Dear Cabbit...all I want for Xmas is you...

I spend more of my "journaling" time either doing voice memos or writing in a paper notebook.

I keep thinking to come back on here and post again.

Though I'm exhausted with all that's happened.

Just know, I'm still thinking of you.

Dreaming of you coming home - recognizing YOU are "home" and that I am "home"...

By Xmas...

And until the day comes...

I'm just giving myself the "win" of believing that's true...

Cuz why not?

If it feels good.

Do it.

I miss telling you that.

I'm sure you miss hearing it.

See you soon my love.

Forever, always, and completely yours.

~Madame Rose~

Dear Cabbit...wow...our boys, lol

You know.

I have a draft where I was going to write out my feels about the "bet ya didn't see that coming" energy you called in.

Esp in how you got yourself with that bs.

Though I think instead, I'll start using this blog for what I intended to in the beginning. To have a place to put the happenings and things with me and the boys, so that while you're finishing your dark night of soul work, that you can not really "miss out" on what's been happening.

Plus, it helps me keep positive momentum going in still being able to share with you what's happening without going back on my commitment to let you come to me when you're ready, and let you learn from natural consequences - as even you agreed are often more profound anyways.

So anyways, to start us out.

I am laughing right now, to have dropped our oldest off at school for IEP testing with a teacher whose names include "Liberty".

I'm laughing, cuz I kid you not; he looked and acted like he could've been his older brother.

Not even that much older for that matter.

He was dressed much the same as how our oldest does when he's relaxed at home, and had similar eyes and energy.

Even his voice was similar.

It feels very much like a sync to do with "Julie", who Spirit tells me we'll have when you're ready and are able to stay stable in this dimension.

After you've seen the truth.

Of me.

Of you.

Of those "closest" to you.

I'm still giggling at how hard it has been for you to use any kind of commitment language with her, lol

Anyways. 

The nurse also had my last name, and a butterfly mask.

And right before we got out of the car, that song "Bang" came on.

Even funnier, our oldest decided to dress up in his fedora and leather jacket, which even he commented looked great with me in my pink fedora and pink hoodie.

I took a pic for my fb.

How could I not? Lol

Had a funny convo with Gpa when I went to pick up our oldest. 

I had asked him to wake up the kids, so I could go work and process emotions in the morning.

When I got back, he said I didn't tell him our youngest was "hiding". Which was confusing, as I didn't know he was hiding. 

He then explained that he was kidding, and just didn't see our youngest curled up in our bed under his and my blankets.

That he went back and forth from Gma's room and ours, and then thought to check the blankets and found him, lol.

Then when it was time for our youngest to do his only class for the day, he was convinced classes didn't start until 9:30 now, cuz of daylight savings time.

That's so cute, lol.

They got it figured out and all is good.

Anyways.

I know things are probably harder for you now then ever.

I also know; esp with the sync of our youngest being "hidden" under the "blanket", and our oldest teacher...

Plus all the music syncs...

And even your own sister posting about the Synchronisty of "7"...

That you're coming out of the karmic cycle you've been in.

And that as the energy of Mercury Rx in Scorpio fades, so will your confusion about you, about us, and about others.

Though I will say, as I said to Goldenrod;

Even if I'm wrong.

It feels good to know all will be well no matter what.

For all of us.

Anyways.

I meant what I said.

I do love you.

Forever, Always, and Completely.

~ Empress Rose ~

Dear Cabbit...I really hope you get untangled soon...before you get yourself into real trouble...

 Last night, I set you free.

Released you - as you asked to be.

Even though all of your actions show you don't want to let go or for me to let go.

I look forward to when you free yourself from the karmic karnival and see that while I have actually released you, I did so with loving intention, and have not "left" you, as you've always feared I would. As most all others have done to you.

I know the day is coming soon. My sources and intuition say you'll likely reach out within a week, though that spin went pretty deep, and I know me being healed enough to say goodbye and point out that YOU asked for that and all the other things I've done; after giving you multiple opps to just say sorry and stop being a jerk - I know that hurts on a whole new level. 

