When I went on my road trip, I asked one of the pipe carriers for the dance, to pray for and with me about some things I wanted; for me. Just for me this time. No agenda for others, no trying to save you, not for the kids. For me.
And when we were talking, one of the things that came up, was a quote I had seen just before, "Let me lead you to the river, so you can be reminded what it feels like to be moved by something you cannot control."
He had me say it three times, with deep breaths; setting the energy, intention and momentum.
It's a beautiful thing.
To neither be controlled nor have control; to be able to flow within any energy, and be able to allow myself to feel moved by what calls to me, rather then what feels like I "should" do it, or what I "should" avoid so as not to be branded a certain way or bullied for being myself or for not playing the codependent placation game.
Funny enough; when I first saw that quote, and then most of the day today as I've visited and applied for NICE houses and apartments - I've thought about you.
Esp who you were when I met you.
I loved that you just wanted to be you.
You were tired of trying to please everyone and getting nowhere.
You were tired of doing what everyone said you "should".
You were ready to live for yourself.
And you did.
And I admired that about you.
It's also what made me giggle so much last year, when you kept accusing me of trying to control you.
Which as I said then; not possible.
Not unless you're allowing it.
You're energy is far too strong and you are like a river or an ocean; you can control yourself and you can decide to swirl and bend and flow in different directions, though even when you try to control yourself to please others or avoid some negative consequence, you just end up damning up your flow and calling in a bunch of bad woo that makes everything unstable and fall apart.
Which is a bad thing.
It's not you doing something wrong.
I've experienced the same thing.
It's not a thing we're doing "wrong", as others would have us believe.
It's very simply that we were made for so much more then table scraps fought for every day.
We are wild horses; mare and stallion - meant to be liberated to move and flow with the land and other wild equine and land animals.
We are panthers and lions.
We are dragonflies and falcons.
We are Merlin and Mim.
We are Cabbie and LadyBunny.
We don't fit within the lines drawn for us.
We fit in the lines we draw for ourselves.
And whenever we try to force ourselves to be small and fit within others lines drawn, everything falls apart and keeps falling apart. Cuz within each of us separately, is a river - a natural element that carves pathways through the land and carries resources and holds space for infinite life.
We are connected to the oceans and streams and lakes.
We are fed by the mountains and clouds.
We shift with the moon and other planetary bodies.
We are "that which cannot be controlled", and when we embrace this and love ourselves for it, we cause everyone and everything to move around us.
Hence why it's so important that we love ourselves and move and flow through the world in benevolent, genuine and self loving ways - so we are not shaken when others are, and so that they can see how to experience those feelings for themselves - which is the only REAL way to "save" anyone anyways. When we try to rescue or care for everyone all the time, we make them dependent on us; we who can do pretty much anything we set our minds to, and achieve over and over, higher and higher, for longer and longer.
Teaching those we love to love and carry themselves does far more for them then being their "hero" ever could or will.
The "hard" part, is simply in believing they can and will get it and be fine, esp when we recognize we're hurting ourselves and them in staying in dynamics where we are their sole providers, protectors, etc...
The next challenge is in not fearing we'll be alone, or that we'll be hated for respecting ourselves and walking away when the moment is right; remembering that we are loved where ever we go, and are never alone even when no ppl are around.
To feel better in NOT feeling "needed" then any time we've ever felt like we'd leave anyone "helpless" if we really left and put ourselves first.
A lot of the reason I didn't leave the YH or even allow you to have your exp with the QoSr, was because it felt like everyone would hate and shame me for leaving "helpless" ppl behind to do right for me and the boys.
Though I realized how silly that was/is.
Not only does it suggest a "god complex", it suggests that the ppl we care about are helpless or weak; which is rather harsh of a judgement, don't you think?
I know you don't like to be thought of as helpless, powerless, incapable or weak; nor do I. So why would anyone else like others thinking of them that way? And what kind of ppl does that make us? To feel we have the "authority" to judge others as incapable of caring for themselves, making their own decisions and living their lives however they want?
It would make us like everyone we've fought to be different from; everyone we've ever complained has hurt us; and everyone we used as "defenses" for why we hurt each other to avoid being hurt by each other in the ways they hurt us. Which is really silly, don't you think? Becoming the ppl who hurt us, just to avoid being hurt or feeling "unneeded"?
