One sang about how you're "my man" and no one else can make plans to take that away..
Another song of "stolen moments"..
Yet another talked about how we are "bound"...
Then current one is called "Hero"...and sings about how our hearts and inner children need protection, and how much we want to connect but if we can't...then the request to just be released...not expected to be anyone's "hero" anymore...
And of course, now it's "Power Over Me"...which brings a tear to my eyes every time I hear it... esp that very first line.."I want to be king in your story"...
It feels so much like your heart singing to mine...
Though idk..
My energy is all over the place right now..
I imagine yours is too..
Though idk for sure anymore..
I'm thinking much today, of all the little things...
Though in a strange yet totally makes sense way, whereas this time last year I was focused on all the little things I miss that you used to do in the moments you weren't letting all your karmic thoughts and ex's take your power...
This time I'm thinking about all the little things I've done for you...just because my heart of hearts inspired me too..
All the strings created from love, that weren't copied from anyone, and that helped create some of our fondest shared memories..
The ones that feel to me, like they would...or should stick out more then ever against the backdrop of contrast you've called in, where you get nearly none of them, and of those you do get, they are either manufactured to try to create strings with you that we had because the natural inspiration and synergy isn't there and you're not so easily manipulated without those strings...or they are created because even a being a strong and forgiving as you are, can only go so long without reciprocity before compassion fatigue hits and your karmics must love bomb you before you cut them out for good...
I sit here at the park.
Trying to get myself to focus on everything else, esp work.
Though my heart keeps bringing me back.
As do the signs and syncs..
I even showed my friend how many times your name pops up in the most random ways and places.
I think even she thought I was making it up or stretching things to be what my heart wants them to be, rather then literally happening.
Monte's keep appearing too, along with rainbows and that song "3 little birds"..
Though more then that are reminders of the little things, and the time you said my love has always been so "tangible"...
My heart cries out at the moon all day, like a lost wolf pup, wondering if my tangible love was real enough to get through your dark night ego cycle..
To be the hope that brings you back...
If all the little things I've done just because I love you...
Have been enough to overcome the much fewer times I've done bigger things that stung...
Esp the most recent leap of faith..
Where it felt like you couldn't allow new beginnings for yourself or anyone, until you felt me speak the dark things you speak to yourself and present you with your fears..
The 'worst case scenarios'..
The axe and other shoe dropped..
The banana peel slipped on...
It was another big brave hard thing to do..
Like making you move out..
And calling in your mother/father wounds..
And holding healthy boundaries between you and the kids, and you and me..
I wish so much for spirit to help you see how hard it was for me to do any of those things...
To see how much bravery it took..
Knowing the risks of losing you by affirming your worst fears about me...
By triggering your fears of inadequacy and being the ultimate bad guy yourself..
Along with your fears that I'll always just hurt you...even more because you really do love me in a way you've never known with anyone else..
It's so hard being faced with having to do so many honorable and good things that I know you've not yet developed the empathy for...
Knowing they would come across to you as just mean things to do...
Or at best, confusing things..
Esp as you cry to me about not being a good friend to you...
It breaks my heart every time..
Knowing you really don't know what genuine friendship or love looks like, cuz I'm the only one who shows it to you..
And that with so many ppl around you who are purely transactional and selfish, who you've been around all your life, how challenging it is for you to not focus on the few things I do that appear to be like what they do..
To categorize me as either the same or worse then them...
I want so much for you to see ME...
Just like I did before you left...
For you to remember how I love to take off your shoes...
How much I helped you build yourself up both when we were in 3d union and sheet you left..
For you to understand just how hard it's been to pretend to be happy for you...to be patient while you learn...to not tell you to stop your mess making and get your ass home...with me...where you belong...
I had a vision last night, that you might tell me in the near future, that your mad about me not telling you to do just that, much sooner.
That I didn't pursue you enough.
That I confused you by trying to be respectful of your process and pace and the farce of your situationship that you just recently finally started confessing has been pretend the whole time.
That song "Home/Dirty Paws" is on...and it's 10:24/7...
"home is wherever I'm with you..."
That's how the chorus goes...
I hear it and pray your heart feels that's true with me...
Like mine feels it is with you...
That you're mind is seeing all the lil things..
That you're seeing what all has happened, esp this last year...
And that you're seeing how all the little things I've done that have helped you get through the darkest moments..
All the times I've challenged you that have helped you rise when you needed to most..
All the times I've helped you cry...
Helped you find your way back to the light..
How your new ability to say good things to yourself...
Think about what you're grateful for..
And find things to be proud of yourself for, even when there are so many things to be ashamed of...
That you can do that now because you chose to listen to me and because you miss the way I had to prompt you to look for those very things...
How after so long with me, and how much contrast you have in your life far away, that you've learned how to manifest...
And so many other things..
Because of me..
Because of "us"...
I don't even want to take credit for any of that stuff..
Though in these moments, I do yearn for you to see the connection..
That you did that stuff, though if it hadn't been for me there "bugging" you to do it..
Being the example..
That you might not have ever thought to do any of it..
Might not have had the confidence to do any of the good stuff you've done...
I'm praying hard these days..
For what I used to pray for when you'd focus on vacuum bags and mayo jars..
That you'd see how many good things I did...and see how they far outnumber the icky things you didn't like..
And how many times I did something you initially thought was just messed up...or controlling...or toxic..
Only to find that it was just what you needed, and happened because you couldn't accept it and other way at the time..
Heck, sometimes I don't even see it until after it happens.
I realized that part of the last big fight we had, was to help you stand up for yourself.
To practice it with me.
As well as really learning to cut off connections that no longer serve.
Now I just hope that you're now thinking about all the little and big things about me that you miss...
And that it'll fill you with the inspiration to stand up for yourself...love you...and get your studio castle..
And then to come back to me..
And our beautiful boys..
Grateful..
Appreciative..
And awakened...
Knowing you've never wanted anything more in your life then to be honorable, authentic, empathetic, and radically honest..
To finally reciprocate...
Idk...
Sometimes it feels like a distant foolish dream...
Otherwise times, I hear this song "dreamcicle" singing about "June", and hope you're seeing as many ladybugs as I am...
Re-Membering our music love language..
Thinking about the junebugs...
And how much you love us and want to take initiative to make amends...
Suppose only time will tell if my heart and these cards are right about you coming correct soon...
And learning to be your own hero...
Until that happens..
I'll just be here, missing my best friend..
Hoping he sees how much bravery it took for me to share the hurts inside from him..
And that he'll be the man and father and friend I know he really is..
Breath...
Breath...
Breath...