Much in the way it did when I tried to be kind when pregnant with our oldest, and didn't want to make you feel "trapped" by something neither of us expected - which made you feel I didn't "need" you, and spun you out. Ironically, I did need you in every way. I've just always chosen relationships of love, not of obligation, and thought you would find it healing that you had a choice in it, and weren't going to be forced to do anything you didn't want to, even though everyone else treated it like a "have to"; including you. Though I remember you telling me how hard it was, when you felt like I didn't "need" you, and how clear it is that you don't feel "loved" unless you are "needed" and feel "obligated", that you feel lesser or like you're not good enough.

Which, despite that not being the reason I released you, I actually know it will be very healing for you to feel like me and the boys don't "need" you. Esp in the ways I said goodbye, in saying that I've been "alone" long enough, have healed enough, and respect myself enough to give you what YOU asked for - to "move on", that it will make your shadow work unavoidable.

Not to mention, my genuine love for you is more clear now than ever, and ten times moreso in the way I let you go, that it will show what I've been trying to show you. That YOU are creating this mess in your avoidance, fearfulness, and constant attempts to hurt me and others before they hurt you.

Which is why I genuinely pray that you use this energy to untangle yourself from the karmic karnival you've been in, and see who is REALLY using you, trying to hurt you, and keeping you from your abundance and happiness - which is fortunately and unfortunately mostly you doing it to yourself. And I hope that that happens before your karmics trick or force you into any further legal entanglements, or try to push you to get the courts involved with us. Which I did my best to warn you about, and prove I wasnt trying to avoid trouble myself, and genuinely was looking out for YOU - esp w/your record of getting screwed by the courts when you actually were on the righteous side of things.

Though if you get yourself in that deep and make the mess bigger, all I can do is let you and keep praying for your healing, esp as spirit continues to reveal the truth to you; about yourself as well as those "closest" to you currently.

Cuz if not, you could end up creating or being pushed into karmic cycles that will take a very long time to untangle from. Esp if the karmic you live with manages to complete her scam w/the foster kid w/your name as the other guardian. Esp as, when the state takes child support from you for our kids, that will give her legal rights to get child support from you too....I wanted to warn you about that....but considered you already saw me as the devil trying to beguile you, it seemed best to just pray spirit will help you avoid it, and help that poor kid be protected from the karmic convincing him or anyone, that she wants him for any other reason then money from the tribe and to trap you even after she leaves you.

Which became extra clear she's very close to doing, when you said she intended to use her section 8 scam to put her 18 year old in a TWO bedroom apartment instead of using it to help pay the bills at your house and for all the stuff she has you buy for her. 

I really wish you could see what I see, and didn't see me as the enemy. 

Even your own family has been seeing what she's doing, but they fear you'll treat them like you've been treating me, so they don't say much,. 

I mean really. Why would she not help you with the bills if she loved you genuinely?

Why would she emasculate you, and let all your bank accounts go under, create circumstances she knew would make me keep the kids from being around her, and then try to get you to take me to court - which also costs YOU more money?

Why wouldn't she be up for having healthy boundaries, and helping with the bills?

Why would she tell you I'm the enemy, and then tell you lies that make it look like she's synchronistically connected to me, that she had to have known you would find out were lies?

And why keep you from getting any furniture in the house for you or the kids?

Why make you jealous using her ex's?

Why embarass you in front of everyone?

Why cheat on you, and then accuse you of being disloyal?

Why refuse to let you have any privacy or time alone when you're not at work?

Why try to control Cabbie or keep you too busy and conflict fearful to complete the parenting plan?

And then why use her scams to get a TWO bedroom apartment for her son?

She's already planning to leave you.

She's mad about you not being "controllable", and that she could never get me to stop loving you or you to stop loving me, most ESP after you kicked her and her family out of your house for that day.

She isn't screwing things up because she "can't help it" because of her brain damage.

She's doing it because she was already bored with you, already nearing the end of her regular pattern w/the men she uses and then discards before a year is over, and wants to make sure that you have nothing before she goes - most esp me and the boys, and if she can help it, that she has child support from you that when combined w/the high child support the state will make you pay me, that you will never be able to afford to have a home, save for a home, or anything; and if she can manage to make you make enough of an ass out of yourself, that when she does to you what she did to the others - claims you're an abusive addict who will hurt her if she doesn't get their help and flee, that they will believe her and so will everyone else. 

Which is the same thing your ex wife did to you, in coming over to goad you into pulling out your own phone line, so she could get you charged w/a DV conviction, so she'd have all the power, access to most of your money, and everyone would believe you were really that awful - including yourself.

