I find myself a predicament.
Young J's behavior isn't okay. It's not healthy for him to grow up treating me as he does,
and even less so with it not just being normal teenage behavior, and having been influenced by triangulation on your part and those you allow around him...Though along with that truth I also know I've seen growth in you over the past 6 months esp... though it isn't growth like a seed turning into a tree with leaves and fruit.. it's not the big obvious in your face growth.. it's little things.. here and there.. responses.. small actions.. half steps here and half steps there...
But there's also still enough obvious enmeshment legally and emotionally with pirates, and not with consistent concrete data to know if that's another cycle going on, or if it's just some final vestiges.. some remain threads to be clipped...
And although I'm not usually easily fooled by pretend or placation, there are some times it's happened that I'm watchful for..
But I also know that sometimes pretend is what precludes the real thing.. sometimes pretending is practicing... Sometimes pretend is testing the waters to see if it's safe on the other side... And if that's what this is, I don't want to choose what I have in the past, knowing something great for you could be coming around the corner... Esp knowing that you've been thinking about 'retiring' again..
But I also know that I don't want young J growing up untrusting of women, having unresolved mother wounds, accusing everyone who loves him of just wanting to control him, and I want him to be able to think about and consider the feelings of others in balance with his own.
I don't want him to confuse accountability and appropriate consequences with victimhood. And I don't want him to continue to be confused on the difference between 'privacy' versus hiding and avoidance nor dishonesty or duplicity.
Likewise, I also want to make sure that I'm both honoring myself and being watchful of not being controlling out of concern. Control is balance. Especially with love. Whether that's parental, familial, romantic, or platonic.
I'm also thinking about E's bday..
I feel sad that you never reached back out to me about making plans for it and didn't bother to call him and make plans with him the day before it arrived..
I'm sad that you could show up for J in so many ways, and yet it remains so few for E. Esp when it's so easy to show up for E, and when he's been so loyal and loving towards you and been treated so badly for so long..
I do see some small improvements in your behavior with him too. They're just still so minimal.. and I don't understand how that could ever be something you would choose or be okay with... I never pictured you being okay with being that kind of dad to any of your own children especially..
I hope when the afternoon rolls around that you prove me wrong.. that it's not just a call. That it's a plan. That you bring him some cookies and a card, or a dollar store bag full of silly but meaningful goodies... That you decide to take him out on your day off, and give him some primary attention.. or come help work on his truck and pass on some meaningful lessons. Not out of obligation. For want. For the good memories. For the healthy connection...
I also hope you'll start mending the rifts created from your end, between me and Joey.. I hope you'll see it and the value in doing it..
And I hope you'll get yourself on track..
That you'll see the value in disentanglement for yourself. You're not as far from it as you once were. Even while everything else is still foggy, I can tell you're closer to freedom then you've been in a long time. it's in your energy.
There are a lot of things I'd love to experience in this life time. One of them is you getting to experience the peacefulness of some time spent sober and single. Just bring a dad and a friend. Getting to know who you are when you're not wrapped up in relationships or sibling dependency. When you can figure out who you are and what you'd like when you get to decide. When it's all to your credit. The good and the bad. When there's no one else to blame or to feel disappointed by when they don't meet expectations because you only expect of yourself. And it's a more relaxed expectation because you won't be masking or playing so many roles based on trying to evade conflict.
Not that I want to see you live that way forever. I just know it's not an experience you've ever truly had while being genuinely disentangled. And it's one that could help you genuinely find and enjoy healthy relationships. Because you'll go into them from a more stable place of having faced yourself and knowing much better who you are at your core...
