Dear Cabbit...memories... kept...

I've been slowly adding memories of us to my YouTube.

It started with some subs asking me to share our story.

Then, when I felt really sad about things, I realized in its own way, putting my memories on my yt, is a way of keeping them.

It's not like I could ever forget any of them.

Though this way, it's like with fb memories.

Years from now, they'll still be there.

With all my natural feelings about them.

Most of them spoken from a faithful and grateful space.

Just did another one tonight.

Shorter then the rest.

Just about Merchants.

It was fun to talk about it.

Feels like an evolved recycle of when I was sharing memories on fb after you first left.

Except better.

I do also have the feeling that you and those who want to keep you trapped, are likely watching them, just as I knew before you told me when I was doing the fb processing videos, that the rQoS and others were watching everything I was doing.

And I trust myself now.

So I know that's true of now too.

Ha, and it's 11:22; so it must be true! Lol

Anyways.

I've no idea of what will come up on your end, nor any concern about it.

If nothing else, I know it'll make you laugh.

Most esp if others are obsessing about anything I'm doing, right when you're trying so hard to stay in your victim mode and "move on" as you've yet to be able to do 😜

That song "maybe I'm amazed by the way you love me all the time", just came on the radio.

Fun 😎

Dear Cabbit...tracks of my tears...

That LR song just came on the radio.

Funny enough, the mixture of cadence and lyrics with that song..

That fit my current mood well.

Got me to thinking about..

Of all this time you feared I'd moved on better then you..

Or was ever able to "just let it go"..

You should've always been able to tell..

Cuz when you look close..

You can see my smile is out of place...

Cuz of the tracks of my tears stained there..

Of course..

10:24pm/7

Now "Hard to say I'm sorry" by Chicago came on..

The last time I heard this song..

Was about this time last time..

When you were asking for forgiveness..

Which I gave you genuinely then..

Just as I will now..

Or whenever "now" is that your slow poke butt gets enough self confidence to reach out, lol

Dear Cabbit...I can feel it...

Some big happy changes are coming.

I know one of the many is you addressing the way you've behaved, and standing up as a true masculine.

Brave.

Honorable.

Transparent.

Genuine.

With lots of integrity.

Just like you told me

And committed to spirit that you wanted.

Dear Cabbit...12:12 Shift..

Idk exactly what it is..

I have some theories..

Esp based on some signs that have brought themselves to me..

It feels good.

Like that song "it's your thang. Do what you want to do." sort of vibe.

Dear Cabbit...silence..

I spent most of the day trying to work..

Running from being at the house..

Telling myself the signs I see aren't real..

Now I'm sitting in the RV..

After spending most of the day in the car crying..

Feeling like I'm losing my magick..

Which feels like the cost..

Of giving you up..

Several times..

Some cars nearly ran into me..

And instead of being scared..

I felt like..

Wouldn't it be nice if it was out of my hands like that?

If it just happened?

So no one could blame me..

So I didn't have to be strong anymore..

Or honorable..

Or patient..

So I didn't have to sit here..

Feeling like I'm either the bravest person ever, for holding onto hope..

Or the biggest fool in the world..

In all the worst ways..

Idk..

Now I'm just sitting in silence..

Feeling the tears come and go from behind my eyes..

I don't want to hear the music..

I don't want to listen to the readers..

I don't want to watch movies that remind me of you no matter how much they shouldn't..

I don't want to be around the kids...who remind me of you most of all..

I don't want to be here either..

Though there's nowhere I can really go..

So I just sit here..

In the silence..

Dear Cabbit...the way I love you...

It was an unexpected evolved recycle..

To be told by a friend whose been with me throughout this seperation..

That she loves the way I love you..

That she hopes you can one day see yourself through my eyes..

That's the second time since you left..

That a friend has told me that..

And the 5th time since we met..

That I've been told that..

6...if I count that you used to always tell me you love the way I love you..

It's a strange feeling..

Thinking about how...

There's such a real possibility..

That this might have just been a story..

Of how I love you with all my heart..

With all your flaws and quirks..

So much so that everyone else sees it..

Even you..

And it's still not enough..

That I'll spend the rest of my life loving you..

While you never really loved me too..

It feels like that's crazy..

Esp with what an you've shown me..

Though idk..

It feels like a reality I must accept..

At least right now..

😔

Dear Cabbit...despair...

I was just listening to a video of the signs that a guy is hiding and fighting his feelings for you..

Most of them were there..

Except you helping me and making excuses to talk to me..

And that brings up sadness..

Of all the ways you put tons of effort into helping others..

And not me..

Esp since you left..

It felt like if nothing else, the ex benefits package would kick in..

And you'd at least see me as the mother of your son's..

And help me based on that...

Though you've never really asked..

Not unless it had to do with trying to buy your way out of the pain you've caused...

Then the thoughts come in..

Of the times you have said to be careful while I'm out..

And offered to get things to help...like mattresses..

Though idk..

I'm torn..

I still see your text about how you don't need "my drama" when you're dealing with so much of your own, by which you mean Tina...

You've always given priority to others..

And to your drama..

And it hurt that you didn't see being there for your boys and resolving those challenges, as a "your drama", and as worthy of hashing out...

I don't want that to be "drama", but if nothing else, it should be priority...

And it feels like..

If nothing else...

After 19 years of giving myself to you..

The least you could do is not dismiss me for bs drama with karmics...

Like you did when we were together..

Ultimately sabatoging us by making sure you always had someone else's problems to keep you distressed and distracted..

So you could say I wasn't worthy of your time..

Of your effort..

I remember when you said all you wanted was the effort..

Which is when I gave more then ever..

And it still wasn't enough...

To even get that simple effort from you..

Not for very long anyways..

Idk..

Today feels like one of those days I want to find whatever custody papers needed and bring them to you.

Not to fight.

No more fighting.

Just to be done with it.

To show you that I'm done.

To show you how sad I really am.

To show you that I'm really walking away.

That it's not a game or trick.

That you're really losing me.

Not because I don't want you.

But because it feels like I've been crazy to think you've ever wanted me as anything more then a safe place to hide and think about your ex's...

Who you've made sure I could never hold a candle to..

Not cuz they're better than me..

Not cuz I'm not lovable in all the ways that are more perfect for you...

Simply because you didn't want me too...

Cuz you don't want real love..

Not to give it..

Not to recieve it..

Idk..

I'm not gonna do anything..

Other than just feel my feelings..

Write them down sometimes..

And try to keep my faith that you're actually healing..

That the only crazy thing I could ever think, is that you don't love me and aren't coming..

Idk how long I can maintain that space anymore..

Esp with the tears that have come back so regularly since I took such a big leap of faith in telling you you're not welcome until you come correct..

And then having the boys block you for my own sanity..

So I could actually hold back from you...

In ways I've been unable to do before..

Which I know needed to happen..

Cuz if I am just as crazy as you say..

And you're actually happy where you are..

And you were just leading me on for all these years..

Then I need to severe the connection..

And that starts here..

With distance..

With pulling back..

With letting myself feel the grief..

It feels like Spirit is telling me this is just so that when union comes back in...

That I won't be holding onto all this grief..

I hope that's true..

I love you..

I miss you...

I hope I made the right choices..