I really hope that spirit shows you this soon.

Maybe even this blog, if you remember that I sent it to you.

Cuz this is your "360" cycle. It's meant to help you end the cycle before it gets that bad, and have enough self respect and boundaries to stand up for yourself and end the circus before you are held to it for years.

Which won't be the end of the world if it happens, but it will likely feel that way to you. Esp when you realize everything I said to you has been true, and that you didn't listen, and instead pushed me so far away as to actually go.

You're rather fortunate it's me though.

Which is funny that you thought you could win and delay paying child support by trying to trigger an old would of claiming I'll screw you over like her and your ex wife, and wanting a "middle person" to distribute the money so that I would never feel in control of it - cuz while most of it is going to my parents for rent and groceries for the boys, the rest is going into savings so we can buy a house that has all the space for YOU to join us when you're ready. Whether that's in a few months - as has been predicted many times, or in a few years when you've learned some self love and self respect.

Which is the primary reason I'm not allowing you either to delay paying, or to control whether or not I have control over the money, which you have no legal right to choose anyways. whether or not I've made mistakes with money in the past. You lost that right when you left, and made it even less of a right when you refused to work on coparenting this whole time and not pay any child support, to only just now have that plan - which everyone can see is spiteful and more about delaying paying because it will mean you loose the house and pisses the karmic off, then about anything I've actually done.

Unfortunately, I think another of her plans is to try to get you to feel so defeated between what she's doing and what she's telling you I am doing, that you try to quit your job and give up, so you don't have to pay anything, and likely end up in jail to boot.

Which unfortunately is your karma for being just as vengeful and spiteful to me, when I've been good to you in every possible way you've allowed me to be. Most of which I know you didn't even see until recently, when I stopped holding you up and being self sacrifical.

Either way, if that happens. I know you'll recall the first time I came up to your shop after you left, and warned you that if you continued on this path, you would end up right back where you were when
I found you - living in your cars, avoiding jobs, and getting more and more screwed by the woman you thought you loved and who you gave up everything for.

Again, you're lucky it's me on the other end here. Who can see all this and still give you grace.

So if that happens, I know that either you will reach out and make everything right again, or that spirit will connect us through syncs as it did the first few times, and help me be the angel in your life again.

Unfortunately, all of this really isn't necessary. Though you have a strong pain and shame cycle that you're afraid to face and heal. So it seems that it might go that far, just to help break away the mask you've glued onto your body, so you can finally learn to love yourself - flaws and all.

Anyways, Sir....

It's time for me to cook dinner for the fam. 

I love you. 

I know this is hard. 

Esp when you're likely assuming the way I said goodbye meant you can't talk to me or see the kids - which again, is NOT what I said, lol. Though I know you, and that you "feel" like that's what I meant. So I know wthis is an extra hard time for you. Esp when I iknow that in being able to say goodbye, I've proven to you that I wasn't lying or trying to control. And THAT makes you feel like a true asshole.

Though as I said, I have complete faith in you, and love you unconditionally. 

I know you're already seeing the truth, and will find the will to set yourself free and correct things soon - as you started to in the beginning.

You've got this. 

You can do it.

Dear Cabbit...it's about to get dark...I'm praying for you....

 I have a feeling I might get back to using this blog more again...

Esp as I've had to suspend your phone line today...as you are either refusing to be accountable, or the QoSr is preventing you from being able to do so....Idk if it's spellwork or gaslighting, blackmail or extortion...what I do know is that you're caving to your fears, and using my generosity to hurt yourself...

The best I can do now...is have faith that in releasing you to what you're in...after showing you your reflection...will help you release yourself from her, your own dark thoughts about yourself, and get to the healing you sorely need....

Either way....love me or hate me...I love you...

And I still have a strange sense of faith in this upcoming Blue Moon in a few days...

Stranger things have happened I suppose...

Either way...

I know by you not responding to me at all, when I told you very clearly that I would take that as a sign that you're being abused and need help, that this needs to be done. Which sucks, as I know that phone is needed for your job, and helps you keep some sense of separateness from her. Idk how dark it's going to get with your phone line being suspended before you could get a new one. I just know that I gave plenty of opportunities for you to ask for more time, to tell the truth, the free yourself, and to be reasonable.