It was during my road trip, when I realized not only was I not ACTUALLY "needed" by anyone here so long as Joey had many loving conscious minds thinking about him at all times, and that I certainly didn't "need" anyone. I wanted everyone; though even then, when I thought about it - what did really want? I wanted to feel accepted by the ppl you couldn't let go of, and the ppl I though I needed to like me in order for others to feel I was a "good person" - namely my fam.
When I realized how silly that was; that no matter what origin connection there was with anyone, it was silly to try to hold onto relationships or form bonds with ppl I didn't align with.
Even with past and current versions of you; the racism, the greed, the petty behaviors, the victim consciousness, the acceptability with using the kids to manipulate other adults - I don't agree with any of that. So why was I trying to be small and placate to hold onto those dynamics? And why was I allowing myself to be knowingly manipulated by your and my fam, even after it was clear that it was never anything I did or didn't do that determined their perspectives of me?
That's when I realized how funny it was that I sent you that KFC submission of evolved energy to where I was when we met - when I was 15.
Cuz when we met, I had decided I'd rather be honest then play stupid games just to be "liked" or "included" or supported.
I didn't "need" anyone then; which was a painful thing to feel, cuz I did need ppl before then - when I was little, and I didn't get the love and support and affirmation I needed. Instead, I got trained and conditioned to predict every move and feeling, to "take temperatures" as I've called you out on before. To be ready to mold myself into whatever would keep the peace and keep me safe.
I was already done with that at 15.
It wasn't until I got pregnant at 18, that I got pulled back in.
Cuz I felt it was better to deal with the bs and have at least a roof over my head and money in my pocket after getting screwed over by several friends when I had just made my own start in my first apartment by myself with Eamon.
I think the other part of that too, was that when I saw how you were in your shoreline apt; how you had gone back too, and tried to do the "adult" thing - as in, put yourself last and let yourself be bruised and drained, simply to not feel alone or like you were a shitty husband and father and sibling....I think something about that triggered the reflection in me...
Funny to think about how often we reflect each other.
Even now, I know that while you aren't likely reading these posts - you are very likely writing.
Processing things.
Looking at all the pieces of various puzzles and studying what you've been learning.
Deciding what you want....
And going for it.
Like I am.
I'm super excited to get to show off our new place.
We're still picking from a few options.
It's either gonna be a really nice apt or a decent and quaint little house.
Either way; I'm loving the energy of flowing in the "I love that I can do this!" and being mildly amused at the energy I sense in the distance, of QoSr and others being upset that I'm doing so well and am so deliciously supported by several large communities.
Eamon and I were talking about that earlier.
That's something I have that out of everyone we know; only you get some benefit from - and only because I extend it to you.
No one else in our old chapters, has dedicated the past 20 years to volunteering, kindness, growth, fun, and benevolence.
That's part of what makes me different.
And it's exactly the "Good Karma" that's uplifting me, you, and our boys right now.
Cuz *I* did that.
Not to get this benefit.
Not for any "agenda".
I did it because I loved it.
I did it because it gave back to ppl.
I did it because it felt good and I knew it mattered to those who had less at the time.
I did it because ppl fascinate me and because I got to have very cool exps that I wouldn't have otherwise been able to afford to do.
And I brought the boys with me; and they helped too.
As did you - when you let yourself be brave enough to join us, lol.
That's why so many ppl believe me about you.
They've met you.
They know you are good; and currently just very lost, confused and tired.
They know you'll get it together.
As do I.
And because they know I am trustworthy, super intelligent, and clearly I am neither fooled by anyone, they know that I would not "vouch" for you or use my voice in your favor, unless I had already confirmed your worthiness over and over again for myself.
Ppl trust me.
Ppl believe me.
And because they believe me and I believe in you, they believe in you too.
Just as I know you are learning to believe in you.
Anyways.
I've been able to start writing articles again, and I keep getting flashes of lots of income flowing in from my HP writing. So I'm gonna enjoy focusing on that and all the beautiful room I have for new healthy relationships in my life.
You are always in my heart.
You always have my faith and loyalty.
Esp in growing into being an actually good father to BOTH the boys and to your daughter.
I love you.
I miss you.
I send you abundant benevolent energies of fun and great experiences and stories to tell me later.
Always yours,
~Mim
