed to be upset with you, and you should be HAPPY to go above and beyond to redeem yourself no matter how long it feels right for me to be upset with you.
Though it feels like that might not ever happen.
Cuz you let fear control virtually everything you do.
Meaning that even if it's completely justified, healthy, and appropriate - if I don't yield and extend myself, that you'll stay stuck between victimhood and feeling like you screwed up to bad to be worth facing rejections that are very understandable, and being upset that I expect you to be a mother fucking adult now.
Cuz that means you don't get babied.
That you don't get anything you're not entitled to.
Idk.
I want out of the old cycles.
Where I give and give and give.
And am infinitely patient and understanding.
Where I'm doing all the work to reach out.
Where I'm the only one looking for resolutions.
Where I'm the constantly expect to change and give in and never expect or require anything.
Where not having good boundaries with you is met by bs cries of me being inconsistent, and having healthy boundaries with you is met by whining about how I don't "accept your flaws".
I can't go back to that.
And your "sorry for the delayed communication" bs, that is only even able to happen because you created an even more fucked up communication dynamic between us then we had before - that you've yet to acknowledge...
That just feels like you doubling down on the cowardice all around.
Then when you come over and show that you know you fucked this up, yet you refuse to say that, and then want to tell me all about the fun and shenanigans going on in your life.
About the money you spend on yourself and your replacement family, when you have refused to pay child support or even just be fucking helpful with YOUR OWN CHILDREN.
That so fucked up.
It hurts.
It's bs.
And I know you.
When you get your karma through the courts for being that way, you're just going to whine about it and act like it's unfair.
And I'll have to work through not feeling like an asshole for telling the truth and letting you get faced with your own consequences.
Fuck.
That song "landslide" is on the radio.
That reminds me of that first dinner with the rQoS...
When I sang it at the table..
And noticed you watching me with loving eyes..
It's 7:11 now too...
I hate this.
All of it.
😔