Tomorrow I will file for DSHS, wherein she won't be able to get you to try to avoid paying me child support by suggesting we work on and then continually delay the parenting plan, or threats of going to court. As then you will be faced with the state and not me. I know that scares you, as you cannot afford to keep her there, pay rent, pay the utilities, and pay for our two kids. Though after 10 months, I've been patient enough, and it's clear you need help.

I love you my love. 

You've got this...

Always, forever, and completely yours...

~ Empress ~

Dear Cabbit...your poor leg...

 Firstly, I want you to know...I've only not been blogging on here, cuz it was suggested to me that I do voice memos as a sort of therapy for myself; so that's what I've been doing with what I used to put into this blog.

Plus, I've been working so much that I'm not on the computer or phone so much.

That being said, omgosh! I'm so torn up about your leg...

And I know you're not telling me the whole truth about what happened...

My intuition is torn between what it really is....i know part of your situationships have included domestic violence....which is one of the reasons I've felt so overprotective, and had to learn a lot of restraint...to let you learn what you need to...including learning to stand up for yourself to the ppl that are actually hurting and holding you back...

Though I know that what you told me isn't a whole lie...you rarely ever tell me a complete lie. Which I know is largely cuz you know I can see through ALL of your lies. Better to go with a half truth, eh? lol

I also know you're sort of "one foot in, one foot on a banana peel" w/the karmic situationships you've been in, as well as your thoughts about me...it's an interesting energy to be in...I'm feeling it too...

Dear Cabbit...a vision..

When he woke up...

He didn't recognize where he was..

He panicked...

Even moreso when he found his clothes and things all in their own places...

As if he'd been living in this strange place for a while..

He quickly put on the clothes on the floor...

A strange place for them...

He hated putting on old winkled clothes..

Though he felt like he might need to run..

He found his phone on his desk next to the bed...

He stopped to look lovingly at the desk...

It had all his family pictures...

The kids...

He loved them so...

He saw all around it were the gifts his true love had given him over the years...

He didn't know when he decided to display all the gifts like that...but he was sure it would please her to see he loved her gifts...her tangible love so much...

But then he saw a picture of someone new on the end of the desk...

Away from the rest...

Like he had to have it there but didn't want it...

He felt like he knew her...or should...but he didn't..

That scared him...

Did he have an actual daughter he didn't know about?

She looked like she was about his youngest sons age...

He spent the day finding out that he'd rented the strange house he woke up in...

Which was also inhabited by his middle school rebound and her 3 kids...

For the last 10 months...

And that not only was he broke, his credit ruined worse than with his ex wife, and that hardly anyone wanted to talk to him...

But that he'd been away from his true love...

His own two sons...

And abandoned his daughter too...

Not know that...

But he's spent the last 10 months being such an asshole to his love, for being loyal and loving to him while he fucked it all up...

Holding onto her belief in him to come back to her...

That she had said he couldn't see his kids until he got therapy again...

And he had made it worse by threatening to take her to court...

For what he wasn't even sure.

It seemed like a custody threat...or fight...

Though in looking at his inner foolishness, it appeared to him like she'd tried very hard to reasonable and fair the whole time...

And like there was no reason for him to be trying to kick things into court...

It looked like he hadn't even been paying child support.

He felt awful...

Even moreso when he spent the day dodging spiteful, needy, and confusing messages from his ex...

Who from his phone convos, seemed to be something between being on her way out of his house, or a roommate, or girlfriend, or fiance, or some strange thing in between...

And like an awful warden of some hellish place...

He was scared to talk to her..

Scared not to talk to her...

She reminded him of his ex wife..

He wanted to call his true love...

And his kids...

Though from the looks of things..

He had so much to try to explain..

And he didn't even remember any of it...

He knew she'd hate that...

It clearly meant he'd been drinking...

As did the piles and piles of beers he found in the garage when he got back and ran to lock himself in their to escape the chaos and drama inside, coming from the strange kids and his ex...who wouldn't stop touching him...

He felt like he was in hell...

What had he done?

He buried his head in his hands...

In a small cold garage closet where he put the Jesus painting he wasn't allowed to have in the house apparently...

He saw lots of things in there from his life with his love...and family...

He wasn't allowed to have any of it in the house apparently...

He saw Cabbie sitting there too...

He grabbed him and hugged him so tight...

Letting his tears soak his fur...

"Oh Cabbie...cabbie... What did I do?" 

After a while, he saw beer on the bench...

He grabbed one... thinking he might as well...

But then he stopped...

He put the bottle down on the counter..

An decided that was the last thing he needed...

And that he really needed to quit once and for all..

And then he woke up...

It was the middle of the night...

His true love had he arms around his chest like she always liked to...

He was warm...

He felt safe...

His chest was no longer tight...

His ears didn't hurt..

He was "home"...

And he didn't even feel he needed to know where they were...

Only that "home" is where it's always been...

Anywhere in her arms...

With her in his arms...

He turned and pulled her close...

Her snoring stopped a little, and she firmed her hold on him in response...

He cried, "I love you soooo much..."

"Aww. I love you too Cabbit. So so much." She said

"Thank you for always believing in me." He sobbed.

She kissed him and he felt like he'd just had water dumped all over him after living in the desert the whole 10 months...

"Always.. my love..." She said, "forever and always.."

Dear Cabbit...I think you're more upset that I won't "interfere"...

It's the one of the only reasons I can think of; outside of knowing you're getting gaslit and driven totally deep into your paranoia, reactivity, and all the grief you've refused to release, for you to continually be accusing me of "interfering" in your situationship and trying to "control" you or to prevent you from "living your life".

The other reason is that I'm sure you're accusing the QoSr of doing that same stuff, and likely your ex wife as well - maybe even others. Most of whom are actually trying to control you & the way you live your life. So as per usual, your sexism is showing - with your projections that because I have last parts and show you some attention, of course I just "must" be trying to control you and break you up.

Though honestly, there are so many very obvious reasons for me to avoid doing those very things, and every bit of evidence and history that I wouldn't - that it is absurdly LAUGHABLE that you'd accuse me of it.

In fact, I'm going to count the ways here: 

1. Most Importantly: I would hate myself for being the kind of person who would intentionally try to ruin someone else's relationship. Even one I know isn't meant to be, and that is hurting someone I care about. That's not my job, and I wouldn't be okay with someone else doing that to me. 

2. I called for this very seperation and told you to leave and go grow SPECIFICALLY because I felt you were only with me because I was safe, because you felt forced to stay unless I dumped you, and because you were constantly paranoid that I was going to do all the things to you that all your ex's have done, did do, and are STILL currently doing to you. I didn't want you if you didn't choose to be with me and couldn't happy list of to any naysayers exactly why you love me and want to be with me. I didn't want to be with someone who could cause so many problems and then make it my fault. I certainly didn't want to be with someone who put me last in favor of toxic ex's and friends. And I didn't want to be with someone who put such little effort into being a healthy active dad, a loving and honest partner, and could stand in his truth and say what he wants very clearly any time. As of this point, you haven't grown out of ANY of those habits, and since the QoSr came back from Cali the second time, just as I predicted, you have gone back to the other dimension and gotten worse about all of these traits. And as I have told you repeatedly - including in text where there is documented proof - I am not going back to any relationship with you where we'd go right back into the same toxic cycles that you're going through all on your own. 

3. You would hate me, and have every reason to hate me and hold a grudge about it, if I actually flexed my power and "interfered". And what's funniest about this, is that I could actually ruin your situationship and break you up. You know it. I know it. The QoSr probably knows it too. Hell, just going through child support would do that, and that wouldn't even be doing anything wrong. Though we both know it would take away enough money that you would lose the house or have to invite in other trouble to be about to afford it, and would still be super broke - at which point, the QoSr will definitely leave you. As money, status, and the ability to control you are the only reason she's with you. Well, that and feeling like she gets to "win". Though with the Air and Fire sign placements in your chart, when you don't have financial stability, you are cruel, wreckless, and completely uncontrollable. You become a S.A.M. Hell, just with her spending habits and your own bad spending habits, you are already hitting all those points, and have already kicked her out several times, even for demanding reasonable things - like that you stop drinking so much. I could also do what your ex wife and other Ex's have been doing, and be hanging out at your house all the time and taking all your attention - asking "us she upset" a bunch, as if I didn't know why, like highschool bullies do. Heck, just a couple of well placed phone calls to her, would create so much drama between to the two of you, that it would be over very quickly. And that's not all I could do - esp with you drinking so much, and how often you kick your own door wide open for me to come in and create drama - including trying to get me to come over and sit in front of your house, trying to use my car as a "prop" to make them think you're helping me, putting me on your rental insurance, telling me she wanted to kick my ass, telling me how insecure she is, telling me some kicked them out several times, telling me she's "trapped" you, telling me they steal from you, telling me there are holes in the walls from drama with them, telling me she's doing drugs, suggesting I come knock on the door just to piss her off, telling me that she uses other guys to make you jealous, making it clear she's been cheating on you from the beginning, and all your efforts to get me to write you off and tell you you can't see the boys for good. There are so many ways you've opened up the door for me to participate in the drama over there, even after I told you I wasn't going to, and that you don't need me help with that. I could do a whole lot of damage if I was that kind of person. I know you better than anyone, I'm a human behavior nerd, I'm a witch, and I am your children's mother. It wouldn't be hard. In fact, because of my own possessiveness and desire to rescue you, it's a lot harder not to throw my weight around, then it is to not do so. Though I've always appreciated and pushed myself to do the right thing ESP when it's hard and even moreso because I genuinely do love your bratty as, and I know you need to learn the lessons that you've been learning - including seeing that I've done nothing except be your friend - even in times when you didn't even deserve that, and doing my best to be a healthy mom and reasonable co-parent.

Either way, considering the only thing I want from you is genuine faithful love; without the fear or narcissism - which should be obvious considering I've literally refused you giving me any money outside of catching up on the phone bill, haven't tried to flirt with you, and am actually pushing for healthy interactions with our boys even at the risk of you seeing them at all because of your reactivity and constant accusations of me trying to interfere and control you - which you have done, it's clear to everyone except you (or maybe it is clear to you, and you're acting this way cuz it upsets you that I won't just be like the toxic women in your life), that I don't want or need anything from you, and am just doing my best to be a better mother and your friend when I know you're in a really shitty and dark place in your life. 

Either way - you'd have every reason to hate me and run away from me even more, if I truly did seek to interfere or control you. Heck, even when I've done someone either by accident or I'm the process of dealing with my own grief when you first left and when you decided to give her another chance after you'd just shown me you were coming back to me, you got all up in arms at the mere idea that I might throw my weight around like that, and have used it to fuel your projections and trigger me in return. So it would do me zero good to give you any legitimate reasons to be upset with me. 

4. I know that you and her don't need any help falling apart. I saw it very early on, even before I realized we've been on a TF journey, and that Spirit will bring us back together when we've healed our old issues. Her pattern with the guys she uses, never lasts more than about 11 months, and you are both such an emotional sluts, game players, consent violators & spoiled brats, that you piss each other off and trigger her more than anyone else either of you have been with. You both also have horrible spending habits, neither of you plan any further than about 5 days ahead, neither of you take Accountability for your own bs, you're both cowardly liars, neither of you are moral or honorable, you've both shit in your own back yards, neither of you are romantic (which you need), neither of you are really thoughtfully proactive, you've both got severe attachment disorders, and you both have toxic ex's and toxic friends who very much enjoy "interfering" and kicking up shit storms between you two. On top of that, she's been stealing from you and using your name to steal from others, since you first got into the motel rooms - and it's become bad enough that even you have admitted you're spending thousands of dollars a month that you can't even account for, her kids steal from you all the time, and she's got you riled up enough that you might even try to take me to court over the kids and end up getting the maximum child support amount garnished from your checks and taxes, lose all forms of custody, and likely get a contempt charge to boot. Additionally, she's so toxic and care so little for her own kids health and healing, that CPS has constantly been in your home, an she regularly has bouts with the police - who you usually get into fights with yourself. On top of that, she and her partners in crime are more dramatic, loud, demanding, controlling, violent, and vindictive than your younger sister (your words) that it triggers you all the time. Also, you only eat crap and don't exercise, and even when she does hold up to her promises to cook for you like I used to, she only cooks junk - usually microwaveable, and usually with all the seasonings you either hate or can't have cuz they upset your stomach. She also doesn't usually make any food until it's super late, and know if she can't convince you to spend tons of money on fast food. Additionally, she keeps you up at all hours, and you drink and smoke too much. ALL of those things already made you very crabby and defiant, and cause you to have very low libido and ability to keep it up. Add your ear disease to that problem - which is better worse by stress, drinking, smoking, and yelling. Which at this point, it's clear to me you guys are almost done just cuz you can't stand the noise and pain in your ears. Which already is driving you to drive them out. 

And as if that weren't enough, she lets her kids hit, disrespect, and abuse you, and even with you allowing that, she still allows them to bring increasing drama to your house and life. 

I saw long ago, that in fact, the best way to see to it that you two don't last, is to leave you completely alone. Cuz it would be even clearer who is hurting you, and you would miss the warmth I bring into your life even just by texting goodmorning. Which has been hard with how worried I've been about you, and while I've been healing my own anxious attachment & codependency challenges. Though I've gotten better and better at it, esp as you've become an even bigger asshole since she got back - esp with seeing over all this time, how much you do love me and own that you've just made such a mess and put yourself in such a shitty psychological and financial bind that you feel trapped in it.

Either way. I repeat: your situationships don't need my help in falling apart. It would actually make them last longer, and it would take healing between us even longer. So in terms of my "evil" plans to love and enlighten you, it would work against me to actually do anything to interfere.

The fact that me being a healthy mom and having healthy co-parenting boundaries, actually does interfere, is a product of you two having a relationship that was shitty and shaky to begin with. And really, the fact that I'm still asking for that stuff despite knowing you feel attacked by it, with my level of anxious attachment, should be a clear sign that I'm healing and willing to risk losing you, to do right by our boys and right to myself, and in ways that are healthy for you too. That is LOVE, dumbass. Not control or interference. Smdh.

5. I refuse to be that kind of example to our kids. Esp as, thanks to us, they are likely to get entangled in similar type relationships. I am raising them to be honorable men - just like I know you really are, underneath that ego and pridefulness. And since you've not been being that example and any attempt on my end to encourage you to be, gets met with accusations of control - then I have to be that example. Otherwise they'd have no examples and would grow up blaming the world for their bad choices. I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure they don't grow up that way. That they don't grow up with the challenges that you have; and this current version of you, is exactly the example of why it would horrible to let that happen, unhealthy of me to let them be with you right now, and why I need to continue to NOT "interfere". 

I intend to make sure the boys grow up healthy and happy, whether you're actively in their lives or not. And I know that if you decide to use recent boundaries as a reason to continue not being involved in their lives, that they will see that is all you, and that me no longer fighting for you to actively see them, was to protect them. Which you'll make clear to them as to why that's currently needed, all on your own. Which is also the reason I don't talk shit about you too them. I'm not dishonest, but I've no reason or need to make you look like an asshole. You don't need my help there either. You do that all on your own, esp every time you put everyone except them first and then make them feel like bad kids for having feelings about it. Which you've consistently done, five times as much since you left.

6. I don't want that karma. It's very real, and I already have enough of my own bad karma from past and present challenges, that I've earned and now must deal with and pay the price for.

7. I refuse to give you any legitimate reasons to pigeon hole me into being like your ex's or your shitty sexist view of how "all women" are. Hence part of why I've not gone for cold support or full custody, not interfered, and also not gone the other way and tried to "sweet talk" you into coming back or let down on the requirement that you be a healthy parent in order to have visitation again. It's also part of why I've held back on dating or being with anyone new, part of why I don't try to make you jealous, and part of why I haven't kicked you off MY phone bill - even with you screwing me over on it continually. I never was like them, and I'm not going to start being that way now. I'm going to be me. You're attempts to goad me into being like them will never work. It will, and already has, done nothing but show you how different i really am and always have been - which you've already admitted to seeing several times.

8. When we do enter into real union, it will be free of all your toxic ex's and these cycles. And the only way for that to happen, is to allow you to get yourself caught up in them as deeply as you can get yourself all on your own. If I tried to interfere or rescue you, that would prevent that for much longer, and I'd be partly to blame. On top of that, it would show that I haven't changed and the crappy boundary there would show you that you could come back to and continue that bs. Not gonna have that. When you come back, you will come correct. Not just because you want to, but because you and all the toxic ppl in your life will have ruined your own lives and made such big and terrible messes without me, that there will be no way to blame me or our kids, and it will be obvious that me telling you you needed to make new friends and have way better boundaries with them, was never about jealousy, it was about not wanting you to get hurt in all the ways you are, and not wanting you to hurt me, our kids, and all the other ppl that you hurt when you allow yourself to be involved with such toxic and immoral ppl. 

There are many things I will do with you as you see that and start getting on your healing journey. Accepting a relationship with you before you're done with them, isn't one of them. That won't show you what you're doing to yourself, and by not interfering, you've already awoken enough to the fact that you do need to be free of them, and that I've done nothing but been good to you - even in my worst moments. You've already said so many times, and I know as you and your ex's turn up the heat and get closer to blowing each other out of the water, that you'll continue to see that, and when you're ready, you'll clear them all out of your life and do all the other things I suggested, and not just to get me back; you'll finally be doing it mostly for yourself, and will see that the two align for a reason.

There are many more reasons I can list, as to why it's completely illogical and unnecessary for me to interfere, pursue you, or try to control you. Though most of them just extend on the above examples. 

I wish you were in a place to see all this clearly right now, and that you'd always seen it. Though I know you're coming to see this, esp now whole we aren't talking or interacting, and as I redirect my energy into work, manifesting our house and land, and leave you to the cold dark world you've manifested. And I know that somehow, in you coming to see this stuff in the ways you have, it'll be even stronger and better than ever - esp as Spirit shows you I've ALWAYS been authentic, kind, fair, and good to you, and that you were happy with me until you let your fear and your ex's interfere. 

I know that day is coming soon.

Which is going to be the 9th and final reason: I want to be emotionally secure and able to hold fair and healthy boundaries with you ESP about parenting, ESP when you want the back and start pursuing me heavily. I can put up with a lot myself, as I know how to turn it into good energy and healing lessons. Our kids aren't there yet, and it's not fair to put them through any of that even if they could do that. One of the largest reasons I told you to go, was cuz you refused to be empathic with them and put them first, and brought such big drama here that I was so wrapped up in you that I wasn't being good to them either. And I wasn't being good to myself. 

So it's paramount and essential that I'm able to see the truth, do the right thing even when it's hard and even when you're threatening drama and abandonment, and that I'm able to say no to you and stick to it until you do the right thing. Not just for the kids, but for our union. It cannot be healthy and fulfilling if there are no healthy boundaries or standards. If I can't be unphased by your tantrums and able to keep my own reactivity down. 

Anyways, my love..

My pechulant brat...

I know these cycles are coming to end...

It's part of why I'm writing this here, where you could've obviously found my real feelings this whole time - but haven't, cuz you're afraid of the truth.

I know it's not necessary to tell you.

And better if I let you show yourself. 

Being a child of Saturn, this is a lesson I've learned over time - that when you are good and kind and honorable, over time, it shows and you get vindicated and seen for who you really are much more thoroughly, if you just keep being good and kind and honorable.

That's what happened with counseling.

That's what happened with everyone you talked crap about me to, since you've left.

That's what's happened through most of the jobs I've had.

And it'll continue to happen. 

Esp as I continue to redirect my focus, and more fully step back to let you see what you have been doing to yourself with no help from me or ability to blame me.

Which, getting back to my earlier point - is why I think you're really mad at me.

I did and am doing the things that no one else would do - sent you out to do it your own way and not "helped" (including interfering). I've not played the games. Nor rushed you to you even when you've opened the door for me to. I've not given any reason for anyone to see me as a threat. Nor been so "sweet" or "easy" as to give some theory that I'm just trying to look like an angel and get you back that way. I've just been me, including the me willing to fight for what I know is right.

Which includes holding myself to not getting dramatic with you and fighting for you in the ways you expect and want me to. And I know you - you think that someone willing to fight over you and fight with you, is someone who really loves you. I also know you will do anything to avoid dumping someone or admitting that you screwed up - including opening the door for others to come in and create conflict that you can then blame on them as your reason for ending things. 

I won't play that part.

I know that both pisses you off, scares you, and amazes you.

It's actually kind of adorable.

Anyways. 

My love...

My brat...

I must work.

And be momdad.

And prepare for your return.

So you keep doing whatever you think you need to.

It'll just give us more to laugh about later, when you've fully and consistently come back to this dimension, lol.

Until then...

Despite your stubborn ass...

I still love you.

Always.

Forever.

Completely